Disclaimer: Do I even need this anymore? I don't own Gilmore Girls. Duh. The lyrics are from the song "Stuck" by Stacie Orrico. I don't own that either. (Yes, that italicized part is a flashback. Flashbacks are fun. Really they are.)
A/N: Eek! So very sorry for the long wait. I had writer's block and then I began a new fic. Please don't throw things at me. Blame my muse. It's all her fault. But thanks for all the great reviews! I really appreciate them all. Especially Summer who is a fic reviewing goddess and deserves a shrine for her 4,419 words (!!) in that eight page review. And to Avid because she made me a kick ass banner and gives me nice compliments. And to Sweet because she writes a lot better than she thinks and she rocks for all the praise she showers upon me. Heh. Enough of long and pointless A/N's… on with the story.
Chapter Six: Ignorance is Bliss
I'm still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
The ringing of the bells was like music to her ears. As the door closed behind her, she had to suppress her urge to scream, "Sanctuary!" This was not a church and she was not the Hunchback of Notre Dame. But really, why did every single person in Stars Hollow feel the need to walk up to her and say hello? Did she have some target on her? Some kind of flashing neon sign that was attracting everyone?
She did a quick sweep of the diner and let out a relieved sigh. Not only did she not recognize anybody currently eating their breakfast—although there were only about three people inside—she also didn't see Jess anywhere. Coming to Luke's had been a great risk. Unfortunately, this morning when her mother had woken her up (at 7:30!), her tiredness and anger had distracted her from asking that all important question: When does Jess work so I can avoid him like the plague?
Rory really had no idea what her mother had been thinking this morning. Waking up a Gilmore before ten when she didn't have to get up was a big no-no. But Lorelai had done it anyway, asking her to come to work with her so they could spend time together. Rory had answered this with a death threat which Lorelai had found quite hilarious. But Rory cut off her laughter by hitting her with a pillow which Lorelai immediately grabbed from her. This led to a one-sided pillow fight which Rory tried to block by hiding beneath her blanket.
Then after more threats of violence—on Rory's part—and attempts at bribery with coffee—on Lorelai's part—an agreement was finally reached. Rory would go back to sleep and after she had "slept off her craziness", she would come to the inn. But unfortunately, sleep wouldn't return for her. She had been awake for too long and had zero chance of returning to dreamland.
After taking a shower and finding their toaster to be broken, she had ended up walking to Luke's. So far the day had been one annoyance after another and coffee was the only thing that could make her feel any better.
She walked over to the counter, about to sit down, when a figure popped up from behind it, causing her to jump backwards.
"Don't do that!" She scolded.
He looked confused. "Don't do what?"
"Jump up from behind the counter."
His mouth formed his trademark smirk. "Did I scare you?"
"No. I always expect people to randomly pop up behind counters."
"I did not randomly pop up," Jess insisted.
"You did so."
"I was down there putting away plates. I needed to stand up. You can't call that random."
"I can and I will," she said before taking a seat at the counter.
He rolled his eyes and slung the rag that had been resting on the counter over his shoulders. She watched as he grabbed a pen and the ordering pad from his pocket. As he assumed the standard ordering position, she felt an odd pang in her chest. Suddenly, she was very dizzy, falling back to years before. To when he would have leaned over and kissed her before pouring her free coffee. To when she would get lost in a conversation with him and have to run quite fast just to make the bus to Chilton. To when looking at him didn't hurt so much.
She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, knowing now that she should never have come in here today. The awkwardness was slowly melting away but a feeling of longing was left behind. She preferred the weirdness. It hurt less.
Opening her eyes, she saw him giving her a weird look. There was a few seconds of brown eyes boring into blue, and she feared his gaze would make her confess something she would rather keep hidden. Finally he broke eye contact by looking down at the ordering pad, and she let out a silent sigh of relief.
"What can I get you?" He asked.
Her mind was still reeling from her recent thoughts and it took her a full minute to respond. What had she wanted? There was something she had been craving for when she walked in… Ah, yes.
"I want a poptart."
"We don't have poptarts," he replied.
"But you have a working toaster."
"Explain."
She held up her pointer finger as a signal to wait one second. Then, she reached into her purse and pulled out a poptart in a plastic bag.
"You have to be kidding me," he said, looking at her incredulously.
She pulled her breakfast out of the bag and handed it over to him. "Pop this in, please."
He looked at her for a moment before taking it from her and putting it into the toaster behind him.
"Lorelai mentioned your toaster was broken yesterday," he said.
"That was a hint for Luke to go over and fix it."
"He was supposed to last night."
"He didn't though," she pointed out.
"Last night didn't go exactly as planned."
Their conversation hit a dead end as they both thought back to the night before. The awkward silences, the dancing around what they both wanted to say, the questions they wanted to ask. Their unspoken agreement that they would not mention the word love, that from now on, there would be no talk of their history. He had asked what she had done with her life but they were both pretending. Pretending that there was nothing outside of Stars Hollow, that she hadn't moved on and had her own life waiting for her in New York. A fiancée that no one knew about…that Jess wouldn't ask about.
Ignorance is bliss.
"So…" he said when the silence got to be too much.
"So…" Rory repeated dumbly. Then something occurred to her. "You still work at the diner." She wanted to slide down and hide. What had tipped her off? The fact that he was behind the counter or that he had asked for her order? Of course he still worked at the diner. Where had she been the past five minutes? From here on out, she was blaming any idiotic remarks on her lack of sleep.
She had expected a sarcastic reply in which he called her Captain Obvious. Instead he gave her a simple, "Unfortunately."
"Not a big fan of diner work?" She asked grateful for his response but at the same time missing his usual sarcasm.
"I don't mind it but it's not something I was planning on doing at the age of twenty-four."
"Good point."
"But as soon as I get my GED, I'll be able to get a real job."
"Your GED?" She asked.
"I'll never get a decent job without my high school diploma and technically I never graduated."
A pang of pity hit her. He had missed one of the milestones of every teenager's life. She remembered her own high school graduation. Every detail was committed to her memory. The butterflies zooming around her stomach as she gave her speech, her mother's face as she received her diploma, the tears in her eyes. And then there had been that thought floating around in the back of her mind: Jess was never going to have this. The thought had almost brought her down for the rest of the day.
"Nice to see you striving to be better." She really was quite surprised. High school had been a trivial thing to him. He had hated going and hadn't thought it worth his time. Now here he was making plans for the future.
"I just don't want to be working in this diner when I'm thirty."
"That can be your goal," she said with a smile.
"My new goal: To no longer work in diner at age thirty." He paused. "And I can get a great job with a GED. Did you know that more than 860,000 adults take the test every year?"
"I didn't."
"And one of every seven high school diplomas given yearly is based on passing the GED tests," he said spitting out another fact.
She smiled. He had clearly researched this. "How do I turn you off?"
"Change the subject."
She looked from him to her toaster and then back to him. "My poptart's burning."
"Nice transition." He quickly turned around and pushed up the bar on the toaster. The poptart sprang into the air, and to Rory's amazement, he actually caught it before it went back in. She had never quite perfected that move. She then proceeded to cover her mouth and try to hold in laughter as he suddenly let go of the poptart and had to catch it in the other hand. Apparently, he had forgotten how hot they could be. He turned back toward her and dropped it in front of her causing part of the edges to break off and the crumbs to scatter across the counter.
"Here," he said.
She looked down at it with a pitiful look. "You killed it."
"I did not."
"My poor poptart."
"I'll make you something else."
She looked up at him. "But I wanted a poptart."
"You can't always get what you want."
And that was all it took. Suddenly, she felt very sick. She could never have what she wanted. It was scientifically impossible. Even if time travel was doable, the movie The Time Machine proved that trying to change the past was pointless. It had happened. It was done. But she couldn't get past what could have been if it hadn't.
That "What if" thought was forever eating away at her. What if Jess had stepped off the curb two seconds later? What if he had never skipped school? What if they had never had that fight? If she had never almost-kissed Dean, never sat down with him? What if Lindsay had never broken up with him?
It's kind of funny how she could trace everything back to Lindsay, the nice blonde who had bought the Mark Twain magnet for her. She was the one who had started the chain reaction, caused the dominoes to fall. If Rory really wanted to, she could blame this all on her.
Life can be strange like that.
But… did she really want to be with Jess now? Of course she wished the accident had never happened. No one deserves to be stuck in an in-between for four years. But even so, would they still be together now? Four years later, would his engagement ring be on her finger? Maybe they would have broken up anyway. And without his accident, she never would have met Sam. With Jess, she had been Yale bound only changing to Harvard to escape the memories of him. And that had ultimately led her to Sam. Maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe Sam was "the one". Maybe fate just had a really sick sense of humor. But then again…
It may suck not getting what you want. But it was even worse not knowing exactly what you wanted in the first place. That longing, that empty feeling that can only be filled up by him and not being able to distinguish which him that is. Jess was standing right in front of her and she would have liked nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him. She could admit that. But if Sam was here…if he was the one in front of her…she'd want the same thing with him.
Her confusion was irritating her. She wanted to know what she wanted. Although it seemed like she couldn't even have that.
"Rory?" Jess asked.
She looked up at him and said in quiet voice, "I'll have some pancakes."
"Coming up."
He turned around to fill her order. Her eyes were on his back and her hand was on her ring.
-*-
"Rory, bless you! You have brought me coffee!" Lorelai called out at the sight of her daughter.
"Hi, Mom," Rory said as she handed over a cup from Luke's.
Lorelai grabbed it and began to gulp the coffee down—faster than normal.
"Are you okay?" Rory asked, staring at her mother with wide eyes.
"No," she replied. "Today I'm working with pure evil. Her name strikes fear in the hearts of all, her voice will send shivers down your spine, and if she changes the menu one more time I may have to bash her over her head with her clipboard."
"Are you going to explain who this ungodly person is?"
"Her name is Annabelle and she is the senior class president of Stars Hollow High, a.k.a. the prom coordinator."
"Prom?" Rory asked.
"Yup. The high school is having their prom tomorrow but we have to set up today because Miss-Everything-Including-The-Food-and-Streamers-Must-Be-Color-Coordinated won't have to time to supervise tomorrow."
"Supervise?"
"Oh, yes. She insists on watching everyone set up. She has this eagle eye and can spot a crooked streamer from a mile away."
"Lorelai!" A voice screeched.
Rory jumped. "What the hell was that?"
"I told you her voice would scare you," Lorelai whispered.
"That wasn't a voice. Whatever that was wasn't human."
A thin redhead carrying a clip board walked over to them and stopped in front of Lorelai. For such a small person, she had a very big voice. "What is this?" She asked, holding a balloon up.
Lorelai glanced at Rory, her expression asking if this was a trick question. Rory just shrugged.
"Well, Annabelle…" Lorelai paused when she saw her eyebrows go up. Lorelai rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. "Well, ma'am, I believe that's a balloon."
"There's no need for sarcasm, Lorelai," Annabelle said, accentuating the name the same way Lorelai had with ma'am. "This is the color aqua, correct?"
"I guess so."
"I ordered aquamarine."
"They're basically the same color."
"They are not," Annabelle insisted. "Look, this shade is brighter. It's too bright."
"You do know that the prom will be dark. No one will be able to tell what color the balloons are, let alone the differences in shades."
"I need you to get this fixed, Lorelai," she said as she stormed off.
"Mom, I can't believe you would let her treat you like that," Rory said, turning to face her mother.
"Murder is illegal, murder is illegal, murder is illegal," Lorelai muttered over and over again.
"Mom?"
"They're paying us real well. And I'm afraid that if the prom isn't to her liking, she'll pull a Carrie there."
"That could be bad for the students," Rory pointed out.
"I was going to say it would be bad for the inn but yeah, death is definitely bad too."
"Lorelai!" Annabelle yelled from across the room.
"I swear that girl is Satan." Lorelai sighed. "I'll go and take care of that but I'll be back in a few minutes so don't go anywhere, okay?"
"I won't."
"And do me a favor and call a priest," Lorelai said before she walked off.
Rory sighed and took a look around the Independence Inn, unsure of what to do. She ended up sitting down on one of the couches. This was what she hated. These moments of nothing to do, no way to occupy her mind. Nothing to do but think. It was times like these that made her long for the days she could still read.
So prom was tomorrow. She had never gone to hers. Sometimes she regretted staying home that night, missing out on the "once in a lifetime experience" as Lane had described it. She didn't like thinking back to prom night. Of that pain that had filled her entire body, weighing her down until she sank into her bed, burying herself beneath layers of blankets. She had spent the night holding back tears and imagining what the dance would have been like if Jess had been there. Of that one perfect dance every teenage girl is guaranteed. That one perfect moment. It depressed her now to remember how the room seemed to spin as she laid there, looking up at the ceiling. How lost she had felt.
She tried her best to push the memory from her mind. A new popped in, taking its place. A memory of him. She hated these, they were always haunting her, making her remember feelings she had long since buried. But she was letting it take over anyway. The memory became clearer and a nostalgic feeling washed over her…
"You're really excited about this whole prom thing, huh?" Jess asked.
"What? Who, me? No. Prom, no big deal," she replied.
"You've been chattering about it for the past fifteen minutes."
"Chattering?"
"A chattering chatterbox."
"Is that a joke?" She asked.
"It's alliteration."
She rolled her eyes at his remark. "Lane has been talking about it non-stop for the past week and I don't know…"
"Rory…" He paused. "Would you like to go to prom?"
"No."
"What?"
"No. I mean, that was terrible. Ask me again."
"Are you kidding me?" He asked.
"And when you say it, don't make it sound like it will cause you bodily harm."
He looked down, his gaze fixed on the counter for a second, a smile tugging at his lips. Then he looked back up at her and took her hand in his.
"Rory, will you do me the honor of being my date for the Stars Hollow Prom?"
She tugged her hand away and poked him in the shoulder. "You're making this into a joke."
"I'm not asking again."
"Alright, alright. I would love to go to the prom with you."
"I hope you know that I'm not going in a tux."
"Birthday suit?" She asked, trying to copy his smirk.
"I meant jeans but whatever makes you happy…"
"Jeans and your Metallica T-shirt?"
"Perfect." He turned around, about to get back to work. Then he froze and turned back to look at her and sighed. "I'll get fitted for a tux next week."
She smiled. "Thank you," she said as she leaned forward. She was going to kiss him, he was only inches away…
"Rory?" A voice asked.
He was too far away now. Just out of her reach.
Her head snapped up and she saw her mom standing over her. "Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Rory replied, trying to shake away her thoughts.
"Are you sure? You look very pale. Oh god, Annabelle didn't curse you or something, did she?"
Rory tried to force out a laugh but it came out sounding half-hearted, fake. "No, she didn't."
"Good because I need you to come to the kitchen with me."
"How come?" She asked as she stood up to follow Lorelai.
"I need your help. This is the plan: I need you to stand behind Sookie and hold your arms out, ready to catch her. Then after I explain to her the prom menu change, she'll faint into them."
"What if I don't catch her?"
"Well you can always just stand behind her and let her fall on you."
"You want me to break her fall?" Rory asked.
"Sounds good."
"That'll be Plan B," she said as they entered the kitchen, the doors swinging shut behind them.
-*-