Chapter 6: The Quest For The Holy Balrog!
The Fellowboat, now consisting of Frodo, IAMSAM, Dopey, Merry, Gandalf the Pink, Boromir (on a trolley being pushed by Galadriel), Gimme and Legolas, made for the door in good time. Gandalf saw Frodo's lips moving and took out his earplugs (They had gotten them at Sauron's Convinience Store. A cute little shop in the shape of an eye at the side of the road. Gandalf had found them outlandishly expensive, but worth the peace and quiet from Saruman's singing.) 'I'm sorry.' Gandalf said 'Please repeat that.' 'I said,' said a very annoyed Frodo, 'that-' 'No time for that now.' Replied Gandalf, wincing as Saruman hit a perticularly off key note. 'It can wait.' Gandalf replaced his ear plugs. Frodo sulked and began to shoot nasty looks at Gandalf's back in between puffs of his pipe.
Back in Isenkart (home of the best Go-Kart track in all of Inthemiddle Earth) Saruman had just finished his shower and had just sat down with a double decaf latte with mocha sprinkles in one hand, and a Wizard Weekly magazine, (imported from Hogwarts) in the other. 'Time for my manicure' he thought.
Due to something known as ESP (AKA: Extra Stinky Person) Gandalf knew the second Saruman stopped singing and motioned for everyone to take out their earplugs. 'We're almost there!' Merry exclaimed pointing to a neon sign that was flashing the words 'Morilot: home of King Ballin'-his-eyes-out and the dwarves of the semi-round table.'
Everyone keeps walking, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, (I guess those stupid dwarves thought that the sign didn't have to be situated anywhere close to the actual spot. GRRRRR! They don't deserve to be thought of as an intelligent species) (which they aren't) (hehehe)
So eventually, (after quite a few detours, what is it with men and asking directions? Jeeze! They need a woman in the Fellowboat!) SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.................. There it was. The door. In the middle of nowhere surounded by rocks on one side, water on one side, rocks on another side, and stinky, dirty filthy water full of mutated sea bass (That are angry) on the last side. Gandalf called hello, and approached the door and started reading the elvish inscription over the top (don't dwarves live here? If so why does Frodo need the Elvish word for friend? Why not dwarfish? Oh well we'll never know. Tolkien is dead. *sniffle*). It read 'please hang up, and try your call again. Gandalf, having no Idea what this ment at all, hung himself from the ankles and called hello again. It didn't work. Suddenly (from all the blood rushing to his head) Gandalf had another amnesia attack and ran off screaming about getting a new pair of bifocals. Now that takes the brains (however demented) from the Fellowboat, so everyone sat doing nothing until Happy and Dopey started chuking rocks at the mutated octopus in the lake and Rich Uncle Pennybags ( the Monopoly guy) popped out of the water and sent everyone to the restrooms. They got pissed off. Get it Rest rooms? Pissed? HA ha ha ha ha ha ......... ahem sorry. Gimme caused a revelation when he started complaining. 'I'm hungry! Give me a melon!' Miraculously the doors opened up and Gandalf popped out with a LARGE pair of glasses that made his eyes look about as large as the melon that Gimme gulped down in record time. Uncle pennybags starts throwing monopoly houses at them and drags Frodo away so Legolas has to shoot him. Darn. There goes a long-loved board-game idol. Inside the dark cave they're all happy, Legolas pulls an arrow out of a dwarf corps and gives us his famous line 'GOOBLINS!' Yes gooblins, only they turn out to be orcs. ???????????? I really don't want to know where this story is going. Boromir got really happy and sat down and began to play tic-tac-to in the dust. I guess all the havoc was like a breath of fresh air for the maniac!The fellowboat faced many a challenge on 'the long dark of Morilot'. During their quest for the Holy Balrog!
Due to Happy, Dopey, IAMSAM and Frodo having such short legs, they can't climb the stairs (make by dwarves with bobbit size legs, for dwarves with bobbit sized legs. See? This is definitely an unintelligent species!) so everyone takes turn carrying them, even Gimme, who's legs are the same size as the Bobbit's (weird how things work out huh!) so they all die of exhaustion ecxept the Bobbit's who run off with Gandalf's staff, trip (because it's so long) and break it, so they all put together their life's savings and buy a new one from Sauron's Convinience Store, and give the remains of the old staff to the mutated octopus as a sorry gift for throwing rocks out and the mutated octopus (pause for breath) zaps the rest of the fellowboat back to life, so it all works out in the long run!
The fellowboat is completely unaware of their little rondevouz with the grim reaper, so no one is the wiser about the broken staff, although Gandalf couldn't quite seem to figure out why his staff didn't light up anymore, but he ran back and bought some AA batteries (again at Sauron's Convenience store. Wow that store is convenient!!!!) and everything was better. They ran into a delema when Gandalf's slippers couldn't decide which way to go, so the Fellowboat stayed there until the slippers remembered. Next, Dopey and Happy decide to play hide-and-go-seek in that giant room with all of the pillars. It takes almost a day to find them, and Gandalf grounds them from pipe weed for a week as punishment. Boromir is a giant problem for the Fellowboat. You see, remember how we were explaining to you about the mountain being bad because it was encouraging Boromir to jump off? Well, this place was even worse. Even Galadriel got fed up and put him in a potato sack for gandalf to levitate infront of him and then left for Lothlorien. (Because her part of the story is coming soon (to a theatre near you). There was also the incident in which Frodo found out that they were being followed by Curious George and got really scared and fell off a cliff. Frodo fell a good distance before he fell ontop of the sleeping Balrog and was burned to a cinder. (Gandalf had so much trouble reviving him that time that he killed Frodo as soon as he was better and brought him back with some regret. As an example to the others. You see the Fellowboat was lucky, they could walk around dying. Well they could! If Gandalf was in a good mood and wanted to bring them back.. (Frodo was unlucky. Even if he dies on the quest Gandalf will bring him back to life so he has to finish the quest to mail the ring and go into Lessdoor all by himself and....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! Poor Frodo never gets to die, well, as author of this story I think I can change that, a bit, a lot, HAHA! KILL FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah! Sorry. Schizophrenic personality you know. Like Curious George and Gollum.
At last the day arrived when the fellowship neared the end of their quest. They entered through a big wood door, into a big stone room, with a big stone tomb, with a big fossilized dwarf in it, and well, you get the point. Gimme started to cry and kneeled at the edge of Ballin'-my-eyes-out's tomb. Dopey sat down on the edge of a well and started a staring contest with a cobwebby corps. The corps lost. Gandalf kicke the head off one of the dead things and yanked a book (and the hands) off another. 'Stupid dwarves!' he mumbled 'They should learn better housekeeping.' Gandalf opened the book and started to read aloud.
'Once upon a time in the steamy jungle, there lived a little Python named Monty. He earned his living by working in a flying circus.......'
'Wrong book!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf bellowed and chucked it at Dopey's head, knocking him into the well
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!
'Flying circus!!!' Gandalf thought 'What a stupid concept.' Again Gandalf ripped a book (and the hands) off a dead dwarf and again began to read aloud.
'They have sealed off the outer gate and bridge. Banjos! Banjos in the deep. We cannot get out!! We cannot get out!! They are coming.............'
'Well that's just peachy!' said Gandalf chucking the book at Boromir's face who made no attempt to move out of the way. It might have killed him too if IAMSAM hadn't pulled out a baseball bat and hit it back into Gandalf's stomach. Gandalf kicked it back at IAMSAM and knocked him unconcious. Happy smiled as if to say 'What about Dopey?'
(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! !!)
'I've got it. I've got it' snarled Gandalf. 'Man!' he thought 'Can't these guys do anything for themselves?' Gandalf levitated Dopey back up and sat him down on the edge. 'Fool of a Took!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf screamed into his ear. 'Throw someone else in next time to rid us of their stupidity!!' 'Boromir raised his hand 'OOOOOO!!!! OOOOOOOO! Pick me!! Pick me Dopey!' Dopey ran into a corner to cry and Gimme joined him. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Boromir figured that since he was being ignored he would do it himself. He lunged for the well's mouth and jerked back as legolas grabbed his feet. 'Not yet you fool!' Legolas explained. Boromir kept struggling and managed to knock the staring contest loser into the well.
BAAAAAAAAANG CLAAAAAAANG CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH (AHHHHHHHHHH)
Twang!
Everyone stared at Gandalf.
Twang. TWAAAnng!
"ORCS!!!!!!!! Fool of a Boromir! Why don't you throw yourself in next time to rid us of your stupidity????!!!?!?!?!?!?' 'That's what I was trying to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Wailed Boromir 'But he stopped me!!!!!!!!!!!!' Boromir pointed an accusing finger at legolas. 'Yah!' Legolas retorted! 'You have to die later in the movie!!!!!!! How many times do we have to tell you that?' 'At least once more stupid elf!' Boromir screamed as he scrambled towards the well mouth. 'YOU HAVE TO DIE LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Legolas bellowed and kicked Boromir in the face. 'NO!' screamed Boromir 'YES!' screamed Legolas NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! Gandalf got so annoyed that he stuck fireworks down Boromir's pants and left him to run around screaming and trying to beat out the flames.
TWAAAANG TWANG!
Legolas stuck his head out the door and barely missed becoming attached to it as two arrows zipped by his face and embedded themselves into the wood of the door. He jerked back inside and barred the door with dead guys' axes and yelled 'They have a cave mole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' *Gasp!!!!!!!!!!* 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!' Yelled Gandalf 'This is going to be a tough fight! Gimme! You crybaby get out of the corner! Dopey! You to! Draw your weapons everyone! Boromir! Not that kind of draw! Get rid of that paper and pen! Grab your sword. Happy! Get that stupid grin off your face this is a fight to the death!!!!!!! Happy grinned as if to say 'Yes sir! Right away sir!' Grandalf held back the urge to skewer Happy with the thought that he would need everyone (however incapable to hold a sword) in this fight 'I'm surrounded by idiots!' he mumbled 'You there Frodo! Wake up HEISSAM!! Frodo walked over to IAMSAM and shook him. IAMSAM didn't wake up. Frodo kicked IAMSAM. IAMSAM didn't wake up. Frodo was suddenly subject to an epiphany he grabbed a bar of chocolate and shoved it all into IAMSAM's mouth. IAMSAM flew up into a sitting position and bashed his head against Frodo's face. They were both out like lights. IAMSAM with a bleeding skul and Frodo with a face a lovely hue of purple, and a nose the size of an apple. Gandalf zapped them both back to conciousness, and the banjos got louder.
TTTTTWWWWWAANNNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'IAMSAM!!!' Gandalf moaned 'Draw- I mean pull out your sword!' 'Beggin' your pardon Gandalf sir' IAMSAM began 'but I ain't got no such sword thingy, with me. Dangerous lot they are!' 'Well then improvise!' Gandalf screeched 'Why be be needen one of them swords anyways master frodo?' Asked IAMSAM. Suddenly the door burst open and a flood of orcs rushed into the room. 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!' screamed IAMSAM pulling a pair of collapsible frying pans from his back pocket.
And the battle began. 100 against 5 ½!!!!!!!!!!! (Gandalf=1, Boromir=1, Legolas=1, Happy+Dopey=1, Frodo+IAMSAM=1, Gimme= ½ ) Then the cave mole sloped into the room. A hideous 5 ton creature covered in chartreuse coloured fur, with a snout a metre long ending in a blue light bulb the size of a watermelon. It lumbered along on sixteen and a half feet, and had a tail in the shape of Tschaikowski's head. THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It started to play peek-a-boo with Frodo and then stabbed him with a carrot! But it died of old age right before it could consume the fellow boat. The orcs kept coming, yet due to some celestial notion all of them survived and they killed all of the orcs.
Legolas rushed over to Frodo and was amazed to see him sit up. 'You should be dead!' Legolas exclaimed 'That carrot would have killed a wild rhino!' (Why he used a rhino I don't know) 'Ooooooooooowwwww...' moaned Frodo 'My spleen hurts! And I don't even know what that is!'
Frodo yanked open his shirt and everyone stared in wonder at a tin foil mail coat (That Frodo had received in a cereal box.) 'Tinril!' exclaimed Gandalf! 'That shirt is enough to buy the entire shower!' 'I got it in a cereal box' confessed Frodo. 'It was called Millionaire Munchies, but I couldn't figure out why. It didn't cost a million dollars, and it definetley didn't taste like a million dollars, so I guess they were referring to the cereal box prize!' 'Tinril!' Muttered Gimme in awe. 'Gimme!' 'Noo!'Frodo yelled as Gimme began to try and rip his tinril coat off. 'Down Gimme! Bad Boy! Gimme! Stop! Down! Heel!' Frodo punched Gimme in the face and he went to go cry in a corner again.
Twwwwwaaaaaaaaaang!!
'More orcs!' exclaimed Frodo 'There are more???????????????' 'Oh! I forgot to mention.' Admitted Gandalf. 'This place is crawling with 'em me'boy!' 'I don't think that my pans can last through another round! Gandalf Sir!' explained IAMSAM 'Good.' Muttered Gandalf. 'Beggn' your pardon sir?' IAMSAM said 'I said 'Neither can my sword so let's run away!' 'Like cowards?' Exclaimed Legolas? 'Well you know what they say-' began Dopey but Gandalf interrupted him 'The moronic elf who runs away lives to be a moronic elf another day. Now MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf bellowed kicking Legolas in the butt to make him run. 'This won't look good on my resume!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Muttered Legolas as he ran for his dear life. Suddenly orcs popped out of nowhere and surrounded the fellowboat. What could they do? 1,000,000 to 5 ½? Nooooo! Hang in there Frodo!!!!!
Booooooooooommmm!
All of a sudden the orcs all died of fright. (I need to congratulate whoever makes their pacemakers!)
An eerie glow appeared in the hallway.
'Gentlemen, our quest is at an end.' Proclaimed Gandalf 'We have found the Holy Balrog!!!!!
Duh duh duh......
The Fellowboat, now consisting of Frodo, IAMSAM, Dopey, Merry, Gandalf the Pink, Boromir (on a trolley being pushed by Galadriel), Gimme and Legolas, made for the door in good time. Gandalf saw Frodo's lips moving and took out his earplugs (They had gotten them at Sauron's Convinience Store. A cute little shop in the shape of an eye at the side of the road. Gandalf had found them outlandishly expensive, but worth the peace and quiet from Saruman's singing.) 'I'm sorry.' Gandalf said 'Please repeat that.' 'I said,' said a very annoyed Frodo, 'that-' 'No time for that now.' Replied Gandalf, wincing as Saruman hit a perticularly off key note. 'It can wait.' Gandalf replaced his ear plugs. Frodo sulked and began to shoot nasty looks at Gandalf's back in between puffs of his pipe.
Back in Isenkart (home of the best Go-Kart track in all of Inthemiddle Earth) Saruman had just finished his shower and had just sat down with a double decaf latte with mocha sprinkles in one hand, and a Wizard Weekly magazine, (imported from Hogwarts) in the other. 'Time for my manicure' he thought.
Due to something known as ESP (AKA: Extra Stinky Person) Gandalf knew the second Saruman stopped singing and motioned for everyone to take out their earplugs. 'We're almost there!' Merry exclaimed pointing to a neon sign that was flashing the words 'Morilot: home of King Ballin'-his-eyes-out and the dwarves of the semi-round table.'
Everyone keeps walking, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, and walking some more, (I guess those stupid dwarves thought that the sign didn't have to be situated anywhere close to the actual spot. GRRRRR! They don't deserve to be thought of as an intelligent species) (which they aren't) (hehehe)
So eventually, (after quite a few detours, what is it with men and asking directions? Jeeze! They need a woman in the Fellowboat!) SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.................. There it was. The door. In the middle of nowhere surounded by rocks on one side, water on one side, rocks on another side, and stinky, dirty filthy water full of mutated sea bass (That are angry) on the last side. Gandalf called hello, and approached the door and started reading the elvish inscription over the top (don't dwarves live here? If so why does Frodo need the Elvish word for friend? Why not dwarfish? Oh well we'll never know. Tolkien is dead. *sniffle*). It read 'please hang up, and try your call again. Gandalf, having no Idea what this ment at all, hung himself from the ankles and called hello again. It didn't work. Suddenly (from all the blood rushing to his head) Gandalf had another amnesia attack and ran off screaming about getting a new pair of bifocals. Now that takes the brains (however demented) from the Fellowboat, so everyone sat doing nothing until Happy and Dopey started chuking rocks at the mutated octopus in the lake and Rich Uncle Pennybags ( the Monopoly guy) popped out of the water and sent everyone to the restrooms. They got pissed off. Get it Rest rooms? Pissed? HA ha ha ha ha ha ......... ahem sorry. Gimme caused a revelation when he started complaining. 'I'm hungry! Give me a melon!' Miraculously the doors opened up and Gandalf popped out with a LARGE pair of glasses that made his eyes look about as large as the melon that Gimme gulped down in record time. Uncle pennybags starts throwing monopoly houses at them and drags Frodo away so Legolas has to shoot him. Darn. There goes a long-loved board-game idol. Inside the dark cave they're all happy, Legolas pulls an arrow out of a dwarf corps and gives us his famous line 'GOOBLINS!' Yes gooblins, only they turn out to be orcs. ???????????? I really don't want to know where this story is going. Boromir got really happy and sat down and began to play tic-tac-to in the dust. I guess all the havoc was like a breath of fresh air for the maniac!The fellowboat faced many a challenge on 'the long dark of Morilot'. During their quest for the Holy Balrog!
Due to Happy, Dopey, IAMSAM and Frodo having such short legs, they can't climb the stairs (make by dwarves with bobbit size legs, for dwarves with bobbit sized legs. See? This is definitely an unintelligent species!) so everyone takes turn carrying them, even Gimme, who's legs are the same size as the Bobbit's (weird how things work out huh!) so they all die of exhaustion ecxept the Bobbit's who run off with Gandalf's staff, trip (because it's so long) and break it, so they all put together their life's savings and buy a new one from Sauron's Convinience Store, and give the remains of the old staff to the mutated octopus as a sorry gift for throwing rocks out and the mutated octopus (pause for breath) zaps the rest of the fellowboat back to life, so it all works out in the long run!
The fellowboat is completely unaware of their little rondevouz with the grim reaper, so no one is the wiser about the broken staff, although Gandalf couldn't quite seem to figure out why his staff didn't light up anymore, but he ran back and bought some AA batteries (again at Sauron's Convenience store. Wow that store is convenient!!!!) and everything was better. They ran into a delema when Gandalf's slippers couldn't decide which way to go, so the Fellowboat stayed there until the slippers remembered. Next, Dopey and Happy decide to play hide-and-go-seek in that giant room with all of the pillars. It takes almost a day to find them, and Gandalf grounds them from pipe weed for a week as punishment. Boromir is a giant problem for the Fellowboat. You see, remember how we were explaining to you about the mountain being bad because it was encouraging Boromir to jump off? Well, this place was even worse. Even Galadriel got fed up and put him in a potato sack for gandalf to levitate infront of him and then left for Lothlorien. (Because her part of the story is coming soon (to a theatre near you). There was also the incident in which Frodo found out that they were being followed by Curious George and got really scared and fell off a cliff. Frodo fell a good distance before he fell ontop of the sleeping Balrog and was burned to a cinder. (Gandalf had so much trouble reviving him that time that he killed Frodo as soon as he was better and brought him back with some regret. As an example to the others. You see the Fellowboat was lucky, they could walk around dying. Well they could! If Gandalf was in a good mood and wanted to bring them back.. (Frodo was unlucky. Even if he dies on the quest Gandalf will bring him back to life so he has to finish the quest to mail the ring and go into Lessdoor all by himself and....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! Poor Frodo never gets to die, well, as author of this story I think I can change that, a bit, a lot, HAHA! KILL FRODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah! Sorry. Schizophrenic personality you know. Like Curious George and Gollum.
At last the day arrived when the fellowship neared the end of their quest. They entered through a big wood door, into a big stone room, with a big stone tomb, with a big fossilized dwarf in it, and well, you get the point. Gimme started to cry and kneeled at the edge of Ballin'-my-eyes-out's tomb. Dopey sat down on the edge of a well and started a staring contest with a cobwebby corps. The corps lost. Gandalf kicke the head off one of the dead things and yanked a book (and the hands) off another. 'Stupid dwarves!' he mumbled 'They should learn better housekeeping.' Gandalf opened the book and started to read aloud.
'Once upon a time in the steamy jungle, there lived a little Python named Monty. He earned his living by working in a flying circus.......'
'Wrong book!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf bellowed and chucked it at Dopey's head, knocking him into the well
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!
'Flying circus!!!' Gandalf thought 'What a stupid concept.' Again Gandalf ripped a book (and the hands) off a dead dwarf and again began to read aloud.
'They have sealed off the outer gate and bridge. Banjos! Banjos in the deep. We cannot get out!! We cannot get out!! They are coming.............'
'Well that's just peachy!' said Gandalf chucking the book at Boromir's face who made no attempt to move out of the way. It might have killed him too if IAMSAM hadn't pulled out a baseball bat and hit it back into Gandalf's stomach. Gandalf kicked it back at IAMSAM and knocked him unconcious. Happy smiled as if to say 'What about Dopey?'
(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! !!)
'I've got it. I've got it' snarled Gandalf. 'Man!' he thought 'Can't these guys do anything for themselves?' Gandalf levitated Dopey back up and sat him down on the edge. 'Fool of a Took!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf screamed into his ear. 'Throw someone else in next time to rid us of their stupidity!!' 'Boromir raised his hand 'OOOOOO!!!! OOOOOOOO! Pick me!! Pick me Dopey!' Dopey ran into a corner to cry and Gimme joined him. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Boromir figured that since he was being ignored he would do it himself. He lunged for the well's mouth and jerked back as legolas grabbed his feet. 'Not yet you fool!' Legolas explained. Boromir kept struggling and managed to knock the staring contest loser into the well.
BAAAAAAAAANG CLAAAAAAANG CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH (AHHHHHHHHHH)
Twang!
Everyone stared at Gandalf.
Twang. TWAAAnng!
"ORCS!!!!!!!! Fool of a Boromir! Why don't you throw yourself in next time to rid us of your stupidity????!!!?!?!?!?!?' 'That's what I was trying to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Wailed Boromir 'But he stopped me!!!!!!!!!!!!' Boromir pointed an accusing finger at legolas. 'Yah!' Legolas retorted! 'You have to die later in the movie!!!!!!! How many times do we have to tell you that?' 'At least once more stupid elf!' Boromir screamed as he scrambled towards the well mouth. 'YOU HAVE TO DIE LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Legolas bellowed and kicked Boromir in the face. 'NO!' screamed Boromir 'YES!' screamed Legolas NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! YES! NO! Gandalf got so annoyed that he stuck fireworks down Boromir's pants and left him to run around screaming and trying to beat out the flames.
TWAAAANG TWANG!
Legolas stuck his head out the door and barely missed becoming attached to it as two arrows zipped by his face and embedded themselves into the wood of the door. He jerked back inside and barred the door with dead guys' axes and yelled 'They have a cave mole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' *Gasp!!!!!!!!!!* 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!' Yelled Gandalf 'This is going to be a tough fight! Gimme! You crybaby get out of the corner! Dopey! You to! Draw your weapons everyone! Boromir! Not that kind of draw! Get rid of that paper and pen! Grab your sword. Happy! Get that stupid grin off your face this is a fight to the death!!!!!!! Happy grinned as if to say 'Yes sir! Right away sir!' Grandalf held back the urge to skewer Happy with the thought that he would need everyone (however incapable to hold a sword) in this fight 'I'm surrounded by idiots!' he mumbled 'You there Frodo! Wake up HEISSAM!! Frodo walked over to IAMSAM and shook him. IAMSAM didn't wake up. Frodo kicked IAMSAM. IAMSAM didn't wake up. Frodo was suddenly subject to an epiphany he grabbed a bar of chocolate and shoved it all into IAMSAM's mouth. IAMSAM flew up into a sitting position and bashed his head against Frodo's face. They were both out like lights. IAMSAM with a bleeding skul and Frodo with a face a lovely hue of purple, and a nose the size of an apple. Gandalf zapped them both back to conciousness, and the banjos got louder.
TTTTTWWWWWAANNNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'IAMSAM!!!' Gandalf moaned 'Draw- I mean pull out your sword!' 'Beggin' your pardon Gandalf sir' IAMSAM began 'but I ain't got no such sword thingy, with me. Dangerous lot they are!' 'Well then improvise!' Gandalf screeched 'Why be be needen one of them swords anyways master frodo?' Asked IAMSAM. Suddenly the door burst open and a flood of orcs rushed into the room. 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!' screamed IAMSAM pulling a pair of collapsible frying pans from his back pocket.
And the battle began. 100 against 5 ½!!!!!!!!!!! (Gandalf=1, Boromir=1, Legolas=1, Happy+Dopey=1, Frodo+IAMSAM=1, Gimme= ½ ) Then the cave mole sloped into the room. A hideous 5 ton creature covered in chartreuse coloured fur, with a snout a metre long ending in a blue light bulb the size of a watermelon. It lumbered along on sixteen and a half feet, and had a tail in the shape of Tschaikowski's head. THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It started to play peek-a-boo with Frodo and then stabbed him with a carrot! But it died of old age right before it could consume the fellow boat. The orcs kept coming, yet due to some celestial notion all of them survived and they killed all of the orcs.
Legolas rushed over to Frodo and was amazed to see him sit up. 'You should be dead!' Legolas exclaimed 'That carrot would have killed a wild rhino!' (Why he used a rhino I don't know) 'Ooooooooooowwwww...' moaned Frodo 'My spleen hurts! And I don't even know what that is!'
Frodo yanked open his shirt and everyone stared in wonder at a tin foil mail coat (That Frodo had received in a cereal box.) 'Tinril!' exclaimed Gandalf! 'That shirt is enough to buy the entire shower!' 'I got it in a cereal box' confessed Frodo. 'It was called Millionaire Munchies, but I couldn't figure out why. It didn't cost a million dollars, and it definetley didn't taste like a million dollars, so I guess they were referring to the cereal box prize!' 'Tinril!' Muttered Gimme in awe. 'Gimme!' 'Noo!'Frodo yelled as Gimme began to try and rip his tinril coat off. 'Down Gimme! Bad Boy! Gimme! Stop! Down! Heel!' Frodo punched Gimme in the face and he went to go cry in a corner again.
Twwwwwaaaaaaaaaang!!
'More orcs!' exclaimed Frodo 'There are more???????????????' 'Oh! I forgot to mention.' Admitted Gandalf. 'This place is crawling with 'em me'boy!' 'I don't think that my pans can last through another round! Gandalf Sir!' explained IAMSAM 'Good.' Muttered Gandalf. 'Beggn' your pardon sir?' IAMSAM said 'I said 'Neither can my sword so let's run away!' 'Like cowards?' Exclaimed Legolas? 'Well you know what they say-' began Dopey but Gandalf interrupted him 'The moronic elf who runs away lives to be a moronic elf another day. Now MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Gandalf bellowed kicking Legolas in the butt to make him run. 'This won't look good on my resume!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Muttered Legolas as he ran for his dear life. Suddenly orcs popped out of nowhere and surrounded the fellowboat. What could they do? 1,000,000 to 5 ½? Nooooo! Hang in there Frodo!!!!!
Booooooooooommmm!
All of a sudden the orcs all died of fright. (I need to congratulate whoever makes their pacemakers!)
An eerie glow appeared in the hallway.
'Gentlemen, our quest is at an end.' Proclaimed Gandalf 'We have found the Holy Balrog!!!!!
Duh duh duh......