Chapter Twelve: Timeless

It wasn't until she boarded the bus that she noticed the slight quiver in her legs. When she sat down, it was more noticeable; her knees wouldn't stay still. Minutes into her trip, the sensation had spread to her calves, before slipping further down and settling in her toes. The shake was so violent that even her neighbor raised an eyebrow, asking if she was about to be sick. A curt nod and a mumbled "I'm fine" was enough to get the man to turn away. Rory, beginning to wonder if maybe nausea was the cause, hugged her knees to her chest, letting the soles of her feet hang over empty air.

Resting her head on the glass of the window, she watched New York fly by in a blur of people and buildings. The colors seemed to run together, leaving gray and dark blue streaks across the city. She closed her eyes, fearful of dizziness, trying to will her quaking body to rest. She struggled to blame the sensation on her hunger and lack of sleep, but she knew this was something entirely different.

The night before, she had lain awake on the couch, doing her best to sort out all that she felt. Doubt and certainty were entwined together, heavy and sharp on her lungs whenever she considered a decision. No pro and con lists had been written, and no elaborate fantasies of the future had been dreamt up. She didn't want to make this about the future, and by extension, she didn't want this to be about the past. Time could not factor into this, because the ideology of it muddled everything else up. But in the end, she knew, it was all about time. It was about how people changed, and doors closed, and how nothing ever really lasted. It couldn't.

What it all boiled down to was what was right, and what was wrong. No matter which way she spun it, she already knew what was right, and what she should do. The certainty and relief that were supposed to come with the conclusion, however, never arrived. Her mind was too clouded to deliver it.

Stepping off the bus in Stars Hollow, she ignored the déjà vu that immediately overwhelmed her. It was only a week ago that she had done the same thing, afraid and confused and full of anticipation. Today, her purpose was different, but she still felt very much the same way. It was almost as if nothing had changed.

She hurried through town without much of a thought to stop and say hello. Her destination was crystal clear in her mind, and she refused to get sidetracked. Thankfully, her legs had lost their rubber feeling, and she was able to hold herself up. Breathing erratically, she made her way down the side streets, and finally found his.

In no time, she was at his door, her hand poised over the wood. Seconds later, she had knocked, and he was standing in front of her.

"Hi." His voice came out in its normal pitch, but the surprise was evident in his expression.

"Hi," she replied. "Can I come in?"

He hesitated briefly, and she saw it. He didn't want to let her in.

"Please," she added. "I want to talk to you."

Jess took a step back, allowing her to enter. Behind her, he shut the door, and then looked at her expectantly. In return, she offered him a blank look; he bit back a sigh.

"Rory?"

"I wanted to see you," she said immediately, the words flying out of her mouth.

"You shouldn't have come."

"I had to. The last time we spoke didn't go the way I wanted."

"Things can't always go your way."

"I know that." God, did she know that. She wanted to lash out at him for even deigning to point that out, but at the last second, she refrained, taking a quick breath.

"Why are you here?" He sounded deflated, almost beaten down. It was painful for her to hear.

"Do you really believe we wouldn't have lasted?" She asked, once again taking him by surprise. "Why do you think that?"

"Rory, geez… we just…"

"Did you have no faith in our relationship? Is that what you thought while we were dating? Were you already picturing us breaking up? Even when I told you I loved you… when we were sleeping together?"

"That's not it at all, and you know it. Jesus, you're making it into something I was anticipating. I wasn't counting the days until it happened, I was just being realistic."

"Realistic? You're acting as if you were some fleeting high school crush. I was in love with you! Do you not get that?"

"When you went to college, everything would have changed. You would have went one way, I would have went another," he tried to explain.

"Jess, I wanted to be with you forever. When I thought of us, I saw it. I knew it."

She felt the familiar crack within her, as her resolve broke. In her mind, she sensed the desolation and disappointment that came with his accident. It was the same raw hopelessness of missing him, and not knowing how to get around it. Back then, she didn't know, didn't want to know, what it meant to be without him. She couldn't fathom it.

"We were eighteen."

"It didn't matter," she replied. "It was real." She paused, near tears. "But I don't know if it is anymore."

He stayed silent at this. She was crestfallen when he didn't jump to defend what they had, what he felt. With a dizzy step, she moved forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in. He returned the gesture, and she swallowed a sob, unable to speak as her eyes filled.

"I love you," she whispered, her lips nearly brushing his ear. "I'm sorry that that can't be enough."

She thought it was true; she wanted it to be. It was hard to discern the guilt and longing from love. She had to pick it apart, judging which was timeless, and which was part of the past, its strength only an illusion. After doing her best to sort it all out, she thought that maybe, even after a five year separation, she was still in love with him. And maybe, she always would be.

Too soon, he pulled away, reaching up to where her left hand rested on his cheek. He laid his over hers and gripped it, bringing it down to waist level. Their eyes followed the path, watching their hands; his still covering hers, his fingers playing with the diamond she wore. He twisted it to the side, as if studying it. She felt her heart grow heavy, sick with guilt at showing up today. But he knew, she reasoned. He had seen it as soon as he opened the door.

"It's a beautiful ring," he said finally, glancing back up at her.

"Thank you," her voice came out raspy, lined with the tears that still had not fallen. "He saved up for months. He wants to marry me, Jess."

"And you?"

Her response was delayed, hesitant to admit it. "I want to marry him too."

Jess gave a slight nod, still holding her hand, before promptly letting it go. She crossed her arms at her chest, hugging herself, trying to get through the rest of this visit.

"I think you should go," he stated.

"Are you upset?" She asked. "You're the one who was convinced we wouldn't last past high school. You're the one who said it's been too long."

"It has been. Five years is a long time, Rory. Time passes, and things change."

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you even come today? Was this your idea of closure? Last time was enough for me, thanks."

She flinched at the underlying bitterness. "I came to say goodbye."

"Fine. Goodbye, Rory."

"I don't even know how you feel," she said, desperate. "We may have talked, and had sex, and then you got mad at me for lying to you. But what does it mean? I just don't…" She cut herself off. "Goodbye, Jess."

Her voice was even, free of the anger and hurt she was feeling. She turned to head right back out the door, but he grabbed her arm, rooting her to the spot. He moved to match the angle she stood at, stopping in front of her. She refused to look him in the eye, not wanting to prolong this any further. But in the end, she met his gaze, and didn't protest when he leaned forward and kissed her.

"You know," he mumbled, pulling away a short distance, "or you wouldn't be here today."

He went to close the gap again, but she turned her head, so he only caught her cheek. To her surprise, he didn't move away, but instead drew his lips across her skin, landing just beneath her ear. He brought her closer, his arms secure around her waist.

"I love you," he stated, for the first time in years. The words had a rustic quality to them, overused by her, but completely new for her to hear. Drawing them in, they felt warmer, petal soft. It caused a stirring within her chest, a slight breaking. It hurt.

"It can be enough," he added, worsening the sensation.

She took a hard step back, breaking the contact. Looking up at him, she suddenly felt foolish. Everything he had been saying, the way he was acting all stemmed from hurt, and an attempt to make this easier for her. He wanted her to move on, head back to the city and forget about him. He wanted her to bury the past. He loved her, of course he did! And now with it said out loud, she couldn't breathe, terrified of what would happen once she left today. She was at a loss.

"I'm just trying to do the right thing," she said.

"Then go."

She stared up at him, her arms stubbornly glued to her side, instead of reaching for the door. He ran a hand through his hair, unsure of how much more of this he could take.

"Goodbye, Rory." This time, he was gentle, trying to give her what she wanted. "I said it, okay? There's no need for you to come back."

She studied him a moment longer, a faint memory resurfacing, prodding the back of her mind. It seemed too faded, ripped at the edges, but then she remembered more clearly: watching him from the other side of the window, sitting on a bus in New York. She had followed him because he hadn't said goodbye. Standing here now, directly in front him, she couldn't tell if he was reflecting the past, or simply trying to get her out the door, and keep her from returning. Turning to go, she realized it didn't matter anymore.

"Bye, Jess."

----

He seemed relieved when he saw her, sitting at their kitchen table, a blank expression on her face. Coming home from work, he had almost expected an empty apartment.

"Rory?" Sam asked, coming to a stop in front of her. "I didn't think you'd be here… you left for work so early this morning…" He trailed off, unable to keep the sadness from his voice.

"I didn't go to work, I went to Stars Hollow," she answered. No more lies, she had decided. It was time to use the truth. She looked up at him, her hands in her lap, closed around the ring. "I don't want to be half in this."

"Why'd you go to Stars Hollow?"

"I went to say goodbye to Jess. I wanted things to be okay between us, and I wanted to see him one last time."

"Oh." It was more of an exhale than an actual word. Sam rubbed his forehead, unsure of what Rory was trying to say.

"I want to marry you," she said quietly, "but I don't think I can."

"Rory…"

"I love you. You were never a replacement or a backup while I waited for him. You were my best friend in college, and I swear, I don't know what I would have done without you." She stood and took a step toward him, but paused, afraid to go closer. "You made me happy," she continued. "You make me happy. You made my life so much easier. You made me forget. And when I had to remember, you made it okay."

"Rory," he repeated, unable to come up with something more.

"When I left this morning, it felt like I had made a mistake saying goodbye to Jess, but I thought once I got home, here, it would be okay." She paused, squeezing the ring. "It still feels wrong."

Sam took a step back from her; then another, and another. He hit the counter, and leaned against it, needing it to keep him upright.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice failing her.

"I know," he responded, nearly choking. "I know."

----

She had thought that when she saw Sam, she would be filled with the sight of him. Their apartment, her home, would be enough to rid her of the doubt that had lingered after her trip to Stars Hollow. But instead, it had stayed strong, solidifying its presence when Sam walked in, and she felt near tears. She loved him; she knew she did. Staying with him was the right thing to do, the logical decision. It had been too long to consider something with Jess. But she couldn't doubt what she had felt; right now, she couldn't doubt what she was doing.

As soon as he answered the door, she spoke, letting everything out in a rush. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you about him, and I'm sorry hurting you, and for showing up again and again. I'm sorry for this morning, for doubting you, and for making you think that this was over."

"Rory, what —"

"I gave back the ring," she finished, holding up her hand to show him. "I can't marry Sam when I'm thinking about you, and wonderingwhat could have been."

"You can't stay with me, thinking about him."

"Jess, I love him, but… I can live without him," she began, trying so hard to explain. "I don't think I can do that with you. Not again."

His entire expression changed with this admission, but still he didn't take a step back to allow her in. "It's been —"

"What's the past five years when you compare them to the next five? The next ten?" She asked, beating back every argument Jess could use. "Time passes, people change," she recited, remembering what he said earlier, "but the way I feel about you… it didn't change."

A moment went by in which she waited, silently begging him to say something. She wanted him to know that she had made the right decision. That after today, no matter what happened, she wanted him, to get to know him, fall in love with him again. The years had passed, and so much had changed over time, but she now realized, it didn't matter. It could work; it could last.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked, already stepping out into the hallway.

"A walk?" She repeated blankly.

"Or we could just sit on a bench… stare at our shoes."

She could only stare. His words were a comfort, something old and familiar, and it made her want to cry. This was him, Jess, five years ago and today. He was still hers; he was still him, no matter how much time had passed.

"That sounds nice," she nodded, feeling a slow smile grace her face. "I've got nothing but time."

A/N: Surprisingly, this is only the second fic I've ever finished on this site, one part works aside. So therefore, I get to make a few thank yous before I let you on your way.

Thanks to everyone who has ever reviewed this, or read this, and silently enjoyed. Thanks for giving it a chance, and for following me over the months. Thanks to those who read, but stopped after it seemed I'd never write this again. Thanks to the new readers who joined late, and sent me encouraging words. Thanks to Marissa for the endless support, the gentle prodding to update, and for overall being a really great friend. Also, to Lia for being wonderful and for her help and advice with this final chapter. And then thanks to the usual suspects: Mai (!!), Becka, Arianna, Melissa, Ali, Lee, and all my wonderful Lit friends on

Thanks for reading. Please, drop me a line, and let me know what you think.