Epilogue: "A Letter of Healing"
Sue,
It's been a month and a half since I got the call from Jeannie telling me that you died. A month and a half since my world completely changed. God, Sue, six weeks. You've been gone for six weeks and it feels like forever. I just can't get used to the idea that you won't be there if I pick up the phone and dial. I still automatically remember things that I know you'd like to hear later.
I stepped into your shoes and I'm completely lost, trying to be everything to everybody. How did you do it? You always made being a single mom seem so effortless. Jeannie told me that you always said that I was the strong one. You've never been more wrong in your life. You're the strong one, Sue. You always have been. I just hope that I could be somewhere near what you are. What you were.
I know that you'd be worried about them, so let me tell you right now: the kids are doing okay. They still miss you, they always will, and things were really rocky at first, but they've settled down a bit. Of course, believing that you caused the accident didn't help anything. I know – you didn't. As soon as I heard that stupid theory, I shot it down. You, responsibility personified, speeding and running a red? As if! I did some investigating. I wanted – no, I needed – to give your kids – my kids – our kids – some peace of mind. I know for sure that Cliff blamed himself. I can guess that they felt abandoned; that you had chosen to leave them just like David had. They know different now, Sue. Know, not hope.
The people in the other car lied. The driver – who was drunk, of course – left the scene and his lover lied to the police. It was her car, so it was easy. She even blackmailed – or is it bribed? – a guy into saying that he was there and agreeing with her story. All to cover up an affair so her husband wouldn't divorce her and leave her with nothing. How anyone can believe money is worth a person's life or a family's peace of mind, I'll never know.
Because the insurance company believed the report – company policy to accept police reports that have witnesses who clearly state, and officers who accept, who was at fault – I investigated myself. Well, with the help of two agents – you'd really like them, Sue, and can I just say that one of them is really good looking? – but I did the bulk of it on my own. When it was all over, I gained the attention of Barb Miller, AKA the Intimidator, head of the Special Investigation Unit. She was so impressed by my solving your case that she offered me a job right then and there! She said that I obviously have 'insight as well as unusual… skills.' I can practically hear you laughing as I tell you that. Once again, Zoe Busiek lands on her feet and walks into a job.
I was really scared for a while. No place I tried was willing to give me a job. I was even thinking about going back to dancing temporarily, until I was able to find something else. You know things had to be drastic for me to think about that – I came pretty close to swearing that I'd never go back to exotic dancing again after the last time and to do it when I'm supporting three kids? I wouldn't if I had any other choice. Apparently a resume like mine isn't an asset in Chicago like it was in Vegas. Who would've guessed? I wasn't able to do anything right with the kids either – from broccoli in the mac and cheese to being able to control Taylor.
Did you know that that girl lied to me before I was here a full hour? Hell, forget the hour – half an hour! You weren't kidding all those times when you said that she's a handful! Cliff was really quiet and distanced, but a large part of that was guilt. Jeannie told me that he and Taylor fought the night you died, but wouldn't go into details. Hannah's the one that completely breaks my heart. She always carries around that stuffed rabbit that you got her as an anytime present and she tries to be upbeat, but every once in a while she gets so quiet, so still. I just want to hug her and never let go.
Taylor snuck out. Well, kind of, not really. We compromised on her grounding for lying so that she could go to a school dance since she already had a date. She went to a frat party instead. Sound familiar? I thought it might. If she can make me feel like this after a month and a half, I really owe our parents apologies for pulling all the stunts I did. I went to go get her and it's a damned good thing I did. She'd been slipped a date rape drug and passed out in the car on the way home. I took her to the hospital and got there in time. She's okay – they pumped her stomach and got everything out of her system. She's okay, Sue, I promise.
I did it, Sue. I was in the right place at the right time and I was able to take care of her. I did something right! I'm not the complete and total screw up that I felt like for so long. It was then, while standing by a nurses' station in a little black dress since I'd dressed up to play chaperone for Taylor's school dance, that I knew I could do this. I can raise these kids like you wanted. I can guide them into being adults that you'd be proud of. I know that I'm going to make mistakes, but I will succeed. I have no choice - I promised you I would.
As scary – and as heartbreaking (Hannah asked me if Taylor was going to die, too) – as that was, it did make me realize something else important. I'm not just here for you, because you asked and you wanted me to take care of them. I'm here for me, too. I always knew I loved them and I knew that I didn't want them going into foster care or David taking care of them, but I don't think I ever knew how much I actually wanted to be here. These kids are the last tangible link I have to you – living, breathing reminders of your life that I can look at and talk to every day. Nothing in the world can keep me away.
I met Marcos Morales – he's the one who asked me to be a chaperone. I knew he was around and was Cliff's coach, but you never told me that he got so cute! He's the one who asked me to be one of the chaperones. He said they needed 'adults.' I joked that no one's ever accused me of being one before, but I guess he was right. I'm a parent now and I have to grow up. You've finally succeeded into turning me into a responsible and respectable – okay, semi-respectable – adult. And you thought it would never happen! I hope that, where ever you are; you're patting yourself on the back. You definitely deserve it.
There's so much that I never got around to telling you, Sue, but you never needed me to anyway, did you? You always just knew in that way you always just know everything. But I still want to say the words, okay? I want to say the words that I should've been saying all along and believe that somehow you can hear them.
Thank you for being there for me when we were growing up. I always knew that I could count on you to chase the boogeyman away.
Thank you for being there if I really needed you, no matter how awful I was to your boyfriends.
Thank you for putting up with an annoying tag-a-long younger sister that never shut up. You've always had the patience of a saint and the heart of a mother.
Thank you for supporting my decision to move away from home when everyone else said that I was crazy and going to regret it. And for supporting every other move since.
Thank you for listening to me rant and rave and go off on tangents that probably confused the hell out of you.
There are a million more that I could say, Sue: an entire lifetime of them. Will my thinking them be enough? I hope so. I really want to believe that you can hear these. I do have one really big one left that I want to actually say:
Thank you for trusting me to raise your children. You've always believed in me when no one else has – including myself – and I won't let you down.
I guess what I'm basically saying is… thank you for being you.
I love you, Sue.
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The End (thought I'd never reach it…didn't you?)
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Final note:
Thanks for everyone who reviewed… I hope that they (and those who didn't) enjoyed the story… Or at least found it 'not horrible' lol