Ahem. Yes. Over 2 months. I have no excuse but that real life has become remarkably demanding in many ways. And I suspect this is only the eye of the storm, there is more to come. I am thinking of taking this story down entirely, editing out the parts I hate and some of the more glaring canon errors, and re-posting it when I actually have time to do it properly. Thoughts?
Chapter 23- Recovery
"Oy Sirius!" Morgan pounded on his door again. "Open the door!" She waited a moment, there was no sound from inside. She pounded again. "I know you're in there, open the door. I'm not leaving until you do." She waited a moment longer and there was no response. "You know I'm not too much of a lady to blast down this door Sirius Black!"
That worked, as she heard the bolt slide back, although he did not open the door, so she let herself in.
"Merlin, you look awful."
"Morgan, really, I just want you to leave me alone."
She shook her head. "Nope, I've left you alone, and I've decided you wallowed in self-pity long enough and it's time you snapped out of it. People are starting to wonder if you're okay."
"I don't want to see anyone, and if you're smart you'll stay away as well. With my luck I'll get you killed."
"Look, I know you're being all noble and drowning in guilt and whatnot, but we really don't have time for the drama."
That didn't have the desired effect, he went on staring dully out the window.
"It's not your fault Sirius. She had all of us fooled, she was really good at it. After Rob died…" She frowned and corrected herself. "…After she killed him that is, we all played right into her hands. It was a brilliant plan…there is no way you could have known." She knelt right in front of him so he couldn't avoid her gaze. "I wish you hadn't found out about her the way you did, Snape was a bastard to put it that way. He's not so all-knowing, he only found out the day before, and even then just because Malfoy let it slip. Sirius, we all fell for it."
When he said nothing, she went on. "I've just come from visiting James and Lily. They're fine, and so is the baby. And guess what, they found out it's a boy!"
She had hoped that that would at least elicit a comment, but there was nothing.
"Sirius, you have to stop taking this all on yourself. It's not your fault, and everything turned out okay. Everyone is safe."
"Oh really? What about Regulus?"
"No!" She said, more sharply than she meant to. "You absolutely cannot blame yourself for that. He brought it on himself when he joined the Death Eaters. You did what you could for him. He was his own man and he made his own bad choices through no fault of yours. If you want to blame anyone for what happened to Regulus, blame your parents, I've no doubt they encouraged him to Voldemort. It's not your fault he wasn't as strong as you."
He said nothing, it was as though he didn't even see her. "Sirius, please, don't do this to yourself…"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
James could not sleep. He knew he needed to sleep, he was exhausted, and after all they had been through, he ought to be. He glanced over at Lily, asleep, and could not shake the feeling that they had come close, too close. He would not lose her. Without her, he wouldn't have anything to fight for. Three times, they had barely escaped Voldemort, how many more times would their luck hold out? It was a dangerous world they lived in, and soon it would be more dangerous, soon there would be another person to protect, someone entirely defenseless.
Lily stirred. "You can't sleep either?"
He shook his head wordlessly, staring at the ceiling.
"Lily, should we just get out of it?" He finally said.
"What do you mean?"
"Get out of this. Get out of the war, out of the Order get out of the country if we have to. We could move away, somewhere where we'd be safe, where we wouldn't be looking over our shoulder for Voldemort all the time. Where the baby would be safe."
"Would you really be happy with that James?" She sounded as though she already knew the answer to that, and was just surprised that he didn't see it.
"If that's what it takes, to keep you safe, to keep him safe."
She smiled, and laid a hand against his cheek. "You're sweet, but you know it can't be that way. I don't know why now, or why here, but I know this is our battle James. We're a part of this, it's our world and we can't just walk away from it. You wouldn't be happy with that either. I know it sounds like the easiest thing to do and maybe the safest, the most sensible, but you wouldn't be able to live with yourself, knowing you'd left your friends behind to fight. Do you remember at graduation, when Dumbledore said we would someday have to choose between what was right and what was easy? This is that choice. It would be easier to leave this all behind, but it would be wrong. We'll protect this baby with everything we've got, but we'll do it here. I can't help thinking there's a reason we were born in this time and this place, there's a reason we're in this war. This is our battle, and whatever comes from it, we can't run away."
He stared at her, slightly illuminated by the moonlight from the window. His wife was not a seer, but sometimes she had a clarity and vision that made him wonder. He had never heard her speak with this sort of conviction before, and it frightened him a little. She softened it by then leaning and kissing him lightly. "And we're not going to be able to do it on no sleep. Try to sleep James."
"I wish I knew what was going to happen."
"We can't, all we can do is face it when it comes."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Remus arrived home, still quite early, to find Morgan asleep in his bed. He was pleased, although he didn't know if she'd intended to wait for him or if she'd just meant to "lie down for a moment" and fallen asleep, as that was what she usually did. He didn't want to wake her, she was exhausted, and in his opinion, trying to do too much. She was worried sick about Sirius, as they all were. Although they would both deny it violently, she and Sirius depended on each other and his depression and withdrawal over Juliet's real role in the war was more upsetting than she was letting on.
Though he didn't want to wake her, he could not help reaching out to brush back a lock of hair that was falling over her face. She was usually a deep sleeper, but now she stirred slightly and caught his hand, clutching it against her chest and immediately falling back asleep, her breathing slow and regular. He was now effectively trapped unless he woke her up. "Morgan, I need that hand back."
She stirred slightly and muttered "Hm" but did not release him.
"Hey, come on, you're going to have to wake up and let me go." He said, giving her shoulder a gentle shake with his other hand.
She opened her eyes, blinked at him in confusion, and released his hand. "De an uair a the e?"
He had picked up a few of her Gaelic expressions, mostly the more vulgar ones, since English tended to desert her when she was tired or upset. Now he raised an eyebrow.
"In English?"
"Oh." She rubbed her eyes and screwed up her face in thought. "I asked what time it was."
"Only half past nine. Did you see Sirius?"
She stretched and nodded, looking grim. "Nothing. No better. He just stares and never says anything unless it's to blame himself for everything. Even for Regulus."
"I'm going to ask James to go by and try talking to him again. Sometimes I've seen James snap him out of these moods when no one else can." He gave her a careful look. "Are you all right?"
"Me?" She looked confused. "Of course. Why?"
"Because you're always okay, and people just take it for granted. And even if you're not okay, you wouldn't say so unless someone asked. So I'm asking."
Unexpectedly, she smiled. "I love you."
He was speechless. How easily such things came to her. The words were so easy for her, she said them without any fear. She wasn't afraid to give him that much power, and he could do the same for her. Abandoning what he had been doing, in two steps he crossed the room towards the young woman sitting on his bed, watching her eyes darken as she looked up at him. She had the power to hurt him, but she could also save him, and he knew they all might need that before this war ended.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Your cover is blown then?"
Juliet rolled her shoulders slightly, tired and cold and sore, that was what she got for her years of living undercover, having to put up with all the tiresome Ministry work, having to put up with all their bumbling attempts to fight her master.
"Yes Bella, my cover is blown." She said tiredly, with no patience for the other woman, who looked positively gleeful. Bella had always resented the pull she had with the Dark Lord. There was no loyalty amongst Death Eaters, it was each man, or woman, for herself. "I'm glad really, it was tiresome. Aside from your cousin. He was amusing."
The comment hit its mark. To be reminded of that particular blemish on her family's record of service to the Dark Lord generally irritated her.
"He's a fool." She said sharply.
"He's a good shag." She replied airily, liking the horrified look that drew.
"Vulgar as always Juliet," came Lucius's smooth voice behind her. "Our Lord wishes to see you."
Her insides froze. He would be angry, her cover blown, her position compromised. It was not so much her position in the Ministry, he had other spies there, but her position so close to someone in Voldemort's inner circle had been valuable. Worse yet, she did not know who had blown her cover. Yes, he would be angry.
But the fault was hers, and so she would submit to whatever her master wanted from her. She pushed open the door to his chamber.
"My Lord."
The voice came, and in it the word she had expected.
"Crucio."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Sirius?" James knocked again, and as Morgan had predicted, there was no answer. "Sirius, mate, open the door."
Nothing.
"I know you're there, open the bloody door already."
He sighed and waited. Nothing.
"I'll blast through it if I have to."
As predicted, that worked. Maybe just concerned about the reactions of his neighbors if someone blasted his door in, Sirius opened the door. Morgan had been right, James noted immediately, he looked awful. He had clearly not slept in days.
"James, I just want to be left alone. I've already nearly gotten you killed once, don't give me the opportunity to finish the job." He stared to shut the door, but James stopped it with his hand.
"Listen, since you seem determined to be an idiot, let me spell it out for you. I'm standing right here Sirius. I'm not dead. I'm not leaving, until you understand that your friends are not going to let you do this to yourself. It's going to take a lot more than you to kill me pal." He pushed past Sirius, who didn't put up much of a resistance, into the apartment. "We all think it's about time you got over yourself. Mate, nobody knew. Lily was completely fooled, even tried to be friends with her. Even Dumbledore didn't know. I know you think pretty damn highly of yourself but you're not smarter than Dumbledore."
Sirius mumbled something that wasn't quite intelligible, but James made out "Regulus."
He crossed his arms over his chest. "What about him then? He dug his own grave with no help from you. It was a shame and bloody waste of a young man who was probably intelligent and able at some point, but he was poisoned by his family's ideology, and he made the wrong choices. It's a bloody shame Sirius, but they were his choices."
"That was my family too." Sirius snapped, his voice a little stronger.
"No, it was not." James said just as sharply. "Have you never listened to a damn thing Dumbledore has told us? It's about choices Sirius. Regulus chose to become a Death Eater, just as you chose not to. He stopped being your family years ago. You should know better, you should know who your real family is. For what it's worth Padfoot, I consider you a brother."
Grey eyes met hazel, and for the first time since he had come in, James saw, with a feeling a relief, a spark of life in his friend's.
"Lily could have died." He said pointedly, trying to get a rise out of James.
"Lily is fine." He replied mildly. "She said to see that you're eating properly."
"The entire Order could have been compromised." He went on.
"Well fuck it Sirius, the entire Order could be compromised any day, by any one of us. There are risks we all take because there is a war going on. We're not blind to those risks, and you really need to get over imagining that you are powerful enough to save or condemn all of us!"
There was a long silence, but James saw some of the darkness leave his face. Sometimes that was what you had to do to get through to Sirius. Finally he spoke.
"Morgan…she said…you found out it's a boy?"
An infectious grin spread across James's face. "Damn straight it's a boy. You should see the things I got for the nursery, all quidditch." He then turned very serious. "That's another reason I came to see you today. I needed to talk to you about something important. About the baby. We want you to be the Godfather."
Immediately, Sirius shook his head. "No James, not me. Ask Remus to do it."
"Why?"
"I'll just…screw it all up."
"Padfoot, I'm asking you. Do this. For me. For Lily. It would mean a lot. To both of us."
There was another long silence while James watching him look for another excuse. Finally, he shrugged, with the first real smile anyone had seen from him in weeks. "Well, for Lily maybe…"