Disclaimer: I still don't own Gilmore Girls. But I'm working on it. I do have a plan titled "My Big Evil Plan to Steal Gilmore Girls and then Conquer the World". Just give me time. (And yes that italicized part in the middle of the chapter is a flashback.)
Chapter Four: The Awkwardness Of It All
I'm lost in a memory of you
And I keep trying to tell myself
That things have changed
That you're not the same
But what I wouldn't give
For one more yesterday
Rory saw him from across the room. He didn't see her at first but she was glad that he didn't. This way she could stare at him without him noticing. See if he looked any different.
She could only see the left side of his face. It looked the same. How much could a cheek change, anyhow? She began to move farther down the wall hoping to catch more of him. He turned then and spotted her. Did anyone else feel that electricity in the air? It was probably just her.
And then it was like a force drawing her forward. He was getting closer and closer to her yet she could tell he wasn't moving. She didn't even recall making her feet walk forward. Perhaps, she was floating.
She was only a couple of feet from him when he suddenly walked forward and closed the distance between them. And he didn't stop in front of her. He kept moving until his lips were on hers.
Rory shook her head and brought it down on the seat in front of her. She let it rest there while she mentally slapped herself for envisioning that. There was no way in hell that was going to happen. Besides, she had a fiancée.
Another mental slap. That thought came out wrong. She should have considered her fiancée first. He should not be an afterthought. For the entire bus ride she had done nothing but dwell on scenarios of seeing Jess again. Almost none of them were even remotely realistic. She needed to think about something else. How about her fiancée? The man that kept slipping her mind.
It was Wednesday night and she had been a bride to be for a full twenty-four hours. Sitting in the compartment above her was her overnight bag stuffed with enough clothes for a few days. She had no idea how long she would stay. For all she knew, she could be back on a bus in a few hours. Of course she wanted to spend time with her mother. Angry or not. But if things were too weird with Jess…
She had already told her boss that she was taking the next two days off from work but was expected back on Monday. So technically Sunday was her limit.
The heat on the bus started to become unbearable. Weren't May nights supposed to be cooler than this? Rory leaned her head down on the window and the coolness of the surface felt like heaven against her forehead. She closed her eyes and began to concentrate on non-Jess thoughts when the bus hit a bump. Her head flew upward before landing back hard on the window. She immediately pulled her head away and began to rub the spot where she hit it. She could feel a headache beginning to form and sighed. So far, things were not going well.
The bus slowed and Rory thought about staying right where she was. When it came to a complete stop, a feeling of nervousness swept through her. She began to feel jittery and her legs started shaking. As she stood up, her jelly legs nearly buckled. She reached upward to grab her bag and as she began to walk away, her eyes darted back longingly to her seat. She felt like being anywhere but here.
Off the bus she went with her bag in hand. She was glad that it was night. The darkness was her cover and hopefully no one would notice she was here. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone right now.
She passed Luke's with only a sideway glanced. It looked almost deserted. It was almost closing time and the only sign that it was open were the lights. She hadn't had coffee since that morning but now fought the urge for some. She had a destination in mind and nothing was going to distract her.
Or so she thought.
It wasn't until her feet hit the wood that she noticed where she was. Her mind had wandered and she had stopped paying attention. Her feet had brought her here out of old habit. Her mind-set on going home was momentarily sidetracked, as she walked to the middle of the bridge. She sat down allowing her feet to dangle above the water.
At the same time, she both hated and loved this place. It reminded her of Jess and everything they had shared. But shouldn't that not bother her now? She would be seeing him soon. Her feelings about that confused the hell out of her. Excited and happy, nervous and scared. And then there was that bit of guilt floating around. If it wasn't about Jess then it was about Sam. It was always there.
It was dark outside, but her eyesight slowly adjusted. Everywhere she looked, she saw a memory. Suddenly, her mind began to wander…
There were footsteps behind her. She turned her head slightly and out of the corner of her eye she saw Jess.
"Hey, Ror," He said as he lowered himself next to her.
She turned to face him fully to say hello but stopped when she saw he had his hands behind his back. "What do you have?"
"Me? I have nothing."
"You're not supposed to lie to your girlfriend. It makes her mad."
"I may have something."
"Oh, is it for me?" She asked excitedly.
"Not everything revolves around you."
"But it's for me right?"
He rolled his eyes before nodding his head.
"What's the occasion?"
"Just because," he answered.
"Just because? You never do a 'just because' gift."
"Well, if I did a just because all the time it wouldn't be just because anymore. It would be because the girlfriend expects it."
"Good point. Now hand it over." She began to pull on his arms.
From behind his back appeared a book. He handed it over to her.
"You put a bow on it?" She took the bow and stuck it on her head.
"Very cute," he said with his usual smirk.
"On the Road?" She asked surprised.
"You don't like it?"
"Well, it's not that. It's just that you know I'm not a big fan of this book."
"That's why I got it for you."
"You wanted me to not like your gift?"
"No, because now you won't hate it anymore," he explained.
"How do you know?"
"I have a feeling."
"You're psychic now?"
"Yup. I've been studying up on it. Next is telekinesis."
She opened the book and began flipping through the pages. Jess watched her expectantly. There was a bookmark in the middle of the book and as she came to that page it fell out. She reached down and picked it back up about to place it back in the book when she saw the words.
She looked up at him and he was staring nervously back. "What do you think?" He asked.
She smiled at him. She wanted to hear him say it out loud. And as if he had read her mind he spoke. "I love you, Rory."
Her smile grew wider. She loved how the words rushed up out her. "I love you too."
They both leaned forward at the same time and met in the middle.
Her mind snapped out of her little memory just as they kissed. Sighing, she ran her hands threw her hair. She had to make herself understand that it wasn't going to be like that when she saw him. No "I love you's" and no kissing. Things were different.
She began to stand up. Her hands were on the bridge pushing her upward when her eyes landed on her engagement ring. When she was fully standing, she took it off of her finger and twirled it in front of her eyes.
As she stared at her ring, confusion again took over her thoughts. It mixed with her headache making her feel like her head would explode at any second. Her heart was telling her to take off the ring. She didn't have to tell Jess right away. And she would tell him. Eventually. No need for the rock on her finger to do the explaining for her.
But her brain was working pretty well. Telling her that to take off the ring was a betrayal to Sam.
As a compromise, she slipped her ring on her right hand. But unfortunately, it was a rather extravagant ring and it screamed engagement. It just appeared that in a moment of idiocy, she has put it on the wrong hand. Sighing, she tried to block her guilt as she took the ring off and carefully put it in her pocket. That way it was still near her. And she could feel it against her leg through the fabric of her pants. A small reminder of Sam. All she had to do was reach down and she could touch it. No need for the guilt.
She tried to block her thoughts, all of her thoughts, as she headed in the direction of her house. Her confusion partly left her but nervousness reigned supreme in her stomach. Butterflies were fluttering around at top speed and crashing into each other. She didn't have much in her stomach but it could all come up at any second. She was scared that Jess would be different. Or that he would find her too different. Five years changed things even if one person had happened to be comatose for most of that time. But change could be good. Everybody changed eventually. But the thing that scared her most was that maybe they were too different now. Maybe too much time had passed. Maybe it was too late.
-*-
"Mom?" Rory called out as she entered her childhood home.
"Ror?" A startled reply came from the kitchen.
Rory shut the door behind her and entered the kitchen and found Lorelai and Luke eating a late dinner at the table.
Lorelai jumped up as soon as she saw Rory and rushed over to hug her. Rory's anger at her mother suddenly left along with her air supply as her mother threw her arms around her.
"Sweetie, I am so happy to see you!"
"Mom, I can't breathe," Rory choked out.
Lorelai stepped backwards. "Right, sorry. But hey, wow! You're here!"
"Yeah, I'm here." She nodded.
Luke stood up and gave her an awkward hug. "Good to see you."
Rory gave him a nod and a mumbled hello. She wanted to ask about Jess but was afraid to bring him up. One, she didn't want to get mad at her mother again although most her anger was gone, and two, she wasn't sure if she was ready to see him again.
"Are you hungry? We have cheeseburgers and veggie burgers. A nice variety," Lorelai explained.
"No, not too hungry. But I'm dying for a cup of coffee."
Luke went off to make more while Rory headed into her room to unpack. And it was as she unzipped her bag that she heard the front door open. And then came his voice.
"Luke, I closed up the diner but I think you have my keys." His voice floated to her ears and suddenly the butterflies in her stomach were tearing each other up along with the interior of her stomach.
She heard her mom say something to him but she couldn't make out exactly what it was. Her ears were concentrating only on one sound. And before she knew it, he was standing in her doorway. Her entire body froze as did as all thought process. She couldn't believe that here he was standing right in front of her.
"Hi," he said.
It took her a full minute to respond. Her brain slowly began to work again. "Hi," she whispered.
They were both staring at each other and it felt so…weird, for lack of a better word. It was like the awkwardness of a blind date. When you don't know the person at all and the conversation is plagued with uncomfortable silences. And eye contact makes you feel self-conscious so your eyes wander the room landing on everything but him.
But this wasn't a date and he was looking at her. He was studying her with a scrutinizing gaze and though she wouldn't admit it, she was doing the same to him. As if a different hair style or an extra line on the face could explain the changes over time. Perhaps the small scar on Jess's left cheek would tell her. He looked mostly the same though, with his dark, unruly hair and the same brown eyes she used to get lost in.
She missed staring into his eyes as cheesy as it sounds. After all, for the past five years they had been closed. The thought got her thinking and before she could stop herself, the words slipped out of her mouth. "I missed you."
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, she spoke at the same Jess did. His words, "You look different," meshed together with hers and neither heard what the other had said. They then both asked "What?" at the same time. She gestured for him to speak as she didn't think she would be able to repeat herself.
"You look different," he said again.
"Different good?"
"More grown up."
She opened her mouth to explain the obvious, that she had grown up, but her cell phone rang at that point. She was grateful for the distraction.
"I have to get that," she explained and turned to pick up her phone.
"Of course," he nodded.
She grabbed her phone out of her purse knowing instantly who it was. "Hello?"
"Hi, honey," Sam replied cheerfully on the other end.
Rory turned around and was surprised to find that Jess was no longer standing in the doorway. She walked forward and closed the door before answering Sam. "Hey, Sam. It's great to hear from you." It was a truth and a lie. She kept her voice quiet and walked over to the farthest corner of her room.
A part of her couldn't understand why she was hiding this engagement. The other part was yelling that it was obvious. She was still in love with Jess and was hoping for another chance. She couldn't tell him she was engaged. Did he even know that she had been seeing someone?
"So how is it there?" Sam asked.
"It's great. Just like it was when I lived her. But my mom wants me to watch a movie with her so I gotta go."
"Okay." He sounded disappointed. "I love you."
"I love you too." Why did that sound so forced?
She hung up and walked out of her room to find her mom lying on the couch. "Hey, hun," she said as she jumped up.
"Hi, Mom. Did…Luke leave?"
"Yeah, he and Jess both left."
"Oh." Disappointment killed the butterflies in her stomach. "Okay. I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Are you sure? Because Luke made that coffee you wanted."
"Oh, no thanks. You're welcome to it though."
"Technically, I'm not allowed to drink your coffee according to Luke. But since you offered it to me." Lorelai walked over and hugged her daughter. "It's going to be weird at first. But that'll change."
"Right," Rory mumbled.
They released from their hug and Rory headed back into her room. She grabbed a pair of pajamas from her overnight bag before knocking the bag to the floor. After taking off her jeans, she threw on her cow covered pants. It was a gift from her mother last year and it usually made her giggle. But tonight she was not in the mood. Her bed had no sheets and the pillow was without a pillowcase but at that point it didn't matter. There was a blanket and that was all she needed.
Tiredness overwhelmed her as did her headache. As she hit the pillow, the thought of taking an aspirin seemed really good to her but she doubted she had enough energy to get up. She closed her eyes and then instantly opened them. Sleep, no matter how tired she was, was not going to come easily.
So her mind drifted to Jess and their anti-climatic meeting. It had been nothing like she had hoped for. They were supposed to run to each other and then jump into each other's arms. And then do the whole spinning around staring into each other's eyes bit. Not just stare at each other awkwardly. In retrospect though, she realized she really should not have picked up her phone. They were talking or well, trying to talk, and answering her phone had made him leave. Like a phone call was more important than him. How stupid was she?
And so began a long night of chastising herself over their meeting and staring around the room.
-*-
And it was hours later when she couldn't take it anymore. The staring around the room at the millions of books she had. She didn't like knowing that they were there. It made her want to grab one and begin to read. Unfortunately, something she still couldn't do. It was why she had only brought a few books with her to New York. Wishful thinking of one day reading them but that had never happened.
So it was around two AM that she jumped out of bed and threw her shoes on. If the weather was anything like it was only hours earlier than a coat wouldn't be needed. She quietly crept through her house and then out the front door. She hadn't a clue where she wanted to go but it was obvious where she would end up. It was always the same place. And hopefully the walk would clear her mind. Or at least make her tired enough to actually fall asleep.
As she walked through town, thoughts of Sam and Jess swam through her head. So far the clearing her head part was not working. Sam. Jess. Jess. Sam. Jess. Sam. Sess. Jam. Sess? Jam?! Oh, she was way too overtired.
And eventually her feet brought her to the bridge as she knew they would. She stood at the end of the bridge ready to walk forward when she saw him. Or at least, the dim outline of him. Who else would it be? And while part of her was surprised to see him there, the other part wasn't. After all, it was what she had been hoping for when she had gotten out of bed. Maybe he was even here for the same reason she was. Maybe he was thinking of her.
This time she was determined to work through the weirdness. They would have a real conversation and she would find out that he was the same person who used to argue about books with her and would sneak coffee to her and her mom when Luke wasn't looking.
She began to walk towards him and the sounds of her footsteps caused him too look up. She sat down a couple of feet away from him.
"Hi, Jess," she said.
He turned to her. "Hey, Ror."
Silence fell and she was determined to break it. Although, she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to say next.