Author Notes: Another short rambling, which once again I wrote due to the inerasable impact after re-watching Hikaru no Go. Now it is about Sai speaking of Hikaru. Please enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: Every character in the fic belongs to Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata.

WARNING: Hints of Hikaru/Akira pairing here. Sai may be extremely OOC.

Italicized words mean the words are somehow important.

Never Been a Friend

Author: SIB

Part Two: Sai

I regretted many things in life.

Even in the afterlife, I still regret several things I have yet to accomplish. But greed I will be to ask so many since Kami-sama has bequeathed me with a blessing only few souls can attain. I was allowed to exist in the world of mortals, to piece back my entirety which had been shattered by that loathsome fraud so long ago, even in the shape of mere specter residing in a Go board.

And I was allowed to meet you.

Not even during my short mortal life I had ever met someone like you, one so honest and magnificently pure. You baffled me in our first meeting because you lost your consciousness as soon as you saw me, but I could hardly blame a young boy for fainting in a ghost's appearance since you were nowhere near prepared for such thing that time. Well, Torajirou might not faint in this case but it is only too true that the two of you are different. He is calm while you are brash. He respects me as a teacher but you treat me as a friend. He chooses to be passive, to let me play, but there is nothing you hate more than inferiority; you want to play.

Oh, right. This was the issue, wasn't it? You refused to deal with Go a while ago when you were finally liberated from the curse which rendered you to be imprisoned with me for the rest of your life. You blamed yourself for this so-called selfishness you labeled yourself with, just because you wanted to play. If only you knew how badly I wanted to smack you with my fan when I heard about this. I know you are not particularly bright at school but I have never expected you to be this… obtuse.

Did this never occur to you, that I was actually doing the same selfishness you kept blaming when I asked you to let me stay in your heart? I ruined your life with my presence merely because I wanted to play Go. I needed to play. Was that not selfish? If you called yourself selfish, what should the world call me then? Your grief made my wonder if my deeds were indeed forgivable, but Kami-sama refused to answer. All I could say, for all of the tears you have spilled, for any other future you would probably acquire if there was no spirit next to you, forcing you to walk down the path of Go, for those times you have generously spent in order to satisfy my hunger of Go, I truly apologize. My egotistical desire to attain the Move of God is solely my fault, also the misery that you felt.

However, none of what I have said nor asked would reach your ears. You kept crying, blaming yourself while I could only watch over you miserably. When Torajirou passed away, I thought the greatest sorrow was to be left behind by someone you loved, but I was absolutely wrong. It is when you make the one you love sad the greatest sorrow stays with you.

I will be forever grateful to Touya.

He said none of the above, he did not even know the story of a specter inhabiting his rival, but he brought you back nonetheless. It was his passion, his unyielding determination to not let you sink yourself down which saved you. And I am grateful that now you are trying your best to pay that debt.

Not that it surprised me. I was only a ghost at your side but I had been human once and I recognized the work of fate. I might be the one introducing you to Go, but he guided you to dive into it, to put Go the foremost of your life. And with a talent such like yours, it would be ridiculous –not to mention, foolish– to not take that path he showed you.

I have never said it before, haven't I? That you do have talent, that is.

There were so many things I chose not to tell you while I still could and now I am lamenting of how conceited I was. You proved your hard work, you let me see the best of your games, and yet, being the overly proud spirit that I was, I have never acknowledged you. I have never looked at you as a threat or one who should be counted in my league, unaware of whether or not my attitude dishearten you. I saw only him as a hazard to my path in obtaining the Move of God. You know, you were probably correct when you –in rage– told me that I was not even capable to pick the Go stones by myself. You had the right to be mad.

But, no. Instead, you cried in my absence, rage was the last thing in your mind. I sincerely wished that you would just be angry since it would diminish a little of my guilt but with each of your sob, you stabbed me more. It was the most horrible stage I have ever walked on because I could do nothing to help you, the one I loved most.

If only I did not meet you...

If only I did not choose to commit suicide a thousand year ago...

If only I were not so immaturely selfish, you would not be this wretched.

But now, seeing you in the way you are, I wonder if Kami-sama is indeed that heartless. Touya, as always, guides you back to where you should belong, something I can no longer do, and he stays by your side, lending you strength I can no longer give. You have found him, Hikaru, and I do think it worth my leaving. Because he can offer you the completeness of rivalry I lack. He sees only you in his eyes.

Well then, I think I can safely leave you in his hand, because when you finally realize your love for him, the sense of wholeness every human seek will find you. I know your heart, Hikaru, no need to deny my words. Just wait patiently until the time comes and you will see that I have dwelled a part of your heart for three years not for nothing. You, as well, only see him. It might begin merely with your pride not to lose to a child of your age, then ascended into obsession, and eventually ended with... what? It is not for me to decide, but watching the kindling of fire in your eyes every time you meet him gives me few ideas.

There, see? You blush again at his words. He hardly says anything embarrassing, you know, just asking why you are looking at him. Soon, Hikaru, he will know of your feeling and that time, I will wish both of you happiness.

Me? No, I am not lonely... well, at least not lonely enough to try separating you from him and keep you for myself. I have passed my time with you, moments I will forever cherish and I am trying my best not to repeat the same mistake. It is enough for me to witness you maturing into a fine gentleman, a Go player who will make every teacher proud.

Right, I have yet to say that either. I am immensely proud of you, Hikaru; it was a great honor for me to teach you Go. You gave me not only your finest efforts but also a reason for me to stay. Your laughter told me that you were happy to have me beside you. Your interminable attempts to obtain me a chance to play him showed me that I was not only an empty presence in your heart. You have given me so much to hold. Probably Kami-sama thought I have received too much and you needed someone else to share your love with, not a specter that should have died a thousand years ago.

Well, at least he loves you.

As for me, I will just sit here to watch you, sometimes probably in hope that it is still me who walk shoulder to shoulder with you –yes, you have grown up that fast– instead of him.

Well, at least he loves you.

I love you too, but that doesn't matter, does it? These words will never reach you anyway.

But I do hope my pray will. Be happy, Hikaru.

Owari

Author Ramblings: I am sure Sai is OOC up there… Anyway, this is what I want to write. If you notice any error, please tell me and I will try to fix it. Thank you for reading! I will be so happy if you are willing to review!