A.N: So I know I put this up before, but I found some spelling mistakes, and there were a few things I wanted to change. So yeah, I posted it again. So please tell me what you think. This is the first time I've written an A/O fic, so review.
Without You I'm Nothing
The elevator was too slow; she didn't remember it being that slow before. The woman glanced around at her familiar surroundings. It seemed like so long ago that she'd last been in that elevator. She watched the dial above her as the numbers slowly changed, indicating that she was in fact ascending. She straightened her grey dress suit and adjusted her glasses. Her hands felt clammy and the lift seemed hot. Looking down at her black-heeled shoes she wished the lift would hurry up. It had been so long, she honestly couldn't remember if it had always been so slow.
Eventually the doors slid open at her floor. And with a sigh of relief she stepped out, there was no one in the hallway, and she was tempted to turn around and get back in the lift. But she couldn't, she'd waited two years, she wouldn't chicken out now. She couldn't wait to see their faces. She sped up, her heels not making a sound on the carpet she walked down the hallway, on the verge of tears. She tried to collect herself. It had never been like that before, but things had changed she reminded herself. Truth was she didn't even know if they were still there.
She didn't know why she was wearing a suit. Well, maybe she did. Putting on one of her old suits, going back there, it all made her feel like she had her life back again. She wasn't sure if it was totally true, but she had to hope. Taking a deep breath as she walked through the double doors, the familiar aroma of instant coffee assaulted her senses, and she had to choke back the tears.
Nothing had changed in two years. The room was practically silent. The only sound was the occasional curse and the rustle of papers. Looked like it was quiet, she thought, they're all stuck doing paper work. No one noticed her, none of them even looked up. Well then, she thought to herself, if that's how it's gonna be "What you got for me" she asked a smirk dancing across her features, as she waited for their reactions.
But none of them even bothered to stop working or turn around at all. The only movement was that of pens on paper. They'd heard the voice, and normally they would have assumed it to be the ADA Casey Novak, but she'd just transferred and as far as they knew they hadn't found a new ADA, especially not an English one.
When the person didn't speak again John Munch looked up from his desk. He was sure his eyes must be deceiving him. It couldn't be. No way. It was just someone who looked a bit like her. He kept staring at her. The more he stared, the more he was sure it was her. The grey suit seemed all too familiar and the black heels, the stern glasses. Her white blonde hair framing her face, slightly shorter than he remembered. It was of course impossible, it couldn't be her. But, it really did look like her. "Fin, Fin" he whispered across his desk at the man opposite. The man called Fin looked up, John gestured over Fin's shoulder "Who do you reckon that is?" he asked. The blonde woman wasn't looking at them, her eyes were fixed on the desk next to them.
"Munch, mate, I think we're seeing things. I mean that is NOT the ADA."
Munch nodded his head "I know, it can't be her. But Fin I reckon it might be"
"That's ridiculous, it ain't her mate. She's dead remember"
Munch nodded again "I know but I just miss her"
The other two detectives were still hard at work across the room neither having noticed the woman whose eyes were staring intently at them. Elliot Stabler was the first to look up, he almost dropped his pen in shock. The woman Munch and Fin had been discussing was closer to him. He knew it couldn't be the ADA… but it looked so much like her, and exact fit, right down to the heeled black shoes, one of which she had begun to tap patiently on the floor, waiting for realisation to dawn.
Olivia Benson continued to work, only looking up when she heard her partner Elliot gasping across the table. She knew paper work was boring but faking a breathing problem to get out of it was going a bit far. When she looked up Elliot's eyes were fixed over her shoulder, and when she looked over so were Munch's and Fin's. She was missing something, she was sure. It was a woman, or course it was, they were all going gaga over a woman. Great, what a bunch of guys. She gave into curiosity wondering what woman could possibly be that attractive.
Even before she turned her head though the most ridiculous idea formed in her mind. No, not ridiculous. Impossible. But something told her that her impossible idea was really quite sensible. Something told her this crazy idea, was real. She sensed someone she hadn't sensed in a long time, she hoped she was right.
Turning her head, she let her eyes scan the area her colleagues were perusing. Her eyes fell on the thin blonde, and she didn't have to look twice to know who it was. Olivia Benson was out of her seat in a flash and standing before the blonde. "Alex? Alex, is it really you?" the woman smiled and nodded. Olivia didn't have to be told twice she threw her arms around the woman, determined to keep control of her emotions.
The three men slowly made their way across the room to where the two women stood hugging. Eventually Olivia let go of the woman, and the three men moved in to greet their former ADA. Finally their supervising officer Captain Donald Cragen noticed the commotion occurring in his squad room.
"Well, well, well. Alex Cabot didn't expect you here. You are still Alex Cabot aren't you?" Alex nodded. Once Cragen had greeted his former ADA, Olivia was back with her in a flash, arms flung around the woman's neck.
"I've missed you" she could feel tears slowly streaking down her eyes, but she didn't care. Alex was back.
Cragen made a snap decision. "Olivia?" the detective turned not letting go of Alex. "Take the rest of the day off." He couldn't remember seeing his detective since the ADA had gone into witness protection almost two years ago.
"Are you sure sir?" he nodded; Olivia didn't need anymore than that. She could've hugged him right at that moment.
Less than a minute later she was ready to leave. They headed straight for the door, leaving behind two very shocked and confused detectives and another who was just shocked.
"So Alex, you wanna go to my place get caught up?" Olivia asked as they headed out the front of the precinct.
"You read my mind. Liv"
The trip back to Olivia's was a quiet one; barely a word was spoken between the two. It wasn't an awkward silence, more of a surprised happy one, as they both got used to being around each other again. The moment they were in Olivia's apartment both women began talking about anything and everything. Their coats thrown haphazardly on the coat rack, bags dropped in the door.
"So how come you're back here?" Olivia asked wanting to get the serious stuff out the way first.
"Why, you want me gone?" Olivia shook her head. "Well. Let's put it this way the drug dealer's no longer a threat"
"His associates?" Olivia asked, not really caring why the dealer wasn't a threat, just that he wasn't one.
"They're gone too. That settles all the serious stuff I reckon. Huh?"
"Not quite. Alex."
"Huh? How come?"
"Well I just got something else to say. Alex. It's been almost two years you know."
"Yeah I know" Alex sighed.
"Well it's been absolute hell for me"
"For me too"
"I mean it all started that night you were shot. I thought you were dead. Of course you weren't. But it was horrible, it kept going through my head that I'd almost lost you. Then you went into witness protection and I really had lost you. You weren't Alex Cabot anymore. I didn't know where you were. What your name was. If I'd ever see you again" her tears were falling freely now. Alex pulled her close just like she had before. "I mean Alex, I didn't even know what country you were in, and by the sounds of that accent England." Alex remembered, she'd hated England. She'd been there almost two years. Her and Olivia were going to go there together. It just hadn't been the same without Olivia. "I mean," Olivia continued "I had to go to your funeral and everything and the whole time I just wanted to stand up and scream 'she's not dead', but then I stopped believing it. You were dead. Alex Cabot was dead, you were in a different place with a different name. You were a different person"
Alex continued to hold the close, rocking her back and forth. Letting Olivia cry freely, trying to hold back the tears she had been refusing to cry since she'd found out she was coming home.
Olivia was the strong one. Olivia was the one who stayed strong. The one who'd always held Alex tight after a hard day in court. Like so many other things that too had changed. Olivia's tears ceased, her head resting on the shoulder of Alex's suit, she just needed to be held.
Alex remembered. The memories. The feelings she'd kept locked away for almost two years had forced their way out. She didn't mind now though. The long nights lying on the couch wrapped in each other's arms. The smell of Olivia, as Alex had cried into her chest. The feel of Olivia's skin on hers as they made love, then the sweet proclamations of love. It was all coming back.
For two years, she'd tried to forget. For two years, she'd tried not to remember how whole she'd felt. For two long years. It was time to let go.
But Alex knew. She was back where she belonged. The last two years had been hell. Olivia was right, Alex Cabot had died that night, without Olivia, Alex was nothing. But now. Now with Olivia's head on her shoulder with her fingers caressing her cheek. Alex felt safe, she felt loved for the first time in two years.
Her tears fell freely into Olivia's hair and once again the roles were reversed. She buried her face in Olivia. Her head pressed firmly against Olivia's breast, listening to Olivia's heartbeat as her tears fell. Olivia's hand on her face, wiping away her tears, her breath blowing through Alex's hair. Just like the old times. But, not the same, too much had changed.
She leant up and kissed Olivia, for the first time in two years, her lips weren't as soft as she'd remembered, but the kiss sweeter. Alex smiled. It was nice to have her old life back. She was rediscovering things, she'd tried so hard to forget. It was easier to forget. Forgetting the good times meant forgetting the pain.
She'd known she could never be happy. The witness protection program was the worst experience of her life. She hadn't wanted to go, but what choice did she have? She could continue her life with Olivia and the Special Victims Unit, as ADA Alex Cabot, and find herself being the next murder case or she could join the program. Start a new life. Leave her friends and family behind. Leave Olivia.
In her first few months she'd thought of nothing but Olivia and the SVU team. She'd hoped that one-day, maybe things would be right. Maybe. The months had drawn on. Her hope diminishing as she locked away her memories. The pain overcoming her. The hope gone completely. She'd started a new life, even dated, but it was never the same.
She longed for New York. For her life as an attorney. For Olivia.
She deepened the kiss with Olivia, her hands exploring Olivia's body, remembering instinctively the things that aroused her lover. Olivia moaned, letting her hands slide over the so familiar grey dress suit, which she had so missed seeing the past two years. But now wanted nothing more than to see it crumpled on the floor.
Their hands roamed. Their clothing finding it's way to the floor. Their movements were desperate. Hungry. But it didn't matter. They made love a desperate desire overcoming them both. They poured out two years of pent up emotions, two years of desire and pain. Two years of being lonely. All faded away.
They collapsed on the couch wrapped in each other's arms. Alex's blonde hair falling over Olivia's face. Their legs tangled together, chests touching. Olivia's hands wandered over her lover's body, hardly daring to believe it was real.
Alex stood up, pulling Olivia with her; they made their way down the hallway and into Olivia's room. Crawling under the covers, Olivia spooned Alex against her. "Liv, I think I'm in love" she stated.
"Who are you in love with Alex?" Olivia asked feigning innocence.
"You" Alex replied not even pausing.
"You know I think I might be falling in love with you too" And she wasn't lying, Olivia felt as if she was falling for Alex all over again.
The two settled down in each other's arm s Olivia's hands trailing lightly across Alex's stomach. Alex turned kissing her lover softly before succumbing to sleep. Maybe she could finally be happy, she sighed snuggling further into Olivia's embrace.
"Alex" Olivia whispered though the woman was asleep "The last two years have been hell" Alex stirred in her arms "Please, don't ever leave again." Alex smiled, she didn't plan on it, but if the homecoming was always so sweet, maybe she should. "Things were wrong with you gone. They weren't right. It was just an endless sea of nothing. I know now Alex, without you I'm nothing." The words hung in the air. As the light from the sun began to fade, leaving a purple haze over everything, Alex fell into a peaceful slumber for the first time in two years. There was only one word to describe her life just then. Perfect.