The Return of Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil is sitting on stage. Severus is sitting in a chair next to him.
DR. PHIL: Today on Dr. Phil, I'm pleased to inform you that Robin and I have worked out our differences by using the strategies outlined in my book Relationship Rescue. Isn't that right, Robin?
The audience claps. Cuts to Robin sitting in the audience.
ROBIN: Yeah, and he got me a house in Malibu.
Cuts back to the stage.
DR. PHIL: Heh….heh….isn't she, uh, funny? Well, at any rate, on today's show, Severus is back. As you all know, he's the bastard…I mean, individual who had an affair with my wife. He told us that he has something very important to tell me…so, what is it, Severus?
SEVERUS: I'm very sorry for banging your wife.
DR. PHIL: Well, I'm very glad to hear that...but what prompted this statement?
SEVERUS: I…I…oh, Dr. Phil, my life has been going so badly recently…
DR. PHIL: Tell me about it.
SEVERUS: All of my students hate me, I'm never going to get the job I want, my hair is so greasy that it looks like I dipped it in a vat of Pennzoil, my nose is larger than my fist, and Potter broke my ocarina.
DR. PHIL: Well, you can always get a new ocarina…
Severus starts crying.
SEVERUS: But it won't be the saaaaaaame! I cherished that ocarina! I named it Shirley!!! I wouldn't have named it Shirley if I hadn't loved it!
DR. PHIL: Well, Severus, I know things seem pretty bleak right now…but just remember to always look on the bright side of life.
SEVERUS: That's what Minerva told me! Actually, she sang it…but it didn't help!
Dr. Phil puts his hand on Severus's shoulder.
DR. PHIL: Severus, this is going to be a changing day in your life.
SEVERUS: It's not going to be if you don't give me any advice!
DR. PHIL: Well, Severus, I just want you to remember that you are a special, valuable person with so much to contribute to the world!
The audience claps.
SEVERUS: That's right! I am beautiful, no matter what they say! Words can't bring me down!
DR. PHIL: Always remember that, Severus. Even if you did screw my wife.
SEVERUS: Oh, she seduced me and you know it.
DR. PHIL: I do not want to hear it!
SEVERUS: Yeah, I'll bet you don't…well, Phil, you may not be the world's greatest husband, but that's okay. You lift my spirits and soothe my soul, and that's enough for me.
The audience claps.
SEVERUS: Dr. Phil, do you have any other advice for me?
DR. PHIL: Well, if the ocarina won't do it for you anymore, I'd suggest another hobby. A hobby other than humping married women, that is…
SEVERUS: You mean like…squash?
DR. PHIL: Squash? Isn't that a vegetable?
SEVERUS: Well, yes, but more importantly…it's like racquetball, only better! I used to play when I was younger, but…damn, I've got to start playing again! I wonder if my squash goggles will still fit…thank you again, Dr. Phil! This man saves lives! And he has an incredibly attractive wife!
DR. PHIL: Damn straight!
The audience claps. Cuts to Robin blowing a kiss. Cuts to Dr. Phil.
DR. PHIL: Next, on Dr. Phil, Harry is back.
SEVERUS: What? What'd he do now? Other than smash my ocarina, that is…
DR. PHIL: Let's let him tell us himself. Harry, come on out!
Harry comes out and sits down.
DR. PHIL: So, Harry, have you been dealing with your anger any better?
HARRY: Well, I suppose so...I've only been breaking an average of three things a week.
SEVERUS: Like my ocarina, you little prick!
HARRY: That's down from seven.
DR. PHIL: Well, it's a start…why do you think you've made these changes?
HARRY: Well, I've been taking something that makes me…a bit calmer.
DR. PHIL: And what would that be?
HARRY: Well, everyone knows I'm a joker. And my closest friends know that I'm a smoker…but, I must admit, I've recently become a midnight toker.
SEVERUS: I knew it! 50 points from Gryffindor! Where are you getting that wacky tobaccy from, Potter? I want names!
HARRY: Well, the Hufflepuffs always have some on hand…I mean, that's how they really pick the Hufflepuffs, hence the name…and Professor Sprout grows everything, I mean everything in that Herbology greenhouse…and if you think Hagrid's pumpkins are high quality, you should see his hemp. Daaaaaamn. They even had an article about it in High Times last month.
DR. PHIL: Harry, you know that marijuana is bad for you.
The audience claps.
SEVERUS: Harry Potter? More like Harry Pothead!!!
HARRY: Oh, Professor, that was just stupid.
SEVERUS: But it had to be said! It doesn't matter, though…now I finally have the information I need to get you expelled!
DR. PHIL: Do you see the consequences of your drug use, Harry? Possible expulsion from school! Marijuana leads you down the path to misery, Harry! It's a gateway drug!
HARRY: Gateway to what?
SEVERUS: To expulsion! To unemployment! To living in a cardboard box with only a broken broomstick and your bittersweet memories!
HARRY: Snape, you can't expel me! Dumbledore already knows about my drug use! In fact, he gave me a wizard-shaped bong for my birthday!
SEVERUS: Curses…foiled again!
DR. PHIL: Harry, has your drug use been affecting your friendships?
HARRY: Well, Hermione was kind of pissed at first…but I got her to try some, and she managed to forget about schoolwork for three minutes. I'm her hero now!
DR. PHIL: What about your schoolwork?
HARRY: Well, needless to say, my Herbology grade's gone up immensely…but my other grades…I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GRADES! I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW!!!
DR. PHIL: And your relationship with your parents?
HARRY: DON'T YOU DARE BRING UP MY PARENTS!!! My parents were perfect and divine in every way, shape, and form! Just read some fanfics, for crying out loud! You…you…bald, obnoxious Muggle!
DR. PHIL: Now, that is uncalled for!
HARRY: And your wife wears too much makeup!
SEVERUS: Are you dissing my former sex kitten, you immature little ocarina-hating druggie?
HARRY: I think I am, you greasy squash-playing married-Muggle-screwing failure!
SEVERUS: I am beautiful, Harry Potter, no matter what you say! Your words can't bring me down!
HARRY: That song is so three months ago.
SEVERUS: Potter, say what you will, but the words of Christina Aguilara will always lift my spirits in times of self-doubt! Now go smoke grass with all of your stupid Hufflepuff friends and stop trying to undermine my self-esteem, you…you…insecure angsty hormone-crazed teenager with…with…an inadequate penis!
HARRY: I do not…sniffle…sniffle...WHERE'S HERMIONE??????? HERMY! HERMEEEE!!!!
Harry runs off the stage crying. Robin steps onto stage and slaps Severus on the ass.
DR. PHIL: Robin?!?
ROBIN: Oh, Severus, after watching you stand your ground against that enraged drug addict like that…I just can't resist your manly charms anymore! And I love men who play squash even more than I love men who play ocarinas!
SEVERUS: Oh, Robin, I never stopped loving you. Will you marry me?
ROBIN: Of course I will, you big-nosed British bad boy you!
The audience starts clapping.
DR. PHIL: Shut the hell up, you bored obese housewives!
The audience stops clapping.
DR. PHIL: But, Robin, sweetie…I bought you a house in Malibu!
ROBIN: Turn it into a whorehouse for all I care. I love Severus more than I ever loved you, Phil. And he has a much cooler accent. The Texas thing is really getting old.
DR. PHIL: I never should have let you come on the show, you emaciated pansy!
SEVERUS: Sorry, Dr. Phil…all the ladies know that Slytherins do it better!
Severus and Robin leave the stage holding hands.
DR. PHIL: Okay, screw this. I'm moving to Montana and growing dental floss.
The End!
Disclaimer: Be cool, stay in school, don't do drugs.
Other Disclaimer: Please don't sue me, Dr. Phil. I mean no harm. I'm sure that your relationship with Robin is absolutely wonderful.