Severus and Harry Go on Dr. Phil—Again
Dr. Phil comes out onto the stage. The audience claps and cheers. He addresses the audience. There are three chairs behind him.
DR. PHIL: Today on Dr. Phil, we're following up on two of our previous guests—Severus and Harry. Now, on a previous show, Severus admitted that he was suffering from depression. Let's see how he's doing now. Come on out, Severus!
Severus comes out and sits down. Dr. Phil sits down opposite him.
DR. PHIL: Now, Severus, before we start…is there anything you'd like to say right off the bat?
SEVERUS: These chairs are too damn tall. Honestly, Dr. Phil…you can afford chairs where your feet actually touch the ground.
DR. PHIL: Well, um, moving along…do you still have suicidal impulses from time to time?
SEVERUS: No.
The audience claps.
DR. PHIL: That's great, Severus…how have you worked through these suicidal feelings? Has your therapist helped you?
SEVERUS: No…I've just gotten a new hobby.
DR. PHIL: Would you mind telling us what that hobby is, Severus?
SEVERUS: Yes, yes I would mind. It's a solitary pursuit for my enjoyment only.
DR. PHIL: It's not…drugs, is it?
SEVERUS: Of course not! It's a very noble activity with a long, traditional history.
DR. PHIL: If you say so…our other guest, Harry, had some anger issues that he's been dealing with. Harry, come on out!
Harry comes out, sits down next to Severus, and starts snickering.
DR. PHIL: What's so funny, Harry?
HARRY: I know what his hobby is…
SEVERUS: What? I…fifteen points from Gryffindor for spying on me!
DR. PHIL: Let's get back to you, Harry. How have you been dealing with your anger, Harry?
HARRY: Well, whenever I get angry, I count to fifteen before doing anything. Then I throw something against the wall and rip up a pillow. Then I go yell at Ron. Then I go yell at Dumbledore. After all of that, I'm usually too tired to do anything else, so I just take a nap. When I wake up, I've usually forgotten about what made me angry in the first place!
DR. PHIL: It doesn't look like you've dealt with our anger at all! You're still taking it out on other people!
HARRY: Oh, come on, Ron's a totally dispensable character…and Dumbledore only exists to get yelled at by other people. Right, Professor Snape?
SEVERUS: Don't I know it. Hell, I yell at Albus when I run out of acne cream.
Harry sniggers.
SEVERUS: Twenty points from Gryffindor for mocking my shameful and embarrassing skin condition!
HARRY: Hey, at least you've never suffered from the secret shame of eczema!
DR. PHIL: Okay, okay, people. Calm down. Harry, why are you so angry? Where is all of this anger coming from?
SEVERUS: He's just angry that Miss Granger won't snog him.
DR. PHIL: Severus, please!
HARRY: His hobby is playing the ocarina!
SEVERUS: One hundred points from Gryffindor for exposing my hobby on national television!!!
DR. PHIL: What the hell is an ocarina?
SEVERUS: Only the finest instrument in the world! It has four holes on the top and one on the bottom. It makes a sweet, harmonious sound like that of a swallow searching for its mate. Dr. Phil, did you know that an ocarina found in West Asia is the oldest musical instrument ever—
HARRY: Shut UP!!!
DR. PHIL: Count to fifteen, Harry…
HARRY: One…two…seven….eleven….FIFTEEN!
He slaps Severus.
HARRY: Nobody cares about your damned ocarina, Snape!
SEVERUS: Well, excuse me for being cultured! At least I don't watch NASCAR!
HARRY: What do you have against NASCAR?
He slaps Snape again. Snape laughs.
SEVERUS: You think your puny slaps can harm me? Not when I've got Robin on my side…Robin, could you help me out here?
Dr. Phil's wife Robin comes out and knees Harry in the groin. Harry falls to the ground. Snape starts making out with Robin.
DR. PHIL: ROBIN?!?!?!?
ROBIN: Sorry, Phil. Ever since Severus came on for the first time, we've been having an affair.
DR. PHIL: But why, Robin, why?
SEVERUS: I happen to appreciate your wife's caked-on layers of makeup…unlike you.
DR. PHIL: Robin! You know I didn't mean it when I said that you might want to scrape off a couple centimeters!
ROBIN: Severus also happens to have hair. It might be greasy…but at least it's hair.
DR. PHIL: But…he plays the ocarina!
ROBIN: Oh, Phil…you have no idea what a seductive instrument the ocarina can be.
Robin and Severus leave together. Dr. Phil begins to weep.
DR. PHIL: See you…next time…on Dr. Phil….oh God……
Author's Note: Please don't ask me how I know so much about ocarinas. It's a very long story.