Chapter 12: Underneath It All

Alex felt like a defeated soilder returning to Randy. It was like she'd put up such a strong fight and been so ademant that she wasn't going back and it had all been for nothing. She felt like a fool. Randy seemed just as surprised when she walked through the front door and muttered that she was back. Alex went straight upstairs, she just wanted to be alone, but Randy followed and stood in the doorway while she disappeared into the closet to change.

"Why are you back? Not that I'm not happy, I was just wondering."

"I just am." Her voice said from inside the closet.

She came out buttoning up a shirt and tugging down the edges.

"Why are you so desperate to hold onto me?" She asked suddenly.

He was taken back. "Because you're my wife."

"You are so possesive. Especially when I'm with John or Torrie. It's like you're scared I'm going to run off or something."

"I don't want you to get...."

"Confused?" She finished. "Too late. I might be the only one who sees it but it's definatly there."

Alex turned away from him and couldn't help herself. "I've got to tell you Randy. You're holding onto smoke. It's just slipping through your fingers."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, feeling a stab of panic in his stomach.

"You're clinging so badly to something, or rather someone who isn't there. Me, what is the point? And don't start with all this 'you're my wife' crap."

"Alex, you know why."

"Because you love me?"

That was it, the anger that had boiled over a few days before was there again. Her face was red and she went wild.

"Newsflash Randy! I don't love you! Got that! I am not in love with you and I don't want to be here with you!"

She knocked the contents off the top of the chest of drawers to her side and screamed. When she lunged for the photographs sitting on the shelf Randy grabbed hold of her by the waist and pulled her back. She struggled against him.

"Get off me!" She howled and then she was crying. Dropping to her kness and crying. Randy pulled her towards him.

"I don't know what to do." Alex sobbed. "I don't know what's going on."

"It'll be alright, you just need to give it time."

She pushed him off her and shuffled closer to the wall, turning away from him so he couldn't see her. She banged her head against the wall a couple of times and Randy pulled her back.

"You're going to hurt yourself." he told her.

"I'm not doing any good here."

Randy didn't say anything, but Alex remembered what John had said early, about how Randy had always needed her more then she needed him. what the hell was going on? Alex was beginning to think that even before the accident she wasn't sure what kind of life she was living. She had to make a choice, she could carry on this pointless battle for her old self or she could start over again the way she wanted.

What are you going to do? the inner voice asked.

"Randy, I think we should go away somewhere, away from this place."

"Why? This is where......"

"Whatever you're going to say, you should say in the past tense Randy. Let's just go away together."

Alex what are you doing?

No reply.

Alex?

Still nothing. Randy was hugging her. His main concern wasn't why she had changed so quickly, it was where they could go.

Alexandra, what is this about?