Lie To Me
It's cold in here.
I don't know why the Dark Kingdom is so empty. Quite a few youma died lately, because of those Senshi, but ever since I awakened I've never seen these hallways looking other than deserted. There were more youma here before the Moon Battle that killed us all, but it was always cold.
The only place that is crowded is Queen Beryl's throne hall. But it seems crowded with shadows and ghosts more than with real beings.
This castle…
When Kunzite-sama is away, his castle is dead and silent.
And if I were honest with myself for once, I'd admit that even when he's with me here, it's marginally better.
I'm always coming back here when I need comfort. He supported me in my schemes to get rid of Nephrite. Wasn't his voice tender when Beryl gave that poser my mission?
Or maybe he was just mocking how easily I let myself get distressed by this. I know that feelings are a weakness in here. I remember Nephrite fighting against his own flaws. It would have been a bit more difficult for me to kill him if there hadn't been his affection for this Earth girl.
I've tried so hard to become one of them, I trained and gave up humanity - not that I had anything to hang on to -, but I can't help feeling. Anger. Sadness. Jealousy. Loneliness.
It's hard to believe that he even cares for me, when we're facing Beryl and he's the all-powerful, merciless Ice King. He doesn't pay attention to me at all. I'm just another soldier. His best student, but his loyalty goes to Beryl, and if she asked, he would kill me.
But I'm more useful alive. That's why he helped me to become a Shinma to begin with. He needed to get rid of one of the rivals plotting for his demise, and to replace him by someone he could trust.
When we're alone, it's different. He holds me close and smiles to me.
But even then, he slips every so often. Saying he'll do anything to please Beryl. Gather the Nijizuishou for her. Commenting a girl's beauty, forgetting I'm here…
He appreciates women. I know that. I often wonder if he had youma for company before I came here. Shinma and youma… They don't know love, of course, and they don't seem to feel lust either. Otherwise, I figure Kunzite-sama wouldn't have kept at that with me.
I mean, I'm attractive, am I not? It's not like if men didn't desire me, back when I was a soldier in his army. Of course they loathed me because I was a half-breed, but they wanted me anyway. And Kunzite-sama is hardly the shy type. He wouldn't wait. He probably wouldn't even have asked, actually.
If he doesn't feel lust, why does he even bother having me around? Why is he nice to me when I'm sad? It must be meaning something more than just me being useful.
There's a new quality of coldness in the air suddenly. I run to the castle's main hall to welcome Kunzite-sama, back from his mission on Earth.
I snuggle in his arms, ask silly questions about his well being, and he smiles of my enthusiasm.
Tell me something nice, Kunzite-sama. Make me feel warm. Make me believe that you care for me.
Lie to me.
I can't help but smile. I know he won't understand why, since I can feel the damages Beryl's bolt did in me - I'm dying.
But I'm happy somehow. Not because I'm free of her, though yes, I've been waiting for that. But because he tried to take the blame for me. And I saw the look on his face when Beryl struck me.
There was no time for faking, and no reason for it anymore.
Oh, I shouldn't feel pleased to see him sad, but... He really does care for me.
I'm sorry, Kunzite-sama. I'm sorry for both of us that we never took a chance and believed in each other. We've already be revived once, maybe we will have another life to try. If that happens, I won't doubt as much.
I don't want to add regrets to your pain now, but it's my last chance to let you know...
"Oshitaishite... Orimashita".
End
Author's note just in case : "Oshitaishite... Orimashita" means "I've grown to like you" in a very formal and deferent way. It's the last words Zoisite told Kunzite in the anime.
17/12/2003