(Skew to Holodeck. TOM PARIS, HARRY KIM, BE'LANNA TORRES, and CHELL are in there, working on settings for a Christmas party. So far they have a room that looks slightly Victorian. There is no snow on the ground inside the huge room. There is a snowy field outside, and a stable. It seems as if they are planning on sleigh rides. There is a dance floor, a fireplace, a long table, a big bay window, and an enormous Christmas tree.)
VOTN: It's eleven days later, and tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Tom, Be'lanna, and Chell are actually working on the Christmas party settings, and they let Harry come along for the hell of it. Be'lanna just can't stand to see a grown man cry.
CHELL: I'm telling you, Be'lanna, I just don't think that gagh is acceptable for decoration.
BE'LANNA TORRES: All right, all right, we won't use that. But can we please use the moose head?
CHELL: O.K. Tom, put a moose head over the fireplace.
(A mounted MOOSE HEAD appears over the fireplace.)
TOM PARIS: Wait, let's make it funnier. Be'lanna, come here.
(She goes over to him. He whispers something in her ear, and she starts to laugh. She goes over and tells Chell, and he cracks up.)
CHELL: Do it, Tom!
TOM PARIS: Will do.
(The MOOSE HEAD vanishes for a moment, then is replaced by the head of SEVEN OF NINE. The mouth is open, and there is an apple in it. There is a pair of TACKY INFLATABLE ANTLERS adorning the top of the head, and the hair is back.) TOM PARIS, CHELL, and BE'LANNA TORRES crack up, but HARRY KIM starts to cry.)
HARRY KIM: That's not funny!
TOM PARIS: You're right! It's HILARIOUS!
BE'LANNA TORRES: We're keeping that!
CHELL: Well, guys, this seems done. Let's call it a day.
TOM PARIS: You know, even though my entire family, not to mention all but under a hundred members of my species have been turned into mindless drones working for the source of the most ultimate evil in the entire galaxy, this'll be the best Christmas ever! All we need is some mistletoe, and I'm just going to put it up on the ceiling right…here. (A sprig of MISTLETOE appears over BE'LANNA TORRES'S head.) Uh-oh, looks like somebody's already under it! (He goes over to her. What follows is obvious. HARRY KIM looks on, jealous.)
BE'LANNA TORRES: Stop it, stop it, stop it! (giggles) Now, Tommy, that's enough! We have to go back on duty! Oh all right, it's not enough. (They continue for a moment, then EVERYBODY leaves.)
VOTN: Well, it's third shift on Friday. If you were paying attention, this is where I leave the story for a while. It's my turn on the holodeck now. John, Mort, and I are running a ship simulation where John's the Captain, I'm the Chief Engineer, and Mort gets to philosophize his little heart out as First Officer. Only, John and Mort won't be getting ANY ready room time. Now, I'm not saying Johnny won't be stopping down by engineering, but we do have a whole shift on this sucker. In the meantime, I won't be available for commentary, so we now move to Deck Three, Officer's Quarters. (Skew to an outside view of THE CAPTAIN'S Quarters. THE CAPTAIN is standing in front of them.) Let's stop now outside the quarters of Captain Janeway. Let's now watch her go in. After that, we're visiting Tuvok and the Doctor, and then we go to commercial.
THE CAPTAIN: Computer, open these doors, command code Janeway Pi Alpha Ro. (The doors open.) Man, I wish I didn't have to say that stupid code every time I wanted to get in. Nobody else has to! Oh, well. (She goes in. BLACK OUT. We are now in Tuvok's quarters.)
TUVOK: (On cell phone) No, dammit, I will NOT be going to any convention! No, you and Dad are fine! For God's sake, Mom, I'm not your little Timmy any more! Don't ever call me at work again! (Hangs up, turns to camera) AAAH! Damn, I wish that narrator didn't take breaks! Excuse me for a second. (He clears his throat, and begins to pace.) I have no reasonable idea of what sort of gift to give to Lieutenant Paris. He is an illogical person with no exact preferences for any one thing. It is illogical to give him toys, as he is an adult, although that may be appropriate. How about food? Computer, please list food items that are traditionally given at Christmas.
COMPUTER VOICE (CV): Candy.
TUVOK: No. He would forget to sanitize his teeth afterwards. They would rot out of his thick skull in one week.
CV: Chocolates.
TUVOK: No. Much too intimate.
CV: Fruitcake.
TUVOK: Fruitcake? Computer, please define "fruitcake."
CV: Fruitcake is a traditional Earth delicacy consumed mainly in the month of December. It is usually hard, dark, and sticky. Fruitcake has small pieces of dried fruits in it, hence the name. It is also known as dried fruit bread or fruit ring.
TUVOK: Computer, what does the average child have to say about fruitcake?
CV: Children find fruitcake a mystery. It is hard to cut, and tastes unreasonably nasty. They find it hard to believe that something called cake, a food known to be delicious, could have the texture and taste of dog shit.
TUVOK: That's perfect for Mister Paris! (He goes over to the replicator.) Computer, one Earth Fruitcake. (It appears.) Eww! Computer, one large box of tinfoil. (The tinfoil appears. He takes the fruitcake and wraps it in the tinfoil. The entire roll of tinfoil.) Computer, a marker please. (A permanent marker appears. He sniffs it.) Ahhhhh. (He begins to write on the tinfoil.) To The Ship Idiot. Oops. To Mister Paris. From Mister Tuvok. And now to put it under the tree. (He walks to the turbolift.) Deck four. (After a minute, the lift stops. He gets out and walks to the holodeck, fruitcake under his arm. He walks in and places it under the tree. There are several gifts under the tree already. He leaves. BLACKOUT. We are now in Sickbay. THE DOCTOR is in there, and he is on the table with a holographic female who looks like SEVEN OF NINE, speaking in her voice. We'll call her SEVEN OF NINE.)
THE DOCTOR: Who's your holographic daddy, who's your holographic daddy?
SEVEN OF NINE: Oooh! You are, you are!