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time to thank you all personally this time (just got back from a 4 hr play
rehearsal!), but every one of your reviews mean so much to me! They truly
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This isn't one of those "action packed" chapters, but one that still needed to be included. Kind of melodramatic, I guess! Oh well! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 5 A Dark Depression
The next morning dawned bright and clear. Sam lay in his bed as he watched the early morning light play across the wall of his bedroom. There was a crushing heaviness pressing down on his heart. Despite Gandalf's potion, Sam felt as if he had hardly slept at all that night. The harsh and painful words of Frodo and Lady Uzelle kept circling around in his aching head. Could Mr. Frodo really have meant those terrible things he'd said? He couldn't bear the thought of Mr. Frodo rejecting him on top of everyone else in Minas Tirith. He was the most important person in Sam's life. Sighing miserably as he wiped a few errant tears from his face, Sam rose slowly, gritting his teeth against the throbbing pain in his ribs. He sat on the edge of his bed, hunched over as the sharp pain took his breath away. "Sam!" Sam dimly heard a voice call his name. He looked up to find Frodo standing before him, glaring. "Samwise Gamgee! What on earth do you think you are doing!?" Frodo demanded in exasperation moving to help Sam lay back down. "You are ordered to remain in this bed! Aragorn said he will come check on you this morning and until he says otherwise, you are to stay put! Do you understand?"
Sam, his eyes closed as he waited for the throbbing pain to subside, gave a small nod. He was drenched in a cold sweat now and his breath came in short, painful gasps. Anything deeper was agonizing. When he opened his eyes again, he was startled to see Frodo staring at him with such anger in his face! The moment Frodo realized Sam was looking at him, his expression changed to one of utmost concern. "See, Samwise," thought Sam dismally, "You did hear right. He's not happy you're here." He turned his head and looked away, unable to bear the sight of Frodo's false sympathy any longer.
Frodo shook his head as he studied his friend. He loved Sam as deeply as a brother, but right now, he was so furious with him! What on earth was going on in that muddled head of his? Frodo had been terrified last night when Legolas and Gimli walked in with Sam soaking wet and looking half dead. Yet, Sam refused to explain his insane behavior! Frodo certainly did not buy that sleepwalking story. Something was very wrong with Samwise, yet he refused to explain himself. That Sam didn't seem to trust Frodo enough to ask for help was both infuriating and hurtful. Sam had protected and cared for him throughout the entire journey and Frodo would do anything in his power to help his friend. If only Sam would let him! Frodo sighed, suppressing his irritation and gently patted Sam's arm. "Now please lie still, Sam" he said beseechingly, "I will go and get you some breakfast." He then turned and quietly left the room.
Sam turned his head again and watched mournfully as Frodo disappeared through the doorway. His mind played out the scenes from the previous night and he felt his face burn as he thought about Legolas finding him standing in the rain like some dimwitted child and then having to rescue him to boot! What a fumble-footed fool they must think him! Just when he didn't think he couldn't possibly feel any worse! The entire Fellowship must have wondered what Gandalf was thinking when he asked Samwise Gamgee to accompany Frodo!
Later that morning, Aragorn came to see him. Sam spent a very uncomfortable twenty minutes as Aragorn gently examined his injured ribs,. "Well, Sam," Aragorn finally said as he began carefully rewrapping Sam's ribs. "I think you will live! You are very lucky that your lung wasn't punctured. These ribs will pain you for some time to come, but I think after a day or two of bed rest, you will be feeling much better!" He tied off the bandages, then sat back to study the forlorn looking gardener. Aragorn realized how little he had seen of Sam lately and was startled to see how thin he had become. Both Sam and Frodo had lost a good deal of weight on their grueling quest and whereas Frodo was beginning to lose his starved look, Aragorn worried that Sam looked thinner than ever.
"Is something bothering you, Sam?" Aragorn asked quietly. Gandalf told him last night what Legolas had said yet Aragorn was finding it hard to fathom. Gandalf also told him that it was probably best not to tell Frodo of Legolas' suspicions. Now, that they were alone, Aragorn was hoping the injured hobbit would open up to him.
Sam blinked in surprise. "N..no, Strider," he stuttered, "I'm fine! I don't know what happened last night. I...I think it was all just a bad dream."
Aragorn cocked his head to one side as he considered this. "What sort of bad dream?" he asked in concern.
Now you've done it, Samwise Gamgee! Sam moaned to himself. Could he possibly be any bigger a fool? Now he was going to have to concoct some sort of dream to explain his wanderings. Pretty soon, it would be impossible to keep all his stories straight! Why couldn't they just leave him alone!
"Um, I can't rightly remember," mumbled Sam uncomfortably. "Something about Mordor, I'm certain!"
Aragorn nodded thoughtfully. "I would not be surprised, Sam. When a person endures the kinds of horrifying experiences that befell you and Frodo, it is not uncommon to visit them again in sleep. I will ask the healers to prepare a sleeping potion that will help guard against such nightmares. Hopefully, you will then get the sleep it is so obvious you need!" He sat silently for a few moments. "Do you recall anything about what happened on the cliff?"
Sam closed his eyes, not wanting Aragorn to see the anguish that lay there. He remembered very clearly standing on the sharp edge, contemplating a quick end to his misery. What would Aragorn think of him then? Suicide was abhorrent to Hobbits and Sam was sure Aragorn would feel likewise. It was an indication of how deep Sam's pain went that the thought of doing away with himself had even crept his mind. He really had slipped accidentally....hadn't he? Sam knew he must answer Aragorn's question, but his secret shame would remain his alone. "I...I don't remember much," he began awkwardly. "Not until I , um, slipped and landed on that rock. That sort of woke me up and the next thing I knew, Mr. Legolas had hold of me, pulling up to the top. As I told Mr. Frodo, I think I must have been walking in my sleep!"
Aragorn looked at him doubtfully, but decided not to press the matter. They would all keep an eye on him over the next few days. He patted Sam's shoulder comfortingly and smiled. "Well, get some rest, Sam" he said quietly. "I do not want you to stir from this bed for the next two days. Do you understand? Then, we will see. I will also make sure someone stays with you at night. No more midnight strolls for you!"
Sam gave him a weak grin and watched in relief as Aragorn strode from the room. He felt humiliated that they felt he needed a guard or rather a babysitter! "Well, it is your own fault, Samwise!" he growled to himself irritably. "With the way you behaved last night, you're lucky they don't lock you up! You are such a fool!"
The next few days passed slowly for Sam. He lay in his bed, bored and in pain. His depression lay on him as a heavy, suffocating blanket. However, he did not want to alarm anyone, so did his best to pretend that all was well and that his strange behavior was not likely to be repeated. He spoke freely with Frodo, Merry and Pippin, acting as if he was as puzzled as they by his sleepwalking. Legolas and Gimli also came by to see him as did Gandalf and Aragorn. Even Faramir stopped by.
"Thank you," Sam said to Legolas, his face flushed with embarrassment, "For saving my life. I don't exactly remember what happened that night, but I know I wouldn't be here if not for you and Mr. Gimli."
Legolas smiled gently at Sam, clasping him on the shoulder, "It was the least we could do for one of the bravest heroes of Middle Earth! None of us would be here now, if not for you and Frodo!" For some reason, that made Sam feel even worse.
Finally, Aragorn and the healers allowed Sam to get up. His ribs were still painful, but moving made him feel better overall. He had been desperate to get out of bed. He walked over the window of his room and gazed disconsolately out onto the courtyard. Really, what he wanted was some time to himself. He was so tired of having to pretend. He just wanted everyone to go away and leave him in peace!
Early the next morning, while those around him slept, Sam quietly slipped out of his room and walked into the city hoping to find some solitude. The streets were almost deserted as the city's inhabitants were just beginning to stir and he wandered aimlessly through one tier after another. The wanton destruction of the beautiful white city seemed to drive Sam even deeper into his growing despondency. He felt as if all the joy had fled from the world. By the time Sam reached the lowest level, he was physically and emotionally exhausted. Mindlessly, he drifted down a deserted alleyway. At the end, he discovered a gate hanging brokenly on its hinges leaving a space too small for a man, but large enough for a Hobbit to slip through. Much to his delight, Sam found it led into a small enclosed garden, unkempt and overgrown, but a garden nonetheless.
Sam cautiously picked his way through the high grass and shrubs. There were several small trees and a ruined gazebo in the center. Sam idly wandered over towards the gazebo and studied it. Part of the roof had collapsed, but the floor was intact, as was part of the seat that ran around the circumference of the structure. Sam slowly climbed the steps and sat wearily on the seat. He doubted anyone would find him here. The warm sun now high overhead made him feel very sleepy. He had secretly stopped taking the healers' sleeping potion, hating the way it made him feel, but then sleep at night was fitful at best. He removed his cloak and bunching it up, made himself a pillow. Then, stretching out on the warm wood, he closed his eyes and fell into a troubled sleep.
Thinking back later, Sam realized that it was during this nap the nightmares first began. As he lay sleeping in the forgotten garden, his dreams were not full of flowers and sunlight, but of darkness, orcs and monstrous spiders. He found himself again in Cirith Ungol searching for his lost master, only this time, Frodo was no where to be found. In his dreams, the stairs went up and up and never ended. He could hear Frodo screaming in pain, crying out for Sam to help him, but Sam could not find him. Suddenly, he found his master standing on the edge of Orodruin, a crazed light in his wild eyes. "Get away from me!" Frodo cried harshly, "I don't want you here! It is you I should cast into the fires, not the Ring! I shall never be free as long as you are alive to plague me! Why didn't you die!?" With a cry of anguish, Sam abruptly awoke bathed in a cold sweat. He was panting and confused. It took him a moment to realize where he was. He swung his feet around and sat up, clutching at his throbbing ribs. Shaking, he leaned back against the gazebo wall and closed his eyes. Then, slowly, first one tear then another seeped from beneath the lids and made their forlorn way down Sam's face.
How long he sat in the garden, he could not say. The sun made its way across the sky until the dark shadows of evening gradually enfolded the garden in their cold embrace. Sam had never felt so low in his entire life. He wondered what he was even doing here in Minas Tirith. Obviously, he wasn't wanted. He had accomplished his part of the quest and now it seemed his usefulness was at an end. There were plenty of people to look after Mr. Frodo now. He sighed heavily thinking it was time to return to his chamber. He had missed breakfast and lunch, yet had no appetite for supper. He slowly rose to his feet, slipped out through the broken gate and trudged back to the upper tiers of the city alone.
This isn't one of those "action packed" chapters, but one that still needed to be included. Kind of melodramatic, I guess! Oh well! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 5 A Dark Depression
The next morning dawned bright and clear. Sam lay in his bed as he watched the early morning light play across the wall of his bedroom. There was a crushing heaviness pressing down on his heart. Despite Gandalf's potion, Sam felt as if he had hardly slept at all that night. The harsh and painful words of Frodo and Lady Uzelle kept circling around in his aching head. Could Mr. Frodo really have meant those terrible things he'd said? He couldn't bear the thought of Mr. Frodo rejecting him on top of everyone else in Minas Tirith. He was the most important person in Sam's life. Sighing miserably as he wiped a few errant tears from his face, Sam rose slowly, gritting his teeth against the throbbing pain in his ribs. He sat on the edge of his bed, hunched over as the sharp pain took his breath away. "Sam!" Sam dimly heard a voice call his name. He looked up to find Frodo standing before him, glaring. "Samwise Gamgee! What on earth do you think you are doing!?" Frodo demanded in exasperation moving to help Sam lay back down. "You are ordered to remain in this bed! Aragorn said he will come check on you this morning and until he says otherwise, you are to stay put! Do you understand?"
Sam, his eyes closed as he waited for the throbbing pain to subside, gave a small nod. He was drenched in a cold sweat now and his breath came in short, painful gasps. Anything deeper was agonizing. When he opened his eyes again, he was startled to see Frodo staring at him with such anger in his face! The moment Frodo realized Sam was looking at him, his expression changed to one of utmost concern. "See, Samwise," thought Sam dismally, "You did hear right. He's not happy you're here." He turned his head and looked away, unable to bear the sight of Frodo's false sympathy any longer.
Frodo shook his head as he studied his friend. He loved Sam as deeply as a brother, but right now, he was so furious with him! What on earth was going on in that muddled head of his? Frodo had been terrified last night when Legolas and Gimli walked in with Sam soaking wet and looking half dead. Yet, Sam refused to explain his insane behavior! Frodo certainly did not buy that sleepwalking story. Something was very wrong with Samwise, yet he refused to explain himself. That Sam didn't seem to trust Frodo enough to ask for help was both infuriating and hurtful. Sam had protected and cared for him throughout the entire journey and Frodo would do anything in his power to help his friend. If only Sam would let him! Frodo sighed, suppressing his irritation and gently patted Sam's arm. "Now please lie still, Sam" he said beseechingly, "I will go and get you some breakfast." He then turned and quietly left the room.
Sam turned his head again and watched mournfully as Frodo disappeared through the doorway. His mind played out the scenes from the previous night and he felt his face burn as he thought about Legolas finding him standing in the rain like some dimwitted child and then having to rescue him to boot! What a fumble-footed fool they must think him! Just when he didn't think he couldn't possibly feel any worse! The entire Fellowship must have wondered what Gandalf was thinking when he asked Samwise Gamgee to accompany Frodo!
Later that morning, Aragorn came to see him. Sam spent a very uncomfortable twenty minutes as Aragorn gently examined his injured ribs,. "Well, Sam," Aragorn finally said as he began carefully rewrapping Sam's ribs. "I think you will live! You are very lucky that your lung wasn't punctured. These ribs will pain you for some time to come, but I think after a day or two of bed rest, you will be feeling much better!" He tied off the bandages, then sat back to study the forlorn looking gardener. Aragorn realized how little he had seen of Sam lately and was startled to see how thin he had become. Both Sam and Frodo had lost a good deal of weight on their grueling quest and whereas Frodo was beginning to lose his starved look, Aragorn worried that Sam looked thinner than ever.
"Is something bothering you, Sam?" Aragorn asked quietly. Gandalf told him last night what Legolas had said yet Aragorn was finding it hard to fathom. Gandalf also told him that it was probably best not to tell Frodo of Legolas' suspicions. Now, that they were alone, Aragorn was hoping the injured hobbit would open up to him.
Sam blinked in surprise. "N..no, Strider," he stuttered, "I'm fine! I don't know what happened last night. I...I think it was all just a bad dream."
Aragorn cocked his head to one side as he considered this. "What sort of bad dream?" he asked in concern.
Now you've done it, Samwise Gamgee! Sam moaned to himself. Could he possibly be any bigger a fool? Now he was going to have to concoct some sort of dream to explain his wanderings. Pretty soon, it would be impossible to keep all his stories straight! Why couldn't they just leave him alone!
"Um, I can't rightly remember," mumbled Sam uncomfortably. "Something about Mordor, I'm certain!"
Aragorn nodded thoughtfully. "I would not be surprised, Sam. When a person endures the kinds of horrifying experiences that befell you and Frodo, it is not uncommon to visit them again in sleep. I will ask the healers to prepare a sleeping potion that will help guard against such nightmares. Hopefully, you will then get the sleep it is so obvious you need!" He sat silently for a few moments. "Do you recall anything about what happened on the cliff?"
Sam closed his eyes, not wanting Aragorn to see the anguish that lay there. He remembered very clearly standing on the sharp edge, contemplating a quick end to his misery. What would Aragorn think of him then? Suicide was abhorrent to Hobbits and Sam was sure Aragorn would feel likewise. It was an indication of how deep Sam's pain went that the thought of doing away with himself had even crept his mind. He really had slipped accidentally....hadn't he? Sam knew he must answer Aragorn's question, but his secret shame would remain his alone. "I...I don't remember much," he began awkwardly. "Not until I , um, slipped and landed on that rock. That sort of woke me up and the next thing I knew, Mr. Legolas had hold of me, pulling up to the top. As I told Mr. Frodo, I think I must have been walking in my sleep!"
Aragorn looked at him doubtfully, but decided not to press the matter. They would all keep an eye on him over the next few days. He patted Sam's shoulder comfortingly and smiled. "Well, get some rest, Sam" he said quietly. "I do not want you to stir from this bed for the next two days. Do you understand? Then, we will see. I will also make sure someone stays with you at night. No more midnight strolls for you!"
Sam gave him a weak grin and watched in relief as Aragorn strode from the room. He felt humiliated that they felt he needed a guard or rather a babysitter! "Well, it is your own fault, Samwise!" he growled to himself irritably. "With the way you behaved last night, you're lucky they don't lock you up! You are such a fool!"
The next few days passed slowly for Sam. He lay in his bed, bored and in pain. His depression lay on him as a heavy, suffocating blanket. However, he did not want to alarm anyone, so did his best to pretend that all was well and that his strange behavior was not likely to be repeated. He spoke freely with Frodo, Merry and Pippin, acting as if he was as puzzled as they by his sleepwalking. Legolas and Gimli also came by to see him as did Gandalf and Aragorn. Even Faramir stopped by.
"Thank you," Sam said to Legolas, his face flushed with embarrassment, "For saving my life. I don't exactly remember what happened that night, but I know I wouldn't be here if not for you and Mr. Gimli."
Legolas smiled gently at Sam, clasping him on the shoulder, "It was the least we could do for one of the bravest heroes of Middle Earth! None of us would be here now, if not for you and Frodo!" For some reason, that made Sam feel even worse.
Finally, Aragorn and the healers allowed Sam to get up. His ribs were still painful, but moving made him feel better overall. He had been desperate to get out of bed. He walked over the window of his room and gazed disconsolately out onto the courtyard. Really, what he wanted was some time to himself. He was so tired of having to pretend. He just wanted everyone to go away and leave him in peace!
Early the next morning, while those around him slept, Sam quietly slipped out of his room and walked into the city hoping to find some solitude. The streets were almost deserted as the city's inhabitants were just beginning to stir and he wandered aimlessly through one tier after another. The wanton destruction of the beautiful white city seemed to drive Sam even deeper into his growing despondency. He felt as if all the joy had fled from the world. By the time Sam reached the lowest level, he was physically and emotionally exhausted. Mindlessly, he drifted down a deserted alleyway. At the end, he discovered a gate hanging brokenly on its hinges leaving a space too small for a man, but large enough for a Hobbit to slip through. Much to his delight, Sam found it led into a small enclosed garden, unkempt and overgrown, but a garden nonetheless.
Sam cautiously picked his way through the high grass and shrubs. There were several small trees and a ruined gazebo in the center. Sam idly wandered over towards the gazebo and studied it. Part of the roof had collapsed, but the floor was intact, as was part of the seat that ran around the circumference of the structure. Sam slowly climbed the steps and sat wearily on the seat. He doubted anyone would find him here. The warm sun now high overhead made him feel very sleepy. He had secretly stopped taking the healers' sleeping potion, hating the way it made him feel, but then sleep at night was fitful at best. He removed his cloak and bunching it up, made himself a pillow. Then, stretching out on the warm wood, he closed his eyes and fell into a troubled sleep.
Thinking back later, Sam realized that it was during this nap the nightmares first began. As he lay sleeping in the forgotten garden, his dreams were not full of flowers and sunlight, but of darkness, orcs and monstrous spiders. He found himself again in Cirith Ungol searching for his lost master, only this time, Frodo was no where to be found. In his dreams, the stairs went up and up and never ended. He could hear Frodo screaming in pain, crying out for Sam to help him, but Sam could not find him. Suddenly, he found his master standing on the edge of Orodruin, a crazed light in his wild eyes. "Get away from me!" Frodo cried harshly, "I don't want you here! It is you I should cast into the fires, not the Ring! I shall never be free as long as you are alive to plague me! Why didn't you die!?" With a cry of anguish, Sam abruptly awoke bathed in a cold sweat. He was panting and confused. It took him a moment to realize where he was. He swung his feet around and sat up, clutching at his throbbing ribs. Shaking, he leaned back against the gazebo wall and closed his eyes. Then, slowly, first one tear then another seeped from beneath the lids and made their forlorn way down Sam's face.
How long he sat in the garden, he could not say. The sun made its way across the sky until the dark shadows of evening gradually enfolded the garden in their cold embrace. Sam had never felt so low in his entire life. He wondered what he was even doing here in Minas Tirith. Obviously, he wasn't wanted. He had accomplished his part of the quest and now it seemed his usefulness was at an end. There were plenty of people to look after Mr. Frodo now. He sighed heavily thinking it was time to return to his chamber. He had missed breakfast and lunch, yet had no appetite for supper. He slowly rose to his feet, slipped out through the broken gate and trudged back to the upper tiers of the city alone.