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Anime Battle Royal I
Chapter 5
Sunday, December 2, 2001
Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are
owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and
others.
Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.
All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their
respective owners.
The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME
WARNING
This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids
wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you
really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!
WARNING
()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?
((((((((((((((((((( SPECIAL NOTE (((((((((((((((((((
For this part, the character names that indicate who's saying what describe the PHYSICAL form. (just like THAT PART in Chrono Cross.)
((((((((((((((((((( SPECIAL NOTE (((((((((((((((((((
-Chris, Chris, and Matt
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Announcer: And we're back, ladies and gentlemen! Yesterday, or as close you'll get to it in the anime world, as I'm sure you all saw, Trunks defeated Vegeta with the help of a rather convenient mob formation! Let's see that footage again, folks!
(footage of Vegeta being torn limb from limb by the crowd)
Announcer: ...Okay... so, after much ado and suffering, here's the second half of our not-so-exciting...
Serge:
Tox: You've got that right, Sergey-poo!
(suddenly, a fan kicks down the door)
Josh: NO NO NO YOURE DOING IT WRONG YOU STPPID PPLZ LOLZ
Snorb: Oh, great. What do YOU want?
Goku: OMG! It's a crazed fan speaking cheap slang who's here to kill us all!! (curls up and rocks back and forth)
Josh: Do you even know what a battle royal is?!
Serge: DN, DC.
Josh: Huh?!
Serge: (shakes head)
Josh: YOU GET 20 PPLZ AND YOU PUT 4 IN THE RING AND YOU ADD...
Tox: Kid, your "AOL NEWbee" accent is REALLY starting to irk me. AND WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HATH BEEN IRKED
Serge: =(
Tox: If I abuse my powers, Serge, then I can't use them for thirty-seven hours.
Serge: TT
Matt: Funny- Bob Barker says that about Range Game all the time.
Josh: FIX IT OR ELSE
Snorb: Get lost, HF.
Josh: Fuck you, AF.
(the two start knock-down drag-out fighting in the booth)
Serge: VIOLINS
Tox: (looks at Michiru's violin) Maybe I should give this back to her. (teleports it away)
Matt: How are we going to stop those two from killing each other?
Tox: I can't implode his head, (thinks) Boo-lick.
Matt: AAARRRRGGHHH! (poses) GF Mister T!
Mr. T: I pity da foo'!
Judges: Aw, shit! We're DONE for!
Mr. T: I'm gonna throw you helluva far, so quit yer jibba' jabbin'!
Josh: (poses) GF Kurt AAaaaaggghh! (Mr. T throws Josh helluva far)
Snorb: Matt, does your vocabulary include the word "Overkill"?
Matt: Nope.
Goku: How 'bout "Kill-Grilled"?
Matt: Sorry.
Serge: (lifts eyebrow)
Matt: I don't know -what- you just asked me, but I'm fairly sure the answer is no.
Serge: =(
Tox: This must be why DBZ was so popular.
Goku: No. The reason it was popular was because of how life-like it was.
Matt: Ya. I see aliens shooting energy blasts from their fingertips everyday.
Goku: Not like that. I mean how they grow and stuff. Not like The Rugrats(tm) who have been in diapers for 7 years.
Serge: (looks around innocently)
Goku: Damn Nickelodeon(tm)
Snorb: Yes, I know what you mean. Cartoon Network and FUNimation do a much better job. (smiles at the cameras)
Serge: cough Suck up cough
Snorb: HEY! Your job is done Serge. Go. Go back to Arni Village and Leena.
Serge: Shoot me. Life has no meaning.
Everyone: ...
Serge: (starts shaking head rapidly)
Matt: Okay. Go back to the Another World and find Kid, then. Or Miki. Or Riddel. Hell, find Irenes. I don't care.
Serge: ... ... ... (shakes head)
Snorb: Okay. He isn't even REMOTELY aroused by the four best-drawn girls in Chrono Cross.
Serge: (shakes head, writes on a piece of paper)
Matt: (reads paper) "I'm waiting for a friend of mine to pick me up." Oh.
(just then, a Chocobo kicks down the door. A green-haired woman dismounts.)
Terra: Ready to go, Sergey dear?
Serge: (blushes, nods, and s at the same time)
Matt: What- you know her?
Serge: She's my girlfriend!
Terra: Ever since Square let us fraternize with characters from other games.
Matt: This is too weird to be happening.
Terra: Okay. Let's go, then!
Serge: (waves goodbye to everyone, and gropes Terra)
(Somewhere)
(a big white van with "Paddywagon II" written on the side pulls up to the nutzo Sun)
Sun: (unintelligible screaming)
Driver #2: (steps out of van) Ok Sun... take it easy, we are not gonna hurt you.
Orderly #2: That's right Sun. (hides shotgun behind his back)
Sun: Agghhhghghg!!!! That stadium took off just as I got there, those bastards! See if I let them view my website again!
Driver & Orderly: (wrestle Sun to the ground and drag him into the van)
Driver: What a nut job. Hey. Why do you think he was talking about viewing a website?
Orderly: I don't know. Probably some stupid thing this bozo made up. I mean everyone knows that the so-called "Internet" was abolished in the 2040's for causing momentary displacement in the unknown multi-verse molecular carbonating system)
Driver: (nods) Yup.
(arena)
Matt: Huh. No wonder why Serge liked Michiru so much.
Snorb: Michi DID look like Terra, but with no ponytail, darker skin, and larger eyes.
Goku: (looks at Serge's judgecam while eating the Kentucky Fried Chocobo) Umm... okay. Whatever we do, let's NOT cut to Serge's cam.
Matt: Why not?
Goku: Because he and the green-haired girl from Final Fantasy VI are doing what the guy and the big-chested girl from Final Fantasy VII were... or most likely still are... doing in the john.
Snorb: So what?
Goku: And he took his camera with him! Whatever we do, don't ANYBODY cut to Insula's minicam!
(semidramatic pause)
Snorb: But, Terra Brancore's naked breasts equal good ratings!
Matt: Serge Insula's millimeter peter equals BAD ratings!
Goku: Long repetitive action sequences serving no point but to show a fight equals NO ratings!
Matt and Snorb: (snicker)
Goku: What? Why are you staring at me?
Snorb: Look, guys, I got just one request, but this is for the next fighters.
Goku: Fine. What is it?
Snorb: Hurry the hell up! We want to see a fight!
Goku: Yeah! Let's see horrendous needless violence!
Matt: (raises Pheonix Cannon) Somebody kill someone else NOW, or I'll use this!
Serge: (points at Tox)
Tox: Yep. Keioh sucked as a judge, Neptunian princess, and general violinist, so I'm filling in for her permanently! Aaaand, I also wanna get in bed with you (points at Goku) and you (at Matt) and you (at Snorb) and you (at Serge's camera) and you (at Announcer) and you (at Cloud), but you down there in the green can REMAIN a virgin (at Link).
Matt: (to Goku who is scarfing down a chicken legs) Put it in your mouth and let the meat slide down your throat. (to Tox who has started undressing Serge) Not you!
Announcer: Now that our long expository dialogue is finished, can we start the fucking fight?!
Matt: Oh, yeah. Fire it up.
[Fight Eight: Link vs. Cloud: Crazed Men Sharp Pointy Weapons = Many A Rent Off Limb]
Cloud: Ready, Link?
Link: (foams at mouth, starts growling and twirling Master Sword)
Cloud: Fine! Heeiiiyaaaaah! (The two charge each other, and Cloud swings a hastily re-glued Ultima Weapon)
Link: Ha haaa! It's only a flesh wound!
Cloud: (looks at Link) Link, you've lost your left arm!
Link: (picks up Master Sword) So what? Is that the best you can do?! (charges Cloud, who swings again)
Sounds: SHING! (crunch!) THUD.
Link: Ha! That was but a mere scratch!
Cloud: (sweatdrops) I just cut off your other arm, Link. Now what are you gonna do?
Link: (runs up to Cloud) Umm... I can still bleed on you! (bleeds on Cloud's SOLDIER uniform)
Cloud: Please don't do that. This thing is hell for me to dryclean.
Link: Bah, spoilsport! (starts growling again)
Cloud: Pfeh. This fight is over.
Link: (kicks Cloud in the butt) Ha! Haaave at you!
Cloud: What the hell?!
Link: C'mon! (kick) Gimme your best shot! (punt) If you're prepared for the void!
Cloud: (picks up Master Sword) Fine. (sch-WING!)
Link: (hobbling around on one remaining leg Cloud didn't rip off) Keep it comin', pansy! I am unstoppable!
Cloud: (cuts off Link's other leg) Idiot. (starts to walk away)
Link: Hey! (hobble) Get back here, YOU BLUDDY BASTARD
Tox: ... This is what you DO all day? And you're fine with all this?
Snorb: Yep.
Matt: Uh-huh.
Goku: Yeah. If you're wandering around down there, then you're expected to fight to the death for the amusement of the judges- us four being...
Matt: FOUR?!
Snorb: AN EVEN NUMBER?!
Goku: Ugh... sorry.
Tox: Well, we can kill one of us, or we can get Ghost Boy back here.
Serge: (far away) I'm not DEEAAAAD!
Tox: Fine. (teleports Serge in, who is wearing Terra's tank top instead of his vest.)
Serge: ... =(
Tox: What?!
Matt: He said, "Why did you teleport me away from my girlfriend?"
Tox: We had a dearth of judges. And I like your six-pack. Terra's top really accentuates it.
Serge: Well, I HAVE been working out... heh...
Snorb: Yes, Serge, take your seat. You're back.
Serge: (pumps fist in the air while sitting. Matt thinks he hears him shout "Hell yeah! Hell YEAH!")
Snorb: Hey Matt. I bet you $100 Link circumcises cloud big time.
Matt: What are you nutz!? The man's quadriplegic for peat's sake!
Snorb: Ya... but he's got spunk.
Matt: Fine. Deal. (turns away) Spunk my ass.
Everyone: O.o
Matt: (realizes) WAIT! I mean... (two zombies with triangle shaped heads make their way to Matt and impale him from behind) WWWWWWWOOOOOooooooooaaaaaaAAAAAAAAOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!
(Zombies walk away)
Tox: Hey Matt! You took that like a man! (holds hands apart) I mean that thing was like THAT big)
Matt: O.O (tries to sit down, but after no success... continues standing)
Link: Hey, Cloud! You're just gonna walk away from me, because I'm a superior opponent?
Cloud: Link, two things. One, I'm 21 years old, and a trained mercenary. You're seventeen years old, and have absolutely no idea how in the hell to even use a Kokiri Sword, no less the Sword of Time. Two, if you're the superior opponent, how come you're the quadrapeligic and I'm not?
Link: Beginner's luck!
Cloud: (kicks Link in the chest, knocking him down) Call THAT beginner's luck.
Link: (notices Ocarina fell out of his pocket) No so fast, Strife! I still have an ace up my sleeve! (plays C C C, and his limbs reform)
Serge: OO
Matt: How in the...?!
Snorb: Can the Song of Healing do THAT?!
Matt: If it can fix signs, then it'll laugh at torn off limbs!
Tox: Boo! Hiss! You suck llama scrotum, Link!
Serge: (licks his fingers, then flips off Link)
Goku: Get lost, Hylian!
Link: (picks up Ocarina) Cloud, this fight ain't over yet! (plays CV C C, and Saria appears)
Saria: Eat lead, human! (pulls machine gun, and fires at Cloud)
Cloud: (gets shot. A white "6" appears over his head)
Link: Keep firing!
Cloud: No, no... if those are the rules we're fighting by, then it's my turn! (slashes Saria, who turns red and fades into oblivion)
Link: You killed Saria!
Cloud: It's not you liked her, or anything, Link. Grab a grip, pal.
Link: Fuck you! DIE! (charges Cloud, who dodges)
Cloud: This is just getting boring. Okay, Serge.
Serge: (looks at Cloud)
Cloud: I don't like you, and you don't like me.
Serge: (whisper mumble psst)
Cloud: Oh, so you DO like me! Okay, we're friends again!
Serge and Cloud:
Cloud: NEWaaaays, I need to borrow some Elements.
Serge: (questioning glance)
Cloud: You know what, screw it. I'll just borrow YOU. Look into this replica Dragon's Tear.
Serge: (looks into it)
Cloud: (looks into it. A high pitched whining is heard, and they both collapse.)
Tox: Serge! Are you all right?!
Cloud: (gets up, blinks rapidly for a few seconds then nods)
Matt: Good to hear. (double takes)
Snorb: Hey... did what I think happen just happen?!
Cloud: (nods again)
Serge: Hey, Serge, you've been working out! When I'm done hacking Link apart, I think I'll borrow your body for a bit longer and show it to Tifa...
Cloud: (throws away Ultima Weapon, and grabs Spectra Swallow)
Serge: (picks up Ultima Weapon) ...or not. I'll just make use of the facilities for a few minutes...
Link: Hey! Whomever I'm fighting had better get back here NOW, or they're in for a world-class whupping courtesy of ME!
Serge: Serge, teach me how to use Elements.
Cloud: (holds out glowing purple marble)
Serge: Fine. When we win, I'll teach you how to use Materia, all righty?
Cloud:
Goku: Okay, that's long enough! (picks up Serge, and throws him into the ring)
Serge: Now... what was that song?! Seeerggeee!
Link: Die, Strife! (charges Serge)
Cloud: (holds paper with "Yellow-Green-Red-Blue-Black-White" written on it)
Serge: Thanks, Serge! (poses) Upheaval! (a piece of rock smashes into Link's face)
Link: Ouch, dammit! I'm bleeding, asshole! (swings at Serge, who blocks with the Ultima Weapon)
Serge: (poses) Bushwhacker 6! (razor sharp leaves cut Link up)
Link: Ugh... damn you... I need a picker-upper...
Serge: (poses) MagmaBomb -1! (fireballs burn Link, but no real damage)
Link: Nayru! I need your love! (is healed by Nayru's Love)
Tox: What does he need the colors for, Serge?
Cloud: (makes flamelike gesture, then raises four fingers)
Snorb: He's got the first four notes down already?
Cloud: (nods)
Goku: Don't you have any Black Elements?
Cloud: (thinks, then nods)
Matt: Good. Just don't play with Cloud's Materia, okay, Serge?
Tox: Yeah, you'll screw up the pattern.
Serge: (poses) Hellbound! (sends Link to Hell and back, effectively doing nothing but provide a Black Element)
Matt: Just one more! Use a White, Cloud! Use a White!
(paddyshack)
Sun: I don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. With all this stuff about switching bodies and Elements and Serge talking and...
Doctor: Whoa! Serge SAID something?! Maybe he's not insane after all!
Crono: ...
Doctor: Ah, yes. Since you never said anything except in that slideshow ending, then Serge, by definition, must not say anything!
Sun: WTF?! That's the stupidest logic I've ever heard!
Crono: (draws Rainbow Katana)
Sun: Now I see where he gets it from.
(arena)
Serge: (poses) PhotonBeam! (zaps Link with a laser, doing little damage to him. Suddenly, something on his person starts glowing and making a faint chiming sound)
Cloud: (raises eyebrow, then gives Serge a thumbs up)
Link: My turn, pal! (pulls Great Fairy Sword, and slashes at Serge) Damn it! Why do I suck so much today?!
Matt: Will that screw up Cloud's plan?
Cloud: (shakes head)
Serge: (poses) Chrono Cross! (the Chrono Cross appears out of nowhere and plays the Song of Life. Link stupidly looks into it)
Link: Bah, you think a little frozen flame's gonna stop me?! Not a chance tonIIAAAAAGGGGHGGGGGGHHHH! (bursts into unholy blue flame)
Tox: Ah, I see! Because idiot boy looked at the Chrono Cross, now he's literally gonna get his ass kicked for all time!
Cloud: (nods)
Serge: Dammit, Serge! Say SOMETHING!
Cloud: =(
Serge: Ah, forget it.
Link: (screaming like a madman while all of the timelines regarding him are Time Compressed and merged into our timeline)
(five minutes later)
Chrono Cross: [Green] [Red] [Whiiite] Ding!
Serge: (stares at a charred scorch mark that used to be Link)
Cloud: (ditto.)
Serge: Jesus H.! What happened to him, Serge?!
Matt: Looks like he got Time Compressed. Pretty hurtful.
Goku: Yeah. Wouldn't faze a Saiyan, though!
Serge: Wanna bet?! (pulls the Chrono Cross and points it at Goku)
Goku: (sweatdrops) Maybe not.
Announcer: Dammit, now I'm all mixed up. Serge beat Link. But, thanks to your meddling with time, Link never existed. Therefore, it was predestined that Serge won the match.
Serge: Actually, I'm Cloud.
Goku: Besides, with Link having been wiped off the face of Forever, Cloud wins by default anyways.
Serge: Oh, that reminds me! Serge, look into the Tear again. (looks into it)
Cloud: (looks into it, and both collapse again)
Matt: Hey, y'all right, Serge?
Serge: (gets up, blinks a lot, and finally nods)
Cloud: Well, I'm back!
Serge: (thumbs ups Cloud)
Cloud: Yeah, man! (the two punch each other's fist)
Tox, Matt, Snorb, and Goku: (sweatdrop)
Cloud: Now, gimme my sword back. (they exchange weapons)
...
Snorb: Y'know, I wonder what happened to Michiru...
Tox: I blew her up!
Snorb: Yeah, but they always come back... but WHERE, though?
(apartment somewhere in Tokyo)
Haruka: (reading newspaper, hears woman screaming) Huh? (opens door to see a half-burned green-haired woman fall through it) Oh. Back so soon, Michi-chan?
Michiru: Ouch.... coughs up blood That hurt. That REALLY hurt...
(arena)
Matt: Stop changing the subject Chris. (holds out hand)
Snorb: (crys) Hands Matt his money. I was gonna buy a pink Casmir sweater.
Crowd: ...
Tox: Hey! You got somtin wrong with that!
Crowd: (shakes heads vigorously)
Tox: (puts on a bright-eyed anime smile and looks at the sky) We all have something outrageous that we like.
Cloud: (blushes) I'm wearing purple underwear.
Serge: (strikes a pose)
Announcer: And I've always liked... rainbows...
Everyone: Oo
Matt: You sick little man!
Crowd: (grabs flames and pitchforks)
Announcer: Ummmm... I'll be in a foreign country that no one will EVER guess.
Matt: Arizona?
Announcer: (squints eyes) DOH'!! (runs away)
(Brookville Community Hospital)
Sun: NOOOOOOOOOO!! (spins around in his padded room)
Doctor: (blue ZZZ's appear over his head)
Sun: Hmmm... I wonder. (turns around one more time) Damn! (leans on door which flings open) ... (smiles evilly)
(Sun turns the corner and all of a sudden James Bond music starts playing, a guard is seen patrolling the hallway)
Sun: (flattens up against the side of the wall) Hmmm... maybe if I make a noise I will be able to distract him. (taps against the side of the wall)
Guard: Hm? (yellow ???'s appear over his head as he stares at Sun)
Sun: Awww shit!
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WINNERS ELIMINATION
Vegeta
Cloud / Vegeta
Kirby Vegeta
Sailor Mars / Kirby /
Trunks TRUNKS
Jigglypuff / Trunks /
Clefairy Trunks /
Sailor Mercury / Sailor Mercury /
LOSERS ELIMINATION
Link
Cloud
Cloud /
Rei /
Jigglypuff /
Clefairy /
Kirby /
Ami /
Vegeta /
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