"Always…"

VI: Tea and Empathy

I did have a public lunch scheduled but since I have an excellent excuse to cancel, the Ladies for the Somesuch Cause will have to make do without me. Most of those things are dull processions of good intentions and prettily worded rhetoric anyway. Accomplishments are few and meager and generally would have occurred whether the meeting had taken place or not. Sitting on the council trained me well for them.

Regardless, it's a light conscience and a heavy tray of food I carry into Millerna's room. The cooks were surprised by my request to deliver it personally, but I didn't want this afternoon interrupted. We have a lot to discuss and we don't need someone hovering around to clear away the dishes.

It's better too, if Millerna has to be woken up past midday, that her sister be the one to do it. The curtains on both the window and bed are drawn. Pulling them open causes the clump under the covers to contract when the sunlight bursts through the room.

"Millerna, it's time to wake up."

She yawns her opinion that I am mistaken about this.

I can guess how tired she is. She never was able to sleep well on a leviship. Her mind just couldn't equate the perpetual movement of the ship with the need of her body to lie still and rest. Father would schedule any trips that required taking a leviship accordingly, using short routes during daylight hours, but she didn't have that choice *living* aboard the Crusade. She had to adapt or stay awake for weeks on end.

Her adaptation wasn't complete though. She went from hot bath to bed immediately after returning to the palace and from the sound of it, would like to continue with the bed portion indefinitely. She'll need to be lured out.

It's simply a matter of supplying her with another thing that must have been in short supply on the Crusade. "I have food, Millerna. Vegetables in the herb sauce you always liked. Here's a choice piece of shellfish just dripping with butter. And this custard and berry trifle looks amazing, though you might want to have the fruit tortes instead."

"Breakfast in bed?" she asks hopefully.

"Lunch in bed," I revise.

Millerna pushes out of her cocoon, sits up against the headboard and gladly relieves me of the tray. She pours tea, a glass for her and me, while munching on a roll. "Honeyed bread," she enthuses. "So much better than the tack Kio made."

"Which one is he?"

"The big one. The really, really big one. He's not normally a cook, but no one else wanted to do it. Well, Mr. Mole offered but a couple of the men were very vocal about that not happening." She smiles as she delves into her own experiences in the kitchen. "I volunteered to help, insisted even after everyone objected because I'm a princess. They eventually relented but then they objected again because I'm a terrible cook. Did you know it's possible to burn the inside of a pot if you leave it sitting on the fire long enough?"

"They could have given you a timer," I jest.

"Along with a recipe book and cooking lessons," she adds. "In retrospect, maybe we should have sent Dryden's assistant back on the Crusade and kept his lead ship for ourselves. It's slower than the Crusade, but it also comes equipped with a full galley and the staff to man it."

"It must have been quite the adventure for you."

"The journey back from Atlantis wasn't so bad." I notice she skips the journey there. "It was different, to say the least, living on a leviship with a group of men. They did their best to accommodate me, but really, I was the one who should have adjusted to them."

"They are Asturian soldiers, Millerna. Even if they don't wear the proper uniform, they've pledged their allegiance to the crown."

"I don't know if that's where their ultimate loyalty lies," she says, probably referring to Allen given how readily they aided him in his escape. "They were very respectful, though. Of course, if they hadn't been, Gaddes would have yelled at them. He plays the gruff solider for the crew but he's actually a gentleman with more manners around a lady than some nobles have. Merle hounded him continuously about when we were going to get back to Palas but he never snapped at her.

I felt sorry for her; she was so worried about Van…"

Her sympathy for the catgirl has a twinge of empathy in it. Fanel wasn't the only man to return early. Like in her letter, Millerna seems to be avoiding talk of Allen. I won't push that just yet. There are so many other things to cover -- Father's health, Chid (though we won't be able to discuss him without Allen), Atlantis and another person whose name Millerna has only said in passing so far.

Atlantis would be the easiest topic to transition to, but it's the least important. I take the second easiest instead. "What about Dryden? How did you get along with him?"

Her reaction is not what I expected. She pauses thoughtfully. Before she would dismiss him outright. Now she makes an admission that is difficult and troublesome to her in its honesty. "He came on very strong at first, suggesting that we get married right away and telling me how wonderful he is. But he realized how uncomfortable that made me so he backed off after that. I know we wouldn't have gotten to Atlantis without him. He wasn't very… considerate… when he was reading Leon Schezar's journal but he was the only one who could have done it. And when Van, Hitomi and Allen disappeared, I wanted to stay and search for them. He could have just told me we were going back to Palas and leave it at that, but he explained why he thought it was best instead. He knew I was mad at him for that so he stayed away from me for a while. He stuck around Merle a lot, trying to distract her from missing Van. When he was sort of successful with that, he turned his tricks on me. He gave us books to read and kept asking what we thought about them. He kept telling us stories about all the countries he had been to and then he would start exaggerating more and more until it was obvious he was just making it all up. Merle hissed at him a couple of times, but you know, I don't think she was worrying about Van when Dryden was talking. And when Merle wasn't around and it was just the two of us, we would talk. Actually, I would tell him why he was wrong to not look for the others more, why nothing would ever come of our supposed engagement and other stuff about how I was going to make Father and the council see how bad Zaibach is. Dryden would stand there taking it all in.

I can say that for him," Millerna concludes, "He knows when to talk and when to listen."

"That's a good quality to have in a man."

There were subtler ways to say it, but Millerna doesn't take offense at my insinuation. "I know, Eries. I know I could do a lot worse than having Dryden Fassa as a fiancée too. He says he loves me," she says. "I… I believe him."

"Does that mean you're going to go ahead with the engagement?"

"I don't know. I like him but I don't -- " The words catch in her throat, like she's heard them before and they frighten her. She picks at the food she no longer wants to eat while saying blankly, "It's my duty. It's the fate of women born of the blood."

I've heard that phrase before. Marlene, unduly influenced by the histrionics of sentimental novels, would say it to me occasionally during her periods of depression. Millerna wasn't of an age at the time for Marlene to talk to her so frankly and she spent too much time reading medical journals to pick up the language of melodramatic romance tales.

"Marlene used to say the same thing…"

"I'm paraphrasing her diary," she admits. Pushing aside the tray, she hugs her legs close to her chest. "I found it in her old villa in Freid. I shouldn't have read it. She hid it away in that big music box she used to keep in her bedroom just so no one could read it. But once I got started and realized what it was… I was so young when she went away. I wanted to know more about her."

I nod in agreement. I miss our sister too. To have her most private life out on a page, to be able to achieve that kind of intimacy with her again so long after she's been gone, would be an irresistible temptation. I would have started to read it myself. Knowing why Marlene would have used that phrase while in Freid, I understand why Millerna was compelled to keep reading and why she wanted to talk to me about Chid.

"I discovered something, Eries. Something that happened before Marlene went to Freid…"

She doesn't want to say it; it's something I should have told her long ago when trying to dissuade her of her crush on Allen.

"I know, Millerna," I say. I sit down on the bed beside her and share that knowledge. From the start of Marlene's first glimpse of Allen at the tournament that won him his Caeli rank to the first visit our family paid to Mahad, Marlene and their newborn son, I tell her the secrets I've kept buried. They empty out, carrying grief and regrets and a breath of relief. Though they belonged to Marlene, I always felt their burden. They were entangled in my life too, forcing separation and distance into the relationships that should have been the closest. Now free, I can feel the secrets working in reverse, bridging the gaps and binding Millerna and I and even Marlene together.

Not everything flows out into the open. There are details that should be left private, pieces that no longer seem important and one truth that refuses to come out, although Millerna's prodding comes perilously close to shaking it loose.

"Poor Marlene… I remember how sad she was all the time and then that summer before she went to Freid, she was happy again… I just accepted it. My sister wanted to play with me again, that's all that mattered. I didn't care *why* she was happy. And the way everything ended…"

I used to wish she would examine her motives and actions more critically, but I didn't want her to do it overly much. "You were nine years old, Millerna. This isn't the kind of thing nine-year-olds should know about. In fact, the fewer people who knew about it, the better."

"But Marlene confided in you. She must have wanted to be able to tell someone about it."

"Actually, it was Allen who told me about them. He came to me beforehand and asked me what I -- " Old reflexes kick in and warn me I'm giving away too much. "It doesn't matter who told whom," I finish feebly.

It matters to Millerna. "Allen asked you about Marlene first? I didn't think the two of you were that… close. I mean… I saw you at balls dancing together now and then but… I thought that was just part of being a princess and a knight."

My more cynical side picks up a fragment of an unintentional insult, as if I couldn't possibly have had contact with Allen for any reason other than diplomatic. That's not what Millerna meant; she's just remembering what she knows about us through the perspective of the naïve child she was back then, but it's enough to let me slide back into my habit of only telling her half the story.

Unfortunately, that doesn't work on her anymore. The same new attitude that had her speaking favorably of Dryden now has her questioning the simple 'oh, yes, we were friends for awhile' line that I gave her heedless of what further damage it might do to the shining image she had of Allen. "Eries, that's not something you share with someone who's 'just a friend'. It sounds like he was asking for your approval. He must have really respected and trusted you."

"Millerna…"

"Did he tell you about Chid, too?"

Her tenacity hasn't changed at all. She's caught a glimpse of something, a hint of the tangled past Allen and I share, and she won't let it go back into the dark I kept it in. Regardless of the warning Marlene's diary could have been that some things are better left unknown, she's pursuing this, asking when I first found out about Chid and how much I really know. Then her unanswered questions start going back farther. How long and how well do I know Allen anyway?

The eagerness in her voice reflects the pleading curiosity in her eyes. In discovering the secrets of one sister, she's come so close to revealing those of the other's. It would make such a bizarre confession. Guess what, Millerna? I have more in common with you and Marlene than you thought!

It just wouldn't be a relevant one. The facts that exist outside my heart really are that Allen and I were just friends. That line was never crossed. Any leanings over the edge I perceived never came to anything. I've accepted that but I still can't bring myself to look at my sister and tell her about something that never truly was.

We were fourteen. I talked to him before he went off to training and helped him with legal matters regarding his family's estate when he got back. We became close friends after that and continued on thusly, until we stopped talking to each other completely in the spring. These are the easy, tangible details that can't be disputed, that aren't open to wishful interpretation.

Millerna tries to but has the same difficulty I do. She asks, "Did you… ?" and lapses back into silence. Finding out your sister and the man you said you were in love with had a profound friendship you never even knew about must be enough for a person to digest without searching for thornier complications.

Her meal effectively over, Millerna plays with the remains. "I guess I should get dressed now. Father probably can't wait to give me a lecture about how irresponsible I've been. Is there any chance he'll be so happy to see me, he won't say anything?"

Her smile quickly changes into a wary 'gods, what's coming next?' expression when I don't answer right away. It would be humorous if I didn't know what was coming next.

"Millerna… while you were gone… Father…. He fell ill. He hasn't recovered as well as we hoped… "

"What?! Eries?! Why didn't you tell me last night?"

"His condition hasn't gotten much better, but it hasn't gotten any worse. I knew you would see him today and I thought you deserved to get some rest before then." I thought she needed to get some rest. Mentally and physically exhausted, she wasn't in any condition to confront a blunt display of Father's mortality.

Nor does she look ready to today. Millerna shakes her head back and forth, with tears forming at the corners of her eyes, but she doesn't make any move to get up. I want her to start asking me about his symptoms, what his treatments are and all the other hundreds of irritating questions she used to have whenever someone was sick and she wanted to play doctor. I want her to because I think I know why she's not.

"It's because I went away, isn't it?" Millerna says in confirmation. "It was because he was so worried about me. He couldn't bear the thought of losing another daughter."

"The situation with Zaibach caused him a great deal of stress… "

She doesn't want to be coddled by excuses. They didn't work on me either when I came up with them to ease my own guilt. "I caused him more. Look me in the eye and tell me, Eries, that that isn't the main reason it happened." She doesn't give me the chance. "I knew he would worry about me, but I never thought… "

"He's our father, Millerna, and a king. He's supposed to be a strong, commanding figure that never waivers, never weakens. I know that's not true. I know how sick he got after Mother died and how hard he took Marlene's death. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it to be true and letting myself be deluded when he is healthy."

"I know what you mean," Millerna says, taking strength from the shared weakness. "He's Father… but he's so much more than that. People fight for the privilege of meeting him and everyone goes silent when he talks. His face is on our currency, for Jichia's sake. He just seems… eternal. Whatever happens, he'll overcome it and be just as strong as ever. I think that's why I was so upset about his refusal to stand up to Zaibach. I didn't want to believe that there was something out there that he couldn't handle, that anyone could make Father bend to their will."

"That didn't stop you from trying."

Millerna smiles at the attempt to lighten the mood, but it's bittersweet. "I used to also think that I would always get my way. The word 'no' never got much usage when Father talked to me, at least not until last year. I didn't have a good reaction to hearing it. So now I think of the arguments we had and then of him being sick… It's like I took his being there for granted and wasted that time."

"But know you not to." Taking her hand and recalling the talks I had with him before his last attack, I admit, "It's something I had to learn too."

"Gods, Eries. We can't lose him. It hurt so much losing Marlene. I still miss her. Being in Freid, walking into that villa… It's been years and yet it felt wrong without her. I couldn't help but think 'Marlene should be here to greet me' and 'Chid's too young to have to do this on his own'."

Our nephew's name brings fresh tears. "It doesn't seem fair, how quickly a life can fall apart. We're worried about losing Father; Chid already has lost his. I can't imagine what it's like for him. I grew up without a mother but a never knew her to really mourn her. I don't know which is worse. Then he had to watch the palace collapse and know that the people inside, the people he cared about, died to protect him. When the Duke died… I don't see how Chid endured it… "

I can't fathom it either. After learning about Mahad's death, I sent condolences through unofficial channels to Freid. A man named Kaja, who said he now served as the new Duke's head advisor, answered them. This Kaja claimed Chid was doing well, going out among his shaken people and observing religious ceremonies in the public temples. It was as if he was doing too well. Freidians are typically stoic people. Few things are more important to them than the proficient execution of their duties. Their gods are one of those things. I hope Chid is finding solace in the teachings of the monks instead of pushing away the emotions that are too hard to deal with.

"He was so brave," Millerna says. "When we were leaving Freid, he told me not to worry about him. He said his father had left the future of Freid in his hands and he wouldn't have done that if he didn't think he could do it. Can you believe that, Eries? After all he had been through and he was coping better than I ever could."

"Yes, he's being very brave…"

Millerna frowns at my lukewarm response. "You're worried that he's just putting up a front, aren't you? I was worried about that myself, especially after seeing how much he cried when the temple collapsed. The Duke told him not to cry, that hardship was part of being a ruler of Freid."

That must have sounded harsh to an outsider, but being born royalty myself, I know what Mahad was talking about. The same flawed view Millerna and I had of Father is held even more strongly by the people. When the people are recovering from a tragedy, it needs to become a reality. I can't help, though, but to feel that it's too much to ask of a boy barely over five years old.

"But you're sure it wasn't an act for Chid?"

"It's was the way he talked, that sad smile on his face. I could tell he was in pain but I don't think he was ignoring it. It was more like he was dealing with it by being the kind of duke Brother wanted him to be, like it was the best way to honor him."

"Keeping his father's memory alive by emulating him. That's a sophisticated concept for a child but then our nephew is an exceptional little boy."

"I won't argue with that," Millerna sighs. "He'll be a good duke. He'll serve the Freidians well. Better, I think, than I've been serving Asturia."

"If this is about leaving again -- "

"No, Eries. Despite Father's health, despite my motives, I think it was best that I left. If I hadn't rendezvoused with the Crusade when I did, if I hadn't been there to operate… "

A portion of her letter comes back to me. She had written something about her medical skills being needed. I thought she was talking about casualties in Freid, but obviously I was wrong. "Who did you operate on?"

"He didn't tell you? He almost died. You said you weren't close any more but something like that... "

There's only one man she would say that about. It's a shock that Allen's life was in jeopardy but it's not that he didn't tell me. After all, he found his father and the only way I know that is because I eavesdropped on him.

"No, Millerna. I gather you're talking about Allen and he has not said a word, not even in the official reports he gave to Lord Ramkin and the council."

"He probably didn't want to go through it again. I could barely stand it and I wasn't the one with the injury."

She starts by giving me the account that was given to her by Hitomi and then goes into her own part of the story. There was a fight between Fanel and a squadron from Zaibach that would have ended badly for the king if not for Allen's intervention. It would have been worse for Hitomi if Allen hadn't used his guymelef, Scherazade, to shield her. For his heroics, he received a wound that would have cost him his life if a doctor hadn't been there to stop the bleeding.

The medical training I was determined to put a stop to ended up saving the life of the man who was once the center of mine. I should thank my sister for being more stubborn than I was willing to be controlling.

I'm not sure how she would take the gratitude. Getting the chance to practice the medicine she longed to study seems to have changed her opinion of it. "It was horrible, Eries. There was blood everywhere and all I could do is stand around yelling for a doctor. I felt helpless. I just blanked on everything I had learned. I faced my first crisis and I panicked."

"But you must have pulled yourself together long enough to do the operation."

"Because Mr. Mole persuaded me to. I was ready to give up and he had to talk me into to. He gave me my medical bag and pointed out to me that if I didn't do it, no one else would."

"That must have been a lot of pressure on you."

"Hmm. It's odd how this works, but once I knew it was what everyone expected of me, it was easier to accept doing it."

"That's not odd, Millerna. That's how young royals are supposed to act."

"Maybe," she says. "When I first started, all I could think of is what would happened if I failed. But thinking like that would make me fail so I had to push it out and just focus on what my teacher showed me and what the book said. It was exhausting. I passed out after I finished."

"You talk as if you don't ever want to do it again… "

The forgotten food grabs her attention again as Millerna thinks over her answer. This is something that has been weighing heavily on her and when she does speak, it's isn't just her studies she's been considering. "I don't want to give up medicine, Eries. I saved someone's life, someone I care about. I know now that I wasn't taken it seriously enough. It was a hobby and a way to rebel. I said I wanted to be a doctor, but all I thought about was the glory, not the blood and the fact that people could die because I wasn't prepared to do my job. But at the same time, given what Brother did and what Chid is doing in Freid, I know I didn't take my responsibilities as a princess seriously enough either. I want to change that, Eries. I was born a princess, but I want to become a doctor. I realize I can't expect to be able to do the latter without fulfilling my duties as the former first."

I can feel it. This is why she was so careful when describing Dryden. She was closer to the cusp of a decision than I realized. Now she's reached it.

"I'm going to agree to marry Dryden. He'll be a good husband and after hearing his ideas on women, I know he won't stop me from studying medicine. He'll probably help me out with it. But I am going to wait on that. I don't think the situation with Zaibach is going to just go away and I want Asturia to be stable before indulging my own interests. And I want Father to be well."

I'm so proud of her. On her own, she's accepted her duties and found a way to pursue her passion. I must admit, it's more than I've been able to do. She's also apparently put her fixation on Allen in a proper place. If she were still obsessed, I don't think she would have come to conclusion she did about Dryden.

Allen does still figure into her marital concerns though. "I want this wedding to be a new start, Eries. For me, for Asturia, for everyone. After reading Marlene's diary, I don't know what to make of whatever it was going on between Allen and I, but I want it to be a new start for him too. I just don't think I'd be able to talk to him about this. Now that I know you used to be friends with him… "

"Millerna… In the past, maybe I could have talked to him… But I don't know about now."

"Eries, please?"

I can't say no to her now, not after she's made the decision she's made. I promise her I'll consider it at least.

There's only one more thing. "When we were in Freid, a message came saying Allen had been charged with treason. Charges like that aren't taken lightly. Have they been dropped yet?"

"No, they're still pending."

"Get them dropped, Eries. Get them dropped as soon as possible. The council will listen to you, but they'd probably laugh at me if I suggested it. I'm going to go see Father and then Dryden. After that, it won't be long until the entire kingdom knows. I want Allen to know that his status as a Caeli is safe before he hears about the wedding. I know, I know. I might be overestimating his reaction but -- "

"I understand, Millerna. I'll talk to the council. They're in a meeting now. I'll address them after they adjourn. If all goes well, the charges will be dropped this afternoon."

She spills her tray on the bed sheet as she goes to hug me. This newfound closeness makes it worth having to deal with the council. I hope it will lend me strength to confront Allen openly and honestly without having to run away.

***

Author's Notes: Yep, I'm doing splitting up chapters again. It's just been so long since I posted and I didn't want anyone thinking I had abandoned this story. Plus, this section is rather lengthy (don't want to give anyone headaches from reading off the computer screen for too long x_x) and stands on its own.

Since we have a similar readership, I'm sure some of you caught Ron and his Sakura's announcement that Sakura has produced fan art for Asturia: Love & Duty. She's also produced some artwork for Girl and this fic! She has a gallery up at Media Miner. I would give you the direct link, but ff.net keeps stripping it out no matter how many ways I try to format so just stick a www. in front of mediaminer.org and browse their fan art section. If Media Miner's server is being poopy (and it usually is), you can find most of the pics at my Eries shrine. Again, ff.net isn't liking the links tonight so just go through my author profile. Bleh, I need to learn more about html.

Next Up: One Wedding… Oh, you know the title already!