Obsession
(A Ginny/Harry angst/dark poem fiction in Ginny's POV)
A/N: Thanks to my friend Zoë Broen (Zi) for her poem 'Obsession' and her help on putting together the first bit of the fan fiction.
Disclaimer: The plot/storyline is mine, the poem is Zi's, and the rest is J.K's and whoever else worked on, and produced the wonderful books of Harry Potter…
- - -
I can't wait to see you,
To look in to your eyes.
- - -
Every day I'm filled with pleasure, because everyday you're there. I can't wait to see you in the morning as we all wake up. I watch you all the time in the common room, in the halls, and at lunch, always in the same place. Every little thing you do is so beautiful so magical, all the things that make you Harry Potter. I watch you, talking with your friends across the room, with your beautiful soothing voice, your attractively messy black hair, your bright green eyes. Staring, as your mouth moves to form every word spoken by your perfectly formed lips. I suppose I can understand why you never talk to me, we're not in the same year. It's always me who approaches you. But even that is hard, because every time I get near you my courage leaves me. Whenever I look into your eyes I'm hypnotized, it's like nothing else matters, it's like heaven in your eyes, and it hurts. You are the one that I admire, the one that I obsess over, and the one I may never be a part of. Oh, but I want so much to be able to talk to you, for you to talk back. I want you to say my name with passion. I want your arms around me. I need you, I love you, I know I do.
- - -
I can't wait to touch you,
And feel that you're surprised
- - -
As everyone dreams his or her hopeless dreams of money and power, fortune and fame, I dream about you. Everything there is to dream of you. You eyes, your hair, your skin, your lips… I'm so happy in my dreams and when I'm awake it's a constant throb of lonely emotion in my heart, it feels like I don't exist. The ache, the pain as I know I am not a part of you. I watch you though, every time I can. I see you with my brother and Hermione, but it's never me by your side. I want to be with you desperately, to hold your hand, to kiss you gently, to comfort you when you're scared, and to heal you when you are hurt.
By your side…
"Hello Ginny," Hermione's voice was a shock from my daydream, "Hello," I hear my voice say, as I look up at her. It's weird to talk to her, all the time she spends with him. Yet I seem comfortable around her. Her brown eyes staring down at me, making me
feel insignificant. Her long, brown bushy hair curled down around her shoulders. She held some books in her hands, and she always tries so hard…
I get up to follow her, as she heads towards him. I feel suddenly confident with her at my side. I can talk to him now, I'm going to talk to him. I walk towards him Hermione is with me, she seems to know my ambition. I felt myself smile a little as I got close to him. I can feel my heart race under my ribcage. 'I can do it I can talk to him!'
I unsteadily placed a shaking hand on his shoulder to catch his attention. He turned swiftly around, it's nice to know his reflexes are high. He was seemingly surprised to see me. I had to smile. His eyes penetrating mine, I thought I was going to faint as I looked into those mirror rows of eternity.
"Why hello Ginny. Welcome back Hermione," His voice was so calm, so collective, and so striking. I had to close my eyes and slowly come back to reality. When I opened them I noticed that Hermione had taken her usual place at Harry's side. I then realized I was no longer needed. So I left… alone.
- - -
I can't wait to hold you,
And make you finally see.
- - -
It's early, really early. I can tell. I can feel the tears roll down my face as I stare longingly into the fireplace of the Gryffindor common room. I watched as the flames danced and lashed around. "Why don't you understand?..." I whispered to myself wiping a newly formed tear away. "What do I have to do to make you see?"
"Ginny?" came a voice, soft, gentle, caring voice. His voice.
I turned around, wiping the last smears of pathetic tears away. His body appeared in front of me suddenly. "Are you ok?" He asked, his voice was so beautiful, so full of concern, it had put me in some kind of a trance. There was a silvery cloak in his hand. Is stared at it because I couldn't meet his eyes, as wonderful as they are…
"Were you crying?" he asked, he cared so much, and yet he had no idea. I looked into his eyes, I was just unable to help myself. I got lost, unable to find myself as his eyes looked deep into my own. I looked quickly away afraid of giving away everything.
Oh, how his eyes seemed to bore into my soul. Soon my knees gave way and I feel to the floor. Harry had moved to try and grab me as I fell, but he failed from shock.
He kneeled next to me, I hadn't looked up at him for fear of fainting, "Ginny?" he breathed. I could feel more tears forming and falling down my face. He placed his hand on my shoulder. It gave me tingles up my spine.
"Oh, Harry," I gasped. I knew he knew I liked him, but if only he knew how much. "I'm sorry…" I could feel my stomach felt like it was full of butterflies.
"Sorry for what?" He said. Confusion and curiosity filled his voice. I knew that question would be the death of me, I couldn't lie, and I couldn't run either. I couldn't hold back any longer. Not knowing exactly what I was doing or really caring for that matter, I leaned closer to him and breathed in deep as our lips got closer. Harry quickly pulled away even though I didn't particularly care, I knew this was uncomfortable for him, and kissing would just make it worse. "Ginny, please tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help…" he said this seemingly unaffected by my previous gesture. He just wanted to know why I was crying. I knew there was no turning back once I started. But I had to say something. So I told him everything.
"It's you," I whispered. Harry looked confused but stayed quiet as I went on, "you're the problem," I looked at his hands, they were clean and beautiful, no odd coloration, no rough edges, and his nails were clean and shining, "you are also the only solution…" I continued on to spill every thing there was to spill, every little secret about Harry that I kept locked in my heart burst out and he heard it, all of it. When I was done rambling on, I found myself unable to look into the eyes I loved so much.
- - -
I can't wait to hear you,
Say that you need me.
- - -
"Ginny…" He whispered. The sound of his voice forming the sound of my name gave me such great pleasure. His arm came around my shoulder drawing me closer to him. I threw my arms around his neck and sobbed into it. I could feel his hands caressing my back. I saw a single tear roll right onto the front of his shirt. "What do you want me to do?" I barely caught him say though the ringing in my ears. I didn't really understand his question. I pulled back and he looked at me, our arms still around each other. "You're my friend, Ginny…" he said simply.
I could feel my body growing warm with anger, "Is that all?" I asked pulling myself away from him.
"That's all I have," he responded.
I stood up suddenly, something in me felt like it shattered into a million pieces, never to be replaced. 'That's not good enough!!' I thought. I looked down at him I knew my face became reproachful, I couldn't help it. "I love you," I said simply looking down at him. Through my ramblings I hadn't exactly stated this fact. He was looking up at me, but I couldn't read his exact expression. I started to regret I had said anything at all, regretted him catching me in this weak state. But it felt so good to be held in his arms. I think my feelings might have burst out anyway, better it was just the two of us.
He stood up now, our size difference was amazing, he was taller then me, his shoulders were broader, and he seemed so much of a man even though he was skinny. 'It would be weird if he was big and burly,' I thought trying to think of something else then all the feelings I was caught up in. My thoughts were running by so fast right now, I didn't know what to do. I stared at his socks. I couldn't meet his eyes, not now. I had the sudden urge to run, but suddenly his hand came up and rubbed the side of my cheek. His hand was so smooth. It trailed down my neck to my collarbone. Why was he touching me like this? It was so torturous to think we could never be more than friends. I looked up at him. I knew he could see the hurt in my face, I was never good at hiding my emotions. I felt I couldn't hold anything from Harry right now. We were so close I cold hear his sporadic breathing as he said, "I love you too."
I felt like my legs became like rubber. I never thought I would actually be hearing this. These words from someone I loved, someone who I obsessed over, obsessed to the point that I thought it would always remain one sided. He had said it, there was no mistaking that. But maybe he meant just as a friend? I knew that he loved Hermione and my brother as friends.
"I really love you… Ginny…" he said, his arms came up, shaking he embraced me, closer then before. I buried my face in his chest. He smelt better then I had ever imagined the mixture of smells, sweat, clean clothes, and the outdoors. I reached my arms around his thin torso, and grabbed at his clothing. I could feel sweat had seeped into his clothes slightly, but I didn't care. Nothing else mattered, I wanted this to last forever. This comfort of our trembling bodies' close, the feeling of ecstasy flowing though my body. I turned my head sideways, I could hear his heart beating quickly, and I became aware of my own heart doing the same. I also became aware of how extremely tired I was.
- - -
I can't wait to feel you,
To feel an honest touch.
- - -
Morning had come. I couldn't believe what had happened the previous night. I didn't even dream. Last night had been enough to give me the best night sleep I ever had. I just wanted to lie there, in my bed. Thinking about how my dreams could have come true, that I would no longer have to fear my obsession alone. It had started to drive me crazy. To the point I couldn't concentrate in classes, to the point of wanting to break things. But maybe it was all over. Then a sinking feeling came over me. What if we were both just caught up in the moment to realize the truth? That he wouldn't love me. But no! I couldn't think that right now. It would ruin the happy moment.
I got out of bed, went about my daily routines, and bounded down the stairs to the common room where I know Harry must already be waiting. I saw him, sitting there with Ron already, my brothers hair was red and fiery, just like I imagine mine must be. I had tried to put it up in a half ponytail today. I thought it might look nice.
When I caught Harry's eyes, I raised my hand in a simple wave. I wanted to sit next to him. I wanted to talk to him about the other night. But I couldn't do it right now, not with my brother sitting right there. So I kept walking, and straight out into the hall.
The day went on, and I stared at him whenever I could, at breakfast and at lunch. Hoping for an opening, but he was always surrounded by either one of his two best friends. I was uncomfortable thinking I could walk up to him, even now. I didn't exactly feel that the previous night had changed much about how we should behave socially. I thought maybe Ron and Hermione would think it weird, or possibly annoying…
I didn't want to eat dinner, I had a bad potions class and it had made me irritable. I rushed up to my dormitory, wanting nothing more then to be left alone, I was sick of seeing people in the halls. But when I entered I saw him. He was all alone, my previous feelings of wanting to be alone completely turned around. Now all I wanted nothing more then to be held in his arms again once again.
He looked up, "Hey… Ginny," he said, something was bothering him, I didn't know if it was too personal to ask, but I did anyway.
"What's wrong Harry?" I said as sweetly as I could, not wanting him to concentrate on how bad my day had been before this moment. I had crossed the room now and sat as close to him as I could. But the armchairs were big and over-stuffed and didn't allow really close contact, which started to annoy me.
"It's nothing…" he said quietly, "I'm kind of glad you're here..." when he said these words my vision blurred, and my heart soared. Being the cause of comfort to him was another dream come true.
He leaned closer to me, it was odd how he could get closer to me without me even moving in the big armchairs. He took my hand, which was resting on the edge of my chair. I didn't move, I didn't know what to do. All of my fantasies of what I would do to Harry in a moment like this were flushed from my brain.
Suddenly he pulled on my arm. I was being lifted up and over the arms of the chair. Now I was sitting on his lap, he let me rest my head under his chin. I smiled and closed my eyes. He started to play with my hair, twisting his fingers in the red strands in the nape of my neck. I shivered and hugged more closely to him. He hugged me tighter as well. 'Another perfect moment,' I thought, somewhat half asleep.
- - -
I can't wait to love you,
And I want you very much.
- - -
I love you Harry, I always have, I always will. These are the things I feel, things you cannot change, even if you won't commit Harry, even if you don't love me back. But I want you Harry. I want this to last forever, I want this to go farther, and I want you to feel what I feel deep inside. I made you promise to see me every night. I don't really care if we go out, that's just something trivial people think they have to do if they love each other. But my love is stronger than that. Stronger than any vow, then anything else I have ever witnessed before. In this world of magic nothing is more powerful then the feelings of a human heart. Something so deeply devoted, so willing to work towards its ultimate goal. Once you have accomplished this there is such a relief, such a feeling of completeness, of happiness. If you don't love me yet Harry, I will make you love me.
He pulled away from the kiss we had been sharing to examine something across the room. "What is it?" I asked trying to get him to look into my eyes, and not whatever else he was looking at.
"It's nothing," he said simply returning his attention back to me, just the way I liked it.
I'll give you all I have Harry, if you would so desire. I would change my ways for you Harry, if that's what you wanted. All my love is yours, it's a gift I give to you. Something that you may not understand, something you can't hold. Something so wonderful, something so pure, something so free. You can still cherish it if you want to, you could show it off if you want to. Be careful not to break it Harry, my heart is in your hands. It is because I love you that much Harry. It is because I crave all these feelings that feed my anxiety. They make me whole. They make me complete, they make all the pain fade away.
All these feelings I feel for you, even if I wanted to tell you how I felt, it wouldn't be the same. Words are never good enough to explain feelings exactly, there is nothing to describe it, as much as you try. Nothing to exactly describe the warm feeling you feel somewhere near your stomach when you hold someone close. Nothing to exactly describe the completeness you feel when the one you love, loves you back. Nothing to explain the longing you feel, when you are locked away at night, alone, unable to be with the one you love. Nothing to describe the way that bodies are like matching shapes, like puzzle pieces, only whole when they are together. I hope this kind of magical feeling stays forever between us. Its like we've been waiting since birth for this feeling that feels so unreal, feelings that everyone has felt before. The longing, the wait, the torture, the pain. Is it all over?
"I'm sorry," he said, he pushed away, he stood up, he walked away.
- - -
Can't wait to chase you,
When you try to leave.
- - -
"NO!" I yelled, not thinking that anyone might hear me. I couldn't let this happen. Not now, not when everything felt so right.
He turned around. He seemed to have made up his mind. I couldn't understand, why now? Why not never? My heart was filling with something, it clouded my vision, and it made me sweaty. It made me act as though it was someone else moving my body. I had felt this before, when I first came to this school. And it felt so evil.
"You can't leave!" I yelled. I didn't even know the reason, I didn't really care, he didn't leave unless I wanted him to. I started to yell some more, I didn't even know what I was saying, making false accusations, telling him he didn't have an excuse, answering myself. All the while he was silent, yet he looked fearful. My heart felt like it was up in my throat. When I finished there was only silence. There was the fire burning in the fireplace, but I couldn't hear that, I did hear Harry make a noise, like he was struggling to compose himself. He opened his mouth to talk, and closed it. He opened it again and a strange noise came out. Maybe I had said too much, too many personal things. Maybe I hit right on the mark. Other things in is life were so complicated. I regretted getting angry. The feeling is so temporary that it comes and goes, and I always regret it later. I just stared at him waiting for his reply that never came. He simply turned around and ran out of the common room. I watched. I thought about what had happened.
Suddenly a new feeling came over me, one that I had never felt before. Maybe this situation wasn't so bad, maybe I was making too big of a deal about it. But this new feeling didn't leave room for doubt. It didn't leave room for regret. It was a new persona all on its own. It was a side of me I never knew existed. I wanted to chase him. Even if things would turn out wrong, even if things were never the same as before, at least it was better then nothing. And I ran. I ran after Harry. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do. I didn't really care. These legs of mine were stronger then they had ever been, and they urged on, after Harry. And I would catch him.
- - -
I can't wait to catch you,
And hear you try to grieve.
- - -
I ran after him. All I could see was him. Trying to get away. Trying to escape from all that I had given him. Trying to leave all that we could be together.
It was late at night. Amazing how we were never seen by a teacher. Suddenly I saw him run into a room, I didn't know if he even knew I was following him, I slipped in after him into the dark room. He was breathing heavily now, I was too but I tried not to show it.
"Harry…" I said, my voice rapt with bated breath. I could see the shimmer of his eyes, looking at me wildly. It gave me another shot of that emotion I hadn't figured out yet. The fact that he was alone with me where no one would find us. That he was trapped, with no way out. He was afraid of me. He cowered under me. I stepped closer to him till we were face to face. He stood his ground. "Why do-" I started, but he was quick to follow.
"Can't you understand that things don't always revolve around you?"
My eyes grew wide, I couldn't believe he was trying to say this, why couldn't he just let go? Why couldn't he pretend nothing was wrong?
He sighed, and looked apprehensive. Like he was about to give me some bad news. I wanted to run away, deny anything was even wrong, but I had to know. "I should have told you," he said, "I should have stayed true to myself, true to my feelings. I wasn't sure I loved you this way at first. I thought maybe I would give you a chance. I couldn't sit there and do nothing. I couldn't have the guilt on my conscience after everything else going on in my life. I wish you could understand."
These words echoed in my head. I could feel the familiar pitch of anger, the familiar choke in the throat, the tears building in my eyes. Why couldn't I understand?!
- - -
I can't wait to hit you,
And feel your skin get hot.
- - -
My fists were closed so tight that my nails were digging deep into the palms of my hand. My whole body was shaking. How could he lie to me like this? How could he say such things? After all we had been through. Was it all really just a lie?
Hastily, I smacked him as hard as I could. I could feel all of my hate going through my fingers. If he didn't feel the same love as I did for him, he would share the pain that I did.
He didn't try to get away, he only put his hand up to where I had smacked him. I was blocking his only exit and if he did move, I would stop him. His eyes weren't meeting mine, he stared somewhere behind me on the floor. I couldn't help myself. I pulled him close, I could feel the warmth on his cheek where I had hit him. His hand moved to push me away. I grabbed his arm as my body flew back, and dug my fingernails into his skin, just as they had been digging into my hand. My pain would be his pain. We would share this, we would share everything, and I would make him. His eyes became wide, and he stared at me, his green eyes trying to see through me, see what had changed. Nothing had changed. How could he be so insensitive? Nothing has changed… You're just too stupid to realize this.
"Ginny…" he gasped, he was so afraid. Good. Let this terror be his, he tried to make my nightmares come true. I wasn't about to let him be happy. "Let me go…" I won't, he can't make me do anything. He won't boss me around. Not after all this suffering. I had told you my feelings. But they were mine to keep. I gave them away and all you can do is sit there and mock me like this. To think I would let you go this easily.
- - -
I can't wait to cut you,
And see your pain on the spot.
- - -
I kept something hidden. Something on one even knew I had. There was more then the book that man had slipped into my cauldron then I ever let on. I kept it in my pocket. I could barely stand to be without it. I played with the sharp edge of the blade. I knew that it had a design of sorts engraved into the metal. I then tightly gripped the leather bound handle. I wrenched it out and stabbed into his arm in one swift movement.
His eyes became wide, he pulled away, and shrieked out with immense pain. I don't know why but I felt the need to do it again, make him feel more pain. Make him scream out again.
He was looking wildly at me. I couldn't hear what he was saying now. Everything that was real blurred around me. It was almost like a dream. I looked intently at him. He held his arm where I had cut a huge gash into it, which was bleeding everywhere. It covered his arm and hand, it started to drip on the floor. He must have been thinking about escaping. I wouldn't stop him this time. I was too drained of energy to run after him anymore. I fell to the floor. Still griping the small blade tightly. He scooted closer to the door, he was testing to see if I would react. When he thought I wouldn't attack him again he ran as fast as he could, away from me, out the door.
- - -
I can't wait to kill you,
And see your blood run red.
Because if I can't have you,
Then you should be dead.
- - -
To think that everything could be ruined by this innocence. That everything could crumble and fall so easily. The wrong word, the wrong gesture, and everything could be lost forever.
I told you how I felt, and you told me exactly what I wanted to hear. But now I know it had all been a lie. You never loved me the way I loved you. Your feelings had been fake. You told me all of these lies. I lay in the dark, fearing what I had to fear. Thinking of all the things we shared. All my dreams have vanished, I just want to fall away into a dark sleep. One in which I will never wake. You won't listen to me anymore. I won't accept this anymore. With this I shall break what you are now.
I walked next to his sleeping form. I could feel my stomach filling with twisted emotions. The thought of what would happen after. The thought of having this ruin my conscience. Maybe it wouldn't just be you who left this night. But I ignored these feelings for now. This was the moment. This was the time. The time to end everything. Your time is done.
I lifted the hand, which held the dagger, shaking all over with adrenaline. I thrust it down to pierce the flesh upon your throat… And watched the colour of my heart.