Disclaimer: Not mine, all you recognize belongs to the brilliant J.K.
Rowling, may she forgive me.
I have a cold, which has severely limited my social life. Obviously I could use this time in a responsible way and study for my GRE. Obviously, that's not what I chose to do. I don't like this chapter at all, but I'm using it to get to something else.
Chapter 8- On Former Families
Lily did not know what to feel when she woke up and found James gone. Anger at his unnatural moodiness and stubborn refusal to admit something was wrong. Sadness, that he obviously felt he couldn't talk to her. And through the sting of rejection, anxiety that he would do something rash before he managed to work through his problem. And what's more, she thought, now I can't sleep either.
So she was sitting in a chair by the window, watching the moonlight cut through the mist around Avalon, when he came back in. He stopped in surprise at the empty bed.
"I'm right here." She said, through the darkness.
He turned and saw her sitting there. "I'm sorry." He said promptly.
Whatever she had been expecting, it was not that. "For...for what?"
"For being so bloody awful lately. I haven't been treating you well at all. If it makes any difference, I was never meaning to hurt you. In a weird kind of way, I was trying to protect you." He shrugged. "It seemed to make sense at the time."
"Didn't it occur to you that the idea that you felt you couldn't tell me things hurt much worse than whatever you could actually tell me?"
"It didn't before tonight, and I know I'm a thick prat to not realize it."
"You are, and despite that I still love you. So tell me. Whatever it is James, it's something we can deal with."
He began to pace, wondering where to start. After several moments of his attempting to wear a path in the carpet, she stood and walked over and stopped him, putting her hands on his shoulders and forcing him to sit on the bed.
"It's like, I'm trying to hold everything together, and more and more keeps getting added, and now it's all just slipping, I can't hold onto everything anymore. I'm going to drop everything and then everyone's going to get hurt, and it will be my fault."
Lily couldn't even work a twisted logic out of what he had just said, but she thought she glimpsed where it was coming from. People getting hurt..or people getting killed, and James feeling it was his fault. Still, she didn't want him to feel like she was pushing him, so she tried to phrase it as delicately as possible.
"James.if it's.your parents, there's nothing you could have done."
She thought about the events of the previous winter. James had always been close to his parents. The adored only child, their absolute pride and joy, he'd been hopelessly spoiled, he could do no wrong, and always lived with the comfortable knowledge that he was loved. Even after he'd married Lily and they'd moved into their own house, he visited often, to have tea with his Mum or help his Dad with a project.
The week that they died, they had sent him several owls asking him to stop by, but he had put it off because he was busy at work. When he finally did get to their house, on a beautiful, crisp, Friday afternoon, stopping by with Sirius after work, it had been to find the Dark Mark hovering in the sky over their house.
Everyone knew why they had been targeted. An old, well-known and well-liked wizarding family, they were wealthy and influential. They had come out vocally from the beginning against Voldemort and loudly criticized the Ministry's lack of action in those early days when he still could have been stopped, before he became so powerful.
James had been stoic, everyone had commented upon how well he was taking it, how strong he was, how well he was handling the shock. Lily had seen it as well, he had not seemed particularly sad, he had never cried, he had just acted as thought the arrangements and funeral were something slightly disagreeable that had to be gotten through. She had not known what to sat to him then, and she did not know now.
"My parents." He muttered, shaking his head slowly. "My parents." He took a deep breath, as though he could not get enough air. "They were very talented. Everyone says so. How could they have died?"
Lily took a breath, to remind him that Voldemort killed using dark magic that his parents would never sink to, but he went on before she could speak.
"Maybe if I had been there, if they'd just had another wand, but then-"
"But then you would have died too." The words escaped her without her even meaning to say them.
"And so maybe I should have!" He snapped, surprising her. "I..I think that's what I deserve.for letting them down.for being too busy to come while they were dying."
She wanted to shake him, to make him understand it was not his fault and he could stop carrying around all the guilt, but she sensed he needed to talk himself out, and she struggled to stay silent.
"And I was so angry." His voice had dropped to a whisper. "They left me, to deal with that for the rest of my life. And I did, because I'd already let them down and I couldn't again. And then everyone started saying how well I handled it, and how strong and mature I was being, and I saw that the act was working, and I couldn't let everyone else down as well, so I just kept on with it. Sometimes, I felt like I couldn't, like I just wanted to shout and tell people to stop saying the empty things that were supposed to be comforting. But I realized I could go on, because there were other things I had to live for. There was you. And that made it possible for me to keep it all up."
His voice caught, and he stared straight ahead, blinking very hard. Lily felt tears on her own cheeks and did not bother to brush them away. She had always sensed he felt guilty over his parents death, she had never realized how much he kept inside.
"But then the other day." He went on, though he was shaking with the effort. "The other day when you almost died. I realized that I would have nothing then. Nothing to keep living for." He took a shuddering breath, gasping for air. "It's not fair."
"What isn't?" She asked gently, stroking his hair as though he was a very small boy.
"That it has to be this way, that I have to lose everyone I love. I thought I could protect you, but I can't..and now I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do it, it's all slipping away."
There was a long silence between them, there was no sound in the room but James ragged breathing, which slowly became more regular. Lily moved from his side and knelt in front of him, looking directly into his eyes.
"You don't have to save the world alone James. We all have to do something, that's true, but if you take it all on yourself you're bound to fail. Nobody, not even Dumbledore, can win this fight alone. But you're not alone, ever. You don't have to hide anything from me. I know you're not perfect, I don't want you to be. I'll love you anyway."
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, now red and wet. And then he smiled at her, the first real smile anyone had seen from him in a long time. He reached out, almost tentatively, and took the hand she had placed on his arm while she was talking.
"I love you too. And that's enough, for tonight at least."
******
Morgan got as far as the stairs, and then stopped, sitting on the top step. Yes, she had told Dumbledore she would go to bed, but the thought of going back to the room she had slept in as a child, where she felt as though she couldn't breathe, did not seem bearable just yet. All around her were the pictures of her ancestors on her father's side. People always thought she looked like Sirius, her cousin on her mother's side, but she thought she looked like these Scots, except for the icy blue eyes what now looked back at her from every picture.
That was the thing about families. No matter how you tried to escape them you were reminded of them whenever you looked in a mirror, whenever you signed your name, or whenever you had to come home. And if there was no escaping them, they had to be faced. Morgan stood, encouraged by Dumbledore's words to her a few minutes ago, and marched downstairs to the formal sitting room. She knew that was where Sirius had places the portrait of her father he had torn off the wall earlier.
The portrait was leaning facing the wall. She threw a flame from her wand into the fireplace and then heaved the heavy frame around. He blinked at her in confusion as she had just awakened him, and then hissed "You!"
"Yes, me." She replied flatly, crossing her arms. She had stood up to him once, before, she could do it again.
"Get out of this place! You have no right to be in this house! You're not my daughter!"
"Actually, this is MY house. You're dead."
"You're not my child, not after how you've betrayed me, gone against everything I tried to teach you! You're just like your mother!"
"And do you know what this house is being used for now?" She went on. "To fight him. All your precious defensive spells to protect those who are going to fight your master! I'm alive and standing here and you're dead, who's more powerful now?"
"You'll never even comprehend the power the Dark Lord could have given you."
"I don't want his kind of power. I don't want power that comes from killing and terror. Do you know what Mum said to me before I left for Hogwart's? She said I still had time to decide what kind of witch I was going to be. Well, I have decided and I'd much rather be like her than like you."
"She never understood either..."
"Is that why you killed her?" Morgan felt her voice rising, despite herself.
"I did not kill Ceres, she took her own life." Now the man in the portrait was the one controlling his voice.
"You drove her to it!" His daughter yelled back.
"Morgan."
It was not the portrait that spoke her name, but someone behind her. She spun around. Remus was standing in the doorway, looking completely composed.
"I wouldn't disturb you, but you'll wake up the whole house, and I don't think you want that."
"How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough."
_________________________________________
Sus- I'm not using anything for inspiration on Avalon, but to muggle eyes I think it might look a bit like Kilchurn Castle, the one we took the boat with the cute little old man to? And I agree James was getting a little too angsty, he'll be more normal now, but the poor guy's had a hard time of it.
Maybe it's time to stop mixing cold meds and red wine when I start to feel sorry for fictional characters...
I have a cold, which has severely limited my social life. Obviously I could use this time in a responsible way and study for my GRE. Obviously, that's not what I chose to do. I don't like this chapter at all, but I'm using it to get to something else.
Chapter 8- On Former Families
Lily did not know what to feel when she woke up and found James gone. Anger at his unnatural moodiness and stubborn refusal to admit something was wrong. Sadness, that he obviously felt he couldn't talk to her. And through the sting of rejection, anxiety that he would do something rash before he managed to work through his problem. And what's more, she thought, now I can't sleep either.
So she was sitting in a chair by the window, watching the moonlight cut through the mist around Avalon, when he came back in. He stopped in surprise at the empty bed.
"I'm right here." She said, through the darkness.
He turned and saw her sitting there. "I'm sorry." He said promptly.
Whatever she had been expecting, it was not that. "For...for what?"
"For being so bloody awful lately. I haven't been treating you well at all. If it makes any difference, I was never meaning to hurt you. In a weird kind of way, I was trying to protect you." He shrugged. "It seemed to make sense at the time."
"Didn't it occur to you that the idea that you felt you couldn't tell me things hurt much worse than whatever you could actually tell me?"
"It didn't before tonight, and I know I'm a thick prat to not realize it."
"You are, and despite that I still love you. So tell me. Whatever it is James, it's something we can deal with."
He began to pace, wondering where to start. After several moments of his attempting to wear a path in the carpet, she stood and walked over and stopped him, putting her hands on his shoulders and forcing him to sit on the bed.
"It's like, I'm trying to hold everything together, and more and more keeps getting added, and now it's all just slipping, I can't hold onto everything anymore. I'm going to drop everything and then everyone's going to get hurt, and it will be my fault."
Lily couldn't even work a twisted logic out of what he had just said, but she thought she glimpsed where it was coming from. People getting hurt..or people getting killed, and James feeling it was his fault. Still, she didn't want him to feel like she was pushing him, so she tried to phrase it as delicately as possible.
"James.if it's.your parents, there's nothing you could have done."
She thought about the events of the previous winter. James had always been close to his parents. The adored only child, their absolute pride and joy, he'd been hopelessly spoiled, he could do no wrong, and always lived with the comfortable knowledge that he was loved. Even after he'd married Lily and they'd moved into their own house, he visited often, to have tea with his Mum or help his Dad with a project.
The week that they died, they had sent him several owls asking him to stop by, but he had put it off because he was busy at work. When he finally did get to their house, on a beautiful, crisp, Friday afternoon, stopping by with Sirius after work, it had been to find the Dark Mark hovering in the sky over their house.
Everyone knew why they had been targeted. An old, well-known and well-liked wizarding family, they were wealthy and influential. They had come out vocally from the beginning against Voldemort and loudly criticized the Ministry's lack of action in those early days when he still could have been stopped, before he became so powerful.
James had been stoic, everyone had commented upon how well he was taking it, how strong he was, how well he was handling the shock. Lily had seen it as well, he had not seemed particularly sad, he had never cried, he had just acted as thought the arrangements and funeral were something slightly disagreeable that had to be gotten through. She had not known what to sat to him then, and she did not know now.
"My parents." He muttered, shaking his head slowly. "My parents." He took a deep breath, as though he could not get enough air. "They were very talented. Everyone says so. How could they have died?"
Lily took a breath, to remind him that Voldemort killed using dark magic that his parents would never sink to, but he went on before she could speak.
"Maybe if I had been there, if they'd just had another wand, but then-"
"But then you would have died too." The words escaped her without her even meaning to say them.
"And so maybe I should have!" He snapped, surprising her. "I..I think that's what I deserve.for letting them down.for being too busy to come while they were dying."
She wanted to shake him, to make him understand it was not his fault and he could stop carrying around all the guilt, but she sensed he needed to talk himself out, and she struggled to stay silent.
"And I was so angry." His voice had dropped to a whisper. "They left me, to deal with that for the rest of my life. And I did, because I'd already let them down and I couldn't again. And then everyone started saying how well I handled it, and how strong and mature I was being, and I saw that the act was working, and I couldn't let everyone else down as well, so I just kept on with it. Sometimes, I felt like I couldn't, like I just wanted to shout and tell people to stop saying the empty things that were supposed to be comforting. But I realized I could go on, because there were other things I had to live for. There was you. And that made it possible for me to keep it all up."
His voice caught, and he stared straight ahead, blinking very hard. Lily felt tears on her own cheeks and did not bother to brush them away. She had always sensed he felt guilty over his parents death, she had never realized how much he kept inside.
"But then the other day." He went on, though he was shaking with the effort. "The other day when you almost died. I realized that I would have nothing then. Nothing to keep living for." He took a shuddering breath, gasping for air. "It's not fair."
"What isn't?" She asked gently, stroking his hair as though he was a very small boy.
"That it has to be this way, that I have to lose everyone I love. I thought I could protect you, but I can't..and now I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do it, it's all slipping away."
There was a long silence between them, there was no sound in the room but James ragged breathing, which slowly became more regular. Lily moved from his side and knelt in front of him, looking directly into his eyes.
"You don't have to save the world alone James. We all have to do something, that's true, but if you take it all on yourself you're bound to fail. Nobody, not even Dumbledore, can win this fight alone. But you're not alone, ever. You don't have to hide anything from me. I know you're not perfect, I don't want you to be. I'll love you anyway."
He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, now red and wet. And then he smiled at her, the first real smile anyone had seen from him in a long time. He reached out, almost tentatively, and took the hand she had placed on his arm while she was talking.
"I love you too. And that's enough, for tonight at least."
******
Morgan got as far as the stairs, and then stopped, sitting on the top step. Yes, she had told Dumbledore she would go to bed, but the thought of going back to the room she had slept in as a child, where she felt as though she couldn't breathe, did not seem bearable just yet. All around her were the pictures of her ancestors on her father's side. People always thought she looked like Sirius, her cousin on her mother's side, but she thought she looked like these Scots, except for the icy blue eyes what now looked back at her from every picture.
That was the thing about families. No matter how you tried to escape them you were reminded of them whenever you looked in a mirror, whenever you signed your name, or whenever you had to come home. And if there was no escaping them, they had to be faced. Morgan stood, encouraged by Dumbledore's words to her a few minutes ago, and marched downstairs to the formal sitting room. She knew that was where Sirius had places the portrait of her father he had torn off the wall earlier.
The portrait was leaning facing the wall. She threw a flame from her wand into the fireplace and then heaved the heavy frame around. He blinked at her in confusion as she had just awakened him, and then hissed "You!"
"Yes, me." She replied flatly, crossing her arms. She had stood up to him once, before, she could do it again.
"Get out of this place! You have no right to be in this house! You're not my daughter!"
"Actually, this is MY house. You're dead."
"You're not my child, not after how you've betrayed me, gone against everything I tried to teach you! You're just like your mother!"
"And do you know what this house is being used for now?" She went on. "To fight him. All your precious defensive spells to protect those who are going to fight your master! I'm alive and standing here and you're dead, who's more powerful now?"
"You'll never even comprehend the power the Dark Lord could have given you."
"I don't want his kind of power. I don't want power that comes from killing and terror. Do you know what Mum said to me before I left for Hogwart's? She said I still had time to decide what kind of witch I was going to be. Well, I have decided and I'd much rather be like her than like you."
"She never understood either..."
"Is that why you killed her?" Morgan felt her voice rising, despite herself.
"I did not kill Ceres, she took her own life." Now the man in the portrait was the one controlling his voice.
"You drove her to it!" His daughter yelled back.
"Morgan."
It was not the portrait that spoke her name, but someone behind her. She spun around. Remus was standing in the doorway, looking completely composed.
"I wouldn't disturb you, but you'll wake up the whole house, and I don't think you want that."
"How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough."
_________________________________________
Sus- I'm not using anything for inspiration on Avalon, but to muggle eyes I think it might look a bit like Kilchurn Castle, the one we took the boat with the cute little old man to? And I agree James was getting a little too angsty, he'll be more normal now, but the poor guy's had a hard time of it.
Maybe it's time to stop mixing cold meds and red wine when I start to feel sorry for fictional characters...