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Anime Battle Royal I
Chapter 4
Friday, November 16, 2001
Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are
owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and
others.
Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.
All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their
respective owners.
The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME
WARNING
This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids
wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you
really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!
WARNING
()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?
-Chris, Chris, and Matt
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Announcer: So, getting back on track here, since our judges have a rather high casualty rate, I'm gonna have to ask you to sign some forms.
Serge: oO?
Michiru: Yeah, Serge! What's the problem?
Announcer: Standard waiver/liability forms.
Serge: (puts on reading glasses, reads to himself) I, the undersigned, hereby give myself to Squaresoft, Pioneer Entertainment, FUNimation America, and Sony Computer Entertainment America. (removes glasses) D:
Michiru: Serge, they already own us.
Serge: (hopeful glance)
Announcer: (sweatdrops) So, they're already null and void?
Serge: (nods)
Michiru: What he s-...um, can I say you said that?
Serge: (nods)
Michiru: What he said before that.
Announcer: Well, we need to keep the number of judges odd just incase there is a tie. Sooooo... it looks like we need 1 more to make 5, seeing as you killed the last two.
Serge: (shakes head alarmedly)
Michiru: Hey, we killed HARRY! James is Vegeta's involuntary manslaughter case- not ours!
Serge: whew! (wipes brow)
Announcer: sigh Okay... video game reps don't quite work out...
Serge: (kicks over table, draws Spectra Swallow)
Announcer: Maybe they do. But, we still need an unbiased third judge... where can we get one on such short notice...?
(toilet stalls)
Goku: Ah, geez! I really shouldn't have challenged that Dincht nut to a hot dog eating contest! (embarrassingly disgusting wet fart noises)
Tifa: (next stall over) Ohhh.. oh, CLOUD! OHH, YES!
Goku: ...Umm... do you have any toilet paper over there...? Or porno mags? (The Final Fantasy IV PornoMag/Smut slides into Goku's stall) Thanks, sir... I think.
Cloud: (in Tifa's stall) Ahh... AHHHH!
Goku: Anyway, what was I saying? Ah, yeah. If I ever see that Zell Dincht again, I'm gonna challenge him to a rematch! Nobody outeats me!... unless your name is Usagi Tsukino... but that's a whole other fanfic.
Announcer: (faint zipping sound, next stall over the other way) Yeah, Goke, you tell him! He doesn't even stand a chance if he chopped that mop and belt-sanded that tattoo off his face! (flushes toilet)
Cloud: Yeah, what is that thing?! Squall explained it to me once... said it was supposed to be Tenchi Muyo, or something.
Announcer: Anyways, before the crowd degenerates into a soccer riot, we need a fifth judge. Any takers?
Tifa: OH, YES! GOD, YES!
Announcer: Really, you'll do it, Tifa?
Tifa: No... no, Cloud...
Goku: She's biased, man! She's been in there with Cloud giving him an for the past two hours.... waitaminnit... SHE?! Am I in the right bathroom?!
Announcer: Wait. Wasn't it only supposed to be 35 minuets?
Goku: Ya well... in anime... 35 minuets could be 35 days, 35 hours, 35 seconds. Remember when I was fighting Frieza? 5 minuets must have taken like 8 episodes. But you know. It was soooooo dragged out. I mean some of the characters would just keep repeating things over and over and over until someone just wanted to kick the crap out of um.
Announcer: ya w-
Goku: They kept interrupting people too, saying the same thing, and all this other stuff over and over and over until someone just wanted to kick the cr-
(a loud clang is heard from the bathroom)
(paddywagon)
Sun: (collapses to the ground, starts weeping uncontrollably) Why, author?! WHY must you degrade every character?!
Orderly: Because I don't like you!
Driver: Yeah, you tell him.
(all look out windshield)
Sun and Orderly: TURN RIGHT!!!
Driver: Why...? Oh, shit.
Alessa: (covers face Silent Hill-esque, and is promptly run down in a most unSilent Hill-like fashion. The paddywagon then plows into a street sign and explodes, killing the driver and orderly. Sun is unhurt.)
Sun: Ha haaa! Freedom at last! (rips out of straitjacket)
Sign: 12 Miles to Arena. 9 Feet to Uncle Bill's Insane Asylum.
Sun: Hmm. I can't read it. All thoughs dam drugs they "forced" me to take must be kicking in. (nods with eyes rolled in head) But which way should I go?! Ah, I'll use my psychic intuition! ..... KAAAANEEEEDAAAA!
(arena)
Voice: eedaaa...aaa...aaa...!
Snorb: What the?
Matt: Sounds familiar. Lemme see... TEEETTSSUUUOOOOO!
(crazy Flambe!)
Voice: tsuuoooo...ooooo..oooo...!
Sun: (follows the voice while shouting "KANEDA" repeatedly)
(arena)
[Fight Six: Trunks vs. Sailor Mercury: Trunks: Intelligence over strength, eh? Not on MY watch!]
Goku: (kicks down bathroom door, pulls pants up, and removes toilet paper from foot, in that order) Insula! Keioh! I'm ready!
Serge: (gives thumbs up)
Michiru: Great. Sit down in that blood-stained seat between us.
Goku: Hm. Bit moist. Did the last judge have an accident?
Serge: (bigsweats) Err... you could say that...
Goku: Funny, Serge. Thought they said you never say a word when in a party of five.
Serge: (nods)
Michiru and Goku: (fall over)
Crowd member 1823: Good God!
Judges: Huh?
Crowd member 1823: I can't take this anymore! (the beautiful girl dematerializes to the judges stand) Are these the best judges you could find?
Michiru: You bi- (before she can finish her sentence she is blown to bits)
Crowd member 1823: (Smiles evilly)
Announcer: Get over here now! (runs over to her) What do you think you are doing!?
Crowd member 1823: Excuse my French but... these guys suck! I just couldn't take it anymore!
Announcer: Hey I know there are probably a ton of anime characters in this arena that could take all of us out. (points his finger across the audience) But they know they would have to suffer the consequences!
Crowd member 1823: And what exactly are those?
Announcer: Shhh! (quietly brings her to the corner) There really is no consequence. How can someone fend for himself among a bunch of desperate hard-core anime fans? I mean they are perfect! They are intelligent, dedicated, and sexy. (looks at camera and smiles) JUST GET UP THERE AND JUDGE!
Crowd member 1823: Fine.
Announcer: Ok. Due to some suicidal events-
Snorb: But she didn't kill herse-
Announcer: (pulls out silent hill playstation ray gun.
Snorb: Never mind
Announcer: Like I was saying. Now filling in is... What's your name anyway?
Crowd member 1823: (in dramatic voice) I'm the big brested, beautiful long brown haired and blue eyed Morgan, also known as Tox! (strikes a pose)
Announcer: Riggggggggghhhhht. Well it looks like our fighters are getting a little anxious.
(stall)
Tifa: YEEEEEEEEEEES!
(arena)
Trunks: ...Hey, I know you. You're Mako-chan's friend.
Ami: Yes, I am, Trunks. I rememer you, too.
Trunks: (grimaces) Yes, you would, would you? Ah, well.
Ami: (kicks Trunks in the genitals) Ouch!
Trunks: And I'm not even wearing a kick-proof jock.
Ami: Well, give me your best shot. We'll see what you can do.
Trunks: (pulls sword) FINAL FLAAASH! (Ami dives out of the way) Damn it! Why does that never work?!
Ami: You're predictable, Trunks! (pulls ice harp from her personal subspace) They say that music soothes the savage beast... let's see how you like the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!
Trunks: Never heard of it.
Ami: That's the name of my attack, Trunks. (starts playing the harp)
Serge: (shrugs, then turns bandanna backwards. Somehow.) YohomiesIbehangin'outinthehoodwithmybrosandmyhoesandwebetalkin''boutbustin' acapintheassesofafewcopsandwebegangbangin'sayheyhoIsayheyyousayhoheyhopeaceoutyo
Ami and Trunks: ....
Tox: Serge, what in the blue hell was THAT?!
Serge: =( sniffle (turns bandanna forward)
Goku: I thought it was pretty good.
Serge:
Snorb: Yeah, but Ice-T's "Cop Killer" doesn't exactly fit well with Beethoven's Ninth, y'know, Goku?
Serge: =(
Goku: You've been saying that a lot lately, Serge.
Serge: (nods)
Trunks: Umm... could we?
Ami: (looks at harp, then looks at Serge) Mister Insula?
Serge: (looks up)
Ami: I'm going to borrow this for a little while, okay?
Serge: (hugs Spectra Swallow protectively)
Ami: Oh, Serge, it's not like you don't have the Mastermune to threaten people with!
Serge: ...(gives her the Spectra Swallow)
Ami: Thank you, Serge.
Serge: (whisper, whisper, mumble)
Ami: I will, Serge! Don't worry!
Trunks: .... (trims fingernails)
Ami: (twirls Spectra Swallow) Now, let's see what this thing can do! (charges Trunks, and hits him in the face with the swallow)
Sound: CRACK
Serge: NOOOOOOO! Dear GOD, NO! Sweet merciful CRAP! My Spectra Swallow!
Tox: Cheer up, Serge! I'll buy you another one!
Serge: (shakes head, opens hand)
Tox: Oh fine. (gives Serge some money) Don't spend it all on one swallow, okay, Sergey?
Serge: (blushes and nods)
Ami: Maybe you should tell him I just chipped it a little, Trunks.
Trunks: Maybe not. FIINAL...
Ami: (raises the chipped swallow in front of her face)
Trunks: FLAAASHHH! (the flash hits the Spectra Swallow, and deflects into the ground, causing an earthquake.)
Ami: (looks around uneasily) H...How did I survive that?... The Spectra Swallow?...
Trunks: (stares at Ami)
Ami: Trunks?... (looks at crowd) Why is half of the crowd... (squints) nosebleeding? And why is Snorb nosebleeding AND drooling?
Trunks: Umm... well, Ami. I'll put it this way. You uhhh... you've gotten slim.
Ami: (looks down. Aside from her tiara and earrings, she's bare-assed naked) Lemme guess. The Final Flash blast tore off my fuku, right?
Goku: (nods)
Ami: ...can I get dressed?
Snorb: (panting) Leave and lose, Ami.
Ami: ...I see. Enjoy your victory, Trunks.
Trunks: Whaddya mean, "enjoy my victory?" (Ami runs) HEY! Get back here! (chases Ami, grabs her by the feet, and hammerthrows her into the locker room.)
Serge: (unwraps new Spectra Swallow)
Tox: See, Serge? It's not so bad to have a new one... now, where's my change?
Serge: oO (drops a quarter on the table)
Tox: Hmm. Swallows are getting more expensive these days.
Serge: (points at Goku, who is eating fifty steaks and pizzas)
Goku: Whaf? I ashfed him if he good buy me a snahk or two!
Tox: Serge, never buy Saiyans "a little bit" of food. Their midnight snack is the entire Pathmark stockroom.
Serge: --
Goku: She stihl lhakes you, Serfe. (swallows food)
Tox: Platonically.
Serge:
Announcer: And now, ladles and jellyspoons, it's time for the final fight of the Winner's Bracket! The winner of this fight gets a shot at... our grand prize! Judges, tell them about our prize!
(spotlight on a trophy and some money)
Goku: Well, Announcer, the first-place winner gets a spiffy plastic trophy and $1.34 in change!
Serge: (holds up piece of paper with the trophy being used as a pencil holder, a wine glass, and a muzzle, signed "S. Insula 2k1 ")
Snorb: And this $1.34 is... geez... roughly equivalent to... (thinks) Ami? How much is it in yen?
Ami: (dazedly) Y150.08... my fRienD... 150.08.... woW... my hEaD huRTs... (faint)
Snorb: Like Ami said, $1.34US= Y150.08... meaning it's next to worthless in Japan. How much is that in Gil, Announcer?
Announcer: 5000 Gil, of course!
...
(Nowhere special.)
Sun: (reaches turnstile) Hah, I'm -there!- Finally! (The stadium then picks itself out of the ground, and flies Balamb Garden-like to another random location) Pax! I thought I had it for SURE that time! Dammit!
Siren: NEE OHH NEE OHH NEE OHH... You get the idea, don't you?
[Fight Seven: Vegeta vs. Trunks- Winner's Champion: Thirty Episodes Later...]
Goku: Surprise, surprise. Two Saiyans ready to bash each other's brains out to see who wins that crap.
Serge: (rolls eyes)
Vegeta: Trunks.
Trunks: Vegeta.
Announcer: FIIIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTT!!!
(Vegeta punches Trunks who punches Vegeta who punches Trunks who punches Vegeta who punches Trunks who punches Vegeta who punches Trunks who punches... etc.)
Serge: ZZZzzz...
Tox: I concur. Yawn.
Goku: I dunno, Tox. This is actually kind of exciting.
Tox: Goku, look that way, please. (Goku looks forward) NO, IT ISN'T!
Goku: YES IT IS
Tox: OHH DEAR
Trunks: Final Flash! (fires ki blast)
Vegeta: Here's one of my own! Final Flash! (fires BIGGER ki blast)
Trunks: Holy FUUUGHHHH! (Vegeta's blast envelops Trunks's blast. And Trunks, who is badly scorched. The blast keeps on going, targeting one certain fourteen-year old in the stands...)
Hotaru: (eats popcorn) Oh, dear. That giant ki blast is heading my way. (gets blasted by it) (transforms into Sailor Saturn) That's it, you two! I've had enough of your bickering! Deaaathhh....
Serge: (goes wide eyed with horror)
Snorb: Oh, SHIT! She's gonna say it!
Goku and Matt: Say what?
Hotaru: Reeeeborrnn...
Goku: What's she saying?
Snorb: Don't you read the mangas?! This is Death Reborn Revolution! The Senshi attack OF Senshi attacks! THIS is The Big One!
Goku: I don't follow you.
Serge: (clasps hands together, representing Earth.) Death Reborn Revolution! Ka-POW! (seperates hands quickly)
Goku: Um...
Hotaru: Reeevooolluuutioooonnnnn!
(Just before the Earth blasts itself into protomatter, Goku is heard mumbling a faint, "Aw, dragon balls!". However, some malevolent force puts the Earth back as if the massive matter/antimatter explosion never happened... sort of.)
Trunks: Wow. That hurt. A lot.
Vegeta: And I thought to this day I couldn't feel pain.
Trunks: I LOVE YOU, DAD!
Vegeta: I LOVE YOU TOO, SON! (both hug. Just then, a crowd member in an orange coat gets up from his seat)
Crowd member 666: (muffle muffle muffle)
Vegeta: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!?
Crowd member 666: (MUFFLE MUFFLE)!!
Vegeta: YOU PIECE O' SHIT! (fires ki blast, scatering the helpless third grader all over)
Crowd: O.O (simaltaniusly) OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY!
Snorb: ZZZZzzz... Huh? Oh. YOU BASTERD.
(all the crowd members get out of their seats and swarm Vegeta. When they clear out, licked dry bones is all that remains of the proud Saiyan prince)
Goku: Y'know, there's one bad thing about being a Z fighter.
Serge: (questioning glance)
Tox: The GT fighters replace you eventually?
Goku: No.
Snorb: Your best friends always die?
Goku: No.
Matt: You always win?
(everyone stares at Matt)
Goku: No! you have a 73% chance of dying in battle. Looks like Vegeta rolled a 72 on the 100-sided dice of life.
Snorb: That's a dam big die.
Tox: Serge, translate that into something other than obscure Dungeons and Dragons terminology.
Serge: (rolls eyes into back of head, crosses arms on chest, sticks out tounge)
Tox: So, Trunks wins?
Serge: (nods)
Announcer: And there you have it, folks! Our undefeated winner- Trunks!
Trunks: . I... I'm happy yet sad. How will i survive without my father!?
Serge: (gives trunks some left over rapping paper)
Trunks: . (sits on the floor and starts playing with it)
Announcer: For now, our battlers shall rest. Tomorrow, we start... the Loser's Tournament!
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WINNERS ELIMINATION
Vegeta
Cloud / Vegeta
Kirby Vegeta
Sailor Mars / Kirby /
Trunks TRUNKS
Jigglypuff / Trunks /
Clefairy Trunks /
Sailor Mercury / Sailor Mercury /
LOSERS ELIMINATION
Link
Cloud /
Rei /
Jigglypuff /
Clefairy /
Kirby /
Ami /
Vegeta /