Chapter 5: Journey to They Aren't Really Sure
Two seconds later, we see all the company sitting on a large rock in the middle of nowhere. Dopey and happy are high and are trying to kill Boromir who is actually trying to stop them because supposedly a 'suicide' in Inthemiddleearth is when you do yourself bodily harm. Stupid git. Everyone else is roasting marshmallows around a camp fire built by the boy scout which had been made just a certain way with just a certain wood in just a certain position and just the certain kindling covered in just a certain lighter fluid and... well you get the point. Boy scouts bother me. Gandalf was actually roasting minime because the marshmallows were just to high in cholesterol for such an old man. (??????????) The archer was relating the story of his just defeat of his arch-nemisis and yada yada yada.
KAAAAA KAAAAA KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-....................
'Stupid archer dude!!' Yelled Gandalf licking grease from his fingers. (I guess fat isn't a problem like cholesterol is!) 'You just shot a crebana banana bird!!!!!!!!' (how far can a crabana banana bird fly with a coconut tied to it's legs?) "Why is that a problem?" asked the archer dude who still remains anonymous. "They-" Just then gandalf was hit with an amnesia attack strong enough to stun a T-rex and fell off the rock which knocked him out for another 24 hours so the rest of the party never learned that the crebana banana birds were spies of Saruman and now he knew where they were so he could try to kill them whenever he wanted.
24 hours later,
Gandalf touched the gigantic lump on his head and winced. He had been awakened to freezing cold and snow and hail and rain and pneumonia, and hypothermia all being relentlessly hurled at his ancient, no, super ancient body, so he had managed to kill everyone out of rage and now sat examining his surroundings. It turned out that his aching joints were partially due to the fact that he was tied to an extra large piece of bark that was being pulled by 10 wargs disguised as penguins who were also spies of saruman. Everyone else was lying face down in the snow. What snow? Oh ya I forgot to mention that after a heated argument about where to go, the fellowboat of the trinket had decided it best to face the outerwordly cold of 'The Pass.'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You dare laugh at 'The Pass.'?????????? Where many a brave adventurer hath , well adventured??????? Anyway.... Gandalf stuggled, but try as he may, he couldn't get out of the ropes so he decided that death could wait for his friends if the only other option for him was freezing/ starving/ heck just dying so he revived everyone with his ring of power, not The One Ring, but heck still a ring of power so who really cares? (Which nobody knows he has) (Really I'm serious! He does have one in the book!!) Soooo, every stumbles awake zombie style but gets better due to the boyscouts amazing skill with a second aid kit. Gandlf also revives a warg ( with a pink bow) to match his slippers. No, don't worry the warg put aside his devilish past and became a first class seeing eye warg. (Applaus! Applaus!) Everyone continued to walk up the mountain. Fun! They were passed quite a few times by Swedish skiers, and got really cheesed because They were moving all of 1 mile a day. The boy scout and the archer began talking really loud and causing avalanches which really annoyed everyone else. Later on the hike/ walk/ climb/ again why do I even bother, the archer and the boyscout fell off the mountain. Poor guys. Hey wait a minute!.................... I suspect fowl play! Yes FOWL play!( now isn't that a witty use of the screwed up English language?! Stupid homophones making life harder for us already hard-worked people!!!!) Yes they were attacked by crebana banana birds with coconuts tied to their legs which they swung around whacking people with! *Gasp* Evil. Gandalf revived legless (with legs so I guess we can't call him legless anymore) he revived Legolas who shot all of the birds with his awesome elf aim and the fellowboat enjoyed a good meal of roasted crabana banana birds and coconut milk. Everything had to be died green before IAMSAM even thought about eating, and Legolas woudn't eat it because it was serverd on a leaf (I'm the bloody Prince of freakin' Jerkwood and you serve me my dinner on a LEAF??????!!!!!!! (They had to explain the concept of lemonbas before he even thought of eating either. (If the Queen of Lothlorien eats of a leaf it'll probably be good enough for me.)
One concept all you smart people should be considering is 'Where did they get leaves? They are at the top of a mountain! Snow! Too cold for vegetation other than lichen! Jeeze these authors are stupid!'
Well for your information, Ahem: 'WE ARE NOT STUPID! Thankyou' The leaves are Frodo's. (Do you think a chain pipeweed smoker would go anywhere with an entire pack of pipe weed? A WEED!!!!!! Like a plant! With leaves
There now that that is all cleaned up, we'll get back on topic.
The Fellowboat continued up the trecherous slopes. Keeping an eye out for Boromir's suicide attempts. (Have you ever thought of how many chances a guy like him has on a mountain like that? So as you can imagine they got a little feed up. So fed up in fact that they paged Galadriel who came with a gang of here gothic friends in black lab coats and coaxed Boromir into one of those pretty jackets, the 'staight' ones. Then they put him on one of those anti-gravitational trolleys from Star Wars (you know the ones that just sort of, well... float!) Elf magic. Ask them not me!) Suddenly Legolas called a halt and got killed and brought back by Gandalf (Again) 'I give the Orders here elf!!!!' he shouted in Legolas' ear. Legolas pouted the rest of that day. The next morning in the middle of a massive blizzard (you know the one's you can buy at Dairy Queen! (a-dude! A-dude!) This one was, ummmm..... yes? Oh thankyou Gimme. It was Smarties. One of the extra thick ones, so visibility was poor, and moving was almost impossible.
'There is a fell voice on the air!' Cried out Legolas 'It's Saruman!!!!!!!!!' yelled Gandalf looking to his wrist for a non- existent wristwatch. 'He should be having his shower about now.' He explained to the clueless looks everyone was giving him.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Now, in the movie, Saruman tries to dump a mountain on them, but here he thought 'heck! Why waste perfectly good icecream?' So he went along with his daily routine of his shower and manicure, pedicure, you know, the whole work with orcs in maid outfits, high-heeled shoes, curly wigs and bonnets. This was a form of torture for the orcs. You know, to raise disipline. Oh, and the torture wasn't the outfits, it was the fact that the orcs couldn't stand Saruman's singing! And coincidentally, neither could the fellowboat so they headed to the door that would bring them inside the mountain that would hopefully deaden or at least dull the sound of Saruman's voice. (picture a cat in a trash can getting run over by an eighteen wheeler in need of a muffler job. Ya. He's that bad!)
So thus begins 'The Quest for The Holy Balrog!!!!!!' (On to Morilot!)
Two seconds later, we see all the company sitting on a large rock in the middle of nowhere. Dopey and happy are high and are trying to kill Boromir who is actually trying to stop them because supposedly a 'suicide' in Inthemiddleearth is when you do yourself bodily harm. Stupid git. Everyone else is roasting marshmallows around a camp fire built by the boy scout which had been made just a certain way with just a certain wood in just a certain position and just the certain kindling covered in just a certain lighter fluid and... well you get the point. Boy scouts bother me. Gandalf was actually roasting minime because the marshmallows were just to high in cholesterol for such an old man. (??????????) The archer was relating the story of his just defeat of his arch-nemisis and yada yada yada.
KAAAAA KAAAAA KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-....................
'Stupid archer dude!!' Yelled Gandalf licking grease from his fingers. (I guess fat isn't a problem like cholesterol is!) 'You just shot a crebana banana bird!!!!!!!!' (how far can a crabana banana bird fly with a coconut tied to it's legs?) "Why is that a problem?" asked the archer dude who still remains anonymous. "They-" Just then gandalf was hit with an amnesia attack strong enough to stun a T-rex and fell off the rock which knocked him out for another 24 hours so the rest of the party never learned that the crebana banana birds were spies of Saruman and now he knew where they were so he could try to kill them whenever he wanted.
24 hours later,
Gandalf touched the gigantic lump on his head and winced. He had been awakened to freezing cold and snow and hail and rain and pneumonia, and hypothermia all being relentlessly hurled at his ancient, no, super ancient body, so he had managed to kill everyone out of rage and now sat examining his surroundings. It turned out that his aching joints were partially due to the fact that he was tied to an extra large piece of bark that was being pulled by 10 wargs disguised as penguins who were also spies of saruman. Everyone else was lying face down in the snow. What snow? Oh ya I forgot to mention that after a heated argument about where to go, the fellowboat of the trinket had decided it best to face the outerwordly cold of 'The Pass.'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You dare laugh at 'The Pass.'?????????? Where many a brave adventurer hath , well adventured??????? Anyway.... Gandalf stuggled, but try as he may, he couldn't get out of the ropes so he decided that death could wait for his friends if the only other option for him was freezing/ starving/ heck just dying so he revived everyone with his ring of power, not The One Ring, but heck still a ring of power so who really cares? (Which nobody knows he has) (Really I'm serious! He does have one in the book!!) Soooo, every stumbles awake zombie style but gets better due to the boyscouts amazing skill with a second aid kit. Gandlf also revives a warg ( with a pink bow) to match his slippers. No, don't worry the warg put aside his devilish past and became a first class seeing eye warg. (Applaus! Applaus!) Everyone continued to walk up the mountain. Fun! They were passed quite a few times by Swedish skiers, and got really cheesed because They were moving all of 1 mile a day. The boy scout and the archer began talking really loud and causing avalanches which really annoyed everyone else. Later on the hike/ walk/ climb/ again why do I even bother, the archer and the boyscout fell off the mountain. Poor guys. Hey wait a minute!.................... I suspect fowl play! Yes FOWL play!( now isn't that a witty use of the screwed up English language?! Stupid homophones making life harder for us already hard-worked people!!!!) Yes they were attacked by crebana banana birds with coconuts tied to their legs which they swung around whacking people with! *Gasp* Evil. Gandalf revived legless (with legs so I guess we can't call him legless anymore) he revived Legolas who shot all of the birds with his awesome elf aim and the fellowboat enjoyed a good meal of roasted crabana banana birds and coconut milk. Everything had to be died green before IAMSAM even thought about eating, and Legolas woudn't eat it because it was serverd on a leaf (I'm the bloody Prince of freakin' Jerkwood and you serve me my dinner on a LEAF??????!!!!!!! (They had to explain the concept of lemonbas before he even thought of eating either. (If the Queen of Lothlorien eats of a leaf it'll probably be good enough for me.)
One concept all you smart people should be considering is 'Where did they get leaves? They are at the top of a mountain! Snow! Too cold for vegetation other than lichen! Jeeze these authors are stupid!'
Well for your information, Ahem: 'WE ARE NOT STUPID! Thankyou' The leaves are Frodo's. (Do you think a chain pipeweed smoker would go anywhere with an entire pack of pipe weed? A WEED!!!!!! Like a plant! With leaves
There now that that is all cleaned up, we'll get back on topic.
The Fellowboat continued up the trecherous slopes. Keeping an eye out for Boromir's suicide attempts. (Have you ever thought of how many chances a guy like him has on a mountain like that? So as you can imagine they got a little feed up. So fed up in fact that they paged Galadriel who came with a gang of here gothic friends in black lab coats and coaxed Boromir into one of those pretty jackets, the 'staight' ones. Then they put him on one of those anti-gravitational trolleys from Star Wars (you know the ones that just sort of, well... float!) Elf magic. Ask them not me!) Suddenly Legolas called a halt and got killed and brought back by Gandalf (Again) 'I give the Orders here elf!!!!' he shouted in Legolas' ear. Legolas pouted the rest of that day. The next morning in the middle of a massive blizzard (you know the one's you can buy at Dairy Queen! (a-dude! A-dude!) This one was, ummmm..... yes? Oh thankyou Gimme. It was Smarties. One of the extra thick ones, so visibility was poor, and moving was almost impossible.
'There is a fell voice on the air!' Cried out Legolas 'It's Saruman!!!!!!!!!' yelled Gandalf looking to his wrist for a non- existent wristwatch. 'He should be having his shower about now.' He explained to the clueless looks everyone was giving him.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Now, in the movie, Saruman tries to dump a mountain on them, but here he thought 'heck! Why waste perfectly good icecream?' So he went along with his daily routine of his shower and manicure, pedicure, you know, the whole work with orcs in maid outfits, high-heeled shoes, curly wigs and bonnets. This was a form of torture for the orcs. You know, to raise disipline. Oh, and the torture wasn't the outfits, it was the fact that the orcs couldn't stand Saruman's singing! And coincidentally, neither could the fellowboat so they headed to the door that would bring them inside the mountain that would hopefully deaden or at least dull the sound of Saruman's voice. (picture a cat in a trash can getting run over by an eighteen wheeler in need of a muffler job. Ya. He's that bad!)
So thus begins 'The Quest for The Holy Balrog!!!!!!' (On to Morilot!)