Title: Colorblind
Author: Ren201
Spoilers: Things specific, end of season two
Disclaimer: I don't own anything ... except the occasional character and the stories I write; now they are mine.
Author's note: For the record the title goes with the song. This ISN'T a song fic, so now you have no excuse not to read! All feedback welcome, I love to know what you think!
A/N: '13 going on 30' comes out in British cinema's on August 4th! I just saw a trailer for it! YAY! Okay, that's probably ruined the mood for the story now ... lol. R&R
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I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am
Taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and up tight
Pull me out from inside I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside I am ready, I am ready, I ready, I am fine
I am fine I am fine
'Colorblind' by Counting Crows.
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I guess that you could say that the strange thing was that I used to watch him. It could probably be deemed as depraved or something, but it was all I could do. I couldn't do what I was doing without seeing his face everyday; it didn't feel right to know that he was suffering and not be able to help. I knew what that pain felt like, it happens to be something that has plagued my entire life, I knew how this grief could affect you and yet I was helpless to prevent it.
I had spent everyday thinking about him, granted the constant torture and brainwashing attempts were to be contended with; but it was always about him. I was forced to spend 9 months without him and I then had to watch another woman take my place. To say it was a surprise was definitely an understatement. To me, 9 months was nothing, I thought it would be the same for him, but I was obviously wrong, and that conclusion alone hurt more than I could possibly say. It was only then that I realised that Kendal was right. Sydney Bristow no longer existed, and with that, no longer did her life.
I spent the next 3 months watching them, together; although escaping the Covenant left something to be desired. I knew that it was dangerous, that I was putting him at risk just by being there, but I couldn't stop. I knew that the Covenant were watching him, but that only made me want him more. The missions became more frequent and dangerous, as did my visits to see him. I saw how he treated her, I saw how he changed, but most of all, I watched as he fell in love with her. I watched my life slowly disappear. It only took him those three months to move in and propose to the new woman in his life. I was long forgotten and I could only wonder if I ever had him at all?
I knew that it wasn't healthy to have such an obsession over his life, over their life, I should move on, just like he had, but I was addicted. He had moved on so quickly and no one seemed to object. In such a short space of time, he had completely moved on and started a new life. He had left the CIA and become a teacher, at first I thought that it was my influence that persuaded him to choose that path, but now, I don't know. Everything has changed so drastically that I don't know where I begin and the endless aliases finish.
It was almost 13 months after my disappearance that I finally managed to once again evade the grasps of the Covenant. I knew that the consequences would most likely be dire on my part, but I had no choice. I couldn't live my life knowing that I had simply done nothing while the man I loved married another woman. I wanted him to be happy, there were no qualms about that, it was simply my last chance to say goodbye to him, after that I would severe all connections to him. This was my last chance at closure, or at least that was what I told myself.
The church was small, but by no means any less attractive. I stood for a moment finding it slightly ironic how the beauty seemed to radiate from the small building; the Sun was slowly setting and the glow that appeared around the church only increased it's elegance. I stood for a moment longer in awe of the beauty laid out before, staring wistfully at the impeccable charm, wishing that I were there for another reason.
Slowly, I pulled myself back into reality, knowing that I should savour every moment and commit it to memory. It would be my last memory of him and I didn't plan on spoiling it in any way. I wouldn't stay for the ceremony, I had already decided that I would leave before the vows where exchanged. I couldn't miss my last opportunity of seeing him. I told myself that this would be the last time and I fully intended on keeping that promise.
I entered the church slowly, taking in my surroundings as I moved to the middle of the church, knowing that the cliché of sitting at the back of the church wouldn't be good enough. I didn't care about quick exists, all I cared about was being near him. I sat for what seemed like hours, waiting for wedding to begin. Swarms of children ran through the church as their laughter filled the small building, towering over the calls from their desperate parents. It was then that I saw him, standing at the front of the church. I quickly wiped away my fallen tears; I missed him so much that it was hurt to breathe. I knew that I should probably leave before I saw anything else, but there was something keeping me there. I couldn't move; I couldn't even acknowledge the sudden change in atmosphere; there was only him. Everything else seemed fade away, he looked ... happy.
A soft music began to slowly fill the church as everyone rose from their seats, peering down the isle, waiting to see the blushing bride. Reluctantly, I followed the gaze of the people around me, knowing that I would only draw attention to myself if I did otherwise. For the first time, I saw her. I saw the woman who stole my love, and at that very moment, I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop what was about to happen. Despite the nagging voice in the back of my mind that constantly told me that I could change the outcome of today, I knew that I could never have what they had, I could never have normal. No matter how desperate I saw to acquire it, I could never give Vaughn what he wanted, I only brought him trouble and heartache. He deserved someone who could make him unconditionally happy and brought no unnecessary danger into his live. He deserved to be happy and it was only now that I was able to truly accept that.
I watched as Vaughn met his bride; taking her hand, he led her towards the priest. I saw the love in his beautiful green eyes and I knew that I couldn't stay any longer. I felt the tears once again fall down my face as the priest began the ceremony, I didn't bother to wipe them away, not this time.
Pausing, I mentally checked my appearance, at least I wouldn't be recognised, nobody would be expecting the dead girlfriend of the groom to show up at the wedding, let alone walk out half way through. Consciously, I straightened my white suit and ran my fingers through my freshly dyed blonde hair, and yet, still, the tears fell.
Feeling thankful that I had chosen a seat by the isle, I silently cursed my position in the middle of the church, knowing that it hadn't been the best idea and would certainly draw attention to me. Quickly deciding to wipe away tears, I pulled on my sunglasses and stood, making my way out of the church, silently hoping that I would go unnoticed. A sudden noise caused me to freeze as the entire church turned towards me in one quick movement.
I had stayed longer than I'd intended and now it was my downfall, I should have paid more attention to what was being said rather than what couldn't be said.
"Do you object to this union?" A voice asked suddenly from the front of the church.
I stood, unable to move. This wasn't the plan. My head screaming at me to say no and then exit the church as quickly as possible, but my heart begging me to disagree, pleading with me to say 'yes'. I stood for a moment longer, my emotions tearing between my heart and my head.
"Do you know that woman Michael?" A woman suddenly asked, her confusion and slight amusement clearly shown through her chipped British accent.
"I don't know. I don't think so." Vaughn replied uncertainly, I felt the eyes of the guests flicking between Vaughn and myself, willing me to turn round. Finally, my heart won out over my head.
I ducked my head slightly as I turned to face the man I loved, my hair cover my face as I removed my sunglasses. I lifted my head and looked straight into his eyes. A few gasps echoed though the church, as confusion filled the faces of the congregation, most of which confused by the presence of the unknown woman.
"Sydney?" Vaughn whispered, earning a few more gasps from the guests as they realised who had interrupted the ceremony.
"It wasn't supposed to be this way. You weren't meant to know." I said gently, momentarily glancing towards Kendal, seeing the look of disappointment and sadness on his face, I quickly looked away.
I paused again before turning and walking down the isle, away from Vaughn. A single word pulled me back, forcing me to turn and face him.
"Why?" Vaughn asked sadly, the feeling of confusion evident in his voice, unsure on how he should react. Not knowing if he should run to me or feel betrayed by my actions.
"It doesn't matter now. You can't change what's going to happen Vaughn." I responded sadly, I knew that we couldn't have a future together. The Covenant would certainly know where I was know and unless I left soon, I put everyone I cared about in danger. Turning away, I walked the few remaining steps towards the church's entrance.
"Why?" Vaughn yelled again as he slowly walked toward me. Pausing, I turned towards him again, not looking in his eyes for fear of what I would see.
"Nine months was nothing to me, I guess that 13 months is even less ... I would have waited ... I would have found the truth ... I would have never given up on you. "I responded, raising my voice more than was necessary as I opened the heavy church door and walked out of his life ... again.
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A/N: I could carry this on, but I'm not sure if it's worth it. Tell me what you think! I love feedback! Flames accepted - just make them nice flames?