Title: Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy: Homos In The House
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian
Rating: R, for language and jokes.
Category: Humor, crossover
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.
Thanks: To everyone who reviewed. Really. Thank you so, so, so MUCH!
---
Neither of them slept well that evening. Mulder was filled with nervous anticipation, as was Scully, but Scully continued to be tickled. She finally fell asleep somewhere in the vicinity of two in the morning, waking at six to get to Mulder's on time. She paid extra attention to her makeup. If she was to be on camera, she intended to look good. Mulder, however, woke only when he heard her loud knock at the door, pulling him from his reckless slumber.
"Morning bright eyes!" She greeted, pushing her way past him and into his living room. Mulder stared for a moment into the hall, ran a hand through his ruffled hair and picked up the paper. "Morning to you too." Scully set two paper cups down on the coffee table and sat back, once again smiling. Mulder, still out of it, sat next to her on the soft leather and picked up a cup. "You will not appease me with Starbucks." He said and took a long sip from the cup. He closed his eyes for a brief moment of bliss. "Or I could be wrong."
Scully was, at this point, entirely too happy with herself. Flipping Mulder a smug grin, she sent him off to the shower, leaving her in the silence of his living room. All too suddenly, she felt lonely, as if she didn't know what to do with herself. She was torn between making an attempt to tidy up his "war zone" or let it simmer. Resigning herself to waiting, she placed herself back on the couch and waited for Mulder to finish his cleansing routine. By the time Mulder finally sauntered into the room, Scully had browsed through most of Mulder's back issues of Sports Illustrated and made sure that his "adult reading" was conveniently out of site- in the wastebasket.
Mulder discarded his towel on his desk chair and mussed his hair with both of his hands. Finally running his hands over his wrinkled tee-shirt, he slipped on his dirty sneakers and presented himself to his partner. The look on his face made it seem as if he was proud of himself, but Scully frowned. "What?" Mulder responded, almost feeling hurt, but waiting for her response. Again, Scully gave him the once over and he looked down to examine himself self-consciously. "Is this bad?" Looking over his shoulder, he checked out his backside, and looked back to Scully.
Flippantly, she chuckled. "They're going to have a *field day* with you!"
Suddenly, there was a violent knock at the door. From behind it came a muffled explanation. "Police! We have a warrant to gay up this apartment." Gleaming, Scully made her way to the door and swung it open enthusiastically. In front of her stood the five most popular gay men on the planet: the Fab Five. Their smiles matched her own. She stepped back to allow them into the apartment.
Filing in one by one they all greeted Scully. Carson grasped both of Scully's hands and administered a kiss to each cheek. "You're a goddess to realize this boy needs help." He turned his flamboyant energy to Mulder. "And you! You are under arrest for..." He thought for a moment. "For conspiracy to... do this!" Gesturing with his hands he looked around the apartment. Kyan, who was standing behind him, nodded, and left to begin exploring the apartment.
"Okay, what is this? Alright, see here, waterbeds went out with teased hair. This has to go." Thom said, cringing as he peeled back a layer of bedspread. He saw the condition of the fitted sheet underneath and cringed again. "We're gonna have to fix that."
Back in the kitchen, Jai and Ted were sorting through the contents of Mulder's cabinets. The clutter was overwhelming in some, the sparseness surprising in others. Ted reached and pulled out a bent and battered strainer. "Oh look, apparently he drains his sheet metal in this as well." He tossed it into the large trash bag at his feet. Jai moved from the cabinets, obviously confused, to the refrigerator. He anticipated and was greeted with the worst. "October '97, he's living like a frat boy up in here. I'm surprised it hasn't fermented." Jai placed the bottle on the counter and moved over to Mulder's stove. It was caked with grease and grime. "Yeah, this is the worst kitchen yet." Ted said and tied the bag at his feet and threw it out the window. It hit the pavement with a loud clang.
"Paaaaaar-tay!" Carson yelled from the foyer.
Mulder was positively out of his mind with rage for Scully but was highly amused by the five men who had invaded his home. He could hear Scully speaking with Kyan in his bathroom. Sensing the amusement in her voice he maneuvered his way between the cameramen and the homosexuals until he could hear her more clearly.
"Well he never really does anything with his hair, he either has the "Just Rolled Out Of Bed" look or the "I Think I'm Twenty Years Younger" look. It's impossible. It's too long, always hanging down into his eyes..." Kyan reached into Mulder's medicine cabinet as Scully looked on. "And economy size gel. The man has such wonderful hair too."
Meanwhile, Thom had switched places with Kyan and Scully and was critiquing the bathroom. "It's surprising, this mildew has been here since the Nixon administration. Dana? Darling?" Scully came out of the bedroom and peered around the door. "Does he clean at all? Ever?" Thom lifted the toilet seat and peered into the bowl. He shrugged. "Better than most."
"To tell you the truth, I don't think he has time to tidy up. I don't know where I find the time. We're always either in the office or out on a case." Scully's eyes traveled the walls and landed on the toilet bowl. "Better than most." Thom nodded while pulling the soiled yellow towels off of the towel rack. He tossed them in the wastebasket and washed his hands. "See, what we want to do with this place is bring a little more of him into this apartment. I think we're going to try and shy away from all of the earthy tones, okay? See, all this yellow, it's entirely too drab all at once. So we're gonna try and break it up a bit. Is there a color he's partial to?"
Scully thought for a moment. "Well, he is red-green colorblind. So anything with any red or green tinge would be bad. I know he likes blue, and purple, he just doesn't know how to integrate the purple into..." She trailed off and gestured with her hands. Thom nodded.
"Okay, we can do that... though integration rarely seems to work. Perhaps we should torch the place... and start fresh." Thom looked at the room skeptically and sighed.
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian
Rating: R, for language and jokes.
Category: Humor, crossover
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.
Thanks: To everyone who reviewed. Really. Thank you so, so, so MUCH!
---
Neither of them slept well that evening. Mulder was filled with nervous anticipation, as was Scully, but Scully continued to be tickled. She finally fell asleep somewhere in the vicinity of two in the morning, waking at six to get to Mulder's on time. She paid extra attention to her makeup. If she was to be on camera, she intended to look good. Mulder, however, woke only when he heard her loud knock at the door, pulling him from his reckless slumber.
"Morning bright eyes!" She greeted, pushing her way past him and into his living room. Mulder stared for a moment into the hall, ran a hand through his ruffled hair and picked up the paper. "Morning to you too." Scully set two paper cups down on the coffee table and sat back, once again smiling. Mulder, still out of it, sat next to her on the soft leather and picked up a cup. "You will not appease me with Starbucks." He said and took a long sip from the cup. He closed his eyes for a brief moment of bliss. "Or I could be wrong."
Scully was, at this point, entirely too happy with herself. Flipping Mulder a smug grin, she sent him off to the shower, leaving her in the silence of his living room. All too suddenly, she felt lonely, as if she didn't know what to do with herself. She was torn between making an attempt to tidy up his "war zone" or let it simmer. Resigning herself to waiting, she placed herself back on the couch and waited for Mulder to finish his cleansing routine. By the time Mulder finally sauntered into the room, Scully had browsed through most of Mulder's back issues of Sports Illustrated and made sure that his "adult reading" was conveniently out of site- in the wastebasket.
Mulder discarded his towel on his desk chair and mussed his hair with both of his hands. Finally running his hands over his wrinkled tee-shirt, he slipped on his dirty sneakers and presented himself to his partner. The look on his face made it seem as if he was proud of himself, but Scully frowned. "What?" Mulder responded, almost feeling hurt, but waiting for her response. Again, Scully gave him the once over and he looked down to examine himself self-consciously. "Is this bad?" Looking over his shoulder, he checked out his backside, and looked back to Scully.
Flippantly, she chuckled. "They're going to have a *field day* with you!"
Suddenly, there was a violent knock at the door. From behind it came a muffled explanation. "Police! We have a warrant to gay up this apartment." Gleaming, Scully made her way to the door and swung it open enthusiastically. In front of her stood the five most popular gay men on the planet: the Fab Five. Their smiles matched her own. She stepped back to allow them into the apartment.
Filing in one by one they all greeted Scully. Carson grasped both of Scully's hands and administered a kiss to each cheek. "You're a goddess to realize this boy needs help." He turned his flamboyant energy to Mulder. "And you! You are under arrest for..." He thought for a moment. "For conspiracy to... do this!" Gesturing with his hands he looked around the apartment. Kyan, who was standing behind him, nodded, and left to begin exploring the apartment.
"Okay, what is this? Alright, see here, waterbeds went out with teased hair. This has to go." Thom said, cringing as he peeled back a layer of bedspread. He saw the condition of the fitted sheet underneath and cringed again. "We're gonna have to fix that."
Back in the kitchen, Jai and Ted were sorting through the contents of Mulder's cabinets. The clutter was overwhelming in some, the sparseness surprising in others. Ted reached and pulled out a bent and battered strainer. "Oh look, apparently he drains his sheet metal in this as well." He tossed it into the large trash bag at his feet. Jai moved from the cabinets, obviously confused, to the refrigerator. He anticipated and was greeted with the worst. "October '97, he's living like a frat boy up in here. I'm surprised it hasn't fermented." Jai placed the bottle on the counter and moved over to Mulder's stove. It was caked with grease and grime. "Yeah, this is the worst kitchen yet." Ted said and tied the bag at his feet and threw it out the window. It hit the pavement with a loud clang.
"Paaaaaar-tay!" Carson yelled from the foyer.
Mulder was positively out of his mind with rage for Scully but was highly amused by the five men who had invaded his home. He could hear Scully speaking with Kyan in his bathroom. Sensing the amusement in her voice he maneuvered his way between the cameramen and the homosexuals until he could hear her more clearly.
"Well he never really does anything with his hair, he either has the "Just Rolled Out Of Bed" look or the "I Think I'm Twenty Years Younger" look. It's impossible. It's too long, always hanging down into his eyes..." Kyan reached into Mulder's medicine cabinet as Scully looked on. "And economy size gel. The man has such wonderful hair too."
Meanwhile, Thom had switched places with Kyan and Scully and was critiquing the bathroom. "It's surprising, this mildew has been here since the Nixon administration. Dana? Darling?" Scully came out of the bedroom and peered around the door. "Does he clean at all? Ever?" Thom lifted the toilet seat and peered into the bowl. He shrugged. "Better than most."
"To tell you the truth, I don't think he has time to tidy up. I don't know where I find the time. We're always either in the office or out on a case." Scully's eyes traveled the walls and landed on the toilet bowl. "Better than most." Thom nodded while pulling the soiled yellow towels off of the towel rack. He tossed them in the wastebasket and washed his hands. "See, what we want to do with this place is bring a little more of him into this apartment. I think we're going to try and shy away from all of the earthy tones, okay? See, all this yellow, it's entirely too drab all at once. So we're gonna try and break it up a bit. Is there a color he's partial to?"
Scully thought for a moment. "Well, he is red-green colorblind. So anything with any red or green tinge would be bad. I know he likes blue, and purple, he just doesn't know how to integrate the purple into..." She trailed off and gestured with her hands. Thom nodded.
"Okay, we can do that... though integration rarely seems to work. Perhaps we should torch the place... and start fresh." Thom looked at the room skeptically and sighed.