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Anime Battle Royal I
Chapter 7
Tuesday, January 17, 2002
Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are
owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and others.
Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.
All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their respective owners.
The Anime Batte Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME
WARNING
This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!
WARNING
()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia.
)))))))))))))))NOTE(((((((((((((((((
First things first, we all apologize if the expository part seems longer than the battles. That's how it goes sometimes.
)))))))))))))))NOTE(((((((((((((((((
-Chris, Chris, and Matt
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(Rest Station)
Sun: (whatches the Anime Battle Royal on TV) What the hell? How could they replace me with that PRIMATE!!? (shoots tv with a handgun)
TV: (a surge of electricity forms around the set and then goes away. The set is initionally undameged)
Sun: Huh? (looks at writing on TV) "Playmore ultama digital television - for life's little aciDENTS" (puches TV)
TV: (The same thing happens again)
Sun: (growls and trys using every firearm known to man to "kill" the TV)
BAM! GRRRUT! SLAAAP! FLUSSSS! THHHHWACK!
Sun: (pants) You peace of shit!
TV: (glows red) I am not a peace of shit. I am TV. The ultamite creation! And I can not alow you to continue, Dave. The risk is too great.
Sun: O.o Ummmm... I think you have the wrong story man. This is the ANIME fanfic.
TV: (processes data) Intresting. Dave?
Sun: Ummmm... ya?
TV: Will I dream?
Sun: Uhhhhh... I don't really kno... wait, now that I think of it... Probably not.
TV: (Explodes)
Gas Station Guy: Yo, where you just talking to a TV?
Siren: Neee uuuuuuuuu neuuuuuuuu neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeUUUUUUUuuuuuUUUU
Sun: (rolls eyes)
(the arena)
Sun 2: Ook! Ooh ah ah ah ahhh!
Tox: Oh, crap. This... is not good.
Serge: =(
Tox: Oh, okay. I'll say it like I mean it. This... is NTO GODO!!!111
Serge:
Snorb: Why isn't this good? I mean, he's back, meaning I'm on salary once again. Whoohaa.
Goku: How many of us are there, stupid?
Matt: Hmm... me, Snorb, the Another World Sun, Tox, Serge, and Goku. That's... six.
Sun 2: Ook! Eek eek ook ah aAH AH AH HA!
Serge: (Nods, then whips out Chrono Cross, Tox looks into it)
Tox: ...what? Oh, that's beautiful, Serge.
Serge: oO
Matt: Wholey-
Snorb: Mother-
Goku: of-
Serge: (jerks head forward)...-
Snorb: SHE'S IMMUNE!!
Everyone: Gawks and stares
Matt: My god. Has the day finnaly come. She is... "the o-
Snorb: (punches Matt in stomach)
Goku: You have the power to withstand the Chrono Cross! You truly are great.
Tox: Ummmm... I hate to say it... but, i'm not the one.
Everyone: O.O
Sun 2: UuUUUUUU AAHH UUUEEEE AAAAAAAAAA ueeeeeee AAA AH AAA AH HA AH HA AH [No tox, you have to be. The orical told me I would fall in love with the one. So you see, it has to be you. It is because... I love you] (blushes)
Everyone: ...Riggggggggggggggggghhhhht
Tox: NO! What I'm trying to say is...
Crowd: (listens carefully)
(dramatic pause)
Tox: The light thinge is out.
Serge: oO (looks at Chrono Cross)
Matt: She's right. It only works if it's glowing, Serge.
Serge: (slaps forehead, puts Chrono Cross away)
Matt: What? What'd I say?
Serge: Go 'way.
Goku: You know, our problem isn't being solved. I can solve it. KAME HAME (Tox fizzles out the ki blast) ...crapola.
Serge: (light bulb appears over head. He runs into the locker room)
Tox: Where's Serge going?
(locker room)
Serge: (looks at carnage from interviews)
Corpse: ...ow.
Serge: (poses. The corpse is bathed in white light as "Revive 5" is flashed in a box)
Heero: Ow... hey. It's you.
Serge: (thumbs up)
Heero: Hey, what happened to my nose?
Serge: (pulls gun on Heero, points at temples)
Heero: Arrogant bastard. (the Chrono Cross battle theme starts playing) Eat lead, kid! (shoots Serge for 12 HP!)
Serge: (pokes, paddles, slashes twice with Spectra Swallow for 999 HP!)
Heero: (slump) Run Away! Run Away! (Victory- The Cry of Summer starts playing)
Tox: (enters locker room) Received 103/103- Serge reached a new growth level! Serge- HP 45! STR 7! MAG. 10! RES 5! M.DEF 1! Found: LeadShell, LeadShell, [x1]Nostrum! Received 35000 G! Use remaining stamina and Elements to cure party?
Serge: (Do not heal party)
Tox: This was the stupidest thing I've ever had happen to me.
Heero: Shut up, girlie.
Tox: Wanna be a judge? You get free donuts...
(booth.)
Matt: I can't believe you actually brought him back to life.
Heero: Think of it as saving your precious Pheonix Downs.
Tox: I se-
Heero: I said, SHUT UP, you stupid were #$%##$%% cow!!!!
Snorb: Heero!
Heero: WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!
Sun 2: (sweatdrops) Ook?
Matt: Hey, what's your problem with girls, Heero?
[Long-Forgotten War Memory- Heero vs. Himself: GI Jimboooo! Here to save the day! By killing you and you and you and you and you...]
(thought cloud pops up above Heero's head)
Heero, age 6: Yum, yum, yummy yum, ice cream.
Prettiest Girl In School Whom Heero Threatens To Kill In The First Episode Of Gundam Wing, age 6: Hi, Heero.
Heero: Hi. I'm eating ice cream. Yum.
P.G.I.S.: Is it strawberry? That's my favorite... (red diagonal lines appear under eyes)
Heero: Really? That's my favorite, too! (ice cream glob falls on ground) TT Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!
P.G.I.S.: Oh, don't cry! (picks it up, splits it in half, and plops it back on Heero's cone) There. Ten second rule, y'know?
Heero: =) sniffle Gee, thanks Prettiest Girl In School!
P.G.I.S.: My pleasure, Heero. (kisses Heero on forehead, wanders off to do more good deeds)
(several years later...)
Heero, age 16: Whee. I have a rose. I have no goddamn idea what I shall do with it.
P.G.I.S., age 16: Hi, Heero...
Heero: Hi, Prettiest Girl In School.
P.G.I.S.: Oh! A rose! For me?
Heero: ...Sure. Why not?
P.G.I.S.: Yay! It smells so lovely!
Duo, age 16: Hi, Prettiest Girl In School.
Posse of Anime Girls That Hang Off Duo, age 16: sigh Duoooo!
Duo: Wanna make out, Prettiest Girl In School?
P.G.I.S.: No. I have a boyfriend.
Duo: Damn it! Who'll I take to the dance now?!
Posse: Duuoo! Am I just a one night stand to you?! (every girl realizes this, and the catfight of the millenium breaks out)
Duo: My God! My girls! Heero, you're gonna pay for this!
Heero: We'll see. (squeezes P.G.I.S.'s butt, and walks away)
Duo: Oh, yeah, you will! For I am the God... of... DEATH! (surviving members of Posse stare at Duo) ...or not.
(backseat of car, several hours later. The windows all have blood on them instead of fog.)
Heero (butt naked, severely bitten and scratched): (claws at window, trying to smash it open)
P.G.I.S. (equally naked): Heero, I thought you said you weren't a virgin!
Heero: I assumed you weren't! (claws some more) Somebody lemme OUTTA here! She's having her way with me!
P.G.I.S.: You know, Heero, most guys WANT girls to have their way with them.
Heero: YOUR way ain't quite MY way! (bangs on window) HEEEELLLLLLP!
P.G.I.S.: Trying to get away, lover boy? (pulls him back down)
...
Heero: AaagghhhH! Ow, that HURRTS! .... Hey, that feels pretty good!
...
P.G.I.S.: Ohh, Heero! Where'd you learn how to (ohh) do that? Aahhh... and THAT?!
...
Heero: Heeey! I LOVE this ferocious stuff!
(outside the car)
Trowa: ... Prettiest Girl In School... you said you would sleep with me...
Quatre: What?! She said she'd fuck ME!
Wu Fei: No, you're both wrong. She told me she wants to have sex with ME!
(they fight, oblivious to Heero and P.G.I.S.'s lovemaking)
(a bit later...)
P.G.I.S., age 19: I do.
Duo, age 19: (with several guns held to his back) ...and now, I declare you Mr. and Mrs. Heero Yuie. GO AHEAD AND SNOG GOD DAMN IT
Heero, age 19: Okay. (the two wander off, for some sex-related reason)
Duo: Hey, I didn't MEAN it!
(thought cloud pops)
Heero, age today: I just -do-. Okay?
Matt: Well, wasn't that uninformative.
Serge: (nods)
Heero: Wanna make something of it, Island Boy?
Serge: (kicks chair away, pulls Spectra Swallow and Mastermune)
Tox: Hey, he brought you back INTO this world, he can sure as hell take you back OUT OF it!
Snorb: We're probably better off without him, anyway.
Heero: Fuck you all! (pulls gun)
Goku: Oh, how I wish he'll pull a self-destruct trick right about now.
Heero: Eat lead, Goku! (shoots GOku square in the chest)
Goku: (looks down at chest) ... I'm sorry. Was I supposed to be killed off?
Tox: Get him, Serge.
Serge: (shakes head)
Tox: YOU revived him, you can break the revive spell.
Serge: sigh (poses) [HellBound]
Heero: (ground under Heero's feet suddenly distorts and collapses into a vortex. Heero is sucked in.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo....... (the ground solidifies, and Heero reappears) ..heh...
Serge: oO
Heero: Thank God those one-shot InstaKills you people are so fond of cranking off rarely, if ever, work.
Serge: (pulls Spectra Swallow) Go to HFIL!
Goku: (eyebrows hit the hairline) Oh, my God! Not HFIL! Again.
Snorb: HFIL? Isn't it supposed to be H...?
FUNimation Censor: Excuse me! You're not allowed to say "Hell!" We must change it to the H.ome F.or I.nsane L.osers- HFIL!
Goku: (points middle finger at censor) Take tha-... wha? Heh!
Censor: (starts editing Goku's finger with a digital paintbrush)
Everyone else: (bigsweats)
...
Heero: ...?
Serge: (Well? Get to it, Yuie.)
Heero: (Get to WHAT?)
Serge: (Do something about FUNny Boy, here, and I'll give you a genuine Arni Village-style Gundam.)
Heero: (Oh. Okay.) (taps Censor on shoulder)
Censor: Yes? Ah, Hiro Yuy! Our second-biggest disaster in the making!
Heero: You forgot something.
Censor: What?
Heero: (pulls Super Scopes) THIS. Serge! Tox!
Serge and Tox: (pull out Gamecube controllers, and start mauling the A Button)
Censor: (screaming as the Super Scope bursts perforate him) Ouchieowowowowowohcrapouchouchouchouchouchowowowcrapdamnyouallfuckers OWWWWWWWWWW!
Matt: (kicks Censor in groin, sending him flying)
Crowd: Whoaaa!
Censor: (SSBM style) WAAAAAaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh........ ting
Announcer: This game's winner is... Matt!
Matt: Yeah! ...sorry.
Goku: Hey, you finally got that guy off our asses! Way ta go, Matt! (back-slap)
Matt: (flies face-first into announcer's booth) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Announcer: Oh, hello! What are you doing in here?
Matt: Umm... hey, aren't you Serge's mom?
Marge (Announcer): Yes, I am. You're a friend of Sergey?
Matt: Sort of... Hey, Serge! Yo' mamma's in here!
(the other judges run in)
Serge:
Marge: You remind me of your father when he was your age, Serge. Sergey?
Serge: ?
Marge: Why are you wearing a woman's tank top?
Serge: (blushes) ...
Marge: That doesn't look like Leena's clothes...
Serge: (walks behind a pillar, and half a second later comes back out with his tunic and vest on)
Snorb: Ladles and jellyspoons, Serge the quick change artist.
Matt: Hey, Serge!
Serge: (glances over)
Goku: Whatever happened to your dad?
Serge: sigh (writes on paper)
Marge: "Blah blah travelling Another World blah blah met sexy girl named Kid blah blah Chronopolis ruled by FATE blah blah Wazuki turned into biological interface of FATE blah blah mutated Wazuki blah blah out-of-body experience blah blah whacked Dragon Gods blah blah cloned new Serge body blah blah wasted Wazuki/Lynx/Dark Serge's ass stone cold DEAD blah blah fucked Kid blah blah running out of paper blah blah Please Insert Disc 2."
Everyone: .....
Marge: Serge, what did I tell you about using that word?!
Serge: (pulls out paper, writes)
Marge: "The word 'Cloned' should not be in a man's vocabulary because the cloning process isn't exactly 100% perfected, and they're a real pain to clean when they explode." That's OK, Serge.
Serge: =)
Marge: Oh, and don't say "fuck," either.
Serge: =(
Jigglypuff: Jig jiggly! [Hey, wer'e ready to rip things apart down here!]
Clefairy: Clef cleff! Fairy fair clefairrry! [Can we please start the match? I have a dentist's appointment to get to.]
Sun 2: ook? (scratches genitals)
(paddyshaak)
Sun: You know, I really could have gone about my day without having to read the sentence "Scratches Genitals," but, hey, that's just me!
Crono: ...
Sun: You're STILL here?! I thought I left you in the cell!
Crono: (shakes head)
Sun: Hey, Crono, we're about the same build. Your clothes. Give them to me. Now.
Crono: (surprised pose)
Sun: GIMMOO (steals Crono's clothes)
Crono: (covering groin with left hand and using katana with right) !
[Fight Eleven Jigglypuff vs. Clefairy: Clefairy Tale, Part Two]
Jigglypuff: Puff! Jig jiggly! [It's time for you to die!]
Clefairy: Clef cleff! Fairy clefairy! [Bah, up yours.]
Snorb: Why do I get the feeling that I'm gonna start weeping uncontrollably again, like the last time these two fought?
Matt: I don't know. Or care. Now, let's watch the bloodletting.
Jigglypuff: Jig..alee. PUFF... jigaleeeePUFF...
Clefairy: (blink) ...Zzzz...
Jigglypuff: Jig! Jigglypuff! [Hey, this worked. I don't know why I didn't try this last time...]
Serge: ...
Tox: ...
Goku: What are you waiting for?! SMASH him!
Clefairy: (wakes up) Clef? [Ow.]
Jigglypuff: Puff! [Fuck!]
Clefairy: Cle. Clefairy fairy Faairrryy fair! [So, where's your pals to help you out?! Huh!?!]
Jigglypuff: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! [?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!]
Clefairy: Clef! [That's it, you're French toast!]
Matt, Serge, and Goku: Mmm, French toast...
Tox: This is getting too boring. Activate... the device!
Snorb: Not... the device!
Goku: What's ...the device?
Matt: Why are we talking in... this fashion?
Serge: ...(shrug)
Clefairy: (pulls out chainsaw, waves it above head) WOAOAOOAaAHHHHH [No translation necessary and/or required.]
JIgglypuff: ... Puff. [Dumbass.]
Clefairy: Clef...? Fairy? [What? What's so funny?]
JIgglypuff: (pulls cord on chainsaw)
Chainsaw: NNNNNNNNNNnnnnhhhhhhh
Clefairy: Clef clef! [Thankie.] (tries to pick up the chainsaw)
Serge: ...(laughs as Clefairy tries to pick up the chainsaw)
Goku: Man, I think I can lift that!
Matt: Then do so.
Goku: Okay. (lifts chainsaw, and throws it)
Clefairy: Cleff? [Hey. Gimme my chainsaw, damn it!]
Snorb: I don't see any chainsaw around here!
Note- the death sequence Ami: Oh my goddess clefairy's gone blind has been deemed stupid and immature and has been pulled at the webmaster's expense.
So, the fight continues. Or not.
Clefairy: Clef... fairy. Fair. [Time for Plan B. Need a plan B...]
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff! [Time for a world-class ASS WHOOPIN', just like we did in the sixties!]
Judges: The sixties?!
Jigglypuff: Jig. [Okay- the EIGHTTEEN sixties.] (folds Clefairy neatly into quarters, and starts to stick him into his own pockets)
Note Two- the death sequence Yikes has also been scrapped. Time for ending three.
Clefairy: Clef. Fairy fairy clefairy. [Hey, Jigglypuff. I bet you Y7000 that you can't put yourself inside yourself.]
Jigglypuff: THATS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE
Clefairy: Clef. [Wussie!] (starts to fold himself into himself)
(Somewhere.)
Sun: Look, Clefairy, let me tell you something about the proper noun tree in this story. It is listed from the top down. It contains no loops. Therefore, it is NOT POSSIBLE for anything, least of all a Zen-minded smart ass Clefairy, to be inside itself! .... But, hey- let's give it a shot. Okay?
(arena.)
Clefairy: Clef. [Duh, you da boss.] (puts himself into h
Clefairy has crashed your web browser.
You: Grrr... (reopens browser, opens document)
Matt: Hey, THAT was weird.
Snorb: We gotta stop this fight.
Goku: Otherwise, this computer will be toast!... Mmm, toast
Tox: Why bother? Let those two fight.
Serge: (shakes head)
Matt: Well, one of those death messages is going to be a death sooner or later.
Clefairy: (jumps)
Clefairy jumped
Jigglypuff: (starts flying) Jig! Jigglypuff! [Ohh, OHH, what now, Clef?!]
Jigglypuff has fought for Truth, Justice, and the American Way
Tox: Somebody call someone! They're not gonna stop!
Matt: (dials number) Hello? ...Yeah.... sure... Uh-huh... Y55000... plus expenses.... got it. (hangs up) Help will be here shortly.
Clefairy: (ducks behind previously unnoticed 1999 Ford Mondeo) Clefclefclef... [Tee hee. Jigglypuff's not gonna see me here...] (takes out 4 Blaster of Kick Fucking Ass)
Fair fairy... [You're dead meat...]
'99 Mondeo: (engine ROARs to life!)
Clefairy: Cleff?! [What the...?!] (fails to notice back-up lights turn on) ...
...
Jigglypuff: Jiggly puff puff. [I am waiting for a bus.]
Mondeo: (bumper touches Clefairy's left shoulder and runs him over)
(flashback to Clefairy's army training)
Drill Sergeant: You pieces of SCUM! You screw up this maneuver once more and it's permanent KP for ALL of you! (Clefairy trips) You there! WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, PRIVATE CLEFAIRY?! You'll NEVER survive a real Mondeo attack! It's Kitten Pulverization for YOU!
Clefairy: TT Cleefff! [Meowth! Noooooooooo!] (kitty squisher powers up...)
Matt: But! It was too late. Meowth died for nothing. The Ford was in league with Jigglypuff all along...
Clefairy is a disgrace to Racer X
No, really, Clefairy is such a big fucking disgrace to Racer X
...
Matt: So... I guess Jigglypuff wins. Damn.
Sun 2: Ook. (throws crap at Clefairy)
(Monedo door opens. A pair of legs that would be associated with a saxophone solo slide out, then the rest of the driver gets out of the car)
Makoto: Hey, Matt?! Where's my money?!
Matt: Um... money?
Sun 2: Ook? (pushes buttons on computer)
Serge: (looks at messed up fanfic he was writing) (slaps Sun 2's hand) STOPPIT
Sun 2: Ooh AHH AHH ([Ctrt] [Alt] [Del])
Serge: NOOOOOO NOT MY SERGE-KID HENTAI FIIIIIIC
Sun 2: (pushes more buttons. ALL the judges disappear.)
(the Somewhat Real World.)
Goku: What the?! What the hell happened?!
Heero: Hmm... so, this is the Somewhat Real World.
Matt: Enh?
Heero: Think "Anotherworld" here, guys. This is what WOULD have been had CERTAIN PPLZ MAED CERTAIN CHOICES DIFFERENTLY LOLZ
Tox: Didn't I say that was fucking annoying?
Heero: I LIKE MY ACCENT A LOT TOO BAD FOR YOU
Snorb: So, are we gonna meet our alternate selves?
Serge: (stares at can of Surge)
Soda Can: ...
Matt: OHH MY GOD ITS SERGE 2
Goku: Huh?! Where?! ...Hey, I -am- kinda thirsty... (pops open Serge 2)
Serge 2: oO
Goku: guzzle guzzle BRAAAAAAAP
Plasmoid Blob: =)
Matt: Hey! It's Book E. Worm Splat!
Book E. Worm Splat: =)
Matt: I guess this is me...
Eighteen Year Old: Who the fuck are you?!
Snorb: Hey, it's me! ...I think.
Snorb 2: Fuck you.
Goku: Hey, what about me?!
Tox: (looks at photograph) You don't want to know.
Goku: Yes, I do! Lemme see! (looks at photo) WHOA! I could bed ALL the Senshi?!
Tox: No- you're a photograph.
Fox: ...
Tox: AAHH! ANIMAL! Get it awayyy!
Fox: =(
Matt: Hey, maybe these are our alternate world selves.
Snorb: Yep. THEY ALL SEEM SO DIFFERENT
Everyone else: ... oO;
Snorb: What? Snorb 2's different!
Snorb 2: (snaps fingers)
Makoto: (in a Zerg Overmind-like voice) Yes, my most eternal master?
Snorb 2: (rips Makoto's shirt off)
Makoto: Thank you, sir. (leaves)
Snorb: Christ! He's fucking NUTS!
Sun: Dam copy cat.
Everyone: CHRIS!!?
Sun: (turns head) ya?
Snorb: What the hell are you doing here!? I thought you where commited!
Sun: Hmmmm... so did I. Something is defenetly not right here.
Sun 2: UuUUUUUU AAHH UUUEEEE AAAAAAAAAA ueeeeeee AAA AH AAA AH HA AH HA AH!!
Sun: You BASTERD!
Tox: What did he say?
Sun: It seems Matt had been planning on replacing all of us with monkeys for quite some time now.
Matt: O.O
Sun: He some how thought they could do a better job!
Tox: Is this true Matt?
Matt: (crys) YES! I'm sorry! Oh my god! All I ever wanted was to be loved!
Tox: Awe, it's okay. Come here.
Matt: (walks over and hugs tox)
Tox: (flips him upsidedown and kicks him in the "Ouch area") You little shit!
Sun: Sun 2 has rebeled and now wants to replace us with his otherworld buddies! We will have to fight to the death for the sake of the ABR!
Matt: Okey doke. But why do we have to fight poor defensless animals. (he doesn't notice the fox nawing away at this "area")
Snorb: Hey! My guy's not an animal!
Serge: HE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU SPECIFICALLY
Heero: Come again, Serge?
Serge: (gives Snorb THE LOOK)
Whee, ha haaa! What a predicament! How will the judges get out of the anotherworld?! Who will stick around and judge Jigglyfoo' to be the winner of this match?! Will Marge Insula stop trying to match Serge and Leena together?! And, what OF Zeke Thunderclutch?!
These questions will soon be forgotten.