Chapter 6 Pain is Love
Walking through the hallways was like, being a brand new statue it times square for Harry. Every student seemed to stare, point and whisper while around him. Giving him sad looks and smiling at him sympathetically. Harry could have spat in there face and shoved them away so easily it scared him. He hated their compassion for him, their knowing about his situation, and what danger he had achieved for himself the previous year. Like Dumbledore said in his first year when finding the sorcerers stone, it was all kept very well under wraps so naturally the whole school knew.
In the library Harry studied for Potions knowing if he wanted to pursue being an Auror, he had to pass Professor Snapes class with flying colors. For some reason though, when it came to Potions Harry just didn't give a damn.
"Hello Harry." a sweet voice from in front of Harry said.
Harry looked up from the book and piece of parchment he had been hunched over and slid his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. In front of him stood Hermione with her books pulled close to her chest. She looked around uncomfortably and bit her lips.
Then she blurted out, "Can I sit with you? All the other tables are taken, and I have to study for Ancient Runes."
"Yes Hermione." Harry chuckled a bit nervously himself. "You may sit here at my table."
She sat down and shifted in her seat across from him. He hadn't spoken to her or even hardly seen her since the day in his bedroom where he completely indirectly bombarded her emotional state. He still hadn't been able to apologize. And it was killing him.
He nervously looked up at her after writing some notes down for a few minutes to find her burring herself into her Ancient Runes book. She had a sparkle in her eyes as she seemed terribly fascinated by the words she was reading. Harry didn't find the class very entertaining but it was a breeze.
"Hermione?". Hermione lifted her head quickly towards Harry and nodded while gulping very hard, and very loudly. Harry even heard it as it echoed in her throat.
"Why are you hurting yourself?" she squeezed out quickly under her voice.
Harry froze in his seat. He looked around at everyone else in the library, and was relieved to find them all chatting quietly, or busy with their studies. He himself gulped nervously at Hermione's question. He felt enraged by it, and saddened at the same time. Looking back at Hermione, he saw her eyes glittering in tears, and her bottom lip trembling. Suddenly his heart lightened and then weighed back down again in guilt.
"I didn't want to bring it up. I know I have no right. But I can't anymore Harry." he blubbered as she pulled her hands into her lap and looked down at them. "Why Harry?" she cried a little louder this time.
Rising his head around once more he found a few on lookers looking directly at Hermione and him. He looked at Hermione and then back at them. He grabbed his bag and shoved his stuff inside it and grabbed Hermione's book at back pack as well. Hermione started to cry opening, raising her hands to her face, to hide it. Harry bent down and wrapped his free arm around her shoulders.
"Come on Hermione. Let's get out of here." he coaxed her, off of the bench, and out of the library, hushing her with promises of everything being okay.
Hermione buried her head into Harry's shoulder as they made their way outside, passed people who looked towards the hysterical Hermione very concerned. They made their way down towards the end of campus grounds and sat under the willow trees along side of a tiny creek. Harry set the things in the bend of the tree as they sat on the ground, along with the enormous roots.
After a while Hermione stopped crying enough so she could apologize, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down like that."
Harry shook his head and forced himself to get, "Its okay." out.
"I'm.... Worried Harry. And not to mention terrified." she told him as she looked at him with her big brown eyes.
He felt his stomach sink a few feet down into his legs, and suddenly he felt like he was fighting for oxygen. He bent his head and rubbed his eyes, feeling so exhausted out of the blue.
"It's not very easy to explain." he said not wanting to look at her. Not wanting to see her usually at ease face, dripping with sadness.
From out the corner of his eye he saw her nod her head. After a few moments of silence, Hermione started picking twigs up from the ground, and cracked them into tiny pieces.
"Can I see them?" Hermione spat out.
Harry turned to her shocked. Shocked by how forward she was with the question. He didn't know if he could show her. He didn't know if he'd be okay with her seeing the markings of his punishment for living in this world, and ruining the lives of the ones who truly deserved it. In the back of his head, he seemed to hate her and everyone else for not having the gift of death like he did. Either Kill or be Killed. So said the prophecy.
He nodded and pulled his sleeve up reluctantly and showed her the still oozing cuts. She shrunk back when seeing the first aid bandages soaked through with blood. He squirmed in his seat a little too, feeling terrible that he showed her them before he changed the bandages. Then her bottom lip started to tremble again.
"Hey, it's not that bad." Harry reassured her.
She swallowed the imaginary lump in her throat and forced out, "You did it again."
He nodded and closed his eyes very hard trying to imagine himself somewhere else, somewhere where he doesn't have to feel bad or hide constantly.
She whispered, "Why?"
Harry looked up into her eyes and shook his head, "I don't know." Feeling so disgusted with himself, not being able the give Hermione a reason for his intentional pain. A couple tears fell down her cheeks, and he felt the pain in his body from his torment hiss even louder than the pain of his arms.
"It wasn't your fault Harry. It will never be your fault." she said as she slowly stood up onto her feet. She walked over to him and kneeled in front of him, taking his arm into her small hands.
She leaned down and softly kissed the dry part of his arm, and touched it delicately with her hand. she looked back up into his eyes and whispered, " Your secrets are safe with me Harry. No one will know. I promise."
"I know." Harry turned from her when he felt the pain in his turning stomach heave even harder against his will. He looked around for an escape and found his back pack, and lunged for it, gripping it in his fist as he stood abruptly.
"I have to get back to the library soon. I have a lot of studying to do." he chuckled nervously, and turned on his heel heading towards the School Entrance.
Only a few moments later, to Harry's dissatisfaction Hermione caught up to him. She shouted his name from behind him, and grabbed his shoulder. He spun around willingly and threw his back pack over his shoulder. He started to feel angry towards her for not letting it go. For not just leaving him at the side of the road, like he wanted.
"I love you Harry." Hermione wheezed out after running all the way up the large hill to catch up with him.
Harry stood stunned in his shoes. He wanted to run away, he wanted to take the fastest plane out of there so he didn't have to feel this. He didn't want to feel this. He started to feel like his inner organs were losing control. The pain was excruciating.
"We all love you." she added. She looked so desperate. So desperate to bring him back to reality.
Harry looked down at the ground and bit his lip as he felt his throat start to burn, and his nose plug up. "I love you too."
She smiled at him for a moment with a high beam smile, and went to hug him, but he backed away. He started shaking his head and cursed. Then he took off towards the Hogwarts Castle, at a speed Hermione could never catch up to him in.
Walking through the hallways was like, being a brand new statue it times square for Harry. Every student seemed to stare, point and whisper while around him. Giving him sad looks and smiling at him sympathetically. Harry could have spat in there face and shoved them away so easily it scared him. He hated their compassion for him, their knowing about his situation, and what danger he had achieved for himself the previous year. Like Dumbledore said in his first year when finding the sorcerers stone, it was all kept very well under wraps so naturally the whole school knew.
In the library Harry studied for Potions knowing if he wanted to pursue being an Auror, he had to pass Professor Snapes class with flying colors. For some reason though, when it came to Potions Harry just didn't give a damn.
"Hello Harry." a sweet voice from in front of Harry said.
Harry looked up from the book and piece of parchment he had been hunched over and slid his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. In front of him stood Hermione with her books pulled close to her chest. She looked around uncomfortably and bit her lips.
Then she blurted out, "Can I sit with you? All the other tables are taken, and I have to study for Ancient Runes."
"Yes Hermione." Harry chuckled a bit nervously himself. "You may sit here at my table."
She sat down and shifted in her seat across from him. He hadn't spoken to her or even hardly seen her since the day in his bedroom where he completely indirectly bombarded her emotional state. He still hadn't been able to apologize. And it was killing him.
He nervously looked up at her after writing some notes down for a few minutes to find her burring herself into her Ancient Runes book. She had a sparkle in her eyes as she seemed terribly fascinated by the words she was reading. Harry didn't find the class very entertaining but it was a breeze.
"Hermione?". Hermione lifted her head quickly towards Harry and nodded while gulping very hard, and very loudly. Harry even heard it as it echoed in her throat.
"Why are you hurting yourself?" she squeezed out quickly under her voice.
Harry froze in his seat. He looked around at everyone else in the library, and was relieved to find them all chatting quietly, or busy with their studies. He himself gulped nervously at Hermione's question. He felt enraged by it, and saddened at the same time. Looking back at Hermione, he saw her eyes glittering in tears, and her bottom lip trembling. Suddenly his heart lightened and then weighed back down again in guilt.
"I didn't want to bring it up. I know I have no right. But I can't anymore Harry." he blubbered as she pulled her hands into her lap and looked down at them. "Why Harry?" she cried a little louder this time.
Rising his head around once more he found a few on lookers looking directly at Hermione and him. He looked at Hermione and then back at them. He grabbed his bag and shoved his stuff inside it and grabbed Hermione's book at back pack as well. Hermione started to cry opening, raising her hands to her face, to hide it. Harry bent down and wrapped his free arm around her shoulders.
"Come on Hermione. Let's get out of here." he coaxed her, off of the bench, and out of the library, hushing her with promises of everything being okay.
Hermione buried her head into Harry's shoulder as they made their way outside, passed people who looked towards the hysterical Hermione very concerned. They made their way down towards the end of campus grounds and sat under the willow trees along side of a tiny creek. Harry set the things in the bend of the tree as they sat on the ground, along with the enormous roots.
After a while Hermione stopped crying enough so she could apologize, " I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down like that."
Harry shook his head and forced himself to get, "Its okay." out.
"I'm.... Worried Harry. And not to mention terrified." she told him as she looked at him with her big brown eyes.
He felt his stomach sink a few feet down into his legs, and suddenly he felt like he was fighting for oxygen. He bent his head and rubbed his eyes, feeling so exhausted out of the blue.
"It's not very easy to explain." he said not wanting to look at her. Not wanting to see her usually at ease face, dripping with sadness.
From out the corner of his eye he saw her nod her head. After a few moments of silence, Hermione started picking twigs up from the ground, and cracked them into tiny pieces.
"Can I see them?" Hermione spat out.
Harry turned to her shocked. Shocked by how forward she was with the question. He didn't know if he could show her. He didn't know if he'd be okay with her seeing the markings of his punishment for living in this world, and ruining the lives of the ones who truly deserved it. In the back of his head, he seemed to hate her and everyone else for not having the gift of death like he did. Either Kill or be Killed. So said the prophecy.
He nodded and pulled his sleeve up reluctantly and showed her the still oozing cuts. She shrunk back when seeing the first aid bandages soaked through with blood. He squirmed in his seat a little too, feeling terrible that he showed her them before he changed the bandages. Then her bottom lip started to tremble again.
"Hey, it's not that bad." Harry reassured her.
She swallowed the imaginary lump in her throat and forced out, "You did it again."
He nodded and closed his eyes very hard trying to imagine himself somewhere else, somewhere where he doesn't have to feel bad or hide constantly.
She whispered, "Why?"
Harry looked up into her eyes and shook his head, "I don't know." Feeling so disgusted with himself, not being able the give Hermione a reason for his intentional pain. A couple tears fell down her cheeks, and he felt the pain in his body from his torment hiss even louder than the pain of his arms.
"It wasn't your fault Harry. It will never be your fault." she said as she slowly stood up onto her feet. She walked over to him and kneeled in front of him, taking his arm into her small hands.
She leaned down and softly kissed the dry part of his arm, and touched it delicately with her hand. she looked back up into his eyes and whispered, " Your secrets are safe with me Harry. No one will know. I promise."
"I know." Harry turned from her when he felt the pain in his turning stomach heave even harder against his will. He looked around for an escape and found his back pack, and lunged for it, gripping it in his fist as he stood abruptly.
"I have to get back to the library soon. I have a lot of studying to do." he chuckled nervously, and turned on his heel heading towards the School Entrance.
Only a few moments later, to Harry's dissatisfaction Hermione caught up to him. She shouted his name from behind him, and grabbed his shoulder. He spun around willingly and threw his back pack over his shoulder. He started to feel angry towards her for not letting it go. For not just leaving him at the side of the road, like he wanted.
"I love you Harry." Hermione wheezed out after running all the way up the large hill to catch up with him.
Harry stood stunned in his shoes. He wanted to run away, he wanted to take the fastest plane out of there so he didn't have to feel this. He didn't want to feel this. He started to feel like his inner organs were losing control. The pain was excruciating.
"We all love you." she added. She looked so desperate. So desperate to bring him back to reality.
Harry looked down at the ground and bit his lip as he felt his throat start to burn, and his nose plug up. "I love you too."
She smiled at him for a moment with a high beam smile, and went to hug him, but he backed away. He started shaking his head and cursed. Then he took off towards the Hogwarts Castle, at a speed Hermione could never catch up to him in.