While it may be true that no one, except perhaps the General himself, rivals a Turk when it comes to sheer bloodthirsty brutality, it should not be assumed that they are without feelings. Indeed Tseng was feeling particularly delicate this afternoon. He had been suffering from a headache since that nasty incident in the Ladies' restroom in which one of the recruits had become embroiled.
His mood was not improved to find Reno not only wearing a paperclip necklace but even attempting to string a bracelet of paperclips around Rude's wrist as the shaven-headed Turk resolutely ignored him and polished his gun.
Tseng's mood plummeted even further when he discovered a memo informing him that the Professor would be visiting him shortly with details of an assignment. The Professor's tasks, in Tseng's experience, always offered great variety, but unfortunately also much messiness. And if there was one thing that Tseng couldn't abide it was messiness. On top of that he would have to face the Professor's decidedly sinister attitude when he spoke to the Turks. No, this was not Tseng's day.
" Want one? " Reno's voice shook him out of his reverie.
He looked up to discover he was being offered a misshapen knuckleduster that was quite ingeniously fashioned out of paperclips, staples and a used roll of Sellotape.
" No. Thank you, " he added lamely.
" Where ya been sir? " Reno asked, slipping the knuckleduster on and then tugging to get if off when it jammed.
" Elena Williamson was a witness to something quite like a brawl this morning between Professor Hojo and Ms. Scarlet in the Ladies' this morning. I had to supervise her in a meeting with the President. "
Rude looked up and exchanged a knowing look with Reno. Tseng, who was already feeling fragile, was irritated at being left out and snapped,
" What? What is it? "
" Well, Hojo fancies Scarlet, see, but she likes Sephiroth. And nobody's sure who he fancies but Rude says that he, the General not Rude sir, was necking in the corridor with her a couple of days ago and now it sounds like Hojo's found out, " Reno explained enthusiastically.
Tseng looked surprised at the idea of all this intrigue going on behind his back.
" Does the General know that the Professor has designs on Ms. Scarlet? "
Rude shrugged.
" Mr. Reeve was going to tell the General but, well, he's just been in and I don't think he will now, " Rude commented slowly.
" Why not? "
Rude shrugged again.
" Seems the General bumped into Mr. Reeve's pet project, y'know sir, Cait Sith, and took offence at it. "
" It was practically tin foil after he'd finished with it! " Reno said gleefully.
" Mr. Reeve was really upset, " Rude added in a somewhat sympathetic tone of voice.
Tseng raised his eyebrows and sat down in his chair, nodding as he assimilated the information.
" All very messy, " Tseng tsked to himself quietly. " And it's going to get messier. "
" How come? " Reno asked, attempting to use a pair of scissors to cut the knuckleduster off his hand.
" Professor Hojo has an assignment for us. "
" Aww, no sir! " Reno wailed. " He'll have us rooting through graveyards and chasing underage girls around again, I just know it! Can't we pretend to be out? "
" No unfortunately we can't, " Tseng snapped briskly. " And you're to be polite when he's here. You know we're not exactly his favourite people. "
" Why is that sir? " Rude asked, looking up from his gun once more.
" Haven't the faintest, " Tseng answered airily. " All I know is that if he tries to sneak up on me with a hypodermic needle one more time I really will have to speak to the President about it. Right, I'll be in my office, let me know when he arrives. "
It was only five minutes before the department door opened and Hojo stepped in. He crossed the carpet soundlessly, watched intently by Rude and Reno. He was almost at Tseng's door when he snapped back round to fix them with a piercing gaze.
" You, " he hissed, pointing at Rude, " how long do you think you could survive in suspended animation in a coffin? Hmm? "
Rude shrugged and scratched his head.
" Dunno, depends if I'd been to the bathroom first. "
Hojo sneered and shook his head.
" Pathetic, " he muttered, then turned sharply to Reno. " And you. Tell me, how would you feel about a demonic entity tearing through your soul, pushing your very consciousness into darkness, your limbs twisting and contorting, your bones cracking and reshaping, fur sprouting out all over your body, or perhaps wings tearing through your back? Hmm, how about that? "
Reno's eyes were wide. There was silence for a long moment before Reno realised that the Professor was waiting for an answer.
" I s'pose that'd ruin a lot of suits, " he offered.
Hojo snorted in disgust and started to shuffle away.
" Feeble. Hmph, don't make them like they used to, " he grumbled quietly.
" Tseng says that Turks are born, not made, " Reno piped up, despite the warning glare Rude shot his way.
Hojo turned back and smiled nastily.
" I beg to differ. Now, where is Tseng? "
" Here Professor, " Tseng emerged reluctantly from his office. " What can we help you with? "
Hojo surveyed them all carefully, as if he mistrusted them deeply and begrudged involving them in the slightest. They were all secretly longing for the day when he'd decide they weren't worth the risk and just head back to his lab instead. Sadly, that day was not today.
" This evening, I believe the General will engage in sexual intercourse with a number of women. I wish you to retrieve his partners and bring them to me. Without him noticing. "
" The General's pretty perceptive sir, " Reno said doubtfully. " How are we meant to… y'know, retrieve these girls without him noticing? "
Rude elbowed his partner quickly, almost knocking him off his chair.
" We wait 'til he's finished. Idiot, " he muttered.
Hojo eyed Reno with some distaste then turned back to Tseng. Tseng had used the time to consider how to politely ask the professor if he was anything short of hopelessly insane. From the look on Hojo's face, insane or not, the Turks would have no choice but to obey.
" Very good sir, " Tseng said smoothly." Is there a quota to be filled? "
" I would prefer no more than six specimens to be brought to my lab. If however, the number of sexual partners exceeds that number… "
" 'Cos we all know the General's a stud, " Reno whispered piercingly at Rude.
Hojo ignored the interruption.
" If there are more than six you will need to use your discretion and bring me the six healthiest. I trust you can manage that? " Hojo demanded scathingly.
" Certainly sir. What level of damage to these women is acceptable? "
" What do you mean? "
" We can do bruised, broken bones or near death, " Reno explained helpfully, ticking the options off on his fingers. " We're still working on unscathed. "
" Ignore him Professor, " Tseng said stiffly, trying to remember if he'd been drinking or otherwise intoxicated when he'd hired Reno. " I was simply asking what level of force you would like us to use in retrieving these women? "
" Treat them carefully. It is most important that they are in good health. "
" Very well sir. We'll have them delivered to you first thing tomorrow morning. "
Hojo nodded brusquely and started to leave. He halted and considered Reno and Rude for a second. Tseng had seen him do it before and it had immediately preceded Hojo's request that one of them assist him in the lab for a few minor experiments. Tseng had agreed until Hojo made it clear that they would not be returning, ever. At that point Tseng had suddenly remembered an urgent assignment that both of them were needed on. He had then been forced to add that he too was otherwise engaged.
He was wondering how to refuse the Professor again when Hojo spoke.
" Tseng, are you aware that these men are wearing jewellery made out of office supplies? "
Tseng decided that the next person to comment that the life of a Turk must be all glamour and intrigue would be decapitated with a pastry fork.
" Yes, Professor, I was aware of that. "
Hojo raised his eyebrows but said nothing. Not at least until he was out of the Turks' office. His comments about Turks not being what they were when he was young could be heard quite audibly as he made his way back to the elevator.
" Wow, Hojo's really playing hardball huh? " Reno remarked into the silence. " Remind me never to get in the way of him and whatever woman he's got his eye on, " he added, going back to attempting to saw the knuckleduster off his hand with a pair of scissors.
" Comes to something when a Turk thinks you're not being fair, " Rude agreed.
" A job's a job, gentlemen, " Tseng stated firmly. " Even if it does entail trailing around behind the General and kidnapping his sexual conquests. "
()()()()()
" Won't Cloud be seriously peeved about you going out on the pull? " Zack asked delicately as the General led him towards the street of popular clubs and bars.
Sephiroth flushed and pulled a face.
" Ah, well, the poor little guy's still a bit… well, emotional about not making it into SOLDIER. "
" And I thought sleeping with the General would be a Get Into SOLDIER Free card. Not saying Cloud thought that, " Zack added, seeing the ugly look on his friend's face.
" Actually, " Sephiroth answered coldly, " it is precisely because he is sleeping with the General that he did not make it into SOLDIER. "
Zack frowned.
" How's that? "
" In case it had escaped your attention Zack, being in SOLDIER is hardly a nice, safe occupation. All that fighting, not to mention the Mako treatments. " Sephiroth shook his head disapprovingly. " Don't want the little sweetheart getting hurt, do I? So I just mentioned to his instructors that if they dared put his name forward for SOLDIER I'd remove their intestines via their noses. "
" And then you explained this to Cloud? " Zack guessed.
Sephiroth pulled another face.
" He took it rather badly, " he admitted. " Still, I also explained that if he's a trooper and just sticks with me, he can't come to any harm. I mean, how can he get hurt when he's with me? "
" I suppose, " Zack agreed dubiously. " But is going out trawling for flesh the best way to smooth his ruffled feathers? "
" I told Hojo I was picking up some women tonight. If I stayed in my quarters all night he'd realise something odd was going on. "
" And of course nothing at all odd is going on, " Zack muttered to himself.
" Besides, I'll bring him something back. "
" Yes, I'm sure a used condom and lipstick smeared across your chest will really brighten him up. "
" Kindly stop being so sarcastic. I think I see your girlfriend over there and you won't like it if I break your nose in front of her, will you? "
" How thoughtful of you, " Zack grumbled, waving cheerily at Aeris.
" Going to introduce me? " Sephiroth prompted as they walked towards the brunette.
" Absolutely not. Get inside and give me some peace. "
" I think you've forgotten that I'm your superior officer, " Sephiroth complained as Zack shoved him through the door of the nearest bar.
" Never could forget, " Zack said under his breath as he turned to his girlfriend. " Hello gorgeous. "
" Was that General Sephiroth I saw you manhandling into that bar? " she asked in an icy tone.
" Honey, " Zack pleaded. " I promise you this is our date and I won't let him interfere in it. "
" You just happen to be taking me to the same bar that he's in? "
Zack suppressed the urge to whine piteously.
" He's here on SOLDIER business sweetheart, that's all. "
" So you're taking me to a bar at which SOLDIER business is taking place? "
" There's not really a short way out of this conversation is there? Can't we just skip to the part where I'm really sorry and promise to buy you something nice to make it up to you? "
Aeris considered the hangdog expression on her boyfriend's face.
" Just don't let him screw up another of our dates, " she relented. " I swear that man is the bane of my existence. "
" Lots of people feel that way darling. Lets just go in, get a drink and ignore him. "
" Easier said than done, " she complained but allowed Zack to lead her inside.
It would have been a reasonably pleasant evening out for Aeris and Zack if they had not had to bear witness to the General's absolutely shameless promiscuity. In between his numerous conquests, he made a few tentative steps to approaching Zack and Aeris. He was only dissuaded when Zack mimed a violent death by stabbing using the sharp end of one of the decorative umbrellas from his drink.
" Popular isn't he? " Aeris commented sourly as Sephiroth disappeared into the toilets with a young red-headed woman.
" Jealous? " Zack teased weakly, feeling the evening rapidly spinning out of control. Forcing your girlfriend to play audience to a series of crudely brazen sexual exploits perpetrated by your best friend, whom she already loathes, is a sure fire method of killing any romantic mood.
" Don't be ridiculous, " she said sharply. " You know I go for blonds. "
Zack felt momentarily non-plussed by this, considering his own hair was anything but blond.
" And you, " she added, noticing his hand sub-consciously flexing to his dark hair.
" Should we go somewhere else? " he suggested.
" And what made you realise now that this venue is hopelessly inappropriate for you and I to have a quiet evening together? Was it seeing the General disappear into the loos with a fourth woman? Was that it? Zack? "
He didn't answer. He was staring in horror at the small team of scientists, headed up by Hojo, who had entered the bar. They were all obviously incognito as they had shed their lab coats. Hojo was currently speaking to a small group of people. One of them gestured towards the toilets.
" Oh hell, " Zack cursed. He turned to Aeris who was watching him with narrowed eyes. " Would you hate me forever if I say I have to do something rather drastic now? "
She considered for a moment then sighed.
" Go on then, " she said resignedly.
Zack dropped a kiss on her cheek, took a deep breath and went into action.
Aeris sat back and watched as her boyfriend flung a hand across his eyes, staggered into Hojo's path and began bellowing.
" Argh! It burns, it burns! "
She watched with interest as Hojo at first tried to step over Zack, who was now rolling around on the floor and shrieking. Evidently Hojo had not recognised the SOLDIER. Zack remedied this by removing his hand so that his Mako enhanced eyes were visible.
" The Mako is burning me up, " he said loudly and clearly. " I need urgent medical assistance. "
Hojo seemed unimpressed but peered at Zack with a little more interest. Whatever was going on in the toilets was apparently temporarily forgotten.
" My last Mako treatment has obviously gone wrong and I am in great pain! " Zack screeched, being very careful to enunciate his words clearly so that Hojo could hear him over the thump of loud bar music.
This seemed to do the trick, Aeris saw. Hojo and his scientists hustled Zack out of the bar, with the SOLDIER bellowing all the time about how grateful he was that Professor Hojo was here to help him, and wasn't it lucky that Professor Hojo was right outside the door to the toilets when he collapsed.
Aeris timed the interval carefully. Hojo was barely three seconds down the street when the door to the toilets swung open and an ashen faced General peered out, hastily doing up his trousers. He looked around cautiously. His eyes fixed on Aeris and he looked puzzled. He had obviously noticed that Zack was absent. Sephiroth began to move towards her, a question evidently on his lips. She made a rude gesture and he shrugged. He retreated back into the toilets and his previous engagement.
Aeris drowned her sorrows in the low-alcohol, decidedly girly drink that Zack had bought for her. She found it both intensely irritating and endearing that Zack was intent on treating her as a fragile flower. Since first seeing her in her favourite pink dress he seemed unable to realise that Aeris had a core of nothing less than steel.
Midway through her reverie of how sweet Zack was and what a pity it was that his best friend was a complete jerk; Aeris noticed Reno and Rude stealthily making their way towards the toilets. She toyed briefly with the idea of letting Sephiroth get caught with his pants down, both literally and figuratively. Unfortunately she came to the sorry conclusion that she owed it to Zack to let his reluctant trip to the lab not be in vain. While her many talents might not include feigning Mako poisoning, what they did include was a superb talent for making Turks chase her.
()()()()()()
Having lost Tseng in a nightclub somewhere, Reno and Rude were struggling to simply get through this assignment and get out again. They had tracked the General to this bar, and more specifically these toilets. Neither of them was very impressed with his choice of location for a romantic rendezvous but considering the legendary sexual prowess of the great General they felt they were not entitled to pass judgement.
Rude had the door to the bathroom half open when he felt something hit him stingingly on the back of his neck. He clapped his hand to the point of impact and spun around. Seated a small distance from the two Turks was Aeris Gainsborough, who was currently watching them and throwing peanuts at them.
" What do we do now? " Reno asked. " Go after her or follow through the assignment? "
" Dunno, but her aim's not bad, " Rude grumbled as a peanut hit him squarely on in the chest.
" Isn't that why we're following her around all the time? Aren't we meant to be recruiting her for SOLDIER? "
Rude fixed his partner with a pitying look.
" God, you're naïve sometimes. We're following her around 'cos Hojo's told us too. "
Reno considered this, attempting to ignore the steady stream of peanuts raining down on them.
" D'you s'pose Hojo fancies her too? "
Rude pulled a face.
" She's a little young for him, isn't she? "
" I always said Hojo's creepy. If he does fancy her and he finds out we had the chance to pick her up and didn't take it, he's gonna be pretty narked at us, isn't he? " Reno reasoned.
Rude thought about this.
" Our orders to collect her do predate our orders to pick up the General's girls, " he admitted. " perhaps I should get her while you pick up whoever the General's got in there with him. "
The younger Turk caught his partner's arm as Rude began edging towards Aeris.
" Rude, mate, this'd be like the eightieth time we tried nabbing her, wouldn't it? "
" Something like that, yeah. What's your point? "
" Well, perhaps we should try picking her up together. We can always collect the General's girl in a moment. He strikes me as more that a three-minute man. "
Rude nodded.
" Sounds a good idea. C'mon then. "
()()()()()()
Now that the two Turks had abandoned the toilets and were heading her way, Aeris wondered how she was going to avoid capture. Once again she considered how useful a bodyguard would be, but unfortunately for her good bodyguards don't just drop out of the sky. She promised herself that the next time she played with the Turks, she'd get herself a bodyguard to help her. For now, she was on her own.
The two Turks approached her slowly.
" 'Lo there Aeris, " Rude said politely.
" Hello. Rude, isn't it? "
" S'right, " he nodded.
There was an uncomfortable pause.
" You fancy coming with us? " Reno attempted hopefully.
" Not particularly. I haven't even finished my drink yet. "
" Well we wouldn't want to rush you but we are working to a bit of a tight schedule, " Rude said.
" We can let the lady finish her drink though, can't we? " Reno suggested.
" S'pose so, " Rude said reluctantly.
They stood and waited as she sipped daintily at her drink. She managed to make the last inch of her drink last a good ten minutes. As she placed the glass down on the table, Rude flexed his shoulders meaningfully.
" Right then Aeris. We'd better make a move, " he said, his tone almost apologetic.
" Can I finish my peanuts? " she asked, gesturing to the half-empty bowl in front of her.
" I'm surprised you've got any left, the way you were flinging them at us, " Reno muttered below his breath.
Aeris noticed Sephiroth finally exit the toilets. She felt an uncomfortable rush of relief at the sight of him. His eyes locked onto her again. The silver eyebrows rose in surprise, then furrowed as he spotted the two men at her table. Surely the sight of his best friend's girlfriend being hassled by two men would muster some kind of response. Then she remembered she had given him the finger earlier in the evening.
" Howzabout we get you some peanuts when we get to Shinra HQ? " Rude offered.
" I know about the kind of peanuts you get in corporate vending machines. I prefer the ones here, thanks. "
Sephiroth was at last making his way towards them. Aeris rose smoothly and moved round the table so that the General would be visible to the two Turks. She decided by the sudden pallor of their skin that they had seen him.
Rude sighed heavily and Reno adopted a slightly wretched expression.
Sephiroth eased his way through the crowds towards the trio. As he was almost at Aeris' back, he chose to make a dramatic entrance and pulled Masamune from his back. He was just about to slide the blade from its sheath when he stepped in a puddle of spilt drink and stumbled forward. The hilt of Masamune jabbed Aeris in the middle of the back with such force she was almost knocked down.
Sephiroth caught her easily around the waist, flushing embarrassedly.
" Gods, sorry, " he breathed. " That could've been nasty. "
" Be a little more careful! Now, take your hands off me and lets go, " she said sharply.
" Yes ma'am, " Sephiroth sniped but grinned at the Turks and led Aeris out of the club.
Reno turned to Rude with a horrified expression.
" The General's not involved with her too, is he? Hojo'll do his nut when he finds out he's lost another potential girlfriend. "
" The General really knows how to play with fire, " Rude agreed. " Still, we're in a pretty bad situation too. "
Reno frowned.
" We haven't got Aeris or any of Sephiroth's lays. "
" Or Tseng, " Rude said bleakly. " This job could have gone better. "
" So what now? " Reno asked.
Rude looked around at the bar. He noticed the number of flushed and excited young women.
" Plan B, " he stated. " We'll have to ask around. "
()()()()()()
" So, does Zack know you're two-timing him with the Turks? " Sephiroth asked as he escorted Aeris back to the Sector 5 slums.
" Does Zack know you're a clumsy moron? "
" Look, " Sephiroth said testily. " I apologised about that. You should just be thankful Masamune was still sheathed. Otherwise it would have been Bye Bye Aeris. "
" If you can't handle that sword properly you should try using a shorter one. Why you need a sword that long I don't know. I bet it's some bloke thing. "
" If you think I'm not going to tell Zack about you and the Turks you're mistaken. "
" Well you'll have to rescue him from the Shinra lab first. "
Sephiroth looked bemused.
" Does he normally pay Hojo a visit in the middle of your dates? "
" No, normally he goes rushing off to sort out whichever stupid predicament you've got yourself in. And tonight, that stupid predicament involved Hojo heading towards the toilets while you're in there doing Gods-know-what with some random woman. "
" Gods-know-what? " Sephiroth repeated amusedly. " You're a bit of a prude, you know that? "
" And you're a clumsy moron, " Aeris said again. " He was trying to warn you. "
" Oh, was that what it was? " Sephiroth crowed with dawning realisation. " I did wonder. But Monica was quite, well, noisy and I wasn't sure if I'd heard right. "
" Monica? Are you sure it wasn't Moira? " Aeris asked caustically.
Sephiroth paused.
" Could have been, " he agreed.
" Or Maggie, or Martha, or Maud. 'Cos you really wouldn't know for sure, would you? "
" You're not my mother, stop lecturing me. So, let me get this straight, Zack stopped Hojo and you distracted the Turks? That was sweet of you. I guess you're realising that deep down I'm a pretty nice guy. "
" No, deep down you're a psychopath. And you're trouble. You're also my boyfriend's best friend and his commanding officer."
Sephiroth frowned deeply.
" I don't like you at all, " he stated finally.
" Feeling's mutual. Now go rescue Zack and leave me alone, " Aeris commanded, standing at the door to her house.
Sephiroth frowned at her again but turned and skulked off, muttering about how everyone was always bossing him around and one of these days…
()()()()()()()
Rude and Reno found Tseng slumped on a bar stool in a seedy looking bar three doors down. He was very drunk and very depressed. Rude tapped him respectfully on the shoulder. Tseng spun round, almost toppled off his seat and steadied himself by catching hold of Rude's lapels. Rude righted his boss and eyed him concernedly.
" You okay, sir? " he asked tentatively.
" D'you 'member Rude, the good ol' days? " Tseng slurred. " When Shinra would say: Hey Tsheng, go kill Mr. Blah Blah, and while you're at it, do a lil' extortion and corp'rate shabotage. Those were gooood days. "
" Yes sir, " Rude agreed. " Are you ready to leave sir?
" And now, what are we? " Tseng demanded, ignoring Rude's question. " Now we're jusht pawns in their bizarre sexual games. " Tseng gestured hopelessly. " Now they say: Tsheng, go kidnap Mrs. Blah Blah 'cos Mr. Whatsit's been eyeing up Mrs. Thingummy and I'm ve'y angry 'bout it. "
" I know sir. Shall we go now sir? "
Tseng caught hold of Rude's lapels again and dragged him close.
" Did you know, Rude, that I could kill you wid just these two fingersh? " the Wutan asked, holding up two unsteady digits.
" I'm sure you could sir. Can you stand up sir? "
Tseng peered round Rude's broad chest.
" Why are there eight, no nine, well, many many women stood over there with Reno? " he asked blearily.
Rude flushed and wondered if it would be best to wait until his boss was sober again. Or maybe it was best to let the drunken haze take the force of the blow.
" We lost Sephiroth's actual… partners. So we had to ask the ladies present if they'd, y'know, been with the General that evening. These are the ones that said yes. "
Reno had moved closer and pulled a worried face.
" I'm not sure they all understood the question but… anyway, at least we can placate Hojo with these lot. "
Tseng nodded acceptingly.
" Good, " he muttered. " We can go home then. Jus' got to go to the Little Boy's room first. "
He slid gracelessly off the stool and began to stagger towards the toilets. He dropped his gun on the way and almost fell over as he retrieved it.
" I don't think he should have his gun at the moment, " Reno commented. " I'll go take it off him. "
Rude raised an eyebrow but began selecting the healthiest looking women from the bunch. Reno returned a few moments later. His lip was cut and he had a nasty bump on the side of his head.
" The boss said he'd rather keep hold of his gun for now. "