Q: Surprise, Madame Captain! And, what is it again, Chuckles?
CHAKOTAY: (Spitting fire.) It's Chakotay.
Q: (Dodges the flames) Aah! Whatever. Anyway, Merry Christmas!
THE CAPTAIN: Q, what are you doing here?
Q: I'm just trying to spread holiday cheer. No, before you ask, I'm not taking you back to the alpha quadrant. In fact, that's the last place you want to be.
THE CAPTAIN: What do you mean?
Q: Kathy, I don't quite know how to tell you this. But I know someone who does. Where is that drone of yours, anyway?
THE CAPTAIN: She had a little accident with a photon burst.
Q: Well, I'll bring her back. Wait, no, I need to bring somebody else. She can tell you better than I. She was there when the Borg moved in. You see, she was visiting her godmother on Romulus when it happened. Ji'jara, I need you!
(There is another flash of light. A LAVENDER DRAGON emerges, wearing a RED STARFLEET UNIFORM.)
Q: My niece, Her Royal Majesty Admiral Ji'jara Annelise Von Bronxdin De La Nascavara!
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: (To THE CAPTAIN) How do you do? (To CHAKOTAY) Facial art. How very…wilderness…of you.
Q: (proudly) She's the spitting image of her mother.
THE CAPTAIN: Q, how in bloody hell do you have a giant lizard for a niece? How in hell do you even have a niece?
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Stardragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing. And I'm not his niece, technically. You see, I'm only half Stardragon. My mother was the Draconian Empress, and a Q fell for her. We're an enlightened race, strong ties to the Continuum, and so it wasn't that bad. He took on mortality for her. He was friends with Uncle Q here, and when my system was assimilated, his dying wish was for Q to raise me. And so here I am, the last member of the Draconian Royal Family.
THE CAPTAIN: I'm sorry, your majesty.
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Don't call me that. Anyway, there's no point going back to the alpha quadrant. It's all been assimilated.
THE CAPTAIN: No!
CHAKOTAY: You're joking.
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: A Starfleet Admiral NEVER jokes about things like that. (Off her look) Yes, Madame Captain, you are looking at the last Admiral in the universe as you know it. I went through the academy and I've been an admiral for a year and a half now.
Q: And, she escaped death by Borg in inescapable situations TWICE, and made peace with the Romulans, and developed telepathy, and can teleport anywhere, and has a steady boyfriend who will probably pop the question anytime now, AND is now the head of Starfleet, no offense, Kathy, but she does outrank you, AND-
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Uncle Q! Shut up! You're being an embarrassment to nature.
Q: AND she's only thirty-two of your human years old!
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: I am SO sorry about my uncle. He just doesn't know when to SHUT THE HELL UP!
THE CAPTAIN: It's O.K.
CHAKOTAY: No harm done.
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: I'm sorry about your quadran- wait a minute! You believe my uncle!
THE CAPTAIN: Over the years, Q, you have been many things- a rude, interfering, inconsiderate, sadistic-
Q: Am I the only one picking up the déjà vu here?
THE CAPTAIN: Pest. And, you introduced us to the Borg, thank you very much.
Q: I'm REALLY starting to feel like I've seen this before.
THE CAPTAIN: But one thing you have never been is a liar.
Q: Cough, cough, Death Wish! Cough, cough!
THE CAPTAIN: And, however much you care to deny it, I know you care about Voyager.
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: The captain, more likely.
CHAKOTAY: That's my job!
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: (Poison honey.) Did I ever say otherwise?
THE CAPTAIN: And it's possible. Besides, I don't think anybody really wanted to go back. It's too much fun here, and if we went back to Starfleet, the Maquis crew members would have to go to prison, and that would be really bad. But I'll miss my dog though.
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Who says you can't have a dog?
THE CAPTAIN: You have a dog?
(Another FLASH OF LIGHT. From this one, a LIGHT BLUE DRAGON emerges. JI'JARA NASCAVARA runs over to him, jumps on him, licks his face, etc. She is obviously very happy to see him, and he does the same to her.)
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Kaz! Madame Captain, Tattoo Boy, this is the love of my life, Kazon Solaris.
KAZON SOLARIS: (To THE CAPTAIN) Pleasure to make your acquaintance. (To CHAKOTAY) Facial art. How very…wilderness…of you.
CHAKOTAY: What is up with anything associated with the Continuum and my tattoo being "wilderness?
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: No, I don't have a dog.
THE CAPTAIN: But you said I could have one.
KAZON SOLARIS: You need to find an M-class planet to settle. Draconis Five is open. Nobody lived there anyways, so the Borg didn't assimilate it. You could settle there.
THE CAPTAIN: What about the dog?
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: You have a dog. There.
THE CAPTAIN: That's my lo- I mean, First Officer. That's not a dog.
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: I'm beginning to think that dog means something else in your language.
CHAKOTAY: When will we be getting to this planet of ours?
KAZON SOLARIS: You'll be there in about a year.
THE CAPTAIN: Let me announce this turn of events to my crew. (She moves to hit her combadge.)
CHAKOTAY: Wait, I'll get it. (He hits her combadge. Q and DRAGONS look on with mild interest.)
Q: Ah, young love.
THE CAPTAIN: He's just a friend. (Over com) Attention all hands. This is the captain. The Alpha Quadrant has been assimilated, so we will be settling on Draconis Five. I have been assured this is true and the planet is M-class and open. No, I am not drunk or pulling a joke. I repeat, the Alpha Quadrant has been assimilated. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Q: Well, I guess we'd better be going.
THE CAPTAIN: Wait, Q! What about the snow?
Q: Consider it a Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Kathy!
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Merry Christmas, Madame Captain! Tattoo Boy, keep her warm! (She winks.)
CHAKOTAY: That's not funny!
KAZON SOLARIS: Merry Christmas!
(Three FLASHES OF LIGHT. Q, JI'JARA NASCAVARA, and KAZON SOLARIS disappear.)
THE CAPTAIN: Well, that's over.
CHAKOTAY: We're never going home, are we?
THE CAPTAIN: Nope.
CHAKOTAY: Oh, well. I was kind of screwed back there anyways. When we get to the planet, will we drop rank?
THE CAPTAIN: I don't see why not.
CHAKOTAY: Yes!
THE CAPTAIN: Now, scoot! I have to do some Christmas replicating.
CHAKOTAY: Do I have to?
THE CAPTAIN: It'll just take a minute. I'll call you back when I'm done.
CHAKOTAY: How about if I just shut my eyes?
THE CAPTAIN: (Hands him a BLINDFOLD) Here, let me put this on you. (She puts it on him from behind, "accidentally" bumping him a bit.) Can you see?
CHAKOTAY: No.
THE CAPTAIN: Good. (She goes over to the replicator and replicates something we can't see. It transports out to somewhere.) You can take it off now.
CHAKOTAY: I can't undo this knot.
THE CAPTAIN: You big baby. (She says this lovingly. She goes over to him and pulls it off, the knot coming undone in the process.)
CHAKOTAY: Now, you need to put it on. (He puts it on her, getting very, very close. He goes over to the replicator, and does something that is not replicating. We get the impression that he sent orders to another replicator.) Here, let me get it off of you.
(The two of them leave the Ready Room and go back to the Bridge. There is still six inches of snow on the ground. They sit down, and we skew to the Mess Hall. HARRY KIM, TOM PARIS, BE'LANNA TORRES, and CHELL are there.)
BE'LANNA TORRES: So, we're never going back, are we?
TOM PARIS: No. It's been assimilated.
HARRY KIM: Why?
CHELL: We have to blame the Borg. They did it.
BE'LANNA TORRES: No! (Begins to sing.) Times have changed, the Borg are getting worse!
TOM PARIS: They don't obey the Queen, they just assimilate and curse.
CHELL: Do we blame the Hive Mind or Hirogien society?
HARRY KIM: Or maybe the construction paper kids on Tom's TV?
BE'LANNA TORRES: No!
ALL: Blame Canada! Blame Canada! With their beady little eyes, and flapping heads all full of lies! Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
BE'LANNA TORRES: We need to launch a full assault, it's Canada's fault!
TOM PARIS: Don't blame me for the Borg of this land, they assimilated Canada and have re-formed the Hell's Drones Clan!
CHELL: And I knew a drone once who had the Queen's picture on his shelf, but last I heard he told her to assimilate herself!
ALL: Well, blame Canada! Blame Canada! It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along! Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
HARRY KIM: What was their real purpose, anyways?
BE'LANNA TORRES: Planet Earth was flourishing, yes it's true, but then the Borg moved in and you've seen it, haven't you?
TOM PARIS: Should we blame the nanoprobes?
CHELL: Should we blame the Queen?
HARRY KIM: Or the drones who did the deed and were so mean?
BE'LANNA TORRES: Hell no!
ALL: Blame Canada! Blame Canada! With all their hockey hullabaloo,
BE'LANNA TORRES: And that bitch Anne Murray too!
ALL: Blame Canada! Shame on Canada! We need to stop the smut, and bash the trash, the laughter and fun must all be undone, we need to blame them and raise a fuss before somebody thinks of blaming us!
BE'LANNA TORRES: How are we supposed to do that?
TOM PARIS: How should I know?