Disclaimer: The Final Fantasy games and all related characters and locations are owned by Squaresoft. This is a work of fanfiction, meaning that it is both created by a fan for no purpose other than entertainment, and it is fiction, meaning that all characters and events are purely fictonal and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

This is turning into a sitcom. ;;

Blatant Fanservice

by flame mage

take 4: "She said she camped out here for a week!"

"So, wait, explain to me why I have to be the one to carry this again?" Gippal whined from underneath the camera, a massive stack of lighting equipment (why not go all out? nobody'd miss it anyway, right?), a canvas pup tent, and my entire professional makeup case (custom-ordered from Sephora! Because I'm worth it). We'd dumped the hover outside Guadosalam so it wouldn't show up in the background of our shots.

"Because a guy's gotta be tough for a cute girl like me, right?" I told him. "Just shut your trap and keep walking, okay? We're almost there."

He grumbled under his breath until I finally found the perfect spot--in a small valley in the very center of the Thunder Plains, as far away as possible from the Travel Agency and any other way out. "Okay, ya big wimp, you can quit whining now," I announced. "Just set the lights up all around us where the slope goes up, okay?"

He heaved a huge sigh of relief and dumped all the junk on the ground. Then he stretched and started setting the set lights up while I dug through my makeup case to find and blend my three favorite shades of lipstick so I'd look absolutely perfect for the big kiss. I was brushing out the feathers on my earrings with my fingers so they'd shine and set my face off even more against the dark blue landscape when Gippal called out, "Hey, Rikk, problem here!"

"What, you get a cable shorted out someplace and need Rikku the machina expert to fix everything for ya?"

"Nope. More like we're supposed to be here to help you get over your fear of lightning. Now what's wrong with this picture?"

I sucked air in through my teeth. "You're right. This is never gonna be enough lighting to allow my true depth of theatrical terror to be revealed to the audience."

"Yeah, or maybe the fact that there's NO LIGHTNING."

I looked around. "Oh, poopie! The lightning rods are sucking it all up."

"Brilliant observation." He finished with the lights and walked back down the slope to where I was sitting. "If this is gonna work, we've gotta get the lightning back. The only way to do that is to break the nearest rod."

"Are you crazy?! We'll get cooked worse than the Sunday special at Kentucky Fried Chocobo!" I grabbed his collar and shook him. "I'm too young to die, Gippal!"

"Relax, Rikk," he replied, totally calm, like smashing devices intelligently designed to prevent people like us from getting electrocuted was something normal people did all the time. "If you do it from a distance, it'll be totally safe. The guys and I used this tent when we were in the Crimson Squad; Paine could tell you it's designed to protect against electrocution, so we're gonna be fine, okay? All you gotta do is hit that tower over there," he was pointing to the nearest lightning rod, which was maybe thirty yards away, "from a distance. It'll break down, we'll shoot from an angle that won't show it, we'll be fine in the tent, and we'll get the scene done fast and get the heck out of here. Sound good?"

"Oooh...this is a seriously bad idea, you know?" I realized I was motoring my hands again. Maybe I should stop that. An up-and-coming young star like me shouldn't look nervous except when her role demanded it.

Gippal looked down at me and raised one eyebrow. "C'mon. Don't be such a...a kid."

Which was totally not fair. He was acting like I was a total fraidy-cat. Jeez, after all the stuff I'd done, he still just didn't get that I was just as tough as he thought he was, and probably way tougher. And we were supposed to be working together here, so just where did he get off being such a jerk, anyway?

"Ooh, you make me so mad!" I yelled at him. "You just watch, you big meanie! We'll see who's the kid!" I grabbed a garment grid from the bottom drawer of the makeup case and started switching into a Black Mage. About halfway through, I realized that that jerk was totally staring at me (current fanservice shot count: 498), but by the time I could think of something nasty enough to insult him with, I had already changed and I was ready to go.

"What are you going to do?" he called, sounding a little out of it.

"Hit it with a water spell at the same time lightning strikes it, not like you deserve to know that!" I shouted back. "I'm hoping the shock'll be too strong for it and it'll explode!" Closing my eyes, I started to charge up a water spell. Then I stared straight at the tower, shot my arms out and yelled, "Watera!"

A stream of water flew out from my staff and slammed into the rod at the exact same time as a bolt of lightning struck. There was an angry electrical-sounding hissing noise, and then a massive blast. I fell over and hit the ground hard, covering my head with my arms, but when the smoke cleared I was still alive. For a couple seconds, I just lay there, but then another bolt of lightning struck the dirt about two inches from my face.

I screamed.

Just because it startled me, of course.

"Rikku!" Gippal rushed out of the pit and grabbed me. "It's okay. Look, you're okay. You did it. Now just change back, we'll do the scene, and then we can go right back." I was still hyperventilating. I wasn't scared of the lightning or anything, of course--I'm way too tough for kid stuff like that!--but it had just...startled me, that's all. Yup. Nothin' else to it.

"Oh, all right. But ya hafta turn around," I ordered.

He held up his hands. "Fine, fine. Guy can't get a break around here." I glared at him until he turned his back on me and walked off a few feet, and then I changed back into my regular clothes.

"Okay, you ready, then?" he asked when I let him turn around again. "Let's get going."
He swung the camera around to face me and turned it on. "Haha, well, this shouldn't be a big deal, right?" I laughed kinda nervously. "Camping out for a week. Just like back near Home, except...wetter."

"Just keep thinking that," he said as he came around the camera.

"I'm gonna!" I snapped. There was a flash of lightning somewhere a ways outside the tent and I made myself jump. Delayed reaction there. "Ahahahaa...yeah, nothin' to worry about, nothin' to worry about at all. Hahaha--"

A bolt hit really close to the tent. I screamed and scrambled back towards Gippal. "Ohh, noo, I don't wanna do this, I changed my mind, let's go home!"

He caught me and turned me around to face him. "Look, I know you're scared, but you gotta deal with this. You tellin' me a tough girl like you fought Sin and you're freakin' out about a little lightning?"

"I told you about that time when I was a kid, right?"

"Yeah, but electricity's not always that bad. It makes machina run. And I know you must've seen Lulu or someone use it to fight when you were on the pilgrimage with the High Summoner." I nodded. "People can control lightning. You don't have anything to worry about."

"I guess you're right." I started to pull away from his arms, but then there was another sharp flash and I flew back into them.

He thought for a second and then said, "I bet I know a way to make you love lightning."

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "How?"

"Watch and learn," he replied.

We sat in silence for ten seconds or so, and then the light hit again. Before I even heard the thunder, he had leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. Then he pulled back. I was about to say something, but then there was another flash of lightning and he kissed me again, harder this time.

"Are you serious?" I muttered under my breath. "This sucks. No one's gonna buy this one."

"You got a better idea?" he snarled between kisses.

"Ummm...no?"

"Then put some more life into it. They'll buy it if you sell it."

Flash.

Kiss.

Flash.

Kiss.

Flash.

"Gippal, knock it off!"

He leaned back, crossed his arms, and glared at me. "Okay, princess, what is it now?"

"You know how many times this has been done? I'm gonna lose my credibility as an artiste here!" I told him, glaring back just as hard.

I have a terrifying glare, by the way. My glare has been known to send grown men cowering to their knees. My glare can turn fiends to stone. My glare sends chills into the hearts of the most dastardly villains! So I have no idea why he laughed.

"Okay, fine," he said, getting up to shut the camera off and rewinding the tape. "You've got the next fifteen seconds to come up with something better. When I asked you to do this, I figured you'd be a brat about it, but even I didn't know you'd be pretentious enough to ruin a perfectly good scene with your delusions about being an actress."

"Whaddaya mean, delusions?" I yelled back. "You're just a stuck-up creep who's jealous because I'm a legendary guardian, a hero AND a video game star, and you're just a one-eyed loser who couldn't even be a decent Crusader!"

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about, kid! You're talking to a member of the Crimson Squad, so you'd better take that back!"

Ooh, man, he was mad now. That was a babyish thing to say even for him.

"Maybe when you get rid of your attitude problem, I'll think about it!"

"The only one here with an attitude problem is you!"

"Listen, buster, just in case you're forgetting, I'm only here because you called me up and fed me this stupid sob story about how you can't afford a decent wardrobe because nobody cares about you! I'm doing you a big huge favor here, and-- eek! Are you sure this is a good idea?"

He took his hand off the "RECORD" button on the camera and came around to me. As soon as the film had started rolling, he'd changed completely too. "Come on, Rikku. I know you're scared of thunder, but it's really no big deal, ya know?"

I sat down hard on the ground and wrapped my arms around myself. "I knowwww, but...eek!" There was another flash, and I jumped again.

"So what exactly is it that you're afraid of?" he asked, putting a hand on top of my head and leaning on it.

"The noise--and--mostly...getting hit!" I blurted out all at once as another bolt hit the ground.

"Oh, yeah, you got shocked when you were a kid, huh?" I nodded. "Aww, jeez. You just need the right equipment." He took out a shiny targe and held it up so I could see it. "See this? It'll ward off electrical attacks so they can't hurt you."

"I dunno about that," I said uncertainly.

"Fine. I'll prove it to you. Take a look." With that, he strapped on the targe and strode out of the tent.

"Gippal! Wait! Come back!" I called. He didn't even look back, just started whistling like the stubborn jerk he is. I scrambled over to the tent flaps--being careful to bring the camera with me--and peeped out.

He had his hands stuck in his pockets and was just strolling around like he was at Besaid Beach or something. I guess it's hard to be scared of lightning after you've worked at Djose Temple. He turned back to look at me when he was maybe twenty feet away and spread his arms like 'See? This is easy'--and just then, a bolt of lightning hit him and he crumpled to the ground, not moving.

"Gippal!" I wailed, making sure the camera was angled so it'd catch us perfectly and rushing out of the tent. "Are you okay?" He still wasn't moving. I knelt beside him and cradled him in my arms. "Gippal! Oh, Gippal...please be all right!" Still nothing.

He wasn't actually, like, dead or anything, was he?

Whether or not he was acting, though, I had to keep doing it. "Oh, no, Gippal," I moaned. Ooh, this was even more dramatic than the Farplane. A touching death scene--maybe I could even go on a quest to bring him back to life! Final Fantasy X-1.5! I could do a misty headshot for the box art...

Okay, Rikku, stay focused. "I can't believe it," I whispered just loud enough for the camera to get every word. "I... I never got to tell you...you can't be dead, Gippal! You can't be! You're not allowed to die until I tell you I love you!"

Right away, he sat up and grinned. "Man, took ya long enough, kid."

I jumped backwards and fell over--gracefully, of course. "Whaa--you--I--how--YOU BIG JERK!" I exploded. "How dare you fake like that?! I thought you were dead!"

"Yeah," he snickered, "but you got over your fear of lightning."

Oh. So that's what he was doing.

"Huh?" I sat up and did a good job of looking like I'd totally forgotten about the lightning. Which I hadn't, of course, being a constantly alert observer of my surroundings. Just then, a bolt hit right next to me and I didn't even flinch. "Yeah, I guess that's right," I said. "I was so busy worrying about you, I didn't even realize that the lightning was still going on."

"See?" he laughed. "I told you it was no big deal. You won't even need a week to get over your fear of thunder."

I stood up, brushed myself off, and reached my hand out to him. "I bet I can think of something else we can do for the week."

He took my hand and spun me into his arms. "This work for you?" he muttered into my ear.

"Better than that crap of yours," I whispered back through my teeth.

"Great. Then we're done. Let's get the hell out of here and get the camera and the film back before production starts." He kissed me, and then we started walking back towards the tent. "I think we've finally done it, Rikk."

Later I would blame him for jinxing it. Because at exactly that moment, there was another flash of lightning--and then a horrible burnt smell.

I looked over and saw what was left of the camera smoking just outside the tent flaps. The tape popped out and fell into a puddle, where the fire on it hissed and fizzled out. Half a second later, I heard the thunder.