***Some portions of dialogue have been quoted from the subtitled version of the series on the DVD set distributed by Bandai***
"always"
II. My Dinner with Allen
It's a motley group that disembarks from the Crusade. Revius and I watch them at the dockyard through alternating turns with the spyglass. I feel a bit improper observing them like this but from the looks of the crew, they're the sort of men that are probably used to being watched. I recognize one or two of them from my visit to the Castelo. There's Gaddes, Allen's second in command, and the one that challenged Alucier to a lengthy game of darts that I never did learn the outcome of. I have forgotten his name but the wide, jagged scar that runs across his bald scalp is much more memorable.
There are four people whom I don't know at all. From the looks of them, they can't be Asturian soldiers. The first is a stocky old man who sidles off to the area of the leviship dockyard where all cargo is kept the second he's off the Crusade. Then, there's a boy in a loose red shirt with a sword strapped at his side. He keeps one hand on it while his other arm is occupied by a bundle of orange and pink that with an adjustment of the spyglass' lens, I'm able to determine is a small catgirl. Revius bets me that she won't let go the entire time they're at the docks. I win on a technicality.
The last one is intriguing. It's a girl around Millerna's age, but that was hard to tell because of her extremely short brown hair. Viewing her over the distance, the skirt of her strange outfit (whose scandalous length elicits a rude joke from Revius) is the only clue to her gender.
As is traditional, the captain of the ship is the last to leave it -- the captain and his owl. Natal springs off Allen's arm to stretch her wings after being cooped up in a leviship. The way she's soaring, it must have been a long trip for her.
For all of them. They stretch and point out to the ocean and down into Palas below. They look relieved to be here. With only a handful here out of the large number of soldiers that were stationed at the ruined fort, it's to be expected.
Revius taps me on the shoulder to indicate I'm taking too long with my turn. I ask for a few more seconds. I've focused in on Allen. I know him so well, I'm usually able to read his mood -- his real mood, not the façade of the perfect knight he always puts forth -- if I can get a good enough look at him. But he's too far away and there's a pink blur moving in from the edge of my view. Allen will never show his true face now.
I'm not aware of uttering a curse, but Revius laughs, "Princess! Such language!" I gladly forfeit the spyglass. Revius takes one look and understands. "Ah, your sister, Her Pinkness, has arrived. I guess I wasn't the only one who saw the Crusade come in."
I should berate him for referring to Millerna so discourteously. He's my friend; I permit such familiarity. My family is another matter. Overly pink wardrobe or not, spoiled brat that I complain to him about or not, Millerna warrants more respect than his derogatory nickname gives her. I know he does it because he's territorially protective of me. Revius doesn't like it that my little sister has staked a claim on a man that he deemed to be already mine quite some time ago.
It's sweet, but he really shouldn't --
"How can she not notice how ticked Red Shirt looks?" he narrates. "And there goes Allen. He took her horse. I guess he's headed for the palace. Now she's talking to Skirt. Skirt looks kind of angry too. Whoa! Catgirl is really angry. She just stomped on Skirt's foot."
Revius relates more antics between 'Skirt' and 'Catgirl' but I'd rather he train his eye on the road that runs down from the dockyard into Palas. I don't want to necessarily see Allen. Knowing that he's all right is enough for me. What I want is to hear his account of Zaibach's activities at the Castelo. The Strategos' version was pure fiction, I'm sure of it. Father was too. His agreement with the man was merely a political performance.
Zaibach representatives have not left the city though. When Allen gives his report, will it be a tale of injustice delivered to the proud, righteous king, or just another part of the show?
***
Millerna returns to the palace before I do. The crew of the Crusade has been left behind to fend for themselves, but she brought back the three of the outsiders with her. 'Skirt' is in theory a handmaiden called Hitomi, but she couldn't be more unfamiliar with palace life. She wanders around, awestruck and lost. Again and again, she has to weave out of the way of the constant flow of people through the halls and apologize if she isn't fast enough. The real handmaidens offer her food and a change of clothing only to have the girl act surprised that they're asking *her*. She's not fooling anyone.
'Red Shirt' has fooled me considerably. Millerna introduces him to me as Van Fanel, the King of Fanelia, a status not suggested by his clothing or stooped posture. I give him the same greeting I gave the Strategos. I receive the same results. I would offer him my condolences for the razing of his country, but Millerna should have already done it and the boy isn't of any mood to hear more about how badly he's suffered.
'Catgirl' is named Merle. She sniffs in my direction, but I'm substantially less amusing to her than her 'Van-sama'. She's still latched to his arm, but up close, I'm able to tell it's a gesture of both affection and protectiveness. After a few mumbled comments and multiple glares at that Hitomi girl, it becomes clear what she has deemed to be the most important threat to protect him from.
Soon, Millerna declares that a proper lunch must be prepared for her and her guests. Finding a suitable dress for Hitomi becomes a high priority, contrary to the girl's earlier refusals. She continues to voice a polite objection. Millerna doesn't listen to it, being busy with a handmaiden describing the exact gown that would be just the thing for her. Right as she leaves, Millerna makes sure to let me know she won't be available this afternoon because Allen has promised to take her to the shopping district.
"Maybe she'll buy herself a nice clue," Alucier suggests as he returns from the errand I gave to him. The first thing I did when Revius and I arrived back was to locate him and send him off to find out what he could of Allen's address to my father.
"I could give her one for free."
"Yes, I imagine you've built up a whole stockpile of unused ones about Allen over the years."
Part of Alucier's definition of being an older brother figure includes merciless repartee. He generally knows to stop before he goes too far but sometimes he needs something to jog his memory. Something like a stern look of disapproval or, if there weren't any witnesses around, a swift kick to the shins.
Knowing that he's right and that it's the only reason I'm so annoyed, he quickly switches the subject back to his mission. There's not much to report. He ran into Allen outside of the room Father uses to receive his subjects but as usual, Allen was less than forthcoming. "Of course, your father had kept him waiting there for a half-hour despite the urgency of the situation."
"He's the king. We all must follow his time. Still, he's been waiting to hear what really happened at the Castelo. I don't know why he would put Allen off."
The explanation Alucier suggests is probable, but not agreeable. "I left when a page announced the king was ready, but when I passed by the rear entrance to the room on my way back here, he was still outside. He had a 'friend' who was keeping him. A tall guy in a dark cape dripping mood all through the hall."
"Zaibach's Strategos," I conclude.
So Father's performance will continue. I can't fault him for erring on the side of caution. I can't dismiss the feeling that he is in error all the same. But he is the ruler of this country and Asturia has always prospered under his hand. I should trust Father's rationale no matter how much I mistrust Zaibach and its emissary.
I should, but I can't.
***
It's petty, but nonetheless I smile while watching a princess, a king, a catgirl and a handmaiden leave for the bazaar without a Knight of Caeli to accompany them. The gods know I need something to improve my mood. Another cloud lifts when I notice the Strategos finally exiting palace grounds not long after my Millerna's entourage. Having a bedroom with a window that overlooks the part of the courtyard that is the starting and stopping point for all visiting palace traffic has been advantageous many times over the years.
So now I'm left alone in that advantageous bedroom with nothing to do save planning on how to spend tomorrow morning since Father has decided that it won't be spent in a council meeting. Considering how much of my six-year tenure was taken up with circular debates and wrangling over the tiniest little trivialities, I should be relieved to be free of the whole thing. I could even sleep in late tomorrow, this time on purpose.
But I won't be able to sleep. I know that I'll just be lying on the bed exactly as I am now wondering what I'm going to do and missing those stupid politics and wanting to be a part of them.
Even if the council did nothing but capitulate to Zaibach, at least then I would know what we would be capitulating to. They burned down one of our forts. They admitted it, but lied about circumstances. I don't have proof that they lied yet, but it's a safe assumption. I cannot believe Allen would handle a minor turnover of a wanted criminal as badly as the Strategos claimed. Who were they trying to extradite anyway? What was the king of Fanelia doing with Allen? Was he the one they wanted? Was the destruction of Fanelia somehow tied to the destruction of the Castelo?
My conspiracy theory is almost worked out when I'm interrupted by a visitor. A shy visitor. The person knocks but does not enter even after I've called out for them to do so. I go to the door wondering who would what to see me but not know me well enough to simply come in without being let in.
It turns out not to be a matter of shyness, but of reluctance. It also explains why Millerna did not get her dream afternoon of roaming through the shopping district while on the arm of her love.
"Allen." I am as neutral as I am able to be after being taken surprised by his tall figure standing outside my room. This is the first time he's sought me out since our fight a few months ago. I need to know what he's come here to say without influencing it with my own conflicting emotions.
"I must speak with you, Princess," he says seriously.
Suddenly, I don't think this has anything to with the two of us. I can tell by the intense focus of those sapphire eyes that I should have greeted him as 'Sir Knight' and not by his first name. He is here because of business.
Being right isn't always a blessing. He launches into the true account of the fall of the Castelo that I have been eager to hear as soon as I give him permission to speak. My theory solidifies into fact. Zaibach was indeed responsible for Fanelia. He finishes by inadvertently rubbing salt into a fresh wound. "Your father is under the influence of bad counsel," he says, employing an old euphemism for 'the king has lost his mind'. "But I know that he listens to you and the high council does as well. If you could -- "
"I can't do anything. Father does what he believes he needs to do and whatever sway I did hold with the council no longer exists since I no longer have a seat on it."
"You removed yourself from the council?" he asks skeptically.
"Of course I didn't," I snap. How could he think I would do such a thing? "Father made that decision."
"He wouldn't listen to any of your arguments to stay?"
If I recall correctly, I only made one feeble protest that was cut short by Father's pronouncement that he was doing it for my safety. I understand his motivation. I respect it. I don't know how, or even why, I should explain it to Allen though. "He had reasons and, as king, it was his choice."
"You just accepted it." It's like he's dancing around an accusation.
"I had to. I didn't like it and I still don't but it's futile to fight Father when his mind is set."
"And it was easier for you to walk away."
So much for dancing. I highly doubt that last remark was about the council. But if he wishes to veil his words¼ "Father did it to protect me. As someone who cares about me, he removes me from things that could prove harmful."
"When did the council become so harmful?"
"This situation with Zaibach is difficult, not to mention dangerous. Father's playing along with that Strategos for now, but only because the welfare of Asturia is at stake."
"Zaibach destroys Fanelia but we're going to ignore that because it serves our own interests."
"What happened in Fanelia was a tragedy, but we cannot compensate for it by putting ourselves at risk. Would you rather have both countries fall to ruin?"
"We have a treaty with Fanelia. I would think it's our responsibility to come to its aid."
"Fanelia is not the only country with which we have a treaty. It is not the only country that we should concern ourselves with. And above all, Asturia needs to take care of itself if it wants to remain strong."
He looks as if he has a response in mind but doesn't care to share it. I suspect that I should be grateful for that. Without anything left to say, Allen bids me farewell in the manner demanded by chivalry. Respectful. Dutiful. But still carrying an undertone of¼ disappointment?
He came here expecting political aid for his newfound cause. Protecting a dispossessed king and his young female associates would be a mission Allen would take on with zeal. The valiant knight watching over lord and ladies. A noble role and distraction for one who has chosen to live in images rather than the realities they poorly reflect.
My own feelings tend more towards anger. No, I must be honest with myself. I *am* angry. Allen did come to me, but it was as a servant making a plea to his master, not as a friend requesting a favor. If he had known I'm not on the council anymore, would he even have come at all? Am I only worthy of his attention when I have something he needs? Does he have so little faith in our former friendship?
Our friendship¼ I was his counselor, his confidant. I helped him reclaim his family's estate after years of his neglect. I stood aside for Marlene and then carried Allen through all the disastrous consequences. I did all those things out of choice. I wanted to do them. I wanted to stand by Allen in whatever way I could.
But Allen needed those things. He needed for me to be there. I was so happy to comply, I never realized that perhaps it was only my presence, not my actual person, that he relied on and craved. Once I took away that presence, he was left to fend for himself and, finding he was able to survive without the crutch it provided, decided he no longer needed the woman underneath it.
I'm doing it again. I ended things with Allen to be free of his pain and the pain that came from constantly defining myself in relation to him. Yet I return to it over and over, constantly tracing the lines of our past and coming up with a dark, meaningless blur instead of the clear picture I'm seeking.
I am the one thing from which Allen Schezar has proved capable of moving on. From now on, I must do no less.
***
In honor of the Fanelian king, Father has decided to throw an official, but small dinner. I gather the small part is to show proper decorum to our guest without flaunting that the guest is here to Zaibach. The dinner is held in the royal dining room, called such because it's huge and lavish, not because we royals like to eat in it. As a child, I used to be afraid that the high-backed chairs that ring the dining table might fall over and crush me. It wasn't completely irrational. The damned things reach halfway to the ceiling and could probably take out a wall if they were ever to fall. Marlene deliberately wriggling about in her chair whenever I passed near her wasn't helpful either.
One playful older sister wouldn't be able to disturb them. Because of the back, the chairs are weighted heavily in the legs and seat. Because of how they're weighted, the chairs have a comfort level equivalent to having a stiff board pressed sharply against your back. Between the chairs and my earlier visit from Allen, 'surly' would be a good choice for describing my mood.
This dinner is for a king though and my attendance is mandatory. I'm sure some of the gathered nobles would gladly trade places. They're only here long enough to express their admiration of the machine that's been placed at the head of the room like Gaea's largest and most unusual centerpiece. It's the Fanelian king's personal guymelef. He stands off to the side, dressed in the same casual garb he arrived in and apart from the men who praise his possession so emptily. His catgirl, who is quickly earning herself the adjective ever-present, hangs off his arm, twitching her tail irritably while the nobles discuss some fight that Fanel participated in an hour earlier.
It doesn't sound as if the fight were particularly fair, but the young king won anyway. I don't care enough about the art of fighting to pay attention to the details. The guymelef is called Escaflowne and from what I recall of Fanelian tradition, it's either named after a god or is supposed to be a god itself. The nobles would probably know. They're tossing around unfamiliar phrases like 'Ispano' and 'drag energist'. It reminds of Alucier and Revius' deliberate attempts to confuse me whenever they talk about guymelefs and swords and other 'manly' things.
They would love to be here. Neither one is much of pilot but the mystical aura of a rare melef would set them to chattering about the subject anyway. Unfortunately, while the Caeli are Asturia's twelve most revered knights, they don't pull enough influence to be seated at this table. There is one exception. Because of his connection to the guest of honor, Allen has been permitted to join the meal. When he enters the room, he takes the only unoccupied chair that isn't beside or directly across from me. Father takes the time from his conversation with Meiden Fassa to make a short grunt of disapproval.
The fun's already begun and the final two attendees haven't even arrived yet. Millerna likes to be fashionably late. She must be imposing the same standard on that Hitomi girl. Once they do arrive, Millerna rushes to take the chair across from Allen. She missed this afternoon with him; she'll not let him out of her sight now.
Everyone's seated, but the men can't be torn away from their talk of Escaflowne. The best way to hide it, how beautiful it is. Meiden tries to flatter me and my sister by saying its beauty is nothing compared to ours. Prettier than a hulking piece of white metal with a giant red jewel in its chest? I would certainly hope so.
Even though he is the one it concerns the most, Fanel leaves the security of his mecha up to my father to decide and stalks out of the room to go stare out the windows that line the hall. The catgirl chases after him. I empathize with their desire to escape.
Father doesn't let the fact that the reason for the whole dinner just left without eating one bite of food stop him. Using Meiden's earlier comments about beauty as a set up, he takes a spiteful jab at his least favorite servant. "It's said that being too beautiful is a sin, Allen."
I can't make out Allen's subservient mumbling but I do catch the look he gives me. What lovely timing for him to acknowledge my existence.
No one else notices. Father digs into his meal and everybody else pokes at theirs. We're having fish tonight, prepared by the kitchen's best chef. Millerna though, seems to be under the impression that Allen is the main course with the way she's salivating over him. I should tie a bib around her neck. Or a length of rope¼
I believe Father would lend me a piece if he had one. He's casting glares at Allen, then Millerna, then back to Allen. Hitomi follows a similar pattern but with a slightly different execution and a vastly different motivation. Allen has yet one more crush to add to an already astronomical total.
Lust is an equal opportunity emotion. Meiden begins asking obvious questions about Hitomi, causing her to be visibly on edge. I saw the way he looked at her when she came into the room. She's wearing one of my sister's old dresses, pink but not tight or low cut enough to be suitable for Millerna to wear around Allen. For some reason, half of the bottom is missing and has been hastily hemmed. Whatever it is with that girl and short skirts certainly agrees with the very married patriarch of the Fassa clan.
Millerna plays cute and professes to know all about the alleged handmaiden. It turns out she knows nothing. Allen brings it all to an ungraceful halt by declaring it's inappropriate to discuss a girl of such low status at such a high dinner. I don't blame Hitomi when she drains her entire glass of vino in one gulp.
With the silly machine and the sillier handmaiden fully discussed, Millerna turns the conversation back to herself. She pouts suggestively at Allen, claiming to be quite upset that she didn't get to spend the afternoon with him. Hitomi, Father and I take deep drafts of vino in unison.
She makes Allen promise to visit her in her quarters and then I'm the one using a set-up.
"Allen, Millerna has been betrothed to Lord Meiden's eldest son."
"Really!?!" Hitomi screeches from across the table. I think she would have applauded if she hadn't had a glass in her hand. She settles back into her chair with a lopsided grin clearly communicating her supreme pleasure with the news.
If only everyone could be so happy¼ Millerna's horrified; she tries to spit out some kind of reproach of me, but 'sister!' is the most offensive thing she can muster.
I couldn't care less. With an insincerity that borders on gleeful, I add, "Oh, I'm sorry. Wasn't that what you were going to talk to him about?"
Everyone files the proper reactions. Allen congratulates Millerna. Millerna protests that she hasn't agreed to it yet. My father and Meiden go on to make jokes about the would-be groom.
Hitomi takes another swig of alcohol and giggles quietly to herself. I sip steadily from my own glass and tip it subtlety in her direction when it's empty. Among the palace staff, I've earned the nickname 'Ice Princess'. There are benefits to living up it.
Dinner peters out slowly. Father and Meiden monopolize most of the talk with the hundredth review of a story from their teenage years. A chastised Millerna is forced to leer at Allen surreptitiously (or what she believes to be surreptitiously and others would call overtly with a tiny hint of restraint). Allen doesn't say anything more at all except to thank the servers when they make one of their many replenishments of wine. I don't say anything more period.
The evening's final moment is Hitomi's. Raising her glass in an imaginary toast, she looks around the table at each of her fellow diners, emits a singular chirp of laugher and slumps over in chair, the ample amounts of vino that she imbibed finally taking their toll.
All and all, I find it to be a rather appropriate ending.
***
Reflecting on the meal, I feel there's a chance I might have gone too far in my insensitive announcement of Millerna's engagement. Just a small chance. It was brusque, without question, but tact isn't always the best way to convey things that absolutely must be said. Millerna never would have said anything to Allen and Allen would have been grateful not to hear it.
He handled the news well enough, better than he did the news when Marlene was engaged to the Duke of Freid. But Father wasn't sitting a few feet away from him then. Slipping out of the room to begin an extended period of absence from duty to drink and brood copiously wasn't an option. Father wasn't aware of Allen and Marlene's relationship either. Anyone that's gotten within hearing range of Millerna over the past year knows exactly how she feels about her precious golden knight.
This is so frustrating. I make a vow mid-afternoon to quit worrying about Allen in any context and I can't even make it through the day without breaking it. He is not my responsibility anymore. He never really was.
It would be easier to forget him if I couldn't hear him coming up the stairway behind me. He tried reviving Hitomi after she passed out but couldn't rouse her. An entire bottle of vino will do that to a girl who hasn't tasted it before. It would do that to a grown man with a fondness for drink. Millerna suggested letting the handmaidens take care of her and hadn't liked it when Allen volunteered to look after her personally. She probably went off to sulk because she wasn't the maiden fair being attended to by the gallant knight. Either that or she's biding her time, waiting for Allen to be through with the Hitomi girl and expecting him to come to her room promptly afterwards. Millerna won't let Allen back out of a second promise.
It looks like Allen's going to be at the palace for awhile. Starting his stay with a late night visit to Millerna would not be good. A calm, rationale reminder of why he's so interested in her to begin with might be in order. He's still carrying his charge though. I'll wait until he's put her to bed to confront him. It'll give me time to gather my thoughts into a speech that won't end in a shouting match.
I tuck myself in an alcove and watch him go past. I could have sat in front of the door and all he would have done is step over me. He's studying the girl, and I doubt it's to watch for any signs of her stirring. He continues even after he's gently set her down and placed the covers over her.
Of course. A cute young thing who admires him utterly and blatantly and needs his protection. How perfect for him. It's little wonder that Millerna was so upset; she sensed some competition.
Annoyingly, I'm not above a tinge of resentment myself. But that girl is not the point. My sister is.
I linger at the door, hesitant to begin, but somehow I choke out his name. I have to keep myself in check throughout the conversation. Be direct. Tell him to stop leading Millerna on. Mention Marlene but offer no condemnations. It's only natural because Millerna is so much like her. Millerna could get hurt. She will be hurt. Hurt like I have been… Can't tell him that. Generalize it to all women.
My mind's barking out instructions so quickly, I barely register what I'm actually saying to him and what he is saying to me. One thing cuts through, straight down to every hope, fear and desire I have ever had.
"I will never love again."
A vow of his own. He's said similar things to me before but never with such clear conviction. And, as I look over his shoulder at the slumbering form of a girl who holds every promise of being another damsel he may rescue and defend in a lifelong, misguided attempt to save himself, with such apparent contradiction.
"Liar." To me. To himself. When I first realized I couldn't proffer solutions to a man unwilling to acknowledge a problem, I turned my back and stepped purposely away.
This time, I run.
***
Author's Notes: Hope that wasn't dreadfully long between updates. I've been a busy girl. *Plug warning* BFUM's been remodeled and actually has honest to god new content! Click on the link in my author's profile for stuff on movie Allen and some pretty pictures. Now to finish the Eries shrine, start doing those edits to 'Girl' I've been wanting to do, write the next chapter, finish the one-shot I started in August and completely forgot about after writing six-thousand words in three days…….
Next up: The Runaway Princess (And a little more Alucier than you got here, fanclubbers ^_^).