Diablo B-Team Heroes
Chapter 3: The Cave Of Useless Merchandise
We rejoin our heroes ten feet inside the cave.
Alex: So yeah, we're gonna slay some evil...
Joe: Slaying evil is so yesterday...we should get along with evil...
Erg looks up, coming down off of the herb from earlier.
Erg: Erg think evil make world bad!
Alex turns and looks at the barbarian.
Alex: I wonder where he got that notion from...
Erg looked over to the paladin.
Erg: Erg listen to self-help tape! Tape rightfully titled: Why Evil Bad!
Joe: Hey....I used to have that tape too...but then I accidently smoked it....no wait....Mary Jane ate it....and then we smoked it....
Alex looks over at the Druid in silent confusion, then led the company further into the cave. After walking for a few minutes they come upon something which oddly resembles a reception counter. A receptionist pops up looking unusually happy and perky.
Receptionist: Welcome to the Cave Of Useless Merchandise! Please enjoy your stay!
Alex: But uh....I thought this was the cave of....dank evil...
Receptionist: It used to be a cave of a evil! But then we bought it out and renovated it! It's now a cave of manufacturing stores! Please enjoy your stay!
Alex: Riiight....
Receptionist: Please hurry along now! Don't stand in one place too long or we'll think you're stealing!
Joe: I hate that....cause I was like....staring at Mary Jane's fur...and...it reminds me of a map....you know...with all the green...so I tried to find where I am....so it's really hard....I keep moving around....
Alex: That's not you, it's a tick!
Joe: Oh....I thought I was walking and reading this map....it must be magical....
Erg: Erg don't like magic map! Always lead Erg into getting lost!
Alex: That's cause you always hold yours upside down!
Erg: So many questions answered.....
The company continues starts to walk when a shady man whispers to them.
Man: Psst...hey.....you here....I want you to see my line of action figures....I got the entire Diablo set.
Erg: Erg don't like Diablo collectibles! Erg think Diablo crappy!
Everyone slowly turns to look at the camera, then back Erg.
Erg: Erg don't mean it! Erg's threat empty!
Joe looks over to the man.
Joe: Do you have the Dark and Scary bandits? I want the one that never runs away after they throw down the smoke bomb....
Shopkeeper: Yeah! I got him. He looks confused.
Alex: Kind of like someone we all know....
Alex and Erg look to Joe, who is staring blankly at Mary Jane.
Joe: Are they talking about you MJ?
Erg looks down at the box the action figure's in.
Erg: Erg confused! Box say Collect All! How can Erg collect all when company makes limited number of toy!
Alex: It means to get one of every kind....
Erg: Erg confused! Company use round-about marketing technique!
Joe: Yeah...I know what you mean...it's just like that time I bought......(He stands there for a minute) What was I gonna say...?
Alex: You were going to tell us something....
Joe: Oh....yeah.....about that time I bought Mary Jane a flea collar....but....if it's a flea collar....why isn't it made out of fleas?
The three heroes move along to the next desk where a cloaked figure stands. A woman of hispanic origin stands beside the cloaked figure offering them a tray of cookies and brownies. The cloaked man speaks.
Cloaked Figure: Are you tired of being hungry? Is your stomach always giving you the roundabout when you want to eat? I mean, it is your body. Your stomach's not in charge.
Erg: Erg understand meaning perfectly! Erg want Brunch! But body forces breakfast!
Cloaked Figure: But anyway, I've created this fun and nutritious brownies. They'll fill you up and tide you over and let you eat when you want. Your stomach will think it's full, but it's just a dumb organ.
Joe: Hey...I'll try some of those....
Cloaked Figure: Excellent. (He pulls out a few scrolls) I need you to sign a few waviers. Here, here, here, and eventually here.
Joe: What's an initial?
Cloaked Figure: Just put an X.
Alex: Yeah, I guess I could eat one too.
Erg looks shy and embarressed.
Cloaked Figure: Hey, come on sign....you do want one don't you?
Erg: Erg forget spelling of name.
Alex: I'll sign for you.
They all sign the waviers and the Hispanic woman offers the tray to the heroes. They all take a cookie. Joe even feeds a couple to Mary Jane.
Hispanic Woman: Thank you for trying the Phantom Man brand brownie. (She begins to speak incredibly fast) Mr. Phantom Man is not responsible in any way, shape, form or fashion for the following symptoms, which include, but are not limited to: Highs, Delusions of Grandor, Rashes, Lower Intestinal Infections, Rotting of Toe Nails, The Squirts, Bubble Guts, Runny Bowels, or any other rectal symptom, and Flesh Eating Intestine Worms. (Her voice returns to its normal speed) Thank you for trying Phantom Man's Evil Bran Brownies.
Phantom Man looks over to the Hispanic Woman.
Phantom Man: Marie, you've already said too much. You've already given them the disclaimer. Now let's go.
They quickly close down shop, leaving our Heroes alone again. They all turn to the Paladin to find out that he's laughing insanely.
Alex: FINALLY! I'VE DESTROYED ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT MARKETING FRANCHISES! WHICH WILL SOON LEAD TO BIG CORPORATE BUSINESSES! THEY WILL BE THE NEXT EVIL!
Erg can be seen, scratching a rash on his chest.
Erg: Erg frightened by scary prediction of future.
The familiar sight of the five bandits from outside could be seen popping out in front of our Heroes all wearing decoratively colored uniforms.
Bandit: HAHA! WE ARE THE BANDITS OF THE DARK AND SCARY BOOTLEG BOUTIQUE!
Joe: Wait a minute.....how can bandits own a boutique? Isn't that redundant?
Erg: Joe say smart words?
The bandits stare at the stoner.
Bandit: Actually, you're partially right my friend, but you see, everything we sale is bootleg so still, we're robbing the public. Care for a T-Shirt that looks exactly like the ones that they sell up front?
Erg: Erg need rash cream! Rash irritating!
One of the other bandits pop up beside Erg.
Second Bandit: Here's some rash cream....well, it's not really rash cream. We made it out of cow spit.
Erg quickly snatches the bottle from the bandit's hand, rubbing it all over his chest.
Erg: Rash cream smell like home.
All of a sudden the receptionist from up front appears with two orc security guards.
Receptionist: There they are! They keep selling fake products!
The head bandit sees the two orcs then looks at the three before them.
Bandit: Well! The jig is up! Looks like we just had our out of business sale!
The bandits throw down smoke bombs, and once again the same bandit is standing there after the smoke clears.
Confused Bandit: I never really understood the concept of smoke bombs....but anyway, I never worked here!
The bandit rips off his name tag and runs away. By this time Mary Jane has grabbed the receptionist and has started to look around for a place to bury her.
Receptionist: PUT ME DOWN! WHY ARE YOU DIGGING A HOLE?!
Joe: She just wants to play hide and seek....she's gonna hide you now, and seek you out later....
Receptionist: THAT MADE NO SENSE! WHY IN TH....
Her sentence was cut short as Mary Jane covers up the hole, then precedes to squat on it. All our heroes suddenly black out and then wake up at an undisclosed amount of time at the entrance, feeling as though they had their asses severely kicked. As for the cave, it's on fire and there appear to be no survivors. They all sit up with a headache, looking at Mary Jane who has a torch in her mouth.
Alex: What the hell happened...?
Erg: Erg smell like cow spit! This remind Erg of frat house days!
Joe: Man....that was one hell of a bender....
Joe then takes the torch out of Mary Jane's mouth.
Alex: You're always on a bender.
Joe: Yeah, you're right.....
Joe uses the torch to light his pipe, then tosses it into the cave causing another unforseen explosion. The receptionist crawls out covered in dirt and burning feces.
Receptionist: All stores....destroyed....wolf.....arsenist....
Our heroes saunder away from the burning cave not bothering to help the lady or question the fact that a dire wolf could be an arsenist, leaving us to believe that fire marshels have the right idea by not opening shopping malls in caves with only one entrance/exit. And remeber kids, only you can prevent giant green wolves from setting stuff on fire. Tune in next time for chapter four.
Chapter 3: The Cave Of Useless Merchandise
We rejoin our heroes ten feet inside the cave.
Alex: So yeah, we're gonna slay some evil...
Joe: Slaying evil is so yesterday...we should get along with evil...
Erg looks up, coming down off of the herb from earlier.
Erg: Erg think evil make world bad!
Alex turns and looks at the barbarian.
Alex: I wonder where he got that notion from...
Erg looked over to the paladin.
Erg: Erg listen to self-help tape! Tape rightfully titled: Why Evil Bad!
Joe: Hey....I used to have that tape too...but then I accidently smoked it....no wait....Mary Jane ate it....and then we smoked it....
Alex looks over at the Druid in silent confusion, then led the company further into the cave. After walking for a few minutes they come upon something which oddly resembles a reception counter. A receptionist pops up looking unusually happy and perky.
Receptionist: Welcome to the Cave Of Useless Merchandise! Please enjoy your stay!
Alex: But uh....I thought this was the cave of....dank evil...
Receptionist: It used to be a cave of a evil! But then we bought it out and renovated it! It's now a cave of manufacturing stores! Please enjoy your stay!
Alex: Riiight....
Receptionist: Please hurry along now! Don't stand in one place too long or we'll think you're stealing!
Joe: I hate that....cause I was like....staring at Mary Jane's fur...and...it reminds me of a map....you know...with all the green...so I tried to find where I am....so it's really hard....I keep moving around....
Alex: That's not you, it's a tick!
Joe: Oh....I thought I was walking and reading this map....it must be magical....
Erg: Erg don't like magic map! Always lead Erg into getting lost!
Alex: That's cause you always hold yours upside down!
Erg: So many questions answered.....
The company continues starts to walk when a shady man whispers to them.
Man: Psst...hey.....you here....I want you to see my line of action figures....I got the entire Diablo set.
Erg: Erg don't like Diablo collectibles! Erg think Diablo crappy!
Everyone slowly turns to look at the camera, then back Erg.
Erg: Erg don't mean it! Erg's threat empty!
Joe looks over to the man.
Joe: Do you have the Dark and Scary bandits? I want the one that never runs away after they throw down the smoke bomb....
Shopkeeper: Yeah! I got him. He looks confused.
Alex: Kind of like someone we all know....
Alex and Erg look to Joe, who is staring blankly at Mary Jane.
Joe: Are they talking about you MJ?
Erg looks down at the box the action figure's in.
Erg: Erg confused! Box say Collect All! How can Erg collect all when company makes limited number of toy!
Alex: It means to get one of every kind....
Erg: Erg confused! Company use round-about marketing technique!
Joe: Yeah...I know what you mean...it's just like that time I bought......(He stands there for a minute) What was I gonna say...?
Alex: You were going to tell us something....
Joe: Oh....yeah.....about that time I bought Mary Jane a flea collar....but....if it's a flea collar....why isn't it made out of fleas?
The three heroes move along to the next desk where a cloaked figure stands. A woman of hispanic origin stands beside the cloaked figure offering them a tray of cookies and brownies. The cloaked man speaks.
Cloaked Figure: Are you tired of being hungry? Is your stomach always giving you the roundabout when you want to eat? I mean, it is your body. Your stomach's not in charge.
Erg: Erg understand meaning perfectly! Erg want Brunch! But body forces breakfast!
Cloaked Figure: But anyway, I've created this fun and nutritious brownies. They'll fill you up and tide you over and let you eat when you want. Your stomach will think it's full, but it's just a dumb organ.
Joe: Hey...I'll try some of those....
Cloaked Figure: Excellent. (He pulls out a few scrolls) I need you to sign a few waviers. Here, here, here, and eventually here.
Joe: What's an initial?
Cloaked Figure: Just put an X.
Alex: Yeah, I guess I could eat one too.
Erg looks shy and embarressed.
Cloaked Figure: Hey, come on sign....you do want one don't you?
Erg: Erg forget spelling of name.
Alex: I'll sign for you.
They all sign the waviers and the Hispanic woman offers the tray to the heroes. They all take a cookie. Joe even feeds a couple to Mary Jane.
Hispanic Woman: Thank you for trying the Phantom Man brand brownie. (She begins to speak incredibly fast) Mr. Phantom Man is not responsible in any way, shape, form or fashion for the following symptoms, which include, but are not limited to: Highs, Delusions of Grandor, Rashes, Lower Intestinal Infections, Rotting of Toe Nails, The Squirts, Bubble Guts, Runny Bowels, or any other rectal symptom, and Flesh Eating Intestine Worms. (Her voice returns to its normal speed) Thank you for trying Phantom Man's Evil Bran Brownies.
Phantom Man looks over to the Hispanic Woman.
Phantom Man: Marie, you've already said too much. You've already given them the disclaimer. Now let's go.
They quickly close down shop, leaving our Heroes alone again. They all turn to the Paladin to find out that he's laughing insanely.
Alex: FINALLY! I'VE DESTROYED ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT MARKETING FRANCHISES! WHICH WILL SOON LEAD TO BIG CORPORATE BUSINESSES! THEY WILL BE THE NEXT EVIL!
Erg can be seen, scratching a rash on his chest.
Erg: Erg frightened by scary prediction of future.
The familiar sight of the five bandits from outside could be seen popping out in front of our Heroes all wearing decoratively colored uniforms.
Bandit: HAHA! WE ARE THE BANDITS OF THE DARK AND SCARY BOOTLEG BOUTIQUE!
Joe: Wait a minute.....how can bandits own a boutique? Isn't that redundant?
Erg: Joe say smart words?
The bandits stare at the stoner.
Bandit: Actually, you're partially right my friend, but you see, everything we sale is bootleg so still, we're robbing the public. Care for a T-Shirt that looks exactly like the ones that they sell up front?
Erg: Erg need rash cream! Rash irritating!
One of the other bandits pop up beside Erg.
Second Bandit: Here's some rash cream....well, it's not really rash cream. We made it out of cow spit.
Erg quickly snatches the bottle from the bandit's hand, rubbing it all over his chest.
Erg: Rash cream smell like home.
All of a sudden the receptionist from up front appears with two orc security guards.
Receptionist: There they are! They keep selling fake products!
The head bandit sees the two orcs then looks at the three before them.
Bandit: Well! The jig is up! Looks like we just had our out of business sale!
The bandits throw down smoke bombs, and once again the same bandit is standing there after the smoke clears.
Confused Bandit: I never really understood the concept of smoke bombs....but anyway, I never worked here!
The bandit rips off his name tag and runs away. By this time Mary Jane has grabbed the receptionist and has started to look around for a place to bury her.
Receptionist: PUT ME DOWN! WHY ARE YOU DIGGING A HOLE?!
Joe: She just wants to play hide and seek....she's gonna hide you now, and seek you out later....
Receptionist: THAT MADE NO SENSE! WHY IN TH....
Her sentence was cut short as Mary Jane covers up the hole, then precedes to squat on it. All our heroes suddenly black out and then wake up at an undisclosed amount of time at the entrance, feeling as though they had their asses severely kicked. As for the cave, it's on fire and there appear to be no survivors. They all sit up with a headache, looking at Mary Jane who has a torch in her mouth.
Alex: What the hell happened...?
Erg: Erg smell like cow spit! This remind Erg of frat house days!
Joe: Man....that was one hell of a bender....
Joe then takes the torch out of Mary Jane's mouth.
Alex: You're always on a bender.
Joe: Yeah, you're right.....
Joe uses the torch to light his pipe, then tosses it into the cave causing another unforseen explosion. The receptionist crawls out covered in dirt and burning feces.
Receptionist: All stores....destroyed....wolf.....arsenist....
Our heroes saunder away from the burning cave not bothering to help the lady or question the fact that a dire wolf could be an arsenist, leaving us to believe that fire marshels have the right idea by not opening shopping malls in caves with only one entrance/exit. And remeber kids, only you can prevent giant green wolves from setting stuff on fire. Tune in next time for chapter four.