SIX
"You've got the vertical part of the D too long!" Adrian fussed as Rob the stagehand worked to redraw the detective's erased name on his screen, "No, that's too big of a dot on the I!"
"Look pal, if you hadn't been screwing around with it, we wouldn't have to be going through with this right now!" Rob told him, "So just let me redo this without any interference, OK?"
"I guess so," Adrian shrugged, "It was a dirt smudge, though, see?" He held up his wipe for Rob to see. Rob nodded softly and walked off, saying, "Don't touch it again!" over his shoulder.
"So Adrian, is there anything else you need from us before we start Round 2?" Steve asked him from the wings.
"Uh sure, if you can get that light to stop blinking, that would be good," Adrian pointed to the one in question above him. Its flashing had gotten worse since he'd last looked at it.
"If you'd brought it up earlier, Adrian, we might have been able to fix it, but we're too far into taping now," Steve told him. "I wouldn't worry about it; it's not in an important position, as you can see."
"Who did put it up?" Adrian had to know.
"Your guess would be as good as mine," Steve shrugged, "Mike our regular light technician called in sick today, and the director assigned somebody to handle it—I don't know who, he always leaves me out of the loop on these things. It could have been anybody, as far as I know."
"Okay crew, get in positions, we're going in one minute," came Sam's voice over the intercom. Steve gave Adrian a pat on the back and scurried off. Adrian couldn't take his eyes off the light. There was just something about it that was bothering him, and wasn't just the blinking...
"I think what we're witnessing here today may be history," Karen said to the others, "If Adrian can hold his own here, it might make a great documentary."
"The big question being 'if,' sweetheart," Stottlemeyer reminded her, "Nothing's ever a given with Monk."
"Hey Leland, seeing what Adrian's done so far, I'd say he'd deserve a documentary regardless," Karen told him, "It's not every day that a man with OCD smashes his way to a Jeopardy win."
"Well then for your own sake just do this show, because otherwise you'd have to go through Monk's life, and that'll leave you with a forty- eight hour documentary that nobody'll watch, as if they really watch them anyway," her husband said.
"Are you insulting me, Leland?" his wife told sternly.
"No, not at all honey," Stottlemeyer said quickly.
"If you do make it, please put me on it," Monica asked Karen, "I'd love to put my five cents in on his brilliance."
"Thirty seconds," came the sound over the intercom. "I can't wait to the final round," Disher said to everyone, "Because you never know, he might use us for the Phone-a-Friend."
Everyone groaned. "Randy, you're not allowed to talk about game shows for the rest of the night, okay?" Stottlemeyer told him.
"What?" Disher looked confused, "What did I say?"
"This should be the last commercial," Ambrose said, pointing at the one on his screen.
"How can you tell?" Detective Adam Kirk had to know.
"The allotted one hundred and twenty seconds are almost up," Ambrose said, showing him his watch, which read 7:46:49.
"It's easy to see why you and he are brothers," would-be attorney Julie Parlo told Ambrose admiringly.
"It's a blessing," Ambrose said, "And a curse." He strode into the kitchen. "Pot roast is almost done," he said, taking a peek in the oven, "Now you're all staying afterwards, right?"
"I, uh, unfortunately have some work back at city hall," Burger said, looking like he was making it up.
"Well, I guess if you'd like I could send you a portion afterwards," Ambrose offered, "All you have to do is heat it back up and..."
"Thanks, but I'll pass," Burger said, holding up his hands.
The doorbell rang again. "Now who could it be this late?" Ambrose wondered. He opened the door to find a nerdy face greeting him. "Uh, it's Kevin, right?" he asked the newest arrival.
"That's me," Adrian's former neighbor said with a big smile, "And you must be Ambrose. Adrian told me lots of things about you, mostly negative, but I..."
"Uh, won't you come in?" Ambrose waved him in before the conversation could get too uncomfortable. "Hiya folks," Kevin greeted the others in Ambrose's living room, "I take it you're all the people Adrian's helped over the years? Boy I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, you see, this devil woman tried to seduce me out of this winning lottery ticket, and she left me on the train tracks to die, and Adrian showed up at the last minute and, well, I can't remember much else, because I was kind of drunk, but anyway, he..."
"Will you just sit down and be quiet!" Miranda St. Clair snapped, jerking her finger toward the nearest open sofa.
"Sure thing," Kevin grinned taking a seat next to Nelson, "So you're the real Willie Nelson?" he asked the singer, "I heard 'You Are Always on My Mind' live once and..."
"Here it comes," Cheryl announced as the music came back on. Kevin immediately silenced himself...for three seconds. "You know, I've been watching this since before Alex came on board," he said to Jared, who turned a deaf ear, "I mean, he really adds some chemistry to the show that..."
"I can see your practice time with your brother the other day really came in handy," Cheryl told Ambrose as he plopped back down in his armchair.
"Oh he really didn't need too much of it," Ambrose admitted, "He was always the super genius. I just helped him fill in the few blanks in his memory. It's a thrill to finally have him coming back over a regular basis again. I hope this means Dad'll be back soon, too, because he'd be so proud watching him on TV," he checked to make sure the VCR was recording the show, which it was, "I'll have it all ready on tape for him when he comes back."
There was a knock on the bars of Beiderbeck's cell. "Ladies, please do come in," the fat man said to murderous socialite Christine Rutherford and disgraced actress Jenna Ryan, who just managed to slide into the cramped confines of the cell. "Vicki couldn't come?" Beiderbeck inquired.
"She had to go to an emergency meeting with her lawyer, so unfortunately she had to pass," Christine explained, "We're not too late, are we? It would be a shame for you boys to have all the fun."
"No, there's still..." Beiderbeck checked his clock again, "eleven minutes and one second to zero hour. Dr. Navarre, Mr. Ashcomb, would you please be so kind as to offer the ladies your seats?"
"Do we have to?" Dr. Navarre whined.
"Yes, you do," the fat man told him. With sighs, the doctor and the former commissioner rose to their feet and let the women sit down. "How's the rat doing?" Jenna inquired.
"In pure Monk style, he's blowing them right out of the water," Van Rankin told her, "It's not even close."
"And here comes Double Jeopardy," Beiderbeck pointed at the screen. "Dollar values are doubled in the Double Jeopardy round," Trebek told the contestants, "With two Daily Doubles in one of these categories: Cartoon Voice Actors...Baseball Hall of Famers...Steve Martin Movies...Game Show Bonus Rounds, very fitting...Constellations...and finally, keeping with our highway theme, The Pennsylvania Turnpike. Oliver, as the player on my left, you get the tiebreaker on who goes first, please select an answer."
"Um," Oliver gave Adrian a rather harsh smile and said, "Steve Martin Movies for $1,600."
"Steve played a phony preacher fleecing a small Midwest town in this 1992 film. Adrian?"
"Um," Adrian was distracted by the flickering light again before he collected himself and answered just under the buzzer, "What is Leap of Faith."
"Correct, your move again."
"Um," Adrian scanned the board, "It's out of whack here again...Steve Martin Movies for $2,000."
"In this offbeat film Steve played Dr. Michael Hffhurrr, who falls in love with a disembodied brain named Ann Uumalmehaye. Adrian?"
"What is The Man with Two Brains."
"Right."
"Steve Martin movies for $400."
Steve took the role of the overburdened father in the remake of this 1950 classic starring Spenser Tracy. Adrian?"
"What is Father of the Bride."
"Exactly."
"Steve Martin Movies for $800." Diane coughed slightly in Adrian's direction. He leaned uncomfortably out of her way.
"'Those aren't pillows!' is one of the many memorable lines from this 1987 holiday flicked that starred Steve and John Candy. Adrian?"
Diane coughed at the top of her lungs at her opponent, apparently trying cause him to lose his cool. Adrian winced in pain and sank downward, but still managed to answer, "What is Planes, Trains and Automobiles."
"Indeed," Trebek gave Diane a quizzical look.
"Tell him to stand up higher," came the order over the headphones. The stage manager jerked his finger upward at Adrian, who nodded and rose. "I'll have Steve Martin Movies for $1,200," he told the host.
"Steve played Philip, who nearly loses his mind keeping his help hotline under control in this 1994 film. Adrian?"
"What is Mixed Nuts."
"Right."
"Uh, Game Show Bonus Rounds for $400."
"Winners of the front game on Tic-Tac-Dough would go on to face this hot villain for a prize package. Adrian?"
"What is the dragon."
"Right."
"Game Show Bonus Rounds for $800."
"Behind that, the first Daily Double," Trebek announced, "Now Adrian, you now have $28,700, and have still shut your opponents out. You must wager at least $14,350 here, and please keep in mind that zero hundred dollars is not a reasonable bid, so with that in mind, what's your wager?"
"Um," Adrian thought it over carefully, "I'll try...zero thousand dollars."
Outright laughter swept the studio. Trebek put his hands over his face. "Adrian, we're not going through this again," he told the detective, "Let's just take half again, all right?"
Adrian shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
"All right, for an additional $14,350, here's the clue," Trebek said, "In Super Password, this bonus round was called the Super Password Round. Previously, in Password Plus, it was called this."
"What is Alphabetics."
"Alphabetics is correct, and that takes you now to $43,050," Trebek said as the audience exploded into applause, "You just keep rolling along here, Adrian. Select again."
"Game Show Bonus Rounds for $1,200."
"Big Numbers was the name of this show's bonus round. Adrian?"
"What is High Rollers."
"Right."
"Is it true that you were drunk during the final episode of your run of the show?" Adrian inquired. Trebek shifted around uncomfortably. "Pick again, Adrian," he told the contestant.
"Okay, Game Show Bonus Rounds for $1,600."
"To win the cash jackpot on Scrabble, contestants had to solve two words in this much time. Adrian?"
"What is ten seconds."
"Right."
"Game Show Bonus Rounds for $2,000."
"This show's bonus round gave contestants the chance to win a car by lighting up the six screens out of twelve given that pertained to the same category. Adrian?"
"What is Wipeout."
"Indeed."
"Constellations for $400."
"Regulus is the brightest star in this constellation, which is also the fifth sign of the zodiac. Adrian?"
"What is Leo."
"Right."
"Constellations for $800."
"In keeping with the mythology around it, this constellation is never in the sky at the same time as Orion. Diane?"
"What is Scorpio." Diane blurted out extra fast. She turned to Adrian and snorted, "Ha! You're not so perfect now, are you?"
"Ac, Actually you're wrong there," Adrian said, "It's not ScorpiO, it's ScorpiUS. They changed it for Lord knows what reason when they came up with the zodiac."
"Hey don't be a sore winner, Adrian!" Diane snarled at him, "Let me have this one!"
"Unfortunately, Diane, I'm afraid Adrian's right," Trebek said, looking at the judges, "It is officially Scorpius. We'll have to dock you the eight hundred dollars, so you're now in the..."
The rejection was too much for Diane. She slammed her signaling button to the floor and began spewing every curse word in the English language at the top of her lungs. Adrian covered his ears in shock, as did half the audience. In the control room, Sam rushed over to the controls. "Quick, bleep it out, Ray!" he yelled.
"I can't," Ray told him, "There is no bleep button."
"What do you mean there's no bleep button!?" Sam demanded.
"Well, I guess they figured that no one would curse on Jeopardy," Ray admitted.
"So because of that this is going out live over the country. Perfect!" Sam lamented. He looked around, feeling helpless. Just then Ariel ran into the control room, looking terrified. "Sam, I think you'd better come see this," she said in a weak voice.
"I can't leave now," Sam told her, "What is it?"
"Mike's been murdered!"
"What do mean murdered?"
"I just saw his body in the woman's restroom; his neck was broken!" Ariel said breathlessly, "We've got to call the cops!"
"All right, I'll do it after the show," Sam said, sounding unconcerned and unsurprised by what he'd just been told. "Do any of you know who was last with him?" he asked the surrounding crew.
"I might have, about two hours ago," Rick spoke up, "He was with either Dave or Susan, I think, it was too hard to tell, since they look so much alike."
"Okay, we'll ask them afterwards," Sam said. He looked at the monitor in front of him, where Diane was still going strong. "Alex, stop her before we get a backlash of mail," he told the host.
"Um, Diane, this is Jeopardy, could you perhaps control yourself a little?" Trebek pleaded with his wayward contestant. Diane stopped cursing but charged over to the scrim and kicked it over, exposing Adrian once again to the audience's full view. "Oops," she told Adrian, "Guess my foot got away!"
"That statement really doesn't make much sense, hardly any really," Adrian said, wincing from the crowd again.
In her seat, Sharona removed her hands from Benjy's ears now that the tirade was over. "Boy, she really took that the wrong way," she commented, "I'd never go that far when he proves me wrong."
"Oh really, Sharona?" Gail asked her sister, "Because if I remember correctly, you used that language and a whole lot more when Mom's back was turned."
"You know what Gail, don't start," Sharona told her curtly, "Not in front of my kid."
"Well I'm just remembering what I heard."
"Excuse me," Disher cut in, "Do I have to separate you two?"
"You already are," Sharona said, pointing to Disher's seating arrangement between them. "Oh," the lieutenant said sheepishly.
In Ambrose's house, everyone's mouth was hanging open at the blatant profanity they'd all just witnessed. "How'd that get out on the air?" Warren St. Clair wondered.
"Bet that'll happen again," Max said with a big smile on his face.
"Hey, if I hear either of you saying any of that here, I will tell your mother," Cheryl warned him and his brother.
"Adrian was right though," Ambrose commented, "It is Scorpius and not Scorpio. Likewise it's Capricornus and not Capricorn as in the zodiac. I have no clue as to why the changes, but it might have been a cultural thing. Like in Japan the Big Dipper's a car, and in..."
"We don't need for you to lay it all out for us," Detective Kirk told him curtly.
"Just thought you'd like to know," Ambrose shrugged.
"I've just talked with the judges," Trebek told the contestants, "And we're just going to throw that answer out. In consolation, Diane, we will give you control of the board."
"Good," Diane said, still not wholly calmed down, "Let's try the very out of order Cartoon Voice Talent for $800."
"Are you trying to derail Adrian forcefully?" Trebek asked.
"That depends on how you look at it," Diane told him.
"Anyway, here's the clue: Walt Disney last voiced Mickey Mouse in this 1949 short, a segment in the feature Fun and Fancy Free," Trebek read, ""Adrian?"
"What is Mickey and the Beanstalk."
"Right. Make a selection."
"Oh boy, this is hard now," Adrian said, rolling his head around, "This board's now become a feng shui nightmare."
"Well, we're on a tight schedule now, Adrian, so could you wake up from that nightmare and continue the round, we'd really appreciate it," Trebek said pleadingly.
"OK then, uh, let's pick up where we left off, Constellations for $1,200."
"Before Polaris took over the position about thirteen thousand years ago, Thuban in this constellation was the North Star. Adrian?"
"What is Draco."
"Draco the dragon, right."
"Constellations for $1,600."
"Carina the keel, Puppis the stern, Pyxis the compass, and Vela the sails were once joined together in this one large constellation. Adrian?"
"What is Argo Navis."
"Argo Navis, the Argonauts' boat."
"Constellations for $2,000."
"This constellation, representing an octant, is closest to the celestial South Pole. Adrian?"
"What is Octans."
"Octans the octant, correct."
"The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $400."
"The original 160 mile stretch of the turnpike ran from Carlisle in the east to this Pittsburgh suburb in the west. Adrian?"
"What is Irwin."
"Indeed."
The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $800."
At 6,792 feet, this was the longest tunnel on the turnpike until it was abandoned in 1968. Adrian?"
"What is the Sideling Hill Tunnel."
"Exactly."
"The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $1,200."
"Answer is the other Daily Double," Trebek announced. "Once again, Adrian, let me remind you that you're in complete control of this game right now, with $55,050, and let me also remind you that if you wager an amount that begins with a zero, I'll kill you on national TV." The audience laughed hard at this. "So what is your wager, Adrian?"
"Well, I guess I could try for broke here," Adrian shrugged.
"So you wish to try for a true Daily Double?"
"Sure, why not?"
"All right, for over a hundred thousand dollars, here's the clue: Called Little Panama by those who built it, this 153 foot cut was the largest of its kind at the time of its construction."
"What is Clear Ridge Cut."
"Right, and Adrian, you have now become the first player in Jeopardy history to go over a hundred thousand dollars in a single game with $111,000," Trebek said. The audience rose to their feet and gave the detective a standing ovation, which he took with a very nervous grin and a brief wave. "Do you have anything to say for this achievement, Adrian?" the host asked.
"Could—Could you move a few feet to the left, Alex, your not centered with your podium," Adrian pointed out.
"You'll ruin my shot if he does!" Dave the cameraman protested.
"I think I'd better just to be safe, Dave," Trebek told him, scooting over the few inches.
"Great, now the shot's busted!" Dave growled. He gave Adrian a sour look. "You and me in the parking lot after the show, pal, you hear me!" he barked.
"No, I don't hear you," Adrian put his hand to his ear, "Could you say that again, it's kind of loud in here with the people cheering and all."
"It's still your turn, Adrian," Trebek told him.
"Okay, uh, The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $1,600," Adrian was now dancing around wildly in place, being so unnerved by the audience.
"The longest bridge on the mainline turnpike spans this river near Harrisburg. Adrian?"
"What is the Susquehanna."
"Right."
"The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $2,000."
In the early 1990s the Perry Highway interchange was renamed this, for the township it resides in. Adrian?"
"What is Cranberry."
"Exactly."
"Uh, she kind of broke the pattern with the next one, uh, but I'll have Cartoon Voice Actors for $1,200."
"A longtime dog voice expert, he's famous for both Scooby-Doo and Astro from The Jetsons. Adrian?"
"Who was Don Messick."
"Right, we have less than a minute to go in the round."
"Cartoon Voice Actors for $1,600."
"He was a soundman for the Fleischer Studio when he was asked to do the voice of Popeye for fun in 1934; he would continue to do the voice for the next 45 years. Adrian?"
"Who was Jack Mercer."
"Correct."
"Cartoon Voice Actors for $2,000."
"She landed the permanent voice of Woody Woodpecker in 1951 primarily because she was Walter Lantz's wife. Adrian?"
"Who was Grace Stafford."
"Exactly." The audience was now applauding Adrian after every correct answer. Rather than encouraging him, however, it was definitely affecting his ability to focus. He hopped around crazily, doing Russian folk dances. "Uh, Adrian, are you all right there?" Trebek had to ask him.
"Fine Alex, let's take Cartoon Voice Actors for $400," Adrian said nervously.
"He looks like he's about to have a breakdown," Sharona whispered to Dr. Kroger, "I think we should tell them to hold up for a moment."
"Well, since he's got less than a minute to go, I think he'll be okay unless he has a disassociative episode," Dr. Kroger said.
"And you don't think that's a disassociative episode?" Sharona pointed to Adrian's gyrations.
"Well, I could be wrong," the psychiatrist admitted.
"The only major Looney Tune not voiced by Mel Blanc," Trebek read, "Adrian?"
"Who is Elmer Fudd."
"Correct, and you're just five questions away from history."
"Baseball Hall of Famers for $400."
"The ace of the Chicago Cubs World Championship teams in 1907 and 1908, his nicknamed derived from an unfortunate accident he had with a dynamite cap as a child. Adrian?"
"Who was Nolan "The Rocket" Clemens."
"HE'S WRONG!!??" Trebek gasped on national TV. Realizing his situation, the host recollected himself and said more formally, "I'm sorry Adrian, it was neither of them. Oliver?"
"Who was Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown," Oliver said, pumping his fist in the thrill of finally getting on the board.
"That's right, Oliver, and you're finally on the board," Trebek said, "Pick again."
"Baseball Hall of Famers for $800," Oliver now had a devious look on his face, realizing that Adrian had a weakness.
"This Washington Senator retired just thirteen hits shy of 3,000 for his career. Adrian?"
"Who was O.J., uh, O.J. Abdul-Jabbar."
"No. Diane?"
"Who was Sam Rice."
"Correct, and you're back to zero," Trebek said. Diane stuck out her tongue at a now incredibly nervous Adrian.
"O.J. Abdul-Jabbar!?" Stottlemeyer said incredulously, "Where was Monk during the Trial?"
"Trying to get himself in bed with Trudy, I suppose," Disher suggested.
"I don't think that's really amusing," Sharona told him sternly. She looked with sympathy at her patient. "I hope the buzzer rings soon," she told Dr. Kroger, "Or else he's going to die out there."
Indeed, Adrian was on the verge of losing his contact with reality. The audience, the lights, the cameras, the board, the pressure, and especially the suspiciously flickering light, were all ganging up on him, and he was now delving deep into the last bits of self-help mentality to keep himself afloat. He could barely even here Diane ask, "Baseball Hall of Famers for $2,000," and Trebek read, "The first pitcher to reach three hundred wins, he still ranks sixth on the all-time list." Yet the detective was still in control enough to buzz in and blurt out, "Who was...who was...Ti...Ti...Ti...Tiger Bird."
"No," Trebek said as the audience laughed harder than ever, "Oliver?"
"Who was Pud Galvin."
"Right. Adrian, are you sure you don't need help?"
"I'm just fine, Alex!" Monk shouted through the tears he was starting to cry, "Baseball Hall of Famers for $4,000!"
"Uh, Adrian, that's not a value on the board, and Oliver's in control," Trebek reminded him, looking more uncomfortable with the situation than ever, "It's still your turn, Oliver."
"Baseball Hall of Famers for $1,600."
"He still holds the record for most hits in a season with 273. Adrian?"
"WHO WAS EMMETT "MAGIC" GRETZKY!!!!" Adrian screamed at the top of his lungs, collapsing to a heap on the floor.
"NO. Oliver?"
"Who was George Sisler."
"That's correct," Trebek said as the "time's up," buzzer rang again, "And what had to have been the most interesting round in the history of this show is mercifully over. I don't know what I could have expected if this were to have gone on any further. At any rate, Adrian, you still have a fairly dominant lead with $115,000, Oliver, you managed to come in with a late surge and stand at $4,000, and Diane, unfortunately, you were unable to get back on the positive side, and we're going to have to say goodbye, but at least you'll get $1,000 in consolation money and our thanks for signing up on Jeopardy, we hope you enjoyed playing."
"Not really," Diane said. She gave Adrian the harshest of looks before walking toward Steve, muttering, "I'll get you for embarrassing me like this!" over her shoulder.
"Anyway," Trebek turned back to the board, "Here's our Final Jeopardy category: Hockey Stars. Oh boy. This could make things VERY interesting. Anything can happen in Final Jeopardy, so stay tuned to see how this historical show turns out."
The moment the music was over, the host thumped his head against his podium. "Why couldn't this happen to Pat Sajak!?" he moaned out loud, "I'll go insane if he wins and comes back tomorrow!"
"How do you think I feel, Alex?" Adrian moaned over to him, "If it makes you feel any better, I'd like to take the money and leave now, if that's all right."
"Unfortunately it's NOT all right, Adrian, because the rules say you have to come back if you win," Trebek lamented.
"Can't we change it just this once?"
"Adrian," Sharona ran up to her ward, "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Take me home, Sharona, I can't take it any more!" Adrian howled miserably, "It's too much for a poor human being to bear! The staring eyes, the...!"
"It's okay, Adrian, we'll get you out of here, but you've got to get through Final Jeopardy first," Sharona told him, "And if Mr. Smart Aleck over there give you any lip, signal me and I'll crack his head open."
"I don't want his head cracked open, I just want back to my even life...that light," Adrian pointed up at the blinking fixture, "Something's very wrong with it! I have really bad feeling something terrible's about to...!"
"Adrian, for the love of God, pull yourself together!" Sharona barked at him, "Think of how Trudy's thinking seeing you like this! If anything, get a grip for her sake!"
"Get a grip for Trudy's sake, get a grip for Trudy's sake," Adrian repeated, "I'll get a grip for Trudy's sake...after I get out of here!"
"Want me to call a straitjacket for you, bub?" Oliver asked with a huge smile on his face, "Maybe some time in the nuthouse will do you good. And you won't have to worry about the money, because I can..."
"Will you stay out of what isn't your business!!" Sharona bellowed at the champ, "God, you and Queen Bavmorda have been tearing him up for no reason all night! Leave him alone!"
"And what will you do, hit me?" Oliver challenged.
Sharona advanced menacingly toward him. "Like Adrian said earlier, I don't take well to people hurting those close to me," she told him darkly, "Can't you understand that people with disabilities are human beings? How do you think you'd feel if you'd have to live in his world?"
"Miss, I wouldn't even want to think about living in his world," Oliver remarked, "It's bad enough thinking about it."
Sharona gave him the harshest of glares. "OK Adrian, just close your eyes and bet nothing and we'll be out of here," she told him, "We'll get the scrim set up again so the audience can't see you; in the meantime just go to your happy place."
"I've already been there," Adrian lamented, "It's been befouled by the sad stuff! And that light...!"
Sam downed the third cognac he'd had since the round began. "How'd I come to this?" he asked nobody in particular, "Thirteen years down the drain in one night!"
"Oh it's not that bad, Sam," one of the pages tried to reassure him, "At least Dan Enright fell harder."
"Whatever," Sam shrugged. He glanced at his watch. "Well, I have to step out for a minute," he announced, "Rick, take over till I get back."
"Why do you need to leave?" Rick inquired, "You never leave this late in the show."
"Look I need to go outside for a little bit, OK!?" Sam looked forcefully at his associate, who shrugged in acceptance. "Boy, what's his problem tonight?" he asked as the director left the control room.
"Beats me," Ariel said, "It's almost as if he's hiding something...it's very suspicious if you ask me."
"Well folks, I'd say Mr. Monk gave us more than a fare share of top notch entertainment, hasn't he?" a smiling Beiderbeck asked his compatriots.
"Enough to make me sleep well for a year," Babbage said with a huge laugh at the visions of Adrian breaking sown on national television.
"Magic Gretzky, can I have your autograph?" Van Rankin said mockingly, "Oh O.J. Abdul-Jabbar, will you sign my underwear please?"
"You're really disgusting, you know that?" Philbey told the murderer sardonically.
"What's the matter Derek? We getting too cold-hearted for your liking?" Van Rankin said curtly to him.
"No Pat, it's just that, well..."
"You don't need to answer, Mr. Philbey," Beiderbeck cut him off, "As I said before, this is not a time for fighting." The fat man dug behind his nightstand and pulled out a case of champagne. "Harry, pass these around," he told the former commissioner, "We pop them open the moment Monk dies in a literal blaze of glory. I think he'll like heaven. There are no nuisances there to keep him up half the night. Especially those naughty sports questions." He laughed grotesquely to himself at this last thought of an actually happy Adrian Monk. He gave the clock one final check. His hated nemesis now had less than six and a half minutes to live...
"You've got the vertical part of the D too long!" Adrian fussed as Rob the stagehand worked to redraw the detective's erased name on his screen, "No, that's too big of a dot on the I!"
"Look pal, if you hadn't been screwing around with it, we wouldn't have to be going through with this right now!" Rob told him, "So just let me redo this without any interference, OK?"
"I guess so," Adrian shrugged, "It was a dirt smudge, though, see?" He held up his wipe for Rob to see. Rob nodded softly and walked off, saying, "Don't touch it again!" over his shoulder.
"So Adrian, is there anything else you need from us before we start Round 2?" Steve asked him from the wings.
"Uh sure, if you can get that light to stop blinking, that would be good," Adrian pointed to the one in question above him. Its flashing had gotten worse since he'd last looked at it.
"If you'd brought it up earlier, Adrian, we might have been able to fix it, but we're too far into taping now," Steve told him. "I wouldn't worry about it; it's not in an important position, as you can see."
"Who did put it up?" Adrian had to know.
"Your guess would be as good as mine," Steve shrugged, "Mike our regular light technician called in sick today, and the director assigned somebody to handle it—I don't know who, he always leaves me out of the loop on these things. It could have been anybody, as far as I know."
"Okay crew, get in positions, we're going in one minute," came Sam's voice over the intercom. Steve gave Adrian a pat on the back and scurried off. Adrian couldn't take his eyes off the light. There was just something about it that was bothering him, and wasn't just the blinking...
"I think what we're witnessing here today may be history," Karen said to the others, "If Adrian can hold his own here, it might make a great documentary."
"The big question being 'if,' sweetheart," Stottlemeyer reminded her, "Nothing's ever a given with Monk."
"Hey Leland, seeing what Adrian's done so far, I'd say he'd deserve a documentary regardless," Karen told him, "It's not every day that a man with OCD smashes his way to a Jeopardy win."
"Well then for your own sake just do this show, because otherwise you'd have to go through Monk's life, and that'll leave you with a forty- eight hour documentary that nobody'll watch, as if they really watch them anyway," her husband said.
"Are you insulting me, Leland?" his wife told sternly.
"No, not at all honey," Stottlemeyer said quickly.
"If you do make it, please put me on it," Monica asked Karen, "I'd love to put my five cents in on his brilliance."
"Thirty seconds," came the sound over the intercom. "I can't wait to the final round," Disher said to everyone, "Because you never know, he might use us for the Phone-a-Friend."
Everyone groaned. "Randy, you're not allowed to talk about game shows for the rest of the night, okay?" Stottlemeyer told him.
"What?" Disher looked confused, "What did I say?"
"This should be the last commercial," Ambrose said, pointing at the one on his screen.
"How can you tell?" Detective Adam Kirk had to know.
"The allotted one hundred and twenty seconds are almost up," Ambrose said, showing him his watch, which read 7:46:49.
"It's easy to see why you and he are brothers," would-be attorney Julie Parlo told Ambrose admiringly.
"It's a blessing," Ambrose said, "And a curse." He strode into the kitchen. "Pot roast is almost done," he said, taking a peek in the oven, "Now you're all staying afterwards, right?"
"I, uh, unfortunately have some work back at city hall," Burger said, looking like he was making it up.
"Well, I guess if you'd like I could send you a portion afterwards," Ambrose offered, "All you have to do is heat it back up and..."
"Thanks, but I'll pass," Burger said, holding up his hands.
The doorbell rang again. "Now who could it be this late?" Ambrose wondered. He opened the door to find a nerdy face greeting him. "Uh, it's Kevin, right?" he asked the newest arrival.
"That's me," Adrian's former neighbor said with a big smile, "And you must be Ambrose. Adrian told me lots of things about you, mostly negative, but I..."
"Uh, won't you come in?" Ambrose waved him in before the conversation could get too uncomfortable. "Hiya folks," Kevin greeted the others in Ambrose's living room, "I take it you're all the people Adrian's helped over the years? Boy I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, you see, this devil woman tried to seduce me out of this winning lottery ticket, and she left me on the train tracks to die, and Adrian showed up at the last minute and, well, I can't remember much else, because I was kind of drunk, but anyway, he..."
"Will you just sit down and be quiet!" Miranda St. Clair snapped, jerking her finger toward the nearest open sofa.
"Sure thing," Kevin grinned taking a seat next to Nelson, "So you're the real Willie Nelson?" he asked the singer, "I heard 'You Are Always on My Mind' live once and..."
"Here it comes," Cheryl announced as the music came back on. Kevin immediately silenced himself...for three seconds. "You know, I've been watching this since before Alex came on board," he said to Jared, who turned a deaf ear, "I mean, he really adds some chemistry to the show that..."
"I can see your practice time with your brother the other day really came in handy," Cheryl told Ambrose as he plopped back down in his armchair.
"Oh he really didn't need too much of it," Ambrose admitted, "He was always the super genius. I just helped him fill in the few blanks in his memory. It's a thrill to finally have him coming back over a regular basis again. I hope this means Dad'll be back soon, too, because he'd be so proud watching him on TV," he checked to make sure the VCR was recording the show, which it was, "I'll have it all ready on tape for him when he comes back."
There was a knock on the bars of Beiderbeck's cell. "Ladies, please do come in," the fat man said to murderous socialite Christine Rutherford and disgraced actress Jenna Ryan, who just managed to slide into the cramped confines of the cell. "Vicki couldn't come?" Beiderbeck inquired.
"She had to go to an emergency meeting with her lawyer, so unfortunately she had to pass," Christine explained, "We're not too late, are we? It would be a shame for you boys to have all the fun."
"No, there's still..." Beiderbeck checked his clock again, "eleven minutes and one second to zero hour. Dr. Navarre, Mr. Ashcomb, would you please be so kind as to offer the ladies your seats?"
"Do we have to?" Dr. Navarre whined.
"Yes, you do," the fat man told him. With sighs, the doctor and the former commissioner rose to their feet and let the women sit down. "How's the rat doing?" Jenna inquired.
"In pure Monk style, he's blowing them right out of the water," Van Rankin told her, "It's not even close."
"And here comes Double Jeopardy," Beiderbeck pointed at the screen. "Dollar values are doubled in the Double Jeopardy round," Trebek told the contestants, "With two Daily Doubles in one of these categories: Cartoon Voice Actors...Baseball Hall of Famers...Steve Martin Movies...Game Show Bonus Rounds, very fitting...Constellations...and finally, keeping with our highway theme, The Pennsylvania Turnpike. Oliver, as the player on my left, you get the tiebreaker on who goes first, please select an answer."
"Um," Oliver gave Adrian a rather harsh smile and said, "Steve Martin Movies for $1,600."
"Steve played a phony preacher fleecing a small Midwest town in this 1992 film. Adrian?"
"Um," Adrian was distracted by the flickering light again before he collected himself and answered just under the buzzer, "What is Leap of Faith."
"Correct, your move again."
"Um," Adrian scanned the board, "It's out of whack here again...Steve Martin Movies for $2,000."
"In this offbeat film Steve played Dr. Michael Hffhurrr, who falls in love with a disembodied brain named Ann Uumalmehaye. Adrian?"
"What is The Man with Two Brains."
"Right."
"Steve Martin movies for $400."
Steve took the role of the overburdened father in the remake of this 1950 classic starring Spenser Tracy. Adrian?"
"What is Father of the Bride."
"Exactly."
"Steve Martin Movies for $800." Diane coughed slightly in Adrian's direction. He leaned uncomfortably out of her way.
"'Those aren't pillows!' is one of the many memorable lines from this 1987 holiday flicked that starred Steve and John Candy. Adrian?"
Diane coughed at the top of her lungs at her opponent, apparently trying cause him to lose his cool. Adrian winced in pain and sank downward, but still managed to answer, "What is Planes, Trains and Automobiles."
"Indeed," Trebek gave Diane a quizzical look.
"Tell him to stand up higher," came the order over the headphones. The stage manager jerked his finger upward at Adrian, who nodded and rose. "I'll have Steve Martin Movies for $1,200," he told the host.
"Steve played Philip, who nearly loses his mind keeping his help hotline under control in this 1994 film. Adrian?"
"What is Mixed Nuts."
"Right."
"Uh, Game Show Bonus Rounds for $400."
"Winners of the front game on Tic-Tac-Dough would go on to face this hot villain for a prize package. Adrian?"
"What is the dragon."
"Right."
"Game Show Bonus Rounds for $800."
"Behind that, the first Daily Double," Trebek announced, "Now Adrian, you now have $28,700, and have still shut your opponents out. You must wager at least $14,350 here, and please keep in mind that zero hundred dollars is not a reasonable bid, so with that in mind, what's your wager?"
"Um," Adrian thought it over carefully, "I'll try...zero thousand dollars."
Outright laughter swept the studio. Trebek put his hands over his face. "Adrian, we're not going through this again," he told the detective, "Let's just take half again, all right?"
Adrian shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
"All right, for an additional $14,350, here's the clue," Trebek said, "In Super Password, this bonus round was called the Super Password Round. Previously, in Password Plus, it was called this."
"What is Alphabetics."
"Alphabetics is correct, and that takes you now to $43,050," Trebek said as the audience exploded into applause, "You just keep rolling along here, Adrian. Select again."
"Game Show Bonus Rounds for $1,200."
"Big Numbers was the name of this show's bonus round. Adrian?"
"What is High Rollers."
"Right."
"Is it true that you were drunk during the final episode of your run of the show?" Adrian inquired. Trebek shifted around uncomfortably. "Pick again, Adrian," he told the contestant.
"Okay, Game Show Bonus Rounds for $1,600."
"To win the cash jackpot on Scrabble, contestants had to solve two words in this much time. Adrian?"
"What is ten seconds."
"Right."
"Game Show Bonus Rounds for $2,000."
"This show's bonus round gave contestants the chance to win a car by lighting up the six screens out of twelve given that pertained to the same category. Adrian?"
"What is Wipeout."
"Indeed."
"Constellations for $400."
"Regulus is the brightest star in this constellation, which is also the fifth sign of the zodiac. Adrian?"
"What is Leo."
"Right."
"Constellations for $800."
"In keeping with the mythology around it, this constellation is never in the sky at the same time as Orion. Diane?"
"What is Scorpio." Diane blurted out extra fast. She turned to Adrian and snorted, "Ha! You're not so perfect now, are you?"
"Ac, Actually you're wrong there," Adrian said, "It's not ScorpiO, it's ScorpiUS. They changed it for Lord knows what reason when they came up with the zodiac."
"Hey don't be a sore winner, Adrian!" Diane snarled at him, "Let me have this one!"
"Unfortunately, Diane, I'm afraid Adrian's right," Trebek said, looking at the judges, "It is officially Scorpius. We'll have to dock you the eight hundred dollars, so you're now in the..."
The rejection was too much for Diane. She slammed her signaling button to the floor and began spewing every curse word in the English language at the top of her lungs. Adrian covered his ears in shock, as did half the audience. In the control room, Sam rushed over to the controls. "Quick, bleep it out, Ray!" he yelled.
"I can't," Ray told him, "There is no bleep button."
"What do you mean there's no bleep button!?" Sam demanded.
"Well, I guess they figured that no one would curse on Jeopardy," Ray admitted.
"So because of that this is going out live over the country. Perfect!" Sam lamented. He looked around, feeling helpless. Just then Ariel ran into the control room, looking terrified. "Sam, I think you'd better come see this," she said in a weak voice.
"I can't leave now," Sam told her, "What is it?"
"Mike's been murdered!"
"What do mean murdered?"
"I just saw his body in the woman's restroom; his neck was broken!" Ariel said breathlessly, "We've got to call the cops!"
"All right, I'll do it after the show," Sam said, sounding unconcerned and unsurprised by what he'd just been told. "Do any of you know who was last with him?" he asked the surrounding crew.
"I might have, about two hours ago," Rick spoke up, "He was with either Dave or Susan, I think, it was too hard to tell, since they look so much alike."
"Okay, we'll ask them afterwards," Sam said. He looked at the monitor in front of him, where Diane was still going strong. "Alex, stop her before we get a backlash of mail," he told the host.
"Um, Diane, this is Jeopardy, could you perhaps control yourself a little?" Trebek pleaded with his wayward contestant. Diane stopped cursing but charged over to the scrim and kicked it over, exposing Adrian once again to the audience's full view. "Oops," she told Adrian, "Guess my foot got away!"
"That statement really doesn't make much sense, hardly any really," Adrian said, wincing from the crowd again.
In her seat, Sharona removed her hands from Benjy's ears now that the tirade was over. "Boy, she really took that the wrong way," she commented, "I'd never go that far when he proves me wrong."
"Oh really, Sharona?" Gail asked her sister, "Because if I remember correctly, you used that language and a whole lot more when Mom's back was turned."
"You know what Gail, don't start," Sharona told her curtly, "Not in front of my kid."
"Well I'm just remembering what I heard."
"Excuse me," Disher cut in, "Do I have to separate you two?"
"You already are," Sharona said, pointing to Disher's seating arrangement between them. "Oh," the lieutenant said sheepishly.
In Ambrose's house, everyone's mouth was hanging open at the blatant profanity they'd all just witnessed. "How'd that get out on the air?" Warren St. Clair wondered.
"Bet that'll happen again," Max said with a big smile on his face.
"Hey, if I hear either of you saying any of that here, I will tell your mother," Cheryl warned him and his brother.
"Adrian was right though," Ambrose commented, "It is Scorpius and not Scorpio. Likewise it's Capricornus and not Capricorn as in the zodiac. I have no clue as to why the changes, but it might have been a cultural thing. Like in Japan the Big Dipper's a car, and in..."
"We don't need for you to lay it all out for us," Detective Kirk told him curtly.
"Just thought you'd like to know," Ambrose shrugged.
"I've just talked with the judges," Trebek told the contestants, "And we're just going to throw that answer out. In consolation, Diane, we will give you control of the board."
"Good," Diane said, still not wholly calmed down, "Let's try the very out of order Cartoon Voice Talent for $800."
"Are you trying to derail Adrian forcefully?" Trebek asked.
"That depends on how you look at it," Diane told him.
"Anyway, here's the clue: Walt Disney last voiced Mickey Mouse in this 1949 short, a segment in the feature Fun and Fancy Free," Trebek read, ""Adrian?"
"What is Mickey and the Beanstalk."
"Right. Make a selection."
"Oh boy, this is hard now," Adrian said, rolling his head around, "This board's now become a feng shui nightmare."
"Well, we're on a tight schedule now, Adrian, so could you wake up from that nightmare and continue the round, we'd really appreciate it," Trebek said pleadingly.
"OK then, uh, let's pick up where we left off, Constellations for $1,200."
"Before Polaris took over the position about thirteen thousand years ago, Thuban in this constellation was the North Star. Adrian?"
"What is Draco."
"Draco the dragon, right."
"Constellations for $1,600."
"Carina the keel, Puppis the stern, Pyxis the compass, and Vela the sails were once joined together in this one large constellation. Adrian?"
"What is Argo Navis."
"Argo Navis, the Argonauts' boat."
"Constellations for $2,000."
"This constellation, representing an octant, is closest to the celestial South Pole. Adrian?"
"What is Octans."
"Octans the octant, correct."
"The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $400."
"The original 160 mile stretch of the turnpike ran from Carlisle in the east to this Pittsburgh suburb in the west. Adrian?"
"What is Irwin."
"Indeed."
The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $800."
At 6,792 feet, this was the longest tunnel on the turnpike until it was abandoned in 1968. Adrian?"
"What is the Sideling Hill Tunnel."
"Exactly."
"The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $1,200."
"Answer is the other Daily Double," Trebek announced. "Once again, Adrian, let me remind you that you're in complete control of this game right now, with $55,050, and let me also remind you that if you wager an amount that begins with a zero, I'll kill you on national TV." The audience laughed hard at this. "So what is your wager, Adrian?"
"Well, I guess I could try for broke here," Adrian shrugged.
"So you wish to try for a true Daily Double?"
"Sure, why not?"
"All right, for over a hundred thousand dollars, here's the clue: Called Little Panama by those who built it, this 153 foot cut was the largest of its kind at the time of its construction."
"What is Clear Ridge Cut."
"Right, and Adrian, you have now become the first player in Jeopardy history to go over a hundred thousand dollars in a single game with $111,000," Trebek said. The audience rose to their feet and gave the detective a standing ovation, which he took with a very nervous grin and a brief wave. "Do you have anything to say for this achievement, Adrian?" the host asked.
"Could—Could you move a few feet to the left, Alex, your not centered with your podium," Adrian pointed out.
"You'll ruin my shot if he does!" Dave the cameraman protested.
"I think I'd better just to be safe, Dave," Trebek told him, scooting over the few inches.
"Great, now the shot's busted!" Dave growled. He gave Adrian a sour look. "You and me in the parking lot after the show, pal, you hear me!" he barked.
"No, I don't hear you," Adrian put his hand to his ear, "Could you say that again, it's kind of loud in here with the people cheering and all."
"It's still your turn, Adrian," Trebek told him.
"Okay, uh, The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $1,600," Adrian was now dancing around wildly in place, being so unnerved by the audience.
"The longest bridge on the mainline turnpike spans this river near Harrisburg. Adrian?"
"What is the Susquehanna."
"Right."
"The Pennsylvania Turnpike for $2,000."
In the early 1990s the Perry Highway interchange was renamed this, for the township it resides in. Adrian?"
"What is Cranberry."
"Exactly."
"Uh, she kind of broke the pattern with the next one, uh, but I'll have Cartoon Voice Actors for $1,200."
"A longtime dog voice expert, he's famous for both Scooby-Doo and Astro from The Jetsons. Adrian?"
"Who was Don Messick."
"Right, we have less than a minute to go in the round."
"Cartoon Voice Actors for $1,600."
"He was a soundman for the Fleischer Studio when he was asked to do the voice of Popeye for fun in 1934; he would continue to do the voice for the next 45 years. Adrian?"
"Who was Jack Mercer."
"Correct."
"Cartoon Voice Actors for $2,000."
"She landed the permanent voice of Woody Woodpecker in 1951 primarily because she was Walter Lantz's wife. Adrian?"
"Who was Grace Stafford."
"Exactly." The audience was now applauding Adrian after every correct answer. Rather than encouraging him, however, it was definitely affecting his ability to focus. He hopped around crazily, doing Russian folk dances. "Uh, Adrian, are you all right there?" Trebek had to ask him.
"Fine Alex, let's take Cartoon Voice Actors for $400," Adrian said nervously.
"He looks like he's about to have a breakdown," Sharona whispered to Dr. Kroger, "I think we should tell them to hold up for a moment."
"Well, since he's got less than a minute to go, I think he'll be okay unless he has a disassociative episode," Dr. Kroger said.
"And you don't think that's a disassociative episode?" Sharona pointed to Adrian's gyrations.
"Well, I could be wrong," the psychiatrist admitted.
"The only major Looney Tune not voiced by Mel Blanc," Trebek read, "Adrian?"
"Who is Elmer Fudd."
"Correct, and you're just five questions away from history."
"Baseball Hall of Famers for $400."
"The ace of the Chicago Cubs World Championship teams in 1907 and 1908, his nicknamed derived from an unfortunate accident he had with a dynamite cap as a child. Adrian?"
"Who was Nolan "The Rocket" Clemens."
"HE'S WRONG!!??" Trebek gasped on national TV. Realizing his situation, the host recollected himself and said more formally, "I'm sorry Adrian, it was neither of them. Oliver?"
"Who was Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown," Oliver said, pumping his fist in the thrill of finally getting on the board.
"That's right, Oliver, and you're finally on the board," Trebek said, "Pick again."
"Baseball Hall of Famers for $800," Oliver now had a devious look on his face, realizing that Adrian had a weakness.
"This Washington Senator retired just thirteen hits shy of 3,000 for his career. Adrian?"
"Who was O.J., uh, O.J. Abdul-Jabbar."
"No. Diane?"
"Who was Sam Rice."
"Correct, and you're back to zero," Trebek said. Diane stuck out her tongue at a now incredibly nervous Adrian.
"O.J. Abdul-Jabbar!?" Stottlemeyer said incredulously, "Where was Monk during the Trial?"
"Trying to get himself in bed with Trudy, I suppose," Disher suggested.
"I don't think that's really amusing," Sharona told him sternly. She looked with sympathy at her patient. "I hope the buzzer rings soon," she told Dr. Kroger, "Or else he's going to die out there."
Indeed, Adrian was on the verge of losing his contact with reality. The audience, the lights, the cameras, the board, the pressure, and especially the suspiciously flickering light, were all ganging up on him, and he was now delving deep into the last bits of self-help mentality to keep himself afloat. He could barely even here Diane ask, "Baseball Hall of Famers for $2,000," and Trebek read, "The first pitcher to reach three hundred wins, he still ranks sixth on the all-time list." Yet the detective was still in control enough to buzz in and blurt out, "Who was...who was...Ti...Ti...Ti...Tiger Bird."
"No," Trebek said as the audience laughed harder than ever, "Oliver?"
"Who was Pud Galvin."
"Right. Adrian, are you sure you don't need help?"
"I'm just fine, Alex!" Monk shouted through the tears he was starting to cry, "Baseball Hall of Famers for $4,000!"
"Uh, Adrian, that's not a value on the board, and Oliver's in control," Trebek reminded him, looking more uncomfortable with the situation than ever, "It's still your turn, Oliver."
"Baseball Hall of Famers for $1,600."
"He still holds the record for most hits in a season with 273. Adrian?"
"WHO WAS EMMETT "MAGIC" GRETZKY!!!!" Adrian screamed at the top of his lungs, collapsing to a heap on the floor.
"NO. Oliver?"
"Who was George Sisler."
"That's correct," Trebek said as the "time's up," buzzer rang again, "And what had to have been the most interesting round in the history of this show is mercifully over. I don't know what I could have expected if this were to have gone on any further. At any rate, Adrian, you still have a fairly dominant lead with $115,000, Oliver, you managed to come in with a late surge and stand at $4,000, and Diane, unfortunately, you were unable to get back on the positive side, and we're going to have to say goodbye, but at least you'll get $1,000 in consolation money and our thanks for signing up on Jeopardy, we hope you enjoyed playing."
"Not really," Diane said. She gave Adrian the harshest of looks before walking toward Steve, muttering, "I'll get you for embarrassing me like this!" over her shoulder.
"Anyway," Trebek turned back to the board, "Here's our Final Jeopardy category: Hockey Stars. Oh boy. This could make things VERY interesting. Anything can happen in Final Jeopardy, so stay tuned to see how this historical show turns out."
The moment the music was over, the host thumped his head against his podium. "Why couldn't this happen to Pat Sajak!?" he moaned out loud, "I'll go insane if he wins and comes back tomorrow!"
"How do you think I feel, Alex?" Adrian moaned over to him, "If it makes you feel any better, I'd like to take the money and leave now, if that's all right."
"Unfortunately it's NOT all right, Adrian, because the rules say you have to come back if you win," Trebek lamented.
"Can't we change it just this once?"
"Adrian," Sharona ran up to her ward, "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Take me home, Sharona, I can't take it any more!" Adrian howled miserably, "It's too much for a poor human being to bear! The staring eyes, the...!"
"It's okay, Adrian, we'll get you out of here, but you've got to get through Final Jeopardy first," Sharona told him, "And if Mr. Smart Aleck over there give you any lip, signal me and I'll crack his head open."
"I don't want his head cracked open, I just want back to my even life...that light," Adrian pointed up at the blinking fixture, "Something's very wrong with it! I have really bad feeling something terrible's about to...!"
"Adrian, for the love of God, pull yourself together!" Sharona barked at him, "Think of how Trudy's thinking seeing you like this! If anything, get a grip for her sake!"
"Get a grip for Trudy's sake, get a grip for Trudy's sake," Adrian repeated, "I'll get a grip for Trudy's sake...after I get out of here!"
"Want me to call a straitjacket for you, bub?" Oliver asked with a huge smile on his face, "Maybe some time in the nuthouse will do you good. And you won't have to worry about the money, because I can..."
"Will you stay out of what isn't your business!!" Sharona bellowed at the champ, "God, you and Queen Bavmorda have been tearing him up for no reason all night! Leave him alone!"
"And what will you do, hit me?" Oliver challenged.
Sharona advanced menacingly toward him. "Like Adrian said earlier, I don't take well to people hurting those close to me," she told him darkly, "Can't you understand that people with disabilities are human beings? How do you think you'd feel if you'd have to live in his world?"
"Miss, I wouldn't even want to think about living in his world," Oliver remarked, "It's bad enough thinking about it."
Sharona gave him the harshest of glares. "OK Adrian, just close your eyes and bet nothing and we'll be out of here," she told him, "We'll get the scrim set up again so the audience can't see you; in the meantime just go to your happy place."
"I've already been there," Adrian lamented, "It's been befouled by the sad stuff! And that light...!"
Sam downed the third cognac he'd had since the round began. "How'd I come to this?" he asked nobody in particular, "Thirteen years down the drain in one night!"
"Oh it's not that bad, Sam," one of the pages tried to reassure him, "At least Dan Enright fell harder."
"Whatever," Sam shrugged. He glanced at his watch. "Well, I have to step out for a minute," he announced, "Rick, take over till I get back."
"Why do you need to leave?" Rick inquired, "You never leave this late in the show."
"Look I need to go outside for a little bit, OK!?" Sam looked forcefully at his associate, who shrugged in acceptance. "Boy, what's his problem tonight?" he asked as the director left the control room.
"Beats me," Ariel said, "It's almost as if he's hiding something...it's very suspicious if you ask me."
"Well folks, I'd say Mr. Monk gave us more than a fare share of top notch entertainment, hasn't he?" a smiling Beiderbeck asked his compatriots.
"Enough to make me sleep well for a year," Babbage said with a huge laugh at the visions of Adrian breaking sown on national television.
"Magic Gretzky, can I have your autograph?" Van Rankin said mockingly, "Oh O.J. Abdul-Jabbar, will you sign my underwear please?"
"You're really disgusting, you know that?" Philbey told the murderer sardonically.
"What's the matter Derek? We getting too cold-hearted for your liking?" Van Rankin said curtly to him.
"No Pat, it's just that, well..."
"You don't need to answer, Mr. Philbey," Beiderbeck cut him off, "As I said before, this is not a time for fighting." The fat man dug behind his nightstand and pulled out a case of champagne. "Harry, pass these around," he told the former commissioner, "We pop them open the moment Monk dies in a literal blaze of glory. I think he'll like heaven. There are no nuisances there to keep him up half the night. Especially those naughty sports questions." He laughed grotesquely to himself at this last thought of an actually happy Adrian Monk. He gave the clock one final check. His hated nemesis now had less than six and a half minutes to live...