Hee hee. What was that? You want to know what happens to the fellowboat?
You want to know what happens in the death defying, gravity defying, pretty-
much-everything defying EIGHTH CHAPTER!?!?!? (Duh duh duh)..................ok. Let's
see...
'Fly you fools!!!!' yelled Gandalf as he plummeted into Shadow. 'Seeee?' Complained Boromir. 'Wouldn't it have been easier if you had let me fly off that cliff?' 'Shut up Boromir!' cried all the bobbits as they lifted Boromir on top of themselves and carried him much the same way that an ant carries a particularly juicy grape away from a picnic. (I forgot to mention that bobbits are descendents from cannibal pigmies.) They all ran out of Morilot.
Great we have a starting point! (Celebrate!)
Frodo, his faced streaked in mud and I don't want to know what else, glanced up at the faces of his teary-eyed comrades. 'Why in all of Inthemiddle Earth are you crying?' He asked kicking Legolas in the shins. Legolas glared down at the bobbit. 'You stupid stonehearted creature! Can't you tell we are crying because... we're crying because... Heck! Why are we crying?' He glanced at Happy, Dopey, IAMSAM, Boromir and Gimme hoping for a little help. 'Boromir! Why are we crying?' Boromir shrugged, and decided that he wanted to go live with the orcs. He was almost in the door before Dopey was able to shoot him with a tranquilizer rifle. He looked sheepishly at the rest of the Fellowboat. 'Where'd you get that?' asked Frodo. 'Sauron's convenience Store!' was the much-expected reply. 'I call it 'The Boromir XXX 7000(and 1)'' 'OOOOOOOOOOO!' Gimme's eyes went wide. 'GIMME!' He screeched grabbing at the rifle. 'Get that thing away from me!' Dopey yelped and tossed 'The Boromir XXX 7000(and 1) to Legolas! 'Giiiiimmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!' screamed the rabid dwarf foaming at the mouth. 'MINE!' At this 5000000000000000 (and 1) seagulls swooped down and landed on the ground. Time stopped. IAMSAM, (having been known to do this) began to twitch uncontrollably. One seagull turned it's head to look at the bobbit. 'Mine.' It stated matter-of-factly. Another one noticed this too and repeated. 'Mine!' With out warning a cacophony of 'Mine's broke out around the Fellowboat. A tidal wave of seagulls began to approach IAMSAM. Murder in their eyes. IAMSAM let out an earsplitting squeak and began to run through the maze of racks. Yes racks. Not rocks. Because without warning the entire fellowboat (and the 5000000000000000 (and 1) seagulls) were teleported into Saruman's dressing room. Their collective screams (and mines) at having to see a... a... a really old guy's wardrobe, were quite loud. So loud in fact that they attracted the attention of 5000000000000000 (and 1) dodo birds. They appeared and the fellowboat was once more teleported. This time to, oh...let's make it fun. Farmer Pupa's watermelon field. Unfortunately the melons had already been harvested. However. One solitary edible pulpy mass (that's the computer thesaurus's 'other word' for melon. Edible pulpy mass. Melon. Do you see the connection?) Ah well. The seagulls saw the melon and completely forgot about eating IAMSAM (much to the dismay of the fellowboat.) And the dodo's saw the melon. 'Mine?' questioned a seagull. 'The last melon!' chanted the cult of dodos. Yikes!..... doesn't that give you the shivers? A cult of feather balls. What is the world coming to???? 'Mine!' The seagulls chanted. (Although had they been capable of saying anything else they probably would have said ours... no wait... I take that back.) 'The last melon!' The dodos repeated. 'Mine' 'The last melon!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' Happy intervened. He grinned. (Why don't you just share it?) A collected gasp ran through the ranks of dodos. 'No way! Sub-arctic temperatures will force us underground for a million billion years.' A seagull spoke up. 'Mine!' (But I'm hungry!) The dodos once again turned on the seagulls. 'Well if you weren't smart enough to plan ahead then doom on you!' The dodos took up the chant. Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! In the excitement the fellowboat was forgotten and Gimme ran and grabbed the melon. 'Gimme!' He grinned. 'Melon!' The dodos and the seagulls tuned on the poor vertically challenged being. 'The melon! T-T-Ti Quan Dodos! ATTACK!' And due to the stupidity of a certain (cough) creature the fellowboat had to run (well, the sedated Boromir was dragged) through Farmer Pupa's crop while being pursued by blood thirsty... actually melon juice-thirsty... birds. All hope seemed lost when, with a bang, the fellowboat arrived back in front of the back doors of Morilot, and the (umm lets see....5000000000000000(and 1) 5000000000000000 (and 1)) 10000000000000000000000000000000 (and 2) birds weren't.
'That was eventful!' grumbled Legolas pulling feathers from his hair. Gimme gulped the melon down and spit the seeds out at Boromir, who woke up rubbing his head. 'What happened? Did I die!!!' He asked excitedly. 'No.' Dopey replied bashing him over the head with the rifle. He was knocked unconscious. Again. 'How do you think we did that?' asked Frodo bewildered. All of a sudden, a man stepped out from behind a rock. 'I did it.' He said. 'How?' inquired the Fellowboat. 'Well the world as you know it isn't really the world as you know it. You see the world as you know it is actually an illusion created in the world as you know it that isn't. You follow?' He received blank stares. 'The Matrix! Man! You people are stupid. You are actually think this world is the world as you know it! But it's not the world as I know it!... well I quess the world as YOU know it and the world as I know it will be different worlds we know intirely. Your world is the world as I know it to be fake and My world is the World of you Shake and Bake. No wait that isn't right.' A lengthy pause followed where the man tried to figure out the difference between the worlds as they knew them and ect.........Gollum appeared wearing an apron and a hair net, holding in what little hair he had left. His name tag said 'Sue'
'Come precioussssss! Come all! Come to the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant!' He lead them all to a comfy looking building. Full of tables and chairs. He ran out of the room. The Fellowboat got seated, and the anonymous man did too. When Gollum came back he was holding a pad of paper with a pretty flaming eye design around the border and a fiery design pencil with a big red eye eraser. (Sauron's Convenience Store!!) This time his name tag read 'Greg' 'my I take your ordersss Precioussssessss?' IAMSAM piped up. 'May I have some green eggs and ham please?' he asked anxiously. Gollum I mean Greg nodded and began to write on his paper. His eyes scrunched and his tongue held tight between his teeth. He was obviously concentrating very hard on his spelling. Now Frodo who was sitting near Gollum I mean Greg saw what he was writing and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Umm Greg...' 'Yess Precioussss?" 'You spelt it wrong.' 'What Precioussss?' 'Green eggs and ham. You spelt it F-I-S-H. It's really spelt-' 'We know whatssss we spelled preciouss! We spelt it right precioussss!' Frodo shrugged and the reast of the Fellowboat ordered. By the end of the ordering Gollum's (Greg's) list read like this.
FISH
ROTTEN FISH
UGLY FISH
WRIGGLY FISH
FISH
FISH
PRECIOUSSSS
EVIL
PECIOUSSSSS
LA LA LA
They all waited twenty minutes and Gollum came out of the back (his name tag now reading Ricky) wheeling a trolley laden with covered platters. IAMSAM began to salivate. And for you Preciouss said gollum putting the plate down infront of Sam,...with a flourish he lifted off the lid to reveal....... A fish. IAMSAM's frown dropped so low that his lips touched the floor. The rest of the meals were served (Don't ask me how you get a LA LA LA on a plate... but I think it has something to do with pancakes...) and after they'd fiished, they tied the anonymous man to the chair and ran out of the restaurant. Five minutes later he came out again stuffing a fluffy pink wallet back into his black leather overcoat and shot a rather nasty look at Frodo. I don't know why it was at Frodo in particular, but he gets blamed for eveything anyway, so it doesn't really matter. "I suppose you thought that was funny!" He snarled. "Actually," chortled Legolas "I do." "Me two!" giggled Dopey. Happy Grinned as if to say "Me three." The rest of the Fellowboat piped in and added their agreement. "RETORICAL QUESTION!" Roared the anonymous man and Pulled out his cellphone. "Get me outta here." He moaned. But Splorfius, what about 'The One?' 'What one?" THE one! The reason we sent you into the Matrix in the first place. 'Oh. That one. I thought you ment the other one.' No Splorfius. I ment that one 'You sure? Cause the other one at that one place the other day looked pretty one-ish to me. I One-der which One it really is?" BRING BACK THE FREAKIN' ONE! SPLORFIUS!!!! and with that the line clicked and went dead. Splorfius turned back to face the fellowboat. 'Ok everybody. Listen up.' What he saw of course was happy chasing Dopey up the side of the mountain, Legolas sitting at his Porta-Vani (A portable vanity table) and painting his fingernails. Boromir was trying to spear himself with some utensils he'd 'borrowed without permission' from the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant, Gimme was gnawing on IAMSAM's leg and Frodo was off saving the day with Filing Cabinet Girl and her trusty sidekick Doutang Dude. The evil incarnate, demon spawn, egotistical, bloodthirsty, no good and all around nasty Paperclip People were trying to zap the earth with their 2-D (fruity) laser beam that would inevitably create mass destruction and panic. Throwing the world into a cannibalistic era of two-dimensionalism. Licky for us, our heros were victorious in their fight against evil and the Paperclip People were sentenced to life in exile on the planet sUx2BU. Meanwhile on the 3-D earth, Splorphius was now experiencing fits of rage (and would later in life develop a severe twitch because of it) because no one was paying any attention to him. 'Fine!' He shouted, spit flying from his mouth. 'You'll regret the day you ever crossed paths with SPLORFIUS the SUPERFLUOUS. Having said this he stormed into the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant, grabbed Gollum by the hand and dragged him away into the sunset.
'Where are we going to go now?' Fodo wondered aloud. 'I want to go to Over- Space.' giggled Legolas in his painfully feminine way. 'Yes! Let's!' agreed Dopey. So the fellowboat, while being chased by a mad mob of orcs, who were completely non-union, and were maiming without licenses, made their way to 'Over-Space.'
'Fly you fools!!!!' yelled Gandalf as he plummeted into Shadow. 'Seeee?' Complained Boromir. 'Wouldn't it have been easier if you had let me fly off that cliff?' 'Shut up Boromir!' cried all the bobbits as they lifted Boromir on top of themselves and carried him much the same way that an ant carries a particularly juicy grape away from a picnic. (I forgot to mention that bobbits are descendents from cannibal pigmies.) They all ran out of Morilot.
Great we have a starting point! (Celebrate!)
Frodo, his faced streaked in mud and I don't want to know what else, glanced up at the faces of his teary-eyed comrades. 'Why in all of Inthemiddle Earth are you crying?' He asked kicking Legolas in the shins. Legolas glared down at the bobbit. 'You stupid stonehearted creature! Can't you tell we are crying because... we're crying because... Heck! Why are we crying?' He glanced at Happy, Dopey, IAMSAM, Boromir and Gimme hoping for a little help. 'Boromir! Why are we crying?' Boromir shrugged, and decided that he wanted to go live with the orcs. He was almost in the door before Dopey was able to shoot him with a tranquilizer rifle. He looked sheepishly at the rest of the Fellowboat. 'Where'd you get that?' asked Frodo. 'Sauron's convenience Store!' was the much-expected reply. 'I call it 'The Boromir XXX 7000(and 1)'' 'OOOOOOOOOOO!' Gimme's eyes went wide. 'GIMME!' He screeched grabbing at the rifle. 'Get that thing away from me!' Dopey yelped and tossed 'The Boromir XXX 7000(and 1) to Legolas! 'Giiiiimmmmmmmeeeeeeeeee!' screamed the rabid dwarf foaming at the mouth. 'MINE!' At this 5000000000000000 (and 1) seagulls swooped down and landed on the ground. Time stopped. IAMSAM, (having been known to do this) began to twitch uncontrollably. One seagull turned it's head to look at the bobbit. 'Mine.' It stated matter-of-factly. Another one noticed this too and repeated. 'Mine!' With out warning a cacophony of 'Mine's broke out around the Fellowboat. A tidal wave of seagulls began to approach IAMSAM. Murder in their eyes. IAMSAM let out an earsplitting squeak and began to run through the maze of racks. Yes racks. Not rocks. Because without warning the entire fellowboat (and the 5000000000000000 (and 1) seagulls) were teleported into Saruman's dressing room. Their collective screams (and mines) at having to see a... a... a really old guy's wardrobe, were quite loud. So loud in fact that they attracted the attention of 5000000000000000 (and 1) dodo birds. They appeared and the fellowboat was once more teleported. This time to, oh...let's make it fun. Farmer Pupa's watermelon field. Unfortunately the melons had already been harvested. However. One solitary edible pulpy mass (that's the computer thesaurus's 'other word' for melon. Edible pulpy mass. Melon. Do you see the connection?) Ah well. The seagulls saw the melon and completely forgot about eating IAMSAM (much to the dismay of the fellowboat.) And the dodo's saw the melon. 'Mine?' questioned a seagull. 'The last melon!' chanted the cult of dodos. Yikes!..... doesn't that give you the shivers? A cult of feather balls. What is the world coming to???? 'Mine!' The seagulls chanted. (Although had they been capable of saying anything else they probably would have said ours... no wait... I take that back.) 'The last melon!' The dodos repeated. 'Mine' 'The last melon!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' 'MINE!' 'THE LAST MELON!' Happy intervened. He grinned. (Why don't you just share it?) A collected gasp ran through the ranks of dodos. 'No way! Sub-arctic temperatures will force us underground for a million billion years.' A seagull spoke up. 'Mine!' (But I'm hungry!) The dodos once again turned on the seagulls. 'Well if you weren't smart enough to plan ahead then doom on you!' The dodos took up the chant. Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! In the excitement the fellowboat was forgotten and Gimme ran and grabbed the melon. 'Gimme!' He grinned. 'Melon!' The dodos and the seagulls tuned on the poor vertically challenged being. 'The melon! T-T-Ti Quan Dodos! ATTACK!' And due to the stupidity of a certain (cough) creature the fellowboat had to run (well, the sedated Boromir was dragged) through Farmer Pupa's crop while being pursued by blood thirsty... actually melon juice-thirsty... birds. All hope seemed lost when, with a bang, the fellowboat arrived back in front of the back doors of Morilot, and the (umm lets see....5000000000000000(and 1) 5000000000000000 (and 1)) 10000000000000000000000000000000 (and 2) birds weren't.
'That was eventful!' grumbled Legolas pulling feathers from his hair. Gimme gulped the melon down and spit the seeds out at Boromir, who woke up rubbing his head. 'What happened? Did I die!!!' He asked excitedly. 'No.' Dopey replied bashing him over the head with the rifle. He was knocked unconscious. Again. 'How do you think we did that?' asked Frodo bewildered. All of a sudden, a man stepped out from behind a rock. 'I did it.' He said. 'How?' inquired the Fellowboat. 'Well the world as you know it isn't really the world as you know it. You see the world as you know it is actually an illusion created in the world as you know it that isn't. You follow?' He received blank stares. 'The Matrix! Man! You people are stupid. You are actually think this world is the world as you know it! But it's not the world as I know it!... well I quess the world as YOU know it and the world as I know it will be different worlds we know intirely. Your world is the world as I know it to be fake and My world is the World of you Shake and Bake. No wait that isn't right.' A lengthy pause followed where the man tried to figure out the difference between the worlds as they knew them and ect.........Gollum appeared wearing an apron and a hair net, holding in what little hair he had left. His name tag said 'Sue'
'Come precioussssss! Come all! Come to the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant!' He lead them all to a comfy looking building. Full of tables and chairs. He ran out of the room. The Fellowboat got seated, and the anonymous man did too. When Gollum came back he was holding a pad of paper with a pretty flaming eye design around the border and a fiery design pencil with a big red eye eraser. (Sauron's Convenience Store!!) This time his name tag read 'Greg' 'my I take your ordersss Precioussssessss?' IAMSAM piped up. 'May I have some green eggs and ham please?' he asked anxiously. Gollum I mean Greg nodded and began to write on his paper. His eyes scrunched and his tongue held tight between his teeth. He was obviously concentrating very hard on his spelling. Now Frodo who was sitting near Gollum I mean Greg saw what he was writing and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Umm Greg...' 'Yess Precioussss?" 'You spelt it wrong.' 'What Precioussss?' 'Green eggs and ham. You spelt it F-I-S-H. It's really spelt-' 'We know whatssss we spelled preciouss! We spelt it right precioussss!' Frodo shrugged and the reast of the Fellowboat ordered. By the end of the ordering Gollum's (Greg's) list read like this.
FISH
ROTTEN FISH
UGLY FISH
WRIGGLY FISH
FISH
FISH
PRECIOUSSSS
EVIL
PECIOUSSSSS
LA LA LA
They all waited twenty minutes and Gollum came out of the back (his name tag now reading Ricky) wheeling a trolley laden with covered platters. IAMSAM began to salivate. And for you Preciouss said gollum putting the plate down infront of Sam,...with a flourish he lifted off the lid to reveal....... A fish. IAMSAM's frown dropped so low that his lips touched the floor. The rest of the meals were served (Don't ask me how you get a LA LA LA on a plate... but I think it has something to do with pancakes...) and after they'd fiished, they tied the anonymous man to the chair and ran out of the restaurant. Five minutes later he came out again stuffing a fluffy pink wallet back into his black leather overcoat and shot a rather nasty look at Frodo. I don't know why it was at Frodo in particular, but he gets blamed for eveything anyway, so it doesn't really matter. "I suppose you thought that was funny!" He snarled. "Actually," chortled Legolas "I do." "Me two!" giggled Dopey. Happy Grinned as if to say "Me three." The rest of the Fellowboat piped in and added their agreement. "RETORICAL QUESTION!" Roared the anonymous man and Pulled out his cellphone. "Get me outta here." He moaned. But Splorfius, what about 'The One?' 'What one?" THE one! The reason we sent you into the Matrix in the first place. 'Oh. That one. I thought you ment the other one.' No Splorfius. I ment that one 'You sure? Cause the other one at that one place the other day looked pretty one-ish to me. I One-der which One it really is?" BRING BACK THE FREAKIN' ONE! SPLORFIUS!!!! and with that the line clicked and went dead. Splorfius turned back to face the fellowboat. 'Ok everybody. Listen up.' What he saw of course was happy chasing Dopey up the side of the mountain, Legolas sitting at his Porta-Vani (A portable vanity table) and painting his fingernails. Boromir was trying to spear himself with some utensils he'd 'borrowed without permission' from the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant, Gimme was gnawing on IAMSAM's leg and Frodo was off saving the day with Filing Cabinet Girl and her trusty sidekick Doutang Dude. The evil incarnate, demon spawn, egotistical, bloodthirsty, no good and all around nasty Paperclip People were trying to zap the earth with their 2-D (fruity) laser beam that would inevitably create mass destruction and panic. Throwing the world into a cannibalistic era of two-dimensionalism. Licky for us, our heros were victorious in their fight against evil and the Paperclip People were sentenced to life in exile on the planet sUx2BU. Meanwhile on the 3-D earth, Splorphius was now experiencing fits of rage (and would later in life develop a severe twitch because of it) because no one was paying any attention to him. 'Fine!' He shouted, spit flying from his mouth. 'You'll regret the day you ever crossed paths with SPLORFIUS the SUPERFLUOUS. Having said this he stormed into the Precioussss'ssssssss Family Restaurant, grabbed Gollum by the hand and dragged him away into the sunset.
'Where are we going to go now?' Fodo wondered aloud. 'I want to go to Over- Space.' giggled Legolas in his painfully feminine way. 'Yes! Let's!' agreed Dopey. So the fellowboat, while being chased by a mad mob of orcs, who were completely non-union, and were maiming without licenses, made their way to 'Over-Space.'