Disclaimer: I still don't own Gilmore Girls. (The lyrics are from "Taking Over Me" by Evanescence. I own the CD and nothing else.)
Thanks for all the lovely reviews! I really appreciate them. Keep them coming.
Chapter Five: The All Important Sheep Question
I lie awake and try so hard
Not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do…
In Rory's head, she and Jess were having a normal conversation. One about how much they had missed each other. And with every word spoken, they were sliding another inch closer to each other. By the end of the conversation, they would be shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee. His hand would be resting on hers.
But in reality, they were almost four feet from one other. And with each second that passed, Jess seemed even farther away. Why wasn't he saying anything? Why wasn't she saying anything? Why couldn't she get her mouth to move? Why did the words keep getting stuck in her throat? What could she say, anyway? There were too many questions and Rory didn't have a single answer. She didn't have any words.
It was scary at how deathly silent it was. Usually there was some kind of noise. A group of grasshoppers playing a private concert or some tiny animal darting through the grass. Night was a sound in itself. But this night was quiet. And it was driving Rory crazy.
To top it off, the awkwardness that had been present in her bedroom earlier had followed her here to the bridge. It was currently seated between her and Jess and was reveling in the silence. She wanted to squash it or push it into the water. This is something she would have done if it was actually a tangible object instead of just a feeling.
She should have been more prepared for this meeting. (She also should have taken an aspirin before leaving the house, but that's not the issue now, is it?) In the hours before she had left the house, she had been lying in bed with nothing to do but think. Why hadn't she thought about this? Although, to be fair, she hadn't known Jess would be at the bridge. She had just wished it with all her might.
It seemed that if something was going to be said, she would have to do it. Technically it was her turn to speak seeing as how she had said hello and he had said it back. Stupid rules of conversation. At this point, it didn't really matter what she said. All that mattered was that he responded.
"You said earlier that I looked different," she blurted out. She couldn't even use the excuse that she hadn't thought before she had spoken because thinking was all she had been doing for the past few minutes. She supposed that her brain had been attempting to continue the almost conversation they had begun in her bedroom. But it had only made her sound conceited. She hadn't seen him in five years but first she needed to know how she looked? That was not what she meant. At least it wasn't so quiet anymore. The sound of her mental slap was echoing through her head.
"You do," was his response. He paused and she expected him to repeat his earlier comment of how she looked grown up. He didn't. "Your hair's shorter."
"What?" she asked. Her hand immediately went to her hair. She ran her fingers through it and stopped at the ends which rested on her shoulders. She was about to protest and point out that her hair had been like that for awhile. But then she realized awhile was not five years. During her senior year, her hair had been a couple of inches past her shoulders. A few years ago, she had cut it and had kept it at its current length.
"I cut it," she explained.
"I can see that."
It was funny how Jess had noticed that. Most girls have to go bald to get a guy to ask if they had done something to their hair. But then again, Jess had a picture in his head of Rory when she was eighteen. He was picking up on the littlest differences.
"It looks nice," he added lamely.
"Thanks." Alright so the topic of her hair change was dying, now what? He had complimented her on her appearance so she could do the same to him. Then perhaps, she could make a comment on the weather. It would fit the description of a generic conversation between two almost strangers.
"So where do you live now?" He asked.
"New York City. I have a tiny apartment which costs more than a house does in Stars Hollow."
"How might you pay for this apartment?"
And here it was. It had come faster than she had expected and she wasn't ready for it. It was that opening for her fiancée. That place where she could mention Sam without seeming like she bringing it up for no reason at all. And she hadn't made her decision about it yet. Of course she should tell. It was wrong not to. Not only wrong for him but also for Sam.
She reached down to touch her engagement ring but found that her pants had no pockets. The realization that not only did she leave her ring in the pants she had been wearing earlier that day but they were now on the floor hit her. The floor was not the place for a three thousand dollar ring. But she couldn't worry about that now. She needed to tell Jess that her fiancée worked at his father's law firm. That he wasn't getting much money now but when he did, he was going to move them into a huge apartment.
"I write," she said suddenly. No! Her brain screamed. Wrong answer!
"Write?"
"Articles…for the New York Times."
"The Times? Really? That's great."
She had screwed up royally. She still had a minor chance to add in that having a fiancée who worked helped a lot too. But she didn't. And it killed her that she couldn't even get her lips to form Sam's name.
"It took me forever to get an interview there. And then I got stuck as the errand girl for awhile." This was all pointless information that she was spitting out. She hated herself right now.
"Errand girl? So Yale didn't get immediately get you a high paying job?"
She had a feeling that that question was just to find out what college she had gone to. It was becoming more and more clear that he had no idea as to what she had been doing the past five years. This also meant that he mostly likely had no clue that she had even been seeing someone.
"I didn't go to Yale."
"You didn't?"
"I went to Harvard."
"Are you sure?"
She nearly laughed. "Yes, of course I'm sure. Unless they moved Yale to Boston and changed the name…"
"I remember you telling me that you had decided on Yale."
An image of lying in his arms flashed through her mind. She remembered that day. She remembered the feel of his arms around her and his touch. It brought a blush to her cheeks and a small smile to her face.
"I changed my mind," she said simply. Hopefully, he wouldn't ask a reason. There was no need to get into that.
"Oh." And that was all he said.
"What do you not remember?" She asked suddenly. It was something she was very curious about. What kind of memories did he lose but she still had?
"If I remembered what I didn't remember, then I wouldn't not remember it."
She let his words sink in. The word Duh echoed through her mind. What a dumb question she had asked. She felt foolish but only said, "Good point."
"Are you going to start asking questions about random memories now?"
She didn't want to put any kind of pressure on him. But she was curious. Very curious. Did he remember the early morning at the bridge right after Dean had broken up with her? Did he remember the failed dinner at her grandparents' house and then the slightly better dinner a couple of weeks later? Did he remember giving On the Road to her? And even though he remembered their first time and that they had been together, did he remember the way he felt about her?
"If you don't mind."
"I'm used to it. A hundred people have already done it."
"Really?"
"Yup. Every person in this town has quizzed me on their memory of them," he explained. "Taylor wanted to know if I recalled the shoplifting I did and the pranks I pulled."
"And do you?"
"Of course. They're my fondest memories."
Rory smiled. That sounded more like the old Jess.
"I told him I didn't though," he continued. "And now he's really nice to me. It's kind of creepy."
Her smiled widened. "Ready for your hundred and first person?"
"Fire away."
"Day of the accident."
"As much as I would love having the memory of being hit by a car embedded into my mind," he began in a sarcastic tone, "it's a complete blank."
"Nothing at all?"
"Nope. But apparently I cut school and went to Hartford."
"You were punished for your delinquent ways," she said without thinking.
"Harsh punishment."
She regretted her words as soon as she heard his response. She didn't know what to say and was afraid that their conversation would end right there. But it didn't.
"I remember the day before the accident," Jess said, proud to be able to provide Rory with a recent memory. But then the actual memory of what happened that day hit him and he said nothing more.
"It seems kind of stupid now," she said in a quiet voice.
"I know you'd never cheat on me."
"You had every right to be angry…" she stopped. "This is the conversation we were supposed to have the next day at the diner."
"We're having it now."
"Doesn't matter now," she muttered.
They both didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. What was there to say? Nothing seemed right.
"Can I ask you an important question?" Jess asked suddenly.
His voice startled her and her heart began to beat faster. What would he ask? Maybe he would ask if she was still in love with him. Or if she had a boyfriend.
"Sure."
"Are those sheep are you pants?"
To say she was completely surprised would be a huge understatement. She would have expected a marriage proposal before hearing those words. "Excuse me?"
"It's dark outside so I could be mistaken."
She looked down dumbly at her pants. Then she realized that he making a joke. He was trying to lighten the mood. And she wanted to kiss him for it.
"They're cows."
"Oh. Of course."
"Are you questioning my fashion sense?" She asked.
"No, I'm questioning your sanity."
"I'm quite sane, thank you."
"I guess I'll have to take your word for it."
She wasn't completely sure what it was. A combination of her overtiredness, a lack of caffeine and Jess's sheep comment, she supposed. But she began to laugh.
"I'm glad you find me so amusing," he commented.
"Don't mind me. I'm just overtired."
He stood up then. "You should probably get some sleep before you completely lose it."
She smiled at him before she stood up. "Very funny."
"I'll walk you home."
"I can get there myself."
"Stars Hollow is very dangerous at night."
"Name one dangerous thing."
"I used to be dangerous," he said with a smirk.
He headed off in the direction of her house and she followed him. She fell into step next to him and was careful to keep her hand from touching his. "I hope I'm not out of your way."
"This town is the size of a postage stamp. Nothing is out of anybody's way."
"You don't live with Luke anymore, right?"
"Now that I can function on my own, I have my own apartment. Moved in not too long ago."
"Where do you live?"
"On Myers. Apartment 3."
She noted the information and tucked it away in her mind. For what? She wasn't quite sure. The rest of the walk was in silence. And for the first time since she had seen him, it was a comfortable silence.
When they reached her house, they both climbed the steps and stopped outside her door. They stared at each other and the word date entered Rory's mind. It seemed like a date, or at least the end of one. And it kind of was. It was the end of the blind date and standing in front of her was no longer an almost stranger. It was the same old Jess. He was more grown up, less rude, and just as sarcastic. It was no longer as awkward and it felt a bit like old times. Almost. It seemed that a lot of things with Jess had been an almost lately.
They were standing in front of her door, staring and not speaking when the thought entered her head. The thought of what people do at the end of dates. She reminded herself that it was, in fact, not a date. But she moved forward anyway. Her brain was functioning enough so that she didn't kiss him but instead continued forward and threw her arms around him. She wrapped them around his neck and leaned into him. She rested her chin on his shoulder and she felt his arms encircle her lower back.
This was what she needed. To feel his arms around her again. She had just needed to touch him, to make sure he was real. He wasn't some hallucination that she had cooked up to make herself feel better about falling in love with some other guy. This was really him hugging her back. And it felt good. So good that she forgot to feel guilty about it.
And they stood there like that. She wasn't sure how long exactly but she did know that the amount of time for a normal, friendly hug had long passed when they finally pulled apart. She felt a bit embarrassed and looked down at the porch. She didn't see his smile.
"Goodnight, Ror."
She lifted her head and watched him walk down her porch steps. "Goodnight, Jess."
He turned around and began to walk backwards. He looked at her for a few seconds and gave her a small nod before turning back around. She watched his retreating back until she couldn't seem him anymore. She stared at the spot she had last seen him for another minute before quietly slipping into the house.
When she reached her room, the first she noticed was her jeans lying on the floor. Sitting down next to them, she shoved her hand into the pocket. When her hands clasped her ring, relief flooded through her. Even though she had known it would be in there, she had still been nervous. The last thing she wanted to do was to lose it. The ring was a symbol of Sam. And she had gone to the bridge and spoken with Jess without it.
Her eyes moved from the ring in her hand to her overnight bag only a foot away. She reached for it and pulled it to her. Her cell phone was resting at the very top. After a minute of staring at it, she grabbed it and dialed a number. He was a sound sleeper but she hoped that if she let it ring enough he would wake. And she let the phone ring several times.
"Hello?" A sleepy voice asked on the other end.
"Hi, Sam."
"Rory?"
"Yeah, it's me."
"How come you're calling so late. Wait," he paused. "Early?"
"I guess I just needed to hear your voice."
She could practically hear him smile. "Aw, that was so cheesy, it was actually sweet."
"Thanks, I think."
"So did you call for any other reason than to deliver that line?"
"Nope. I couldn't sleep so I thought, hey, I might as well wake Sam up too."
"You are so considerate."
"Of course I am. I'm so considerate that I'm not even going to start a conversation. I know you have work tomorrow," she said.
"A nice early meeting."
"A meeting about what?"
"I have no idea. No one ever tells me anything."
"It'll be a surprise then."
"Yeah, surprise I'm probably supposed to have some case done. Oh, well." He paused. "I love you, Ror."
"I love you too."
"I'm sorry to say this but I'm too tired for the no you hang up first game so why don't you just hang up."
She smiled. "You hang up first."
"Oh, and here we go." But he was smiling too.
"Goodnight, Sam."
"Sweet dreams."
She hung up and threw her cell phone back into her bag. She stood up and climbed back onto her bed. As she hit the pillow, she felt the guilt climb back on her and settle on her chest. She tried her best to ignore it. The guilt didn't even lessen when she put her engagement ring on. Sighing, she turned on her side and closed her eyes.
And she fell asleep thinking of Sam. But she would dream only of Jess and of how it used to be. Except for a vague feeling in the back of her mind, she wouldn't recall her dream in the morning.