Cliff ignored the dip of his mattress and the sweet smell of perfume in the air that signaled to him that he was no longer alone in his bedroom, keeping his eyes closed and the music that came from his portable CD player on, though he wasn't truly hearing the words. Instead, as it had ever since his mother died, all he could hear was the last things they said to each other, an argument caused by Cliff's own selfishness. The music that he was using in an attempt to drown out his thoughts, a useless attempt but one that gave him some measure of comfort was abruptly switched off. He continued to stay just how he was, not giving an inch in letting the other person know that he was aware of them.
"It wasn't your fault," was said softly.
Cliff ignored his aunt's voice, knowing that it was even as he wished that it wasn't. Everyone had said so, hadn't they? Taylor certainly had. He had been the one who'd made their mother go out and she'd never come back. The warmth of his aunt's hand was shocking as it touched his knee, Cliff having shied away from physical contact when possible, and he opened his eyes to look at her.
"I promise, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault."
He watched Zoe through tear-filled eyes as she said that, wanting to believe her and knowing that she had no idea how to make things right if he didn't. It was silent in the attic bedroom for a long moment, a slice of time that seemed like an eternity to both occupants. The stalemate ended as he sat up abruptly and enfolded his aunt in a hug. Her arms wrapped themselves around him in a gesture of comfort that he hadn't allowed until that moment, his own tears burning his eyes as he fought against shedding them and hers freely falling down her cheeks, leaving trails of dampness again his skin. He gave up the fight, turning his head into her neck and allowing his hot tears to burn her skin as he held onto her tightly.
He reveled in the gentle rocking, so similar to that his mother had used to comfort him when he was younger and when he'd allow it as he grew. His aunt was still talking, mostly quiet murmurs of nonsensical phrases mixed with a few phrases in English, usually 'not your fault' and 'I promise.' Cliff gave a strangled laugh, knowing that his aunt would say each a million times if she believed it would help him. There was a reason why his mother had wanted her sister to take care of them if anything happened to her.
It was several long minutes later before he pulled back, face damp from his tears but not crying any longer, and, at his aunt's worried face, he offered a small smile of reassurance and a nod. "It's not my fault," he said, repeating what she'd been saying. "You promise." He was aware of his aunt watching him in shocked silence before she started chuckling.
"Yeah; it's not your fault; I promise. So, you got my message, huh?"
Grateful that she had not only made it a point for him to understand it, but was now trying to make the emotionally charged scene more lighthearted, he nodded. "What other choice did I have?"
"When'd you get to be such a smart ass?"
They looked at each other before dissolving into watery chuckles.
"I don't know," he said quietly, before continuing: "I must be soaking up your influence. Mom always said you were one."
"Hey!" The outraged tone was strangled by continued laughing and Cliff knew that Zoe wasn't really upset. The laughter died down as Zoe reached out to run her hand through Cliff's hair. "Everything's going to be all right, Cliff."
He hesitated for a split second before agreeing with her. "I know. That doesn't make it hurt any less."
"I… I honestly don't think it's supposed to," she answered. "You are… we are… supposed to hurt right now. It's one of the prices you pay for loving someone."
"Well, it sucks,' he muttered, the sulky tone generating a chuckle from his aunt.
"Yeah, it does," she agreed. "But it's a part of life, Cliff. If you truly love someone, then you open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt." She shrugged slightly before continuing: "how else will you let someone in enough to truly know you, to love you? The pain… The pain reminds you that she was here, Cliff. It'll ease up soon. It won't hurt forever."
Cliff shrugged, not having an answer besides Zoe's simple 'it's a part of life' one. He didn't say anything, though he was aware that his aunt was waiting patiently for him to continue talking. Finally, he shook himself and said: "Aunt Zoe?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you…" he looked at her and took a deep breath. "Can you give me some time alone?" When he saw that she was about to protest, he continued quickly, giving her a few reasons. "You should probably check on the girls – especially Hannah – and see if Taylor needs anything." When he could see that she still wanted to protest, he offered her a small nod. "I'll be okay. I promise," he said with a slight smile.
"You sure?"
Cliff nodded again and then watched as Zoe got up from the bed and made her way to the top of the stairs. Once she reached it, she turned back, indecision clear in her face. "I'll be okay," he promised.
"You'll come get me if you want to talk? You won't become the silent music-man again?"
"I'll come get you if I want to talk."
In a moment she was gone, going down the stairs and closing the door to his bedroom behind her. Once the soft click could be heard, Cliff tensed. Unable to sit still for a minute longer, he tore off his headphones and jumped up from the bed, beginning to pace around the room.
Welcome to the first day of your new life, he thought. Nothing was going to be the same from this moment. But it was right that it was that way; life is about changing, about experiencing new things. Hadn't his mother always said so? Hadn't she enjoyed the changes even as she complained at times? Every time you make a decision, she'd always said, your life changes.
His mother…
Cliff wandered over to his desk and picked up the framed picture that was lying face down on the surface. Turning it over, he looked at the image it held; his younger sister's last birthday party. Taylor was there, having fun but looking embarrassed by it as the flash caught her attention, her expression one of laughing disbelief. Hannah was smiling widely as she showed off her new ballet costume, complete with the rhinestone hair clips that she had wanted for months, saying that they'd make her look like a princess. Cliff was nearby; one hand covered in the remains of a piece of cake and held out towards his older sister in a teasingly threatening gesture. Sue was there, standing a bit apart from her children as she watched them, an indulgent smile on a face that was filled with love. In the background, Hannah's friends were seen racing around playing, or eating cake and ice cream. Looking at it, he could almost hear the blare of Disney soundtracks that had comprised the music and smell the Kool-Aid punch that had been the beverage of choice along with the diet soda.
It was one of his favorite pictures and had been since it was first taken by Jeannie. It was absolutely perfect, showing the personality of each person even as it showed the bonds they shared as a family as a whole.
The pain is a reminder, Zoe had said. Maybe so, but it wasn't the only one he had. He had his memories and pictures. If he closed his eyes, he could still smell Sue's perfume, feel her arms as she hugged him. If he listened carefully, he could hear her chiding him or his sisters for something, reminding them to do their homework or not to fight.
His memories might fade in time; he may begin to have difficulty remembering her voice or perfume… but he'd never forget her completely. His life had changed, but he'd always remember her.
He carried the picture frame over to the window and touched the cool glass above his mother's face and nodded slightly. He looked out into the night sky as he spoke.
"I'm sorry you had to leave, Mom. I hope that you're happy, where ever you are. We'll be okay. Aunt Zoe'll take good care of us. I'll take good care of us. You don't have to worry about anything. I love you."
As he turned away from the window, a star flashed unnoticed in the night sky.
TBC in the Epilogue
quick note: the first three sentences that Zoe says are not mine -- they were used in the Pilot.