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Anime Battle Royal I
Chapter 6
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are
owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and
others.
Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.
All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their
respective owners.
The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME
WARNING
This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids
wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you
really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!
WARNING
()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K?
-Chris, Chris, and Matt
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Matt: Well, wasn't that stupid.
Serge: (nods)
Matt: I wasn't asking you.
Goku: Now that our friend has hauled butt to Foreign Land, wherever shall we get a new announcer?
Snorb: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know! Get Gary Owens!
Matt and Goku: No!
Tox: I had a plan... Sergie, dear?
Serge: ...?
Tox: Wanna fill in the announcer's shoes?
Serge: =(
Tox: Oh.... what are you doing?
Serge: (poses. Miki suddenly appears out of nowhere.)
Miki: Huh? ...Oh. Hi, Serge.
Serge: (blush) :D
Miki: Serge, did you just summon me here and waste a Star Level for some sex?
Serge: (thinks about it a minute, then nods)
Miki: Sorry. (disappears)
Serge: God DAMN IT! (throws Element on the ground)
Matt: Heh, looks like Serge's personal harem is starting to reject him.
Serge: TT
Goku: Cheer up, buddy. If you take that boat oar thingie, and hit a ki blast with it, fun things'll happen.
Serge: =)
Goku: Okay. Kaaame-HAAAMEEE-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME
(paddyshack)
Sun: Oh, God, not another Ki Blast of Eternity!
Crono: ....-....-....-....-...
Sun: Crono, you're not a Saiyan.
Crono: (hangs head in shame)
(arena)
Goku: AAME-AME-HAME-HAAAA! (fires ki blast at Serge)
Serge: (hits it with the Spectra Swallow, sending it flying)
Goku: ...Well, that was pointless.
Serge: (nods)
Tox: Hmm, we still need an announcer.
Matt: I have an idea...
(Somewhere in Johto...)
Snorb: (puts key in handcuffs holding Jenny to the motorcycle)
Matt: (holds Officer Jenny's gun to her head)
Officer Jenny: ...and there's nothing to worry about! I'm all okay! (hangs up radio)
Snorb: Now, Jenny, I'm real sorry we had to do this to you, but we need your motorcycle.
Matt: Now vamoose. (they drive off, and Matt shoots the handcuffs)
(arena, some time later)
Serge:
Goku: Hooray.
Matt: We're back! And we have a new announcer!
Snorb: Say hello to...
New Announcer: Me.
Tox: Fine. Get in the booth. NOW
[Fight Nine: Cloud vs. Sailor Mars: Sluttery]
...
Snorb: Hey, where's Cloud?
Rei: (glances around) Cloud? Are you here?
(john.)
Cloud: Whoa. Tifa, you were INCREDIBLE.
Tifa: ...You weren't so bad yourself.
Cloud: What?! We fucked for nine hours straight... well... not counting the mid-way battle... but... all YOU can say is "You weren't so bad"?!
Tifa: But, Cloud, I...
Cloud: (sheaths Ultima Weapon, hoists pants) No buts! I've got a fight to go to! (leaves)
Rei: Ah, there you are.
Cloud: Okay. Diieeee! (throws the Ultima Weapon as hard as he possibly could)
Rei: (leaps out of the way at the last possible second) Missed.
Cloud: Dammit!
Rei: Now, Cloud... I don't want to hurt you.
Cloud: Bah, then why are you here?
Matt: Why are WE here?
Goku: Shut up- this sounds important.
Rei: Since I found out that we were gonna fight, I decided I was going to take advantage of this moment.
Cloud: Enh?
Rei: (detransforms)
Cloud: (eyes pop out of head)
Goku: I hope that wasn't the sound of eyes popping out of someone's head I just heard.
Serge and Snorb: Sorry. (blink)
Rei: (now wearing a tight miniskirt, red heels, and a low-cut tank top) See? Whaddya think, Cloud?
Cloud: (rips off Rei's shirt) Holy mother of God! You're better looking than Tifa!
Serge and Snorb: (nosebleed)
Matt: Oh, Christ. They have become harder than Mike's Lemonade.
Rei: (rips off Cloud's shirt) Holy mother of God! YOU'RE better looking than Yuuichirou!
Tox: (nosebleeds profusely)
Goku: NOW I've seen everything.
Rei: Ravage me, Cloud! RAVAGE MEEE!
(nuthaus)
Sun: (starts singing the Revolutionary War-era British fighting song) Shoot me shoot me shoot me. ShooooOOOoot meeeEE.
Crono: (draws Rainbow Katana, advances on guard)
Sun: Hmm... time for a song... Jim's escapin' through a hole in the wall/hole in the wall/ hole in the walll...
(arena)
Rei: (rips off the skirt and Cloud's pants) Screw me, Cloud Strife! My virginity will not wait for Yuuichirou!
Matt: Ugh... this is turning into a hardcore hentai fic.
Goku: Me LIIIIKE!
Matt: You make it sound like it's a good thing.
Tox: (stares at Cloud some more, and loses more blood)
Serge and Snorb: (ditto, but they're looking at Rei)
Goku: Well, they're enjoying themselves. (pulls out a Kanoi picture) Loved that scene from Akira...
Cloud: Umm... (thinks about Tifa for about half a second) You've got it! (gets on top and proceeds to fulfill Rei's wants) Man, I LOVE how you feel...
Dude with Brown Hair Hanging Over His Eyes: Hmm... boring fight... Huh?! REI?!
Tifa: Now, Cloud, I know I shouldn't have said that, but...
Rei: Oh, God, YES! YEEES!
Cloud: Man, you're better than Tifa is at this!
D.W.B.H.: Rei, what are you doing?! (runs down stairs into arena)
Tifa: Hmm, there's Yuuichirou... Cloud!
Tifa and Yuuichirou: Oh, my GOD! What the hell are you DOING?!
Cloud: Aw, FUCK! Tifa!
Rei: Oh, no! (covers chest) Yuuichirou!
Cloud: At least they waited until after the Critical Moment!
Yuuichirou: (pulls guitar) Diiie!
Tifa: (raises fist) You too, homeWRECKER! (karatechops Rei's head off at the same time Yuuichirou smashes Cloud with the guitar)
Matt: Finally. A winner.
Tox: Hey, Cloud's naked AND he won! Yayee!
Tifa: Cloud, you didn't die?! (gets very angry)
Announcer: Oh, crap! Tifa LIMIT BREAK
Tifa: (rolls slot machine) [Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!](red flames burst around her) Beeeaat Russsh! (pummels Cloud) Somersault! (does a backflip while kicking Cloud in the groin) Waterkick! (does a leg sweep on Cloud) Meteodrive! (piledrives Cloud) Dolphin Blow! (jumps into the air and bellyslams Cloud) Meteor Strike! (grabs Cloud, jumps, and hurls him to the ground) Fiiinal Heeaaaavennn! (summons energy into her fist, and punches an 18-inch hole into Cloud's chest. A white "DEATH" appears over him.)
Cloud: Unnhhh... (coughs up his intestines- and a LOT of blood. More than was in Akira and DBZ COMBINED)
Serge: (mourns the death of Rei Hino)
Trunks: (hands serge back the rapping papper)
Serge: =
Goku: Well, this is a first.
Matt: Goku, the main character in a Final Fantasy game already died. Remember FF8?
Goku: To those of you who just had your game ruined, fwa ha ha.
Serge: (runs into arena, and hoists Yuuichirou and Tifa's arms up. For some reason, Matt, Goku, and Snorb think he gropes Tifa's chest as he goes for the arms.)
Matt: So, Tifa and Yuuichirou win.
Tifa: We did? Hey, we did!
Yuuichirou: Yeah. Wanna make out?
Tifa: I'll do better. You know that thing Rei wanted you to do, but didn't want to? I DO DAT (drags Yuuichirou off to the bathroom, and gives him the best thirty-five minutes / nine hours of HIS life)
Jigglypuff: Jig! Jigg jig jigglypuff! Puff!
Snorb: Aw, shit.
Goku: What?
Snorb: Jigglypoof says that she needs someone to fight, but her opponent's significant others killed both of them.
Goku: Fine. (looks at box, and starts to weld a Magneton together) Hey, Magneton! Just gimme thirty minutes, and I'll weld you back together! I mean, how many possible combinations can all your parts... (looks at parts) fit... together...?
(some time later.)
[Fight Ten: Jigglypuff vs. Dummy: Target Practice]
JIgglypuff: Puufff! [Yo mamma, Dumb ass Bass!]
Dummy: ...
Matt: Give me one good reason why we're even letting this farce of a fight take place.
Tox: Ratings, my friend. Ratings.
Serge: (looks at picture of Rei in a small bikini) =(
Snorb: I hear ya.
Serge: BACK OFF SHES MINE BITCH
Snorb: Excuse me?
Serge: (holds Spectra Swallow and Mastermune)
Dummy: (casts Idle on itself)
Jigglypuff: Puff! (doubleslaps the dummy)
Dummy: (does nothing)
Goku: Ugh, kill it already.
Dummy: (falls apart)
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Snorb: Yay. It's over. Jigglypuff wins. Its opponent...
...
Clefairy: Clefairy! [MR. T]
(Paddyshack)
Sun: YES! (standing at the exit to the hospital) I'm outta' this place!
Voice: Hahahahaha!
Sun: !?
(a figure steps out of the shadows that looks exactly like Sun)
Sun Look-alike: The good news is, your not crazy. The bad news... (looks down at chest to see Chris' fist strait through it) Oo -- xX
Sun: Take that you worthless pieces of shit. Now, where waAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAA! (a serge of energy flows through Sun)
(sirens whistle as the paddy wagon gets near Sun)
Sun: (grins evilly and starts running)
Driver: O.O Wholly shit! He's doin' fifty!
Sun: (Turns the corner and bumps strait into a police parade that just happened to be going on)
Commissioner: Hey! You!
Sun: Who? Me?
Commissioner: Ya. Don't I know you from somewhere?
Sun: No, I'm not that escaped nutzo from the paddy shack who tries to talk his way out of a sticky situation by lying, rambling on, and stalling for time. By the way, did I mention you should be in a fanfic. (Whistles)
Commissioner: (delayed reaction) Hey wait! It's him! Get 'em boys!
(a hundred gunshots go off)
Sun: (Squints eyes shut for 5 seconds. After realizing he is still alive, he notices that every bullet has stopped in mid air, and that the cops are frozen) O.o I see... so... (Moons cops and chants) ha ha ha ha ha! (turns all the bullets in the opposite direction) (skips away)
(Sun walks up to a rest area, starts drinking a sticky sodaE liquid and watches television... the Anime Battle Royal is on...)
Crowd: (stares)
Goku: (looks at Matt)
Matt: (looks at snorb)
Snorb: (looks at Tox)
Tox: (looks at serge)
Serge: (looks at himself)
Matt: THAT'S IT!
Everyone: (Jumps)
Matt: I can't take it! We need some action! (in serious voice) I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this, but you've all left me with no choice but to present you with the best entertainer of all time. Bring in... (dramatic pause) Sun.
Everyone: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??
Sun: O.O (turns around just in time to spit out the soda at a hospital worker trying to apprehend him. The worker is now covered in the substance, stuck to the floor, and is kicking and waving like a beached wale)
Snorb: So... Sun is finally back. (turns around) What took... O.o (his voice drains as he sees the "Sun" that Matt is referring to) WTF did you do!
Sun # 2: U U U U U U AAAAAAA A aaaaaAAAA! (screams and jumps up and down)
Goku: (looks in animal dictionary) It's a... (pronounces word slowly) Ma... Ma... MA-EN-KAY
Tox: Good job Goku. You tell that Monkey.
Snorb: MATT!!! JUST WHEN I THINK YOU CAN'T GET ANY STUPIDER... WHEN I THINK SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SHOULD CHANGE THEIR SONG TO "SPECIAL MATT"... WHEN I THINK THAT NOT A SINGLE SOUL COULD BE SAD OVER YOUR IDIOTIC DEATH... (Matt shields himself) YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND... totally redeem yourself! (slaps Matt a high five)
Everyone: (falls)
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WINNERS ELIMINATION
Vegeta
Cloud / Vegeta
Kirby Vegeta
Sailor Mars / Kirby /
Trunks TRUNKS
Jigglypuff / Trunks /
Clefairy Trunks /
Sailor Mercury / Sailor Mercury /
LOSERS ELIMINATION
Link
Cloud
Cloud / Dummy
Rei / Jigglypuff
Jigglypuff /
Clefairy /
Kirby /
Ami /
Vegeta /
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