Seeing one of his Turks engaged in flipping elastic bands across the room and another writing up reports while patiently allowing his bald head to be used as the target for the aforementioned elastic bands, Tseng thought it best to announce his presence and hope that matters rectified themselves.
He stopped in the doorway and cleared his throat elegantly.
Reno looked up and smiled cheerily. Rude looked up, and narrowly missed an elastic band to the eye. Satisfied that the band-flipping had ceased, at least for now, and that he could pretend that Reno was a highly disciplined, extremely professional killing machine, Tseng entered the office.
" What's up boss? " Reno asked. Rude looked questioning, which for him was about the same as him opening his mouth and asking.
Waving the memo slightly in his hand, Tseng frowned a little at Reno.
" Professor Hojo has asked me to put a stop to the affair between you and the Head of Weapons Development. At least, I think he means you… " Tseng paused and re-read the memo, then nodded his head. " Yes, here we are… ` the scrawny red-head.` I can only imagine that refers to you, seeing as Rude is neither scrawny nor red-headed. "
" Makes sense, " Reno agreed reasonably.
Tseng nodded again.
" Yes, so… " Tseng paused and gestured vaguely. " Stop having an affair with her. " He hesitated and looked momentarily unsure. " Hojo is talking about Scarlet isn't he? Not Heidegger? "
" I would imagine the Professor does mean Scarlet and not Heidegger, " Rude rumbled helpfully.
Tseng nodded to himself.
" Good. So then. Stop the affair Reno. "
" Consider it done, " Reno said cheerfully.
" Excellent, excellent. "
Tseng left the office, immensely pleased that everything had worked out so tidily.
Ignoring the elastic band that scored a neat bulls-eye on his head, Rude frowned at his partner.
" You were having an affair with Scarlet? " he asked finally.
" Nope. "
Rude considered this a long moment.
" Fair enough, " he muttered, going back to the paperwork and the shower of elastic bands.
***
" Would you sign for this please? It's for the General. "
Zack took the pen from the courier and scribbled his initials. Receiving the largish brown envelope, he sent the courier away.
He felt the rectangular shape inside and frowned a little. Taking a deep breath, he tore the envelope open and pulled out the video cassette. Another deep breath. Then Zack slid it into the player and switched the T.V. on. Pressing play, Zack stood back and waited for the inevitable.
Sure enough, the screen was filled with an impossibly well-endowed woman frantically fumbling with a large, tanned man. The sounds of panting, heaving and ecstatic moaning filled the room. Zack cocked his head on one side, trying to make out what precisely was going on between the couple. The flailing arms and legs made it rather ambiguous but he assumed he got the general implication.
Hearing Sephiroth step out of the shower, he turned it off.
" Hojo's sent another one, " he called out.
***
Sephiroth paced back and forth in the Professor's office.
Gods, give him the sniper infested jungles of Wutai any day of the week.As the professor entered the room, Sephiroth gave him a double-barrelled withering glare.
" Good afternoon General. How are you today? "
Taking the angry grunt as something positive, Hojo nodded and sat down.
" Glad to hear it General. Now, how are things progressing? "
" `Things` are progressing as well as I expected. "
" So has intercourse taken place yet? "
" Father, honestly, will you let me handle it? "
" Have you encountered difficulties? Please General, discuss them. Together we can find a way around them. " Hojo was as friendly and helpful now as Sephiroth had ever seen him. " Has Scarlet not responded to your overtures? I have done some research and come across some techniques that perhaps you could employ… " Hojo began rifling through drawers, producing papers that looked suspiciously like they had been torn from girlie magazines.
Studiously trying not to wonder where his father had come across them, Sephiroth pushed the papers away.
" Please… just… just put them away Father. I don't need magazines, and while we're on the subject, could you please stop sending me porn videos? "
" It is vital to examine all possible approaches at the beginning of an investigation, " Hojo said sternly. " Why, even though Dr. Gast and I disagreed in fundamentals I often found that his work shed light on my own study. "
" Yes, whatever. Just stop sending me porn, it's off-putting, " Sephiroth grumbled.
Hojo's eyes narrowed to slits suddenly as he paused in thought.
" You are functioning as you should, aren't you General? "
The cold hand of fear tightened in a death-grip around Sephiroth's heart.
" Of course I am, " he answered as smoothly as he could, feeling his hands instinctively go into a protective position over his crotch.
Hojo still looked speculative.
" Perhaps it would be wise to have you examined before intercourse takes place. For the records. I'll call in the nurses. "
Reaching out for the intercom, Hojo discovered an interesting sensation in his hand. It really felt quite numb. Bloodless even. Almost like someone was holding on to it like their very life depended on it. Closer inspection yielded up a long-fingered white hand around his wrist. Finally came the discovery that the General was attached to the aforementioned long-fingered white hand.
Confused by the turn of events, Hojo tried to shake the General off. Sephiroth hung on.
" General? " Hojo asked, his tone a warning and query at the same time.
Reaching for the intercom again, he found he was being forcibly restrained. There then followed some quite undignified scrabbling as Sephiroth and Hojo battled for Hojo's hand and the intercom. Strained as father-son relations were at that point, Sephiroth controlled himself enough to keep himself from snapping Hojo in two.
Finally realising that if the struggle went on he would be forced to put a few right-angles in Hojo's spine, Sephiroth snatched up the intercom and threw it against the wall.
" General! "
There was a tentative knock on the door and a lab assistant popped a head around the door.
" Everything okay sir? " she asked warily, seeing the General and the scientist eyeing each other and the intercom in pieces on the floor. Not turning to her, Hojo nodded and flicked a hand in a dismissive gesture. She retreated silently.
" I am fine, " Sephiroth said calmly. " My genitals are fine. My progress with Scarlet is fine. "
Still somewhat confused by the fight over the intercom, Hojo frowned.
" I don't understand, General, why you are being so squeamish. "
Seeing the pain that lack of comprehension was causing Hojo, Sephiroth relented and sat down in his chair, gesturing for his father to do the same.
" Look Father, man to man, it's… awkward. I mean how would you have liked it if someone had been stood around trying to take notes about you and Mother? "
" Who said there were notes taken? Where did you hear that? What notes are these and who's holding them? " Hojo demanded.
The sanity in the conversation was slipping away again, Sephiroth realised. He took a deep breath.
" No Father. I said `if.` "
Hojo still looked upset.
" I should be in possession of the sole set of notes, " he muttered peevishly.
" Well, whatever… did it for you, " Sephiroth agreed dubiously. " Anyway, all I'm saying is that I think it would be best if you just stood back and let nature take its course on this one. "
From the look on Hojo's face, Sephiroth felt compelled to clarify what he meant by `nature.`
" You know, nature. What happens if you don't interfere, or… do experiments. You know, nature. "
There was a long silence before finally Hojo nodded.
" Very well, I shall give you some latitude General, but I shall expect results. If you can give me none then I shall be forced to get involved. "
Deciding that it was best for his mental health if he didn't ask what his father meant by `involving` himself, Sephiroth smiled.
" Thank you Father. I'll be off now then. "
Hojo had done studies regarding his son before. Sephiroth generally hadn't been bothered by them. Sometimes they were even quite enjoyable. When Sephiroth was eight, Hojo's investigation `Study No. 3472E: Domesticated Animals – Subject: Sephiroth` had been fun and exciting, as it involved Sephiroth receiving Bloosie the dog. Admittedly that had been followed six months later with `Study No. 3476E: Domesticated Animals and Childhood Trauma – Subject: Sephiroth` and the removal of Bloosie. But on the whole the studies had been little more than a bit of a nuisance at worst and an interesting diversion at best. Particularly `Study No. 5297Y: Effects of Alcohol – Subject: Sephiroth` where Hojo had tested Sephiroth for his reactions to alcoholic beverages. Being the fastidious man of science that he was, there had been several sub-sections to that study, one for each different drink with which Hojo had plied his son. Of course that study always brought to mind the hangover of epic proportions that Sephiroth had suffered from soon after its conclusion.
On the whole though, the studies and investigations weren't that bad. But one thing Sephiroth had learnt was that once his father started an experiment nothing short of the Return of the Ancients would make him stop it, and even then it would only be a pause while he sat them down and took samples from them.
" I hoped I might run into you, " a voice at his elbow purred as he left the lab.
Resisting the urge to dodge back into the lab and initiate lock-down procedures, Sephiroth smiled hesitantly at Scarlet.
" Uh? " he said intelligently.
Scarlet was encouraged by the fact that he hadn't attempted any of his usual evasionary tactics, such as feigning sudden blindness or dropping to a crouch and trying to crawl away commando-style.
" Hang right there handsome, " she murmured in a sultry voice, pointing one painted-nail finger at him, " I've got just a little business with the Professor, and then what say you and I grab a little lunch in my office? "
With a wild shriek, Sephiroth grabbed the handle of the door to the lab.
" What are you doing?! " he demanded.
He felt someone in the lab try to open the door but he held it firm.
" Sephi… it won't take long…. I just had a memo from him, " Scarlet stuttered, eyeing him warily.
" General, open the door. "
Sephiroth could hear his father's voice the other side of the door. Fate was against him it seemed. Master tactician that he was, Sephiroth could see only one option.
" Er… Scarlet… I meant, well, what are you doing for dinner tonight? "
The pressure on the handle on the other side of the door suddenly abated.
In the distant sound of scribbling on a notepad behind him and the victorious flare in Scarlet's eyes, Sephiroth felt a little part of his soul curl up and die.
" Just like to play hard to get hm? " Scarlet teased, toying with the lapel of Sephiroth's trench coat. " Doesn't put me off you know, angel. The thrill of the chase makes it more exciting. "
" Should I run some more? " Sephiroth asked hopefully.
Scarlet threw her head back and laughed in Sephiroth's face. He stared in horror and sick intrigue at her tonsils that he could clearly see wagging at the back of her throat.
" No you don't, " she murmured, moving in closer. " I've got you now. "
Sephiroth smiled and waved half-heartedly at Rude the Turk who was passing by and obviously trying very hard not to notice that the famous General's neck was being nuzzled by the Head of Weapons Development.
Finally releasing him, Scarlet looked up at him. Her blue eyes were shining and her face was slightly flushed. She was, Sephiroth considered, really quite attractive. Unfortunately this was completely negated by her compulsion to bed every male Shinra had to offer, not to mention her complete ignorance of the concept of personal space.
" So darling, what time should I come round? "
" Uh, how about… "
" Ten it is. Now, come to my office and have a quick nibble with me. " She blushed and put a hand to her lips coyly. " I mean lunch of course! "
" I should be going… " Sephiroth began.
With a heavy sigh, Scarlet brandished a slip of paper.
" And I should be seeing Professor Hojo. "
" Or we could go to lunch, " Sephiroth said quickly, taking hold of her arm and leading her rapidly away from the lab. She latched onto him without protest.
" Hungry beast aren't you? " she said huskily.
" Absolutely. Lets keep moving. "
While successfully keeping Scarlet from coming into contact with Hojo and Gods-knew-what being said, Sephiroth now had the problem of what to do with Scarlet. He was well aware that nothing short of Masamune's intervention would keep Scarlet from stripping him if he put so much as one foot into her office. Yet if he rejected her openly here, it would inevitably get back to Hojo.
Then he saw his saviour.
Zack was leant over the desk, unsuccessfully attempting to chat up a harassed and over-worked secretary, who was rather successfully attempting to pretend he wasn't there.
" Zack! You need me for something? " Sephiroth called out, moving as fast as he could without running over to the SOLDIER's side.
It took Zack a moment to grasp the situation. He looked at his General and the blonde hanging limpet-fashion from his arm and seemed to draw a blank. Indeed Sephiroth was sure he was about to say `no` when his brain finally kicked in.
" Er… yes, that's right sir. You're needed urgently. Away from here. "
" Back at barracks then, " Sephiroth supplied, trying to paper over Zack's rather messy excuse.
" That's right. "
Zack fell silent and seemed content with his performance.
" Why? " Sephiroth was finally forced to ask, furtively crossing his fingers that his friend would be able to come up with something.
" Because… " Zack mentally sorted through excuses he had used for escaping guard duty and unwelcome Sunday dinners with former girlfriends' families. None were at all appropriate. Then he felt a flash of inspiration. " Because some materia has gone missing, sir! " he reported triumphantly.
Sephiroth heaved a sigh of relief.
" Which one? " Scarlet asked, apparently remembering her role as a Shinra executive.
" Yes, which one SOLDIER? " Sephiroth asked in his best General's voice.
There was a painful pause as Zack forgot the names of every single useful materia he had ever known. He was left with only one.
" The Chocobo Lure, General. "
" Good Gods man, why didn't you say sooner?! " Sephiroth bellowed, causing the nearby secretary to jump out of her skin. Sephiroth turned to Scarlet and dropped a kiss on her cheek. " Forgive me dear lady, but I fear our lunch must wait. I look forward to seeing you tonight at ten. "
Sephiroth started to hurry down the corridor with Zack. Once safely out of earshot, he turned to Zack in disbelief.
" The Chocobo Lure? That's the best you could come up with. The Mako sure bypassed your brain. "
" Excuse me for not coming prepared with an excuse to free up my General from the corporate nymphomaniac. That's not the kind of thing they teach in SOLDIER. "
" It was a prime example of hostage negotiation, you fool! "
Zack looked deeply insulted.
" Last I heard hostages don't make dinner plans with their captors. `See you tonight at ten`? "
" I don't want to talk about it, " Sephiroth said darkly.
The SOLDIER sniggered.
" Not so clever now are we, Mr-General-Sir? " Zack crowed.
" For that, SOLDIER, I am giving you the responsibility of phoning Scarlet and telling her why tonight is off. "
Zack opened his mouth to protest but Sephiroth smiled smugly and held up a restraining hand.
" That's an order from your General, SOLDIER. "
***
The sound of a gentle knocking on his door jolted Sephiroth awake. He lifted his head off the pillow and listened, hoping that perhaps he'd dreamt it, or whoever it was had given up and gone away. He'd had a most surprising evening and was still wallowing in a feeling of self-satisfied contentment, which he did not want to be interrupted.
No luck. There was the knocking again, slightly louder this time. There was a soft whimper from beside him. He ruffled the blonde hair reassuringly.
" Shh, go back to sleep, " he whispered.
His lips twitched into a smile. He slid gracefully from the bed. He tugged on a pair of boxer shorts and turned on the dim bedside lamp. Padding over to the door, he ran a hand through his long silver hair to tidy it a little.
He opened the door and froze.
Closed his eyes and hoped that when he opened them again it would be different.
It was not.
Professor Hojo was stood on his doorstep, bearing a clipboard and a big shoulder bag.
" Yes Professor? " Sephiroth managed in a strangled voice.
" I'm here to arrange the video cameras. I came now as I believed I would not interfere with your dinner plans but it seems I was incorrect in my assumption. "
Hojo eyed Sephiroth's state of undress with an appraising gaze. Sephiroth was still processing the mention of video cameras when he realised Hojo was waiting for an answer.
" Well, yes, there was…uh… a change of plans. "
" So I see, " Hojo muttered, standing on tiptoes to peer over his son's shoulder into the dimly lit room. Sephiroth pulled the door nearer shut but not before Hojo had seen the golden head in the bed, heard it moan and watched it disappear under the covers.
" You should have let me know that there had been alterations. It is a pity to have lost half of the data, but I must congratulate you on a promptly completed study, " Hojo said with a measure of satisfaction in his quiet voice. " Report to me tomorrow. "
" Indeed I will, " Sephiroth answered, relieved to have got away so lightly.
Hojo had been about to leave but he turned back and held out a small sheaf of papers.
" Before I forget, please ask Scarlet to fill this out and return it to me. It will be valuable data. "
" What is it? " Sephiroth asked suspiciously, scanning the title. His eyes widened in horror. " This is an evaluation form! You want her to evaluate my performance! "
Hojo shrugged.
" It is in the interests of a complete investigation. We must collect all available necessary information. Is this a problem? Do you believe there were inadequacies in your performance? If so, would you kindly list them here? " Hojo requested, holding out another sheaf of papers.
Happy thoughts Sephiroth. Just think happy thoughts.
" I'll see you in the morning Professor, " Sephiroth said dully and shut the door in his face.
He paused a moment while he ripped up the various sheets of paper and deposited them in the waste-paper basket. Then he went back to bed. Or at least tried to. He was halfway under the blankets when the knocking at the door started up again. He wondered, as he went over to open it, if it was a psychological or biological malfunction that caused him to entertain so many visions of his father's slow, painful death.
" Was that Hojo I just saw here? " Zack asked at his brushed past Sephiroth into the darkened room.
Seemingly without thought, he flicked on the main light and turned on the television.
" It's a bit early to have turned in, isn't it buddy boy? " Zack commented, setting his Buster to one side and settling down to watch whatever trash he could find on the television. Sephiroth stared in mute disbelief. The blankets on the bed wriggled awkwardly. Zack's head shot round, his hand automatically going to his sword.
" I'm so glad SOLDIER training wasn't wasted on you, " Sephiroth remarked acidly.
" There's someone in your bed! " Zack whispered, approaching it stealthily.
" Hell! There isn't, is there? " Sephiroth shot back sarcastically. He stepped forward and removed Zack's blade as he made to prod the figure with it. " For heaven's sake Zack, don't scare the kid. "
The blond head re-emerged cautiously, one golden spike at a time.
" Oh, hey Cloud! What are you doing in…Ooooh, " Zack broke off stupidly, realisation dawning on him.
" Hello Zack, er… fancy seeing you here, " Cloud mumbled, nearly incoherently.
" Yeah, uh, likewise, " Zack answered, scratching his head and studiously looking the other way.
He stepped closer to Sephiroth.
" You shouldn't have let me come in, " he hissed. " I thought you'd be on your own. "
" I could hardly tackle you to the ground in my boxer shorts Zack. Gods only know what you'd have accused me of. As for being on my own, I was. Then I found him. Anyway, what did you tell Scarlet? "
" I said we still needed you to look for the Chocobo Lure. "
Sephiroth sighed and shook his head.
" The questions I'm going to have to answer about that. "
***
Reeve nodded an acknowledgement to the small Shinra unit patrolling this floor and continued down the deserted corridor. He passed by a small cluster of offices and paused. One of the doors was open and a soft light spilled into the darkened hallway. Reeve tapped lightly on the door and poked his head in.
Rude was apparently appending his signature to various forms. He moved methodically and quickly, paper after paper. He looked up as Reeve entered and nodded once.
" Hello Rude, you're working late, " Reeve tried hesitantly.
The Turks, he found, were similar to a very nasty-tempered Alsatian that, if approached respectfully, had a tendency to roll over and allow its tummy to be tickled. Over the past years Reeve and Rude had developed a tentative comradeship, founded perhaps in the fact that both of them had to work with people who tended to take a lot of energy. They were by no means friends, but they could at least exchange a few occasional sob stories and pieces of gossip.
Reeve sat himself down and Rude went back to the paperwork.
" Today, President Shinra came up with a new security measure for the offices on the sixty-third floor, " Rude began conversationally. " He's putting in a lot more doors. Apparently, there will be a computer terminal to access. Once you've accessed the terminal, you can open three doors. After the third door, you have to go back and access the terminal again. That's supposing you can, get back that is. I can only imagine the number of secretaries we're going to lose in there. "
Rude finally looked back up from the papers.
" Sounds dumb. "
" It is, " Reeve agreed.
Rude nodded slowly.
" Today, I heard General Sephiroth ask Scarlet round to his for dinner. "
Reeve pulled an astonished face.
" So he's finally given in? I'm impressed he held out this long. Scarlet normally wears them down in a matter of weeks. He must have held out some years. "
" How long d'you hold out for? " The Turk asked after a pause.
Reeve shrugged.
" She never asked. "
Another pause.
" Me neither, " Rude agreed. " She made a play for Tseng though, so it maybe it's guys with power she goes for. "
" Which neither of us have, " Reeve responded. " How long 'til she got Tseng? "
Rude's mouth became a tight line and Reeve instantly knew he'd crossed a line. He held up his hands apologetically.
" Wipe that. Still, Sephiroth and Scarlet huh? "
Rude nodded.
" What's more, I think he's got competition. "
" Really? Who else is there? "
" Hojo. He warned Reno off her this morning. "
Reeve nodded, savouring this particularly juicy bit of gossip.
" Wow, do you think Scarlet would go for Hojo? "
The Turk frowned.
" Stranger things have happened, " he said dubiously. " I think, " he added.
" So, should someone warn the General that the professor is interested in Scarlet? " Reeve asked before he thought.
" That's why I told you. You're an executive. You've the appropriate rank. "
" Oh. Right. "
" Fancy a drink? " Rude asked, pushing the papers to one side.
" Think I might need one. "