Chapter 13: Holding Strong... Mostly

After Spike had dropped Buffy home after the hospital, she had spoken to her mom. She hadn't told her anything about the previous night's events but they had spoken about how Buffy felt moving back, how she could improve her grades that sort of thing. Buffy had told her that Spike was starting her tutoring lessons again, but that she didn't have to worry as they both were seeing different people. Although she didn't tell her daughter, Joyce wouldn't mind Buffy getting back together with Spike. Sure it was seeing Buffy with him that had pushed her to move in the first place, but she had seen in the month they were together how much they cared for one another. And Buffy had been miserable in LA, she believed that was the reason for the way she had behaved. But she had to let her daughter decide these things for herself so she said nothing.

They had talked about general things, it was really just re-opening
the lines of communication between them that had been closed off for
so long. Both of them felt guilty for it. And both felt better after
they had talked. That had been three weeks previously and Buffy was
going to her ninth lesson with Spike that afternoon. Finals started
on Monday and then it was summer vacation, and she wanted to do well.

Spike had been helping her a lot, just like he had promised. She had
decided she didn't want to do any kind of drugs and that included
smoking pot and so far she had been doing good. Angel hadn't been
back down but he called most days. One thing Buffy and Spike had
never mentioned was their kiss that day in the hospital, both were
afraid of dragging up old feelings that couldn't be acted upon so
they left the subject alone.

Buffy was lounging around on the couch watching television before she left for her session in an hour, she had just flipped the channel to
her favourite talk show when the phone rang. She went to answer the
cordless in the hall.

"Hello." she answered into the receiver.

"Hey Baby." Angel's voice came from the other end.

"Angel, how are you?" she knew she was keeping the conversation
formal but it had become a habit over the last few weeks.

"I miss you." he told her.

"Miss you too." it was an insincere sentiment, truth was she hadn't
been missing him since her sessions with Spike started again, but she
couldn't exactly tell him that. She was about to say something else
when the doorbell rang, she carried the phone with her to answer,
when she threw it open Angel was standing in front of her with his
phone held to his ear and a smile on his face.

"Surprise." he said into the phone before switching the off button
and kissing her, it took a moment for her to respond. And when she
did respond it wasn't as enthusiastic as he had expected, but he
ignored it and went inside, she walked dazedly back to the living
room.

"You know what let's sit on the back porch." he said, she was still
lost in her own world. She hadn't seen him since the hospital and
when he kissed her she had compared it to when Spike kissed her. She
sat on the porch beside him and watched him dig around in her pocket. As he did he looked at her expectantly and she guessed he was waiting for her to say something. She said the only thing she could think of.

"Angel as pleasant a surprise as this is, I'm going out soon."

"Where?" he asked.

"Meeting a friend." she answered cryptically.

"What friend?" he urged, he knew what she was going to say but he
wanted to hear it anyway.

"Spike." she mumbled. His possessiveness was testing, she didn't like
having to tell him where she was going and who with. She was her own person after all. She could see his anger.

"Why?" it was said in a way that demanded an answer. As far as Angel
was concerned Buffy was his, so why meet with Spike.

"Because, does it really matter?" she sighed. She didn't have time
for his moods.

"Yes it does." he said.

"Fine, he's tutoring me."

He laughed, she couldn't believe he was laughing at her "You need a
tutor?" a fresh wave of laughter took him over.

Buffy stood up placing her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, I do. And the tutor is Spike, I have finals next week and I
want to do well. I don't want to disappoint people anymore."
Angel tried to look more sombre and supportive. "I'm sorry, I didn't
mean it."

"Yeah well whatever."

He held a hand towards her "Come sit with me." he gave her a sad look and pulled her down next to him, and went into his pocket, and Buffy didn't like what he took out. A joint. She felt very uncomfortable. He lit it up and took a drag. He did this a few more times before holding it in her direction. His face was a picture of astonishment when she shook her head in silent refusal.

"Come on Buff, you know you want to." he urged.

"No, thank you." she was trying hard not to give in. It was easy when
he wasn't around to give her the drugs but now that he was here it
wasn't so easy.

"You do. You need to loosen up." he was trying to persuade her. She
took it from him and put it to her lips. She wanted to smoke it, but
a voice inside her head stopped her. She pulled it away and looked at
it before throwing it on the ground and stomping it out.

"Hey, are you crazy?" Angel yelled.

"I didn't want it." she replied.

"I did," he bellowed, she had never seen him like this before and it
scared her a little "This isn't you Buffy. The real Buffy would have
been the first one to light it."

She shook her head fiercely, disagreeing "No, that wasn't me. This
is. I don't want that anymore Angel. If you can't accept that go back
to LA." she looked at her watch and ran for the door leaving him
standing in her backyard.

She ran to main street, all the way to the coffee house, she needed
to talk. And it had to be to Spike. She saw him at their booth as
soon as she got through the door and ran towards her.
Spike looked up when he saw her standing by the table, he knew
immediately that something was wrong. She looked upset and wondered if something had happened with her mom.

"You ok, pet" his concern was genuine as he helped her slip into the
seat across from him, her drink already on the table.

"I need to talk to you." she said breathlessly.

"Of course." She knew she could always talk to him, he would always
be there for her.

"Angel came down today-"

Spike jumped right in when he heard that, assuming the worst "What
did that ponce do now? Did he hurt you, did he-?" Buffy put a hand on his arm to shush him.

"No, but he did bring pot and I don't know hat else with him." she
expected him to say something so she waited. But he didn't he was
waiting for her to go on with the story, he was there to listen.

"Anyway," she went on "we were on the porch and he brought out a
joint. He handed it to me, I tried to resist but I took it from him.
He was being so persuasive. It was easy when he wasn't around but
when he was there giving it to me, it was hard."

Spike nodded in understanding "Buffy, It's okay if you have a
setback. It happens to everyone, but don't let him talk you into
something you don't want." his voice was even but soft.

"I didn't, I had it at my lips ready to smoke it and then I heard a
voice in my head that stopped me."

"Whose Voice?" he asked, she looked over and smiled a little at him.

"Yours," she admitted softly "you stopped me. I heard you speak to
me. Telling me that you would help me. Always be there for me, and
always care. And knowing that made me see that someone was there. I
didn't have to dull the pain because I had someone to speak to about
it." it was hard to confide all of this in him but she needed to do
it. She needed to know that he had helped her and that she
appreciated it and telling him that was the best way she knew how to
do it.

Spike place a hand over hers and looked into her eyes.

"I meant it, I will always be there. And I want you to know how proud
I am of how well you've done these last few weeks, not just where the
drugs are concerned. But school everything. You should be proud too.".he told her. He believed everything he said to be true, he truly was proud and he felt he and her mom and Buffy herself had a lot to feel proud of. She smiled by way of thanks and their eyes met. When they did their hearts began beating in their chests. They looked away,
breaking that connection. Buffy saw the clock on the far wall and was
surprised to see that their hour had passed. She had taken a lot of
time between the things that they were saying trying to find the
right words. Trying to sort out her feelings. Spike asked her what
she was looking at and she pointed in the direction of the clock.

Spike was equally surprised, their time was up and they hadn't done
any studying, but Buffy had to get home to go with her mom that day
so they had to go.

"Best be off then, luv." he stood up gathering their things.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Finals start on Monday." she was stressing she had been depending on that last session.

"Tell you what, I'll come over to your house tomorrow and we'll have the session then." he offered as the left the coffee house.

Buffy instinctively threw her arms around him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you so much." she chanted. She was grateful. She had been doing better but she needed the session for her confidence.

"No problem, Luv." it was a sincere offer, if she needed his help in
any way she would get it. They walked a little further up the street,
Buffy stopped turning to him, she kissed him on the cheek, "Thanks."
she whispered, and then their eyes met. The next thing she knew his
lips were on hers, and it felt so good. When they pulled apart she
looked at him gain, and she wanted him. More than she ever had. She
looked behind her and took his hand, dragging him up the alley near
the back of the coffee house. The same one from all those months ago. But this time he wouldn't stop her and she knew it. When she was sure they were out of view she kissed him again.

The kiss was passionate and their tongues duelled for dominance. Her
hands travelled up and down his back, while his buried themselves in
her hair. They were moaning into each others mouths, Their need for
each other all- consuming. Buffy brushed her hand down his chest,
over his stomach until she came to his groin. Rubbing the hard bulge
there. He moaned into the kiss again and Buffy couldn't take any
more. The moisture was pooling between her legs. Without a second
thought she lowered his zipper freeing him.

Spike had a fleeting thought about his girlfriend but he brushed it
aside. He was fully aware of what he was doing and he wasn't guilty.
He pulled her skirt up a bit and pulled her panties aside. He rubbed
along her slit a few times, making sure she was ready. He hoisted her
up a bit so that she could wrap her legs around his waist, and then
she sunk down on him. It was a feeling neither had thought they would feel again, and it brought tears to their eyes. He began to thrust
slowly, trying to savour it. She rose herself up and down on him as
much as she could from her position. After a few minutes when it was
becoming too much he spun them so that she was against the wall. He
began to speed up his thrust and Buffy continued to meet him with
every one. They were both so close. She looked at him, deep in the
eyes and she saw nothing but passion. She saw love and passion and
need. And she couldn't help what she said, she kissed him and
murmured.

"I love you." that was enough to bring them both to climax, sobbing
as they came. The feeling was real and something she couldn't deny.
Nor could he.

"I love you too." he whispered to her, before she slid down off of
him. They arranged their clothes and left the alley. They exchanged
one more kiss before parting ways, both smiling and blissfully happy.