Anime Battle Royal I Chapter 3: Road to insanity, an anime x-overs fanfic

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Anime Battle Royal I

Chapter 3

Thursday, November 10, 2001

Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are

owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and

others.

Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.

All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their

respective owners.

WARNING

This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids

wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you

really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!

WARNING

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?

-Chris, Chris, and Matt

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(backstage area)

Announcer: Okay. The quarterfinals in the anime Battle Royal have just finished up! Judges, let's have a look at the current standings!

Serge: (nods)

Michiru: First, I have to say this: We talked with Trunks after his match. It seems he had found a way to travel backward in time and ummm... won the battle with Jigglypuff.

Vegeta: (smiles and gives Trunks a nugy)

STANDINGZ

Vegeta Vegeta

Cloud /

Kirby Kirby /

Sailor Mars /

Trunks Trunks

Jigglypuff /

Clefairy Sailor Mercury /

Sailor Mercury /

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Link

Cloud /

Sailor Mars /

Jigglypuff /

Clefairy/

James: What's going on?

Michiru: Argh, why did we hire him?

Serge: (shrugs)

Michiru: Why did we hire YOU?!

Serge: (undoes vest and tunic, shows pecs to Michiru)

Michiru: Dude. Serge. I don't swing that way.

Serge: !!!

(somewhere, not quite over the rainbow.)

Sun: GASP WHEEZE Geez! Why do you have to put me through all this?!

[Because I can!]

Sun: Vah, fongool! (makes obscene gesture) Ha, I'm almost there!

Sign: [Latin for, "If you can read this, you are both very well educated and 50.0 x 10E999 AUs from Stuna Arena."]

Sun: DOG GAMMIT

(backstage area)

Announcer: Anyways, since the first part of the Winners' Tournament is over, we'll interview They Who Didst Not Make The Cut. We'll go to our man in the field, Heero Yu... How do you pronounce that?!

Heero: Yuie.

Announcer: Oh.

Heero: Okay. I'm Heero Yuie. I don't mind dying for an interview.

Michiru: You're an idiot, you know that?

Heero: (gets in her face) I don't care WHAT happens. I WILL destroy you.

Serge: (poses, and summons GF Mister T)

Mr. T: I pity da foo'!

Heero: Aw, shit!

Mr. T: It's you, foo! You welched on our agreement! I'm gonna throw you helluva far!

Heero: (poses) GF Booker T!

Booker T: Sucka!

(Mr. T and Booker T start fighting each other)

Serge: (sweatdrops)

Heero: Where was I? Oh, yes. First on our list of losers, one damn cool Final Fantasy hero, and (squints at cue cards) T.L.'s masturbation fantasy...

Tifa:

Heero: ... sigh (pulls gun, points at his temples, and discharges it)

Tifa: Heero-san is DEAD! So, I'll interview Cloudie! Cloud, how did you feel about losing the match?

Cloud: It sucked. I never got my money.

Tifa: What were your thoughts when you accidentally killed Aeris the slum drunk?

Cloud: Gah, shift happens.

Tifa: You know, that scar on your face makes you look sooooo (...) handsome!

Cloud: Really?

Tifa: Yes. (leads Cloud by the hand into a toilet stall and gives him what he'll remember as the best 35 minutes of his life)

Barret: Okay, since Tifa's busy making teh sex0rs with Cloud, I'll fill in what the suicide jackass was to do. Next whiny loser, Rei Hino.

Rei: Shut up.

Barret: So, your Senshi powers were no match for Kirby's Vac-U-Suck breath. Why was that?

Rei: I t-

Barret: YOU WERE WEAK

Rei: NO I WASNT

Serge: (tries to strangle himself with his bandanna)

Michiru: (takes violin bow and tries to slit her wrists with it)

Barret: So, why did you lose?

Rei: Because Kirby didn't incinerate fast enough! If he did, I'd be making smores right now!

Barret: MMMMMMMmmmmhhhhmmmmmmmmm

Barret: Third LOSER of the moment, Jigglyfoo', as Mr. T would call him. Why did you lose, #39?!

Jigglypuff: Puuffff. Pupuff. Jiiggly. [Because I suck as a Pokemon, and Clefairy is my new god. Waaaaaah]

Barret: I couldn't agree with Gigolopuff more.

Jigglypuff: =(

Barret: So, I'll leave you to make like Island Boy and Miss Lesbo over there.

Serge: (stops strangling himself)

Michiru: (pulls bow away from wrist) WHAT did you just say?!

Serge: (draws Spectra Swallow and charges Barret) Nobody calls ME Island Boy and lives to tell about it &%$#&!!

Barret: Who the...?! (raises gunarm and fires blindly)

Ryo's body: (gets riddled by the small-arms fire, bleeds even more)

Serge: VIOLINS

Michiru: Yes! Violins! (plays a song on her violin)

Serge and Barret: ....

Michiru: (stops playing) ...What?..... Ohhh, you meant VIOLENCE! I get it! (smashes violin across Barret's face) Now, finish your job!

Barret: Yessum. Loser numero quattro, Clefairy, the Shinra of Pokecritters.

Clefairy: Faaaiirry! []

Barret: Whatever. Clefairy, how could you be bested by a shy demure Japanese woman?! With blue hair, no less!

Clefairy: Cle. [I was-]

Snorb: DISTRACTED BY AMI'S SEXY ASS

(Snorb and Matt are both being seen struggling to the judge's stand in casts)

Michiru: How the hell did you get back here so soon?

Announcer: Ya.

Serge: (nods)

Clefairy: Clefa [Ya]

James: ... What? Huh?

Barret: Ya.

Crowd: Ya.

(Camera focuses in on Snorb's face and a silence is heard)

Snorb: ... well...

Everyone else: ...

Snorb: uh...

Matt: How 'bout them Yankees?

Crowd: (cheers)

(Barren Wastelands)

Sun: (falls down)

(Arena)

Michiru: Hey! WAIT A SECOND!

Announcer: What is it now?

Michiru: I almost forgot to ask. How in the hell are some of these losers still alive? I mean wasn't Rei blown to oblivion?

Snorb: Hey! I wanna b-

Matt: (slaps Snorb in the head)

Michiru: And Cloud.

(stall)

Cloud: (major sweatdrops) YES! YES!

(backstage)

Michiru: How could he come-

(stall)

Tifa: YEEEEEEEEEEEES!

(backstage)

Michiru: -back from a puddle of blood?

Announcer: There is a perfectly good explanation for that. (walks away)

Barret: Ooooooookay. Like I was saying, how could you lose to Ami?

Clefairy: Clef. Clefairy fairy faaaaaiiiirrrrrrry. Cle. Fairy fair clefairy cleeeeeee. [I accidentally fired about 900 Gravitonne7s at my chin. It hurt. A lot. Ami's 900 Gravitonne7s didn't help me much, either.]

Barret: So, you suicided. Am I right?

Clefairy: Clef. (nods)

Serge: (mumbling) Moron...

Clefairy: ???

Serge: (shakes head)

Barret: Fuck this, I quit. You guys interview Link.

Serge: sigh (nods)

Michiru: (leads Link in on a leash)

Serge: (points to picture of Cloud)

Link: Grrrrr.... GRRRR... growl (nearly claws the picture apart. Michiru yanks the leash back)

Serge: (draws Mastermune, strikes pose)

Link: (nods) Grrrrr!!! growl! snort!

Matt: (pats Link on the head) good doggie

James: (holds out a biscuit)

Link: (Pants)

Michiru: (in a baby voice) Are we going to see some blood and gore today?

Link: (stands up and speaks in a deep English ascent) Seriously, I really don't see why you people enjoy such nonsense. But if it makes you happy, then by all means, yes. (takes out a pair of glasses, wipes them with handkerchief, puts them away and gets back on his knees)

James: Awwwww isn't that cute (throws him the biscuit)

Matt: Ya know. Sometimes I think he can really understand us.

Serge: (rolls eyes)

Announcer: Okay, the next bout better be good- the fans demand blood after that Ring-out-athon.

James: Serge, I don't like the ring outs. Should we keep them?

Serge: (puts on executioner's hood, and gives the thumbs down)

James: I see. Michi?

Michiru: Hell no. Make the fights FIGHTS, not some pansy Tekken wannabe.

James: What's Tekken?

Serge: (hits James with Spectra Swallow)

[Fight Five: Vegeta vs. Kirby: WHYYYYYYYYYYY]

Kirby: !!!

(Glass-shattering shrieks can be heard coming from the bathroom were we last left Cloud and Tifa)

(somewhere)

Sun: Too much info! Why do you, the author, have to put me through such strife!

[You already asked me that. As of now, it looks like Tifa's putting Strife through herself!]

Sun: (shouts upwards at sky) TOO MUUUUCCCHHHHH!

Old Fart #1: Heh, he's shouting at the sky.

Old Fart #2: Call the Men In White.

Siren: NEE OHH NEE OHH NEE OHH

Sun: OHH FUX

(arena.)

Vegeta: FIIINAL FLASH! (ki blasts Kirby, who is smashed by the blast. Surprise, surprise. He's still alive.)

Kirby: Eyaaaah... (pulls Final Cutter) Umph! (slams ground, fires a blast from the Final Cutter)

Vegeta: Wow. That was so not hurtful.

Kirby: Wooooosh! (sucks in Vegeta, ducks, and spits out Vegeta) Fi'al Fla'h! (releases a mini-ki blast, and does the impossible- knock Vegeta on his arse!)

Vegeta: Ow, damn you!

Kirby: (petrifies above Vegeta, and lands on his head)

Vegeta: For the ninth time in my life, I am pissed off! F I N A L F L A S H!!!

Kirby: Fi'al Fla'h! (both ki blasts fizzle out)

Kirby: (punches Vegeta)

Vegeta: Eat boot, pal! (punts Kirby in the but with a giant cowboy boot)

Kirby: AAAGHHHH! Owww! Oh, woe is meeee! Woe is my ass!

Crowd: (laughing and pointing)

Kirby: Waaaaaah! (runs around)

Crowd member 712: Hehehe (throws an axe to Vegeta)

Vegeta: Thanks. (runs around in a circle after Kirby)

Michiru: Heh, he's gettin' a tad close to that circle.

James: What's the circle for? It's not the Mark of Samael, is it?

Serge: (slaps forehead)

Michiru: No. In case a contestant crosses that circle, they are "accidentally" shot to death with the lasers from Akira.

Serge: (points to sharpshooters in stands questioningly)

Michiru: Ah, yes. Snipers, are you ready?

Zoah: I AM READY.

Minako: Yep. Ready. Nervous trigger finger.

Vegeta: BAM BABBY! (slices off both Kirby's arms and his head)

Crowd: (Gasps)

Vegeta: Hehehe. (starts to walk away)

(Kirby's corpse starts to move)

Vegeta: What the Fuck!?

Kirby: (walks lifelessly around the ring toward vegeta)

Crowd: O.o

James: What? Never seen a headless, armless, living dead thing before?

Serge: (shakes head)

Vegeta: (runs in a rage at Kirby)

Kirby: (turns into rock)

Vegeta: (trips, and lands halfway outside the line)

Sgt. Pruitt (Play Police Quest V, people!): Green light!

(held cell of the stadium. Several bursts of assault laser fire are heard for a few minutes.)

Vegeta: (gets up, missing the back of his head and his left arm) Ouchies.

Kirby: !!!

Michiru: That sly butterball of a kid. (laughs) He kinda reminds me of myself, when I was a little boy.

Matt, Serge and Snorb: O.o

Vegeta: (looks at stomach) Hey, I've got a wound the size of a grapefruit in my gut that would ruin anyone else's day. Kirby?

Kirby: (talking through it's neck) Yes?

Vegeta: Did you do this?

Kirby: [I cannot tell a lie, but I shall anyway!] ...... "Yes."

Vegeta: DIIIIIEEE!.... Bah, who am I trying to kid? (fumps over, deader than Frieza)

Serge: HOLY SHIT!

Michiru: Kirby won another fight!

Announcer: Why must I have to disappoint the fans? Kirby wins.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(a very fat guy gets up from his chair in the audience)

Buu: (sreams) WHAT!?!?

Crowd: O.O

(silence)

Buu: (fades to just outside the ring)

Kirby: !!! (braces himself)

Buu: (zaps Kirby with pink rays. Apparently not trying to hurt him, the rays regenerate Kirby's arms and his head pops back up)

Kirby: (softly) Thank you.

Buu: (smiles) No prob, lill' buddy.

(A man dressed like Tetsuo gets out of the stands, and walks to Vegeta's body)

Serge: (raises eyebrow questioningly)

Buu: (Glares at the man)

James: What's goin' on? Mary? Is that you?

Michiru: Deep Submer- (Serge kisses her) Why, Serge! I didn't know you cared!

Serge: (shakes head)

Michiru: So, you don't care. Good, neither do I.

Serge: =(.... I think.

Tetsuo: Heh, didn't stand a chance. (rips Vegeta's head off, revealing... Squall!)

Squall: .....ow...ow....OW..... xX.

Michiru: But, who's that?!

Tetsuo: (rips mask off, revealing... Vegeta!)

James: Okay. Veggiehead wins. I guess. I know nothing.

Serge: (snickers)

Michiru: What? What's so funny, Serge?

Serge: (shakes head)

James: Wait. Never mind. I guess the fight will go on.

Michiru: Man. This fight has really shouldn't take this long.

Snorb: This is exactly why DBZ fans affectionately call it "Drag-on ball Z".

Buu: (grins)

Kirby: You're a dead man vegetable boy!

Buu: (shoots a red ray out of his "head thingie" at Vegeta)

Vegeta: (holds up mirror and the beam flys back at Kirby who is amazingly turned into a carrot)

Crowd: (smiles)

Vegeta: What? Kakarott! Is that you!? No it can't be! After all these years you have...

(6 hours later)

Vegeta: ...and which brings me to today. (pauses) Lets fight Kakarott!

Kirby: ...

Vegeta: Wait! You're not Kakarott, you mimicking ASS HOLE! (runs up to Kirby and pops him in his mouth) hehe.

Buu: O.O (crys and runs away)

Snorb: ZZZZZzzzz... huh? Wa?

Matt: And the Veg man wins!

Vegeta: Well, who thought that I, Vegeta, could actually lose?!

James: (raises his hand)

(3 seconds later)

Michiru: Do you have to kill EVERYONE who disagrees with you, Vegeta?!

Vegeta: In a word, yes.

Matt: Why didn't you fight earlier anyway?

Vegeta: ...

(Camera zooms in to his face)

Vegeta: (Smiles innocently) How 'bout them diamondbacks?

Everyone: O.O

Vegeta: ...

Link: (growls)

STANDINGZ

Vegeta Vegeta

Cloud / Vegeta

Kirby Kirby /

Sailor Mars /

Trunks Trunks

Jigglypuff /

Clefairy Sailor Mercury /

Sailor Mercury /

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Link

Cloud /

Sailor Mars /

Jigglypuff /

Clefairy /

Kirby /