(Mess Hall. Neelix's body is in a torpedo casing. He is D-E-A-D dead. THE CAPTAIN is giving his eulogy. KES is here for the funeral.)
THE CAPTAIN: What can I say about Neelix? He was annoying, stupid, straight as a rainbow,
HARRY KIM: (Whispering over her) Hey, Tom, what's "straight as a rainbow?"
TOM PARIS: (Also whispering) It's what Mr. Garrison is.
HARRY KIM: (Still whispering) Oh. (No longer whispering) EWW! He liked MEN?
THE CAPTAIN: (Not noticing) Oh, yeah, he was a SUCKY cook too. So, on behalf of Neelix, who's up for dumping him in the warp core?!?!
ENTIRE CAST, NARRATOR, FILM PEOPLE, AUDIENCE, CANADIANS THAT WILL BE BLAMED LATER, WHOLE WORLD minus KES and NEELIX: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE CAPTAIN: Be'lanna, take him away!
(BE'LANNA TORRES and a few GOLD SHIRTS pick up the casing and take it to engineering. We follow them to the top level, where we see them dump Neelix into the warp core. Immense cheering. BE'LANNA TORRES stands on something and breaks into song. The author's band is there, backing her up.
BE'LANNA TORRES: Not so long ago,
I can still remember how his food
Used to make us hurl.
And I knew if they had their chance,
Someone else could make our taste buds dance,
And maybe could keep this crew alive.
That day brought a happy shiver,
With each PADD I'd deliver,
Great news on the doorstep.
I skipped when I took more steps.
I think the only time I (Fake)cried was when
I talked to his love child of his would-be bride.
Something made me sing inside
The day
That Neelix
Died.
Bye, bye, leola root pies.
Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.
Make sure he has died.
I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye,
And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,
This'll be the day we don't die."
TOM PARIS: Wow, she never does this. She must be really excited.
BE'LANNA TORRES: (cont.) Did you know he had a bookCalled A Million Ways to Cook Leola Root?
We threw it in the warp core.
But he knew it all by heart, it's true
And the ones who suffered most are me and you.
I visited Sick Bay more and more.
I was a grossed-out Klingon and an ex-Maquis
The Tribble fur on his face made me sneeze.
I thanked the heavens on my knees
The day
That Neelix
Died.
We were singin' it
Bye, bye, leola root pies.
Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.
Make sure he has died.
I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye,
And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,
This'll be the day we don't die."
Helter skelter, hot like summer swelter,
It was so spicy, we needed a fallout shelter
To protect us from the heat!
Talaxian spices are the worst.
But when you're out of rations, you just pray it won't hurt.
He was annoyingly cheerful, in a big way.
It still makes my head hurt to this day.
I let out a shout and said, "Hooray!"
The day
That Neelix
Died.
So
Bye, bye, leola root pies.
Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.
Make sure he has died.
I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye
And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,
This'll be the day we don't die."
Yo-ou know what Kes would do
If she heard one word of this tune.
I really don't like to dwell.
She'd get mad and blow me up,
Just like she did to that teacup,
And almost to Tuvok's Vulcan face,
She's probably ripped a hole in space,
Thank Kah'less she too's left the rat race
And before
That Neelix
Died.
(At this, KES throws herself in the core.)
BE'LANNA TORRES: (Shrugs) Oh, well. More fuel! (Continues with song.)
We were singin'
Bye, bye, leola root pies.
Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.
Make sure he has died.
I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye
And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,
This'll be the day we don't die."
I met a guy singin' the blues,
And asked him for the sad news.
But he just sobbed and turned away.
I just don't get why they all cried.
Because I thought that it was prime
The day
That Neelix
Died.
So bye, bye, leola root pies.
Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.
Make sure he has died.
I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye
And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,
This'll be the day we don't die."
We were singin' it,
Bye, bye, leola root pies.
Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.
Make sure he has died.
I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye
And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,
This'll be the day we don't die."
(IMMENSE CHEERING WHEN SHE FINISHES)
BE'LANNA TORRES: GO TO GRE'THOR, NEELIX!!! FEK'LEHR IS WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Skew to the Bridge. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY are the only ones there. When the camera sees them, they are talking about something.)
THE CAPTAIN: Problem is, we don't have a cook.
CHAKOTAY: Seven can cook.
THE CAPTAIN: No, she can't. Unless little piles of ashes can cook. Remember two days ago? The photon burst?
CHAKOTAY: I forgot about that. What about, hm, I guess everybody is being used for something.
THE CAPTAIN: You thinking what I'm thinking?
CHAKOTAY: The ready room!?!
THE CAPTAIN: That comes later.
CHAKOTAY: Oh, right! AWAY MISSION!!! I love forcing indigenous life forms into slavery! Just like Neelix, and those Borg. But doesn't that violate the Prime Directive?
THE CAPTAIN: Screw it.
(TOM PARIS walks in.)
TOM PARIS: Screw what?
CHAKOTAY: Yourself.
TOM PARIS: Oh, okay.
THE CAPTAIN: Go back to your quarters, Tom. Chakotay, get a team.
CHAKOTAY: Harry, Be'lanna, and us?
THE CAPTAIN: That'll do. We leave at 1600 hours.
CHAKOTAY: When is that?
THE CAPTAIN: I really don't know.
TVOTN: It's four o'clock in the afternoon, you two.
THE CAPTAIN: Thanks, Jim.
TVOTN: You're welcome. My name is Cato.
THE CAPTAIN: Whatever, Jim. Anyway, Chak, go find you team and tell them to meet us in Transporter Room 1 at 1600 hours.
CHAKOTAY: Will do.
(CHAKOTAY gets up and leaves; THE CAPTAIN gets up and gets coffee.)
VOTN: Hey, share?
THE CAPTAIN: No way. Jim, you're dismissed. That's a Starfleet expression for get out.
VOTN: One, my name isn't Jim. Two, I'm a disembodied voice from the heavens, so I can't leave. Three: Share?
THE CAPTAIN: NO!!!