(The Conference Room. Senior Staff{THE CAPTAIN, CHAKOTAY, TOM PARIS, BE'LANNA TORRES, TUVOK, and HARRY KIM, with the addition of the new Morale Officer, CHELL} are assembled around the table.)
THE CAPTAIN: It's time to plan our annual Christmas, um, thingy. We do a different thing every year. I checked the schedule, and it was Neelix's turn to pick. That now falls to Mr. Chell. Chell?
CHELL: (Holds up bag) We are doing Secret Santas. That means that each one of us draws a name out of the bag here, and doesn't tell anybody who they have. It is now twelve days to Christmas and counting.
HARRY KIM: Oooh! What if I'm like, Jewish? Then would it be Secret Chanukah Fairies?
THE CAPTAIN: Harry, you're not Jewish, and there is no Chanukah Fairy.
HARRY KIM: But, if there's no Chanukah Fairy, then who's the fourth member on Santa's bowling team?
BE'LANNA TORRES: Santa has a bowling team?
HARRY KIM: Yep! He bowls twice a week with the Easter Bunny, Cupid, and the Chanukah Fairy, but if there is no Chanukah Fairy, then I don't know who else he bowls with.
BE'LANNA TORRES: You do realize, Harry, that none of those people are real?
HARRY KIM: Yes they are.
BE'LANNA TORRES: No, they're not.
HARRY KIM: Yes, they are.
BE'LANNA TORRES: No, they're not.
HARRY KIM: YES, THEY ARE!
BE'LANNA TORRES: Harry, I'm your friend. Have I ever lied to you?
HARRY KIM: No.
BE'LANNA TORRES: Then believe me now. There is no Santa, Tooth Fairy, Saint Patrick's Day Leprechaun, Easter Bunny, April Fool, Cupid, Chanukah Fairy, Birthday Boy/Girl/Transgender Species, Hallo-wiener-dog or any other Holiday Spirits.
HARRY KIM: Really?
BE'LANNA TORRES: Really.
HARRY KIM: I don't believe you! You're lying! (Begins to cry, gets up from the table, runs off…into a wall. He falls down.)
THE CAPTAIN: Tom, take him to-
TOM PARIS: Yeah, yeah, I know. Sick Bay.
(SICK BAY)
TOM PARIS drags HARRY KIM in.
TOM PARIS: (Bored) 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
HARRY KIM: (stands up) Ugh, where am I?
TOM PARIS: Sick Bay. Come on; let's get back to the meeting.
CONFERENCE ROOM
CHELL: All right, we're going to draw now. Harry, you're first. Don't tell anybody who you get.
(They proceed to draw. HARRY KIM gets TUVOK, TOM PARIS gets BE'LANNA TORRES, BE'LANNA TORRES gets CHELL, CHELL gets THE DOCTOR, THE DOCTOR gets HARRY KIM, and TUVOK gets TOM PARIS. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY get each other.
THE DOCTOR: Damn!
TUVOK: Anybody want to trade?
THE DOCTOR: I do!
(They trade.)
THE DOCTOR: Damn!
TUVOK: Trade back!
(They trade again.)
THE CAPTAIN: And now it's time for the gold stars. Get fifty of them and you get a promotion. Let's see now, Tuvok, you get three stars for saving us from the mutant holo-tribbles, WHICH TOM LET OUT!
TUVOK: Thank you, Captain. It was nothing.
THE CAPTAIN: That puts you at thirty-seven. Be'lanna, you get twenty gold stars for telling us about Neelix's death, so you're at forty-five. Somebody wants to be a lieutenant commander pretty bad. Tom, you get one star for actually eating that leola root pasta. You would've gotten more, but you were annoying, so you don't. You are now at negative seven. Only seven more stars before you can use the holodeck again. Doc, you get five for being a hologram, just to show I'm not racist, but you don't have a rank anyways, so you can't get a promotion. Chell, you get seven stars, because you will be a better morale officer than Fur-face ever was. Now, let me check, one hundred stars to the sheet and I gave out thirty-one, so Chakotay, you get sixty-nine stars because I like you, but no promotion because I don't have another ship, and I'm not risking you in a shuttle.
HARRY KIM: What about me?
THE CAPTAIN: Sorry, Harry, no stars for you. I'm all out.
HARRY KIM: What! That's not fair! You just gave sixty-nine stars to somebody who you won't give a promotion to, and five to somebody- someTHING that can't even get a promotion! I'm a freaking ensign who dies for you people and the entertainment of the good people in the audience at least one, usually more, times per episode, and I don't even get one little star for it! Tom makes fun of you all the time, and YOU STILL GAVE HIM A STAR! It's not fair! I'm gonna run away! (He jumps up and begins to sing.)
HARRY KIM: I don't want to be an ensign,
I don't want to be dead,
Please pro-mo-te me!
(Clap, clap, clap)
I don't want to be an ensign,
I don't want to be dead,
Please pro-mo-te me!
(Clap, clap, clap)
Please pro-mote me,
Oh please promote me.
Seven years is too long a wait,
Please pro-mote me,
Yes, please promote me,
I should be a lieutenant junior grade.
I don't want to be an ensign,
I don't want to be dead,
Please pro-mo-te me!
(Clap, clap, clap)
I don't want to be an ensign,
I don't want to be dead,
Please pro-mo-te me!
(Clap, clap, clap)
Please pro-mote me,
Oh please promote me.
Seven years is too long a wait,
Please pro-mote me,
Yes, please promote me,
I should be a lieutenant junior grade.
I don't want to be an ensign,
I don't want to be dead,
Please pro-mo-te me!
(Clap, clap, clap)
I don't want to be an ensign,
I don't want to be dead,
Please pro-mo-te me!
(Clap, clap, clap)
THE CAPTAIN: Dear sweet mother of Jesus H. Christ on a raft, what the hell was that?
CHAKOTAY: Freaking disturbing is what.
THE CAPTAIN: Anyways, Harry, you're on a starship seven thousand light years away from home, and you can't take a shuttle away, because you don't have clearance. Where are you going to run to?
HARRY KIM: Good point. (He sits down.)
THE DOCTOR: I'm a doctor, not a thing.
THE CAPTAIN: Now, does anybody else have anything to say? Good, meeting adjourned.
EVERYBODY leaves the conference room and go back to their stations. BE'LANNA TORRES goes to ENGINEERING, and THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY go to the ready room.
CHAKOTAY: So, who'd you get?
THE CAPTIAN: I'm not telling.
CHAKOTAY: C'mon, Katie, you can tell me! Have I ever spilled a secret?
THE CAPTAIN: No, but that doesn't mean I'll tell you! Tell me yours.
CHAKOTAY: No way!
THE CAPTAIN: Don't you trust me?
CHAKOTAY: Of course I do, but this isn't about trust. It's well, about, oh forget it. Just drop it. Don't tell me yours and I won't tell you mine.
(There is a FLASH OF LIGHT. SIX INCHES OF SNOW appear on the floor. Q APPEARS.)
Q: Merry Christmas!
BE'LANNA TORRES: (Over com) Captain, six inches of snow have just appeared on the floor of Engineering. I'm getting reports that that's happened all over the ship.
THE CAPTAIN: It's here in my Ready Room, too. And that's not all that's in the Ready Room.
BE'LANNA TORRES: Captain?
CHAKOTAY: (Into the Captain's combadge) Q is back.