Can you feel it, Molly? Mrs. Weasley. I think I have been around Remus and Arth- Mr. Weasley too much. I keep referring to them by their first names. But it's all in my head, right? Doesn't matter, they can't see it.
It's all in my head.
That's what that damnable newspaper had everyone to believe a year back. And Percy. I thought he was on my side...?
See who I can trust? Who? No one. They will all betray me in the end. In some way or another. Do you see how Ron looks at Hermione? And how she looks back? They will leave me for one another one day.
No...No. I'm just overreacting. This is all in my head.
"Pass the potatoes, Har."
"Yeah, yer hogging them."
The twins' voices ring out into my head. My head. Stay out!
I blink a few times, staring blankly at them. I know I look like a nutter, but I can't remember what they just said.
"Should we spell it out?"
"P-O-T-A-T-O-S."
George bursts out laughing. "You spelled it wrong!"
I pass the potatoes. I get what Fred meant. He's laughing at his own misspelling anyhow.
I hate how carefree they are. I don't think I've ever seen them serious.
Mrs. Weasley can feel the wrongness in the air like I can. So now I know what I'm supposed to do. But how? How do I do that? How do I ask him what I want to know?
I can feel eyes upon me, while I push the potatoes into a neat little mountain. On top of my mountain, I place a bright orange carrot. I have to stop myself from giggling as I think the carrot hardly compares to the shade of the Weasley clan's hair.
I meet the eyes staring at me. Remus sighs softly and returned his gaze to his own plate.
"Professor Lupin?"
"Remus."
"What?"
"I am not fit to be a teacher...remember?" Remus stands, collecting his plate and utensils and tapping them gently with his wand, cleaning up. A moment later, he's left the room, his plate scrubbing itself still, and we all sit in silence.
"I..." I try to apologize to the new stares. I feel horrible. I didn't know that calling him that bothered him so. I didn't mean to...
"Don't apologize, Harry," I hear a quiet voice tell me. "Remus just needs some time." I still don't know whose voice it is. My potatoes seem far more interesting anyhow.
Fred's version of the 'Wake-me-up' Charm is particularly strong. I feel like someone slipped me an espresso without telling me. Every time I try to sit down, sit still or stop moving for any amount of time, I develop an odd, and slightly disturbing, twitch.
Remus is watching me pace the floor, as if I were an animal in a cage. Not a bad description of how I feel most of the time anyhow.
Of course, it's just my luck, Snape is sitting here. He decided to stay for tea and a bit of small talk with Remus. They haven't told me to 'get out' yet, so I continue to pace. I try to look preoccupied with other thoughts, while I listen in on their conversation.
"The house is always so quiet. Molly seems horribly astute to everything. Strange, isn't it?"
"Not really. She has six brats to take care of. I imagine she'd have to develop some sort of woman's intuition or something to stay sane."
"Severus." Remus shook his head, disapprovingly.
Snape smirks into his teacup, while he sips noisily.
I wish I could bash his head in right here.
They don't talk about anything interesting for the rest of the evening. Forced small talk. And all of it painful to listen to.
"Harry?" The word makes me jump half out of my skin. I look at Professor Lupin. (Oh right, now I start calling him by that name.)
"Yes?"
"You want to talk to me?"
"Maybe."
"I assume that is why you were so eager to get Fred...or was it George?...to cast the Wake-me-up Charm on you. You've been flittering around like a hummingbird all evening."
"I wanted to..." Why didn't Mrs. Weasley ask the twins to do this? Or Ginny? Or Bill or Charlie? Even Ron would be better at wording this than I am. "I wanted to..."
Remus looks at me expectantly.
"...Make sure you were all right..." I let it trail off at his amused smirk. I know he thinks I'm a bit of a fool, but its times like these I relish. Why? Because I can see a bit of reminiscing touching the sparkle of his eye. I remind him of my father. I know that. I know I said I don't want that, but maybe I do? Maybe I want to be considered the one in control for once. This life is hectic as is. "I didn't mean to offend you at dinner."
"You didn't."
"It seemed like I did."
"No. There is much going on, and I think it is my place to apologize to you. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."
That was his temper? Merlin. That's just...Never mind.
"Are you angry with me, Harry?"
"No. I was worried." I glance over my shoulder, I don't want to say what I'm about to say with anyone else around. "You're the last person I have left, Prof- Remus."
His eyes widen.
Stupid, Harry. Really stupid.
He sets down his teacup, still staring at me. "Do you really believe that?"
"You're the last one left who...who was close to them." We all know who 'them' is.
Remus stands and walks towards me. I think I've uncured the wrath of the 'we all love you, Harry' lecture. Damn me. I sigh softly, studying the carpeting. What nice carpeting it is too. Have you ever wondered about how they get each little fiber to stay like that? What keeps it from unraveling?
I'm surprised when I feel Remus hug me. Slowly, I regain my composure and return the embrace. Uncomfortable much? Slightly.
"You're the last I have left too, Harry. I know that everyone tries to become like family. In fact they are. But...but you're the last one left I have real connection with. D'you understand?"
I nod. I do. I also am feeling pretty silly about the tears touching on my eyes. If I don't blink, they won't fall.
Remus pulls away suddenly, leaving me to soak up the tears that cling to my eyelashes, while he makes his way out of the door. I know he's crying, I can hear it in his voice when he murmurs a soft, "I'm sorry, Harry. I really am." Then he is gone and I am left to my tears and speculations.
It's all in my head.
That's what that damnable newspaper had everyone to believe a year back. And Percy. I thought he was on my side...?
See who I can trust? Who? No one. They will all betray me in the end. In some way or another. Do you see how Ron looks at Hermione? And how she looks back? They will leave me for one another one day.
No...No. I'm just overreacting. This is all in my head.
"Pass the potatoes, Har."
"Yeah, yer hogging them."
The twins' voices ring out into my head. My head. Stay out!
I blink a few times, staring blankly at them. I know I look like a nutter, but I can't remember what they just said.
"Should we spell it out?"
"P-O-T-A-T-O-S."
George bursts out laughing. "You spelled it wrong!"
I pass the potatoes. I get what Fred meant. He's laughing at his own misspelling anyhow.
I hate how carefree they are. I don't think I've ever seen them serious.
Mrs. Weasley can feel the wrongness in the air like I can. So now I know what I'm supposed to do. But how? How do I do that? How do I ask him what I want to know?
I can feel eyes upon me, while I push the potatoes into a neat little mountain. On top of my mountain, I place a bright orange carrot. I have to stop myself from giggling as I think the carrot hardly compares to the shade of the Weasley clan's hair.
I meet the eyes staring at me. Remus sighs softly and returned his gaze to his own plate.
"Professor Lupin?"
"Remus."
"What?"
"I am not fit to be a teacher...remember?" Remus stands, collecting his plate and utensils and tapping them gently with his wand, cleaning up. A moment later, he's left the room, his plate scrubbing itself still, and we all sit in silence.
"I..." I try to apologize to the new stares. I feel horrible. I didn't know that calling him that bothered him so. I didn't mean to...
"Don't apologize, Harry," I hear a quiet voice tell me. "Remus just needs some time." I still don't know whose voice it is. My potatoes seem far more interesting anyhow.
Fred's version of the 'Wake-me-up' Charm is particularly strong. I feel like someone slipped me an espresso without telling me. Every time I try to sit down, sit still or stop moving for any amount of time, I develop an odd, and slightly disturbing, twitch.
Remus is watching me pace the floor, as if I were an animal in a cage. Not a bad description of how I feel most of the time anyhow.
Of course, it's just my luck, Snape is sitting here. He decided to stay for tea and a bit of small talk with Remus. They haven't told me to 'get out' yet, so I continue to pace. I try to look preoccupied with other thoughts, while I listen in on their conversation.
"The house is always so quiet. Molly seems horribly astute to everything. Strange, isn't it?"
"Not really. She has six brats to take care of. I imagine she'd have to develop some sort of woman's intuition or something to stay sane."
"Severus." Remus shook his head, disapprovingly.
Snape smirks into his teacup, while he sips noisily.
I wish I could bash his head in right here.
They don't talk about anything interesting for the rest of the evening. Forced small talk. And all of it painful to listen to.
"Harry?" The word makes me jump half out of my skin. I look at Professor Lupin. (Oh right, now I start calling him by that name.)
"Yes?"
"You want to talk to me?"
"Maybe."
"I assume that is why you were so eager to get Fred...or was it George?...to cast the Wake-me-up Charm on you. You've been flittering around like a hummingbird all evening."
"I wanted to..." Why didn't Mrs. Weasley ask the twins to do this? Or Ginny? Or Bill or Charlie? Even Ron would be better at wording this than I am. "I wanted to..."
Remus looks at me expectantly.
"...Make sure you were all right..." I let it trail off at his amused smirk. I know he thinks I'm a bit of a fool, but its times like these I relish. Why? Because I can see a bit of reminiscing touching the sparkle of his eye. I remind him of my father. I know that. I know I said I don't want that, but maybe I do? Maybe I want to be considered the one in control for once. This life is hectic as is. "I didn't mean to offend you at dinner."
"You didn't."
"It seemed like I did."
"No. There is much going on, and I think it is my place to apologize to you. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."
That was his temper? Merlin. That's just...Never mind.
"Are you angry with me, Harry?"
"No. I was worried." I glance over my shoulder, I don't want to say what I'm about to say with anyone else around. "You're the last person I have left, Prof- Remus."
His eyes widen.
Stupid, Harry. Really stupid.
He sets down his teacup, still staring at me. "Do you really believe that?"
"You're the last one left who...who was close to them." We all know who 'them' is.
Remus stands and walks towards me. I think I've uncured the wrath of the 'we all love you, Harry' lecture. Damn me. I sigh softly, studying the carpeting. What nice carpeting it is too. Have you ever wondered about how they get each little fiber to stay like that? What keeps it from unraveling?
I'm surprised when I feel Remus hug me. Slowly, I regain my composure and return the embrace. Uncomfortable much? Slightly.
"You're the last I have left too, Harry. I know that everyone tries to become like family. In fact they are. But...but you're the last one left I have real connection with. D'you understand?"
I nod. I do. I also am feeling pretty silly about the tears touching on my eyes. If I don't blink, they won't fall.
Remus pulls away suddenly, leaving me to soak up the tears that cling to my eyelashes, while he makes his way out of the door. I know he's crying, I can hear it in his voice when he murmurs a soft, "I'm sorry, Harry. I really am." Then he is gone and I am left to my tears and speculations.