Ewoyn Skywalker – thanks!
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Part Four: Of Husbands and Sisters
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
- "Going Under" by Evanescence
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When Jaina woke, she was still caught in Kyp's embrace. She tried to remember the last time he had stayed the whole night, but couldn't. For a second, her heart rose. Maybe that was all that it had taken – him realizing how much he had changed. Maybe…
But the next minute her heart did a spectacular dive. Of course it wasn't that. Lord Durron felt guilty; anyway, he still needed an heir, she supposed, and Jaina was his wife of three years.
"Good morning, Jaina," her husband said, voice husky.
Jaina started a little; knowing Kyp was there didn't make it easier to adjust, especially when she thought he was still asleep. "Good morning," she replied sullenly, pulling away as much as his tight embrace would allow. She buried her head in the pillows. She wished he would just leave, so Sanar could come and bring Mikela. Then they could talk about stopping this madness. The Empire had gone on long enough; Jaina had no right to hold back anything in the fight just because she was in love with the man who was rapidly becoming Palpatine's lapdog.
She heard Kyp sigh, and he rubbed her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. "Jay… Please, I'm sorry."
"If you were sorry, we wouldn't be here." Jaina's voice was harder than she had intended. His anger was a tangible thing, and Jaina wondered if he'd try to hit her again. The bruise on her face throbbed in memory.
Instead of striking Jaina, however, Kyp pressed his lips to her exposed neck, which had been released of the Force-suppressing collar for the night. She flinched; if that hadn't been a reminder of her vulnerability, she didn't know what was. "Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?" she asked abruptly, turning to glare at him.
He recoiled, deep green eyes wide, as if she had been the one to strike him. "Jaina…"
"Oh, don't give me that," she snapped, cutting off his denial. "You know as well as I do Palpatine's only keeping me around for leverage. When he's done with me he'll have me killed. By your hand or his – it doesn't matter, does it? Dead is dead, unless Palpatine wants to throw torture in, too."
Durron's eyes smouldered and, if she had been standing, she would have taken a step back. "You're not going to die," he swore. It almost sounded like a verdict.
"Ironic, isn't it?" she continued, ignoring him. "You'll kill me because of the deal you made to save me."
He attacked her mouth roughly, burning her lips with viciousness. The kiss was a denial of everything they had once shared. Once, she thought miserably, she had enjoyed being kissed and touched by Kyp. When he pulled back, his eyes were hard, like they had been the night before. He ignored her tears, the betrayal in her eyes. "I would never kill you, Jaina," he growled.
She hid her face in the pillow, refusing to let him see her cry. When she looked up again, he was gone.
"But you already did," she replied in despair.
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If your love could be caged
Honey, I would hold the key.
And conceal it underneath
That pile of lies you handed me.
And you'd hunt and those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find.
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine.
- "Cry" by Faith Hill
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By the time Sanar arrived, Kyp was off-planet, and Jaina had no more tears to cry. Her red eyes were the only physical evidence of her grief. In the place of a wreck, she was eerily calm and detached. It was time, she had decided, to face the facts. Kyp was gone – had been for two years, at least. Lord Durron needed to be stopped. She had as much luck in doing that as anyone, she supposed.
"Anything," she stated as soon as Sanar closed the door behind herself and Mikela. "I'd do anything."
Sanar blinked and unexpectedly looked down, knowing instinctively what Jaina was talking about. Her chest heaved for a moment, as if she was trying to hold back a sob of her own. When her head raised, Sanar's eyes were tired. "He hit you," she said after a long pause, noticing Jaina's bruise.
"It hurt the least," Jaina replied.
The slave nodded, coming to sit next to Jaina on her bed. "It always does."
Jaina didn't respond, only stared across the room at nothing, oblivious to her daughter's quiet chattering and her friend's concern. When she closed her eyes, Jaina could see Kyp as she had first seen him, felt his kisses on her skin and remembered the tingles his grin always sent down her spine. The images of her husband were replaced with Mikela's big, hazel eyes. The woman turned to smile at her daughter as Mikela giggled in delight, having managed to catch some of Sanar's hair.
"You told me not to ask again until I could answer without hesitation," Jaina said, taking Mikela and cuddling her, much to her daughter's disappointment. The toddler's anger was soothed when her tiny fingers found a lock of her mom's hair, which she began tugging. Jaina's eyes raised, reluctantly, to Sanar's. "I refuse to let this go on any longer. Kyp will only get worse, now, and the fact that I need to hide Mikela… I'll do anything, Sanar. I don't have much time left before I go insane from this whole mess."
Sanar lifted Mikela out of Jaina's hands and placed her on the ground. Satisfied that the toddler out of the way and crawling happily – the conversation was becoming too dark for a child – Sanar studied her friend. "I believe you, but I'm not sure I want to tell you." Jaina's expression didn't change; she waited for the older woman to continue.
Sanar took a deep breath. "When I was a child, the Force would frequently show me visions. It lessened as I grew but I still see things. Most have to do with me, but not always. You and Kyp…well, I Saw enough. I forgot some of the ones I Saw when I was a kid, because I didn't know why the Force needed to show them to me. I remembered them when you first came to the Palace."
Jaina blinked. "You mean…I should have done something in the past? Something to change this?"
Sanar shook her head. "No; I think the Force was just giving me some background, so I'd know why things needed to work out the way they do… Maybe it was even supposed to be a way of helping me understand you." She eyed her friend. "I don't want to tell you this," she repeated. "I know you're just going to get hurt by this, again."
Lady Durron's eyes hardened. "I've already been injured irreparably. I'm only living for other people, now."
Her friend nodded, increasingly weary. "I saw how much Kyp used to love you, and I know how much you love him, so I choose to believe it will be worth it."
"What do I need to do?"
Sanar's eyes were drawn to the toddler who crawled around, grinning from ear to ear as she inspected everything in her mother's room. "Love him, Jaina. Forget he's Lord Durron and love him until your heart aches. It will weaken him."
Jaina's eyes were closed, and she took a deep breath. "And then…?"
Sanar looked back to her friend. "And then Palpatine will damn himself."
Jaina had childishly believed she was out of tears, but now they slid down her face in a torrent. "I'm going to die, aren't I?"
Tears answered tears. "I'm sorry," Sanar whispered, taking Jaina into her arms and rocking her like a child.
Mikela continued to play, oblivious to the tears her mother and "aunt" spilled.
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For a year, I loved him. At first, it was painful to give him my heart and let him bruise it, even if by 'accident'. As time passed, however, I grew used to it, or maybe Kyp changed. I don't know; maybe it was a bit of both. I won't make a martyr of myself and deny that I was too close to the situation to be sure. In truth, it passed in a blur. I cried some, and I lived for my time with Mikela.
I spent a great deal of time thinking, too, though. I had lost many people to death over the years – brothers, friends, parents and even a few lovers. Kyp, too, if you want to be metaphorical. I had always been the one left behind; now I was the one who was going to leave. I let Sanar comfort me, because I knew it let her distance herself from the fact that I was not the one who would hurt the most. My pain would happen and then be gone in a flash. Sanar would be the one to push on.
I had never had a sister, nor had I ever dreamt about shared tea parties or the like, but I found a sister in an unexpected person. Sanar and I became sisters because we were too alike and too different to be friends. Thanks to Sanar, I found a family, which expanded to include my precious Mikela…my daughter, the light of my life…
I had told Kyp and Sanar that I wanted to die. I had walked around for so long, pretending it was true. Shavit, I even managed to convince myself.
I was wrong. I've accepted my death, because I have to, but I wish it wasn't like this. I am not immune to regrets. Sanar will love and protect Mikela, but I'm leaving my daughter otherwise alone. At least I have memories of my mother; Mikela will have nothing of me other than what Sanar tells her. Maybe, someday, she will hear about me from Kyp… I don't know.
Sanar asked me if, should this nightmare be successful, I want her to make Mikela known to Kyp. I can't answer that – not properly, at least, and not with correct perception. My reply, finally, was that the Force let me hide Mikela for years; if it was right for Mikela to meet her father, the Force would make it so.
Sanar laughed at me and said she – or a priest – was rubbing off on me.
It was the last time I heard her laugh; the next day, Palpatine came and damned himself, as Sanar had told me he would.
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-Tjz