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Anime Battle Royal I
Chapter 9
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are
owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and others.
Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.
All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their respective owners.
The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME
WARNING
This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!
WARNING
()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia.
)))))))))NOTE(((((((((
Firstly, this one's dedicated to Akira Toriyama (1955-NOT DEAD). Also... The people you are about to read are mostly real. Names have NOT been changed because this isn't Dragnet! If you're interested in the REAL song that will be used at the end of this chapter, it's called "Billy the Mountain" by the Mothers. Pretty long, but funny.
)))))))))NOTE(((((((((
-Chris, Chris, and Matt
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(Court)
Matt: ...Don't worry, guys! I'll defend you to the end!
Tox: (rolls eyes) We're getting life without parole.
Snorb: I second that.
Sun: Arrggh, why doesn't Serge have to answer to any of this?!
Matt: HES NOT REAL
Bailiff: Okay, shut up. Judge Whoopi is presiding.
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay I will now announce your individual charges one at a time... Sun.
Sun: Whoopi.
Whoopi: You are charged with...
Breaking the fourth wall. Seven counts.
Second degree murder. Six counts.
Sun: What?! I only killed five people!
Whoopi: ...Murder two, five counts.
Perjury, one count.
Matt: Well... I suppose we can't argue with that.
Whoopi: Public obscenity- 16 counts.
Sun: Eh... not too bad.
Whoopi: Miss Tox. You are charged with four counts of publicly flaunting your body, but, this IS anime so ummmm I'll just charge you with harboring criminals...
Tox: No way! That- awww nevermind. (slams head against table... repeatedly)
Whoopi: Hey! Stop that! ... Chris Schnorrbusch. You are charged with... (raises eyebrows)
Snorb: Oh, God. I did NOT like that eyebrow raising.
Whoopi: Good God! (whispers to security guard) Is this correct? (guard looks, then nods) Snorb, You've got 2,599,003,000,567 counts of plagiarism!
Snorb: DOUGH!
Whoopi: Correction, 2,599,003,000,568 And Matt...
Matt: Yes, I -am- a lawyer.
Whoopi: You are charged with one count of incompetence.
Matt: W00T
Whoopi: (sweatdrops) And I'm adding one count of dumbassery.
Matt: (peace signs) Hallelujah!
Whoopi: Mein Gott in Himmel! Now you've got one charge of public religiousness!
Matt: &%$#!!
Whoopi: How does the defendants plead?
Matt: Well... Tox. How does that shirt fit?
Tox: Tight. Shows off my brea-
Matt: Ah! You see, Judge? If the shirt don't fit...
Sun: Oh, God. Stevie Wonder can see this coming a mile and a half away...
Matt: ...you must acquit.
Sun: -That's- our defense?!
Mike: (kicks down doors) I acquit!
Snorb: Mike! You can't quit now! We didn't even HIRE you!
Mike: ITS REYES TIME
Tox: (sigh) Fine. Go join the rest of the dream team.
Whoopi: Okay... if I take all of the maximum sentences for all your charges if you are convicted, you will get one day in jail.
Mike: Bah, my clients have not committed any crime, because they have been in the arena all this time! And there is no crime when your opponents have been turned to slime! (beatnik style finger snapping)
Defendants: (sweatdrops)
Matt: ...you're fired.
Mike: FUCK YOU I QUIT I HOPE YOU ALL DIE ...wait. I'll just stay here. Not that I care. I just wanna see how this ends.
Whoopi: Can I talk?! However, Sun hath committed... Wall-Tapping in the First Degree! (crowd howls in shock)
Crowd: H0WL IN SHOCK
Whoopi: And that gets an automatic death penalty if convicted. So, how does the defense plead?
Matt: The defense RESTS!
Mike: The defense was in a constant state of rest, if you ask me. And that's my statement on CourTV.
Whoopi: So... I find Snorb guil- wait. (talks abnormally) On a more recent note I have come to the conclusion that boys will be boys. I find Snorb Not guilty on all charges. (stays still)
Everyone: ... Huh?
Sun: (Looks over to see Snorb just finish typing what the judge said on a laptop) ??? O.o Ooooohhhh... (smiles) Two can play at this game.
Whoopi: So, I sentence the rest of you to death.
Sun: (whips out laptop and starts typing)
Whoopi: Wait. I say we let-
Sun: That's it... keep it coming. (laptop falls over on the floor and explodes) Ahhhh SHIT!
Whoopi: (head fries with static electricity) AULGAIKGFLTv98CVH(VH MEKOREA MEKOREA- IX ($)()($ YOU KNOW THE DRILL FFVII OWNS YOU #$()$!(&$(&$(&%&(&$ )($ OMGTKKYB (head fumps over, black smoke pours out of her ears)
Sun: Shit!
All: (stare)
Sun: (runs up to judges stand. Places right hand under Whoopi's jaw and the left over her eyelids. Speaks in high pitched voice while moving her eyes and jaw up and down) I say we let them goooooo! Case dismissed! (Smashes Whoopi's head against the gavel)
Judges: YESSSS! (start cheering) (30 Exp. 5 ABP 0 GP) (Mike gained a Job level!) (learned !BrbJdge)
Matt: Aw, Final Fantasy V stunk! Can't we make fun of FFVI?!
Mike: NO!
(the arena)
Snorb: Hey, Where's Goku?
Sun: And Heero?
Snorb: And Serge?
Matt: And Chrono?
Sun: And Matt?
Snorb: And Mike?!
Sun: And- Snorb? Snorb?! (looks around to see that the arena and everyone around him has disappeared. He is now standing on the side of the road next to a sign saying the ABR arena is 6,000,000 miles away)
(pause)
Sun: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!! (starts laughing maniacally) He wants a fight. I'll give him a fight! (runs to airport)
Airport Person (AP): May I help you?
Sun: I need a ticket to the Anime Battle Royal!
AP: I'm sorry sir but we are sold out.
Sun: Shit.
AP: May I help you with anything else?
Sun: Ummm... ya. (looks at self behind AP) I'll take... that submachine gun behind you please.
AP: Sure, one sec. (hands gun to Sun)
Sun: Ok thanks. (pays and walks outside)
(2.1 seconds later)
Sun: (runs in with gun pointing at AP) PLANE TICKETS!!!! NOW!!!
AP: (Anime Smile) Right away sir.
Goku: Mike. You sucked. You better get better. I'd hate to have to Hurricane Kick you.
Matt: Wholey shit! The hurricane kick! An instant KO move!
Mike: Enh, go ahead and kick me.
(3 seconds later.)
Snorb: (holding putty knife and bucket of cement) HighTemplar I see you have an appetite for destruction. /HighTemplar (starts patching Mike-shaped hole in wall)
Goku: Yeah... is there any food I can eat?
Matt: Hmm. I also see you have an appetite.
Goku: Hey, what do you say I eat the entire contents at the Burger King next door?
Snorb: (patch patch) HighTemplar HOWEVER! I FIND YOUR LACK OF CONTROL DISTURBING /HighTemplar
Tox: Goku, honey? Did something happen to you? After we got separated in that large starfield?
Goku: ...?
Tox: Are you confusing me with someone else? ...(laughs) You WERE always so stupid... remember that time in the hotel?
(Silent Hill 2 theme starts playing)
Goku: Toxxx?
Tox: You said you took everything, but you forgot that anime you drew... I wonder if it's still there?
Serge: ?!
Goku: How do you know about that?! Aren't you Tox...? I.E., not Bulma?
(DEEEEEeeeDeeeeDADEEEEeeeDeeeeeeeeee. Yes, that's the Silent Hill 1 and 2 themes)
Tox: It doesn't matter who I am! I'm not a ghost. I'm here for you, Goke. (shoves Goku's face in her chest) See? I'm real.
Goku: Let go. (Hurricane Kicks Tox through the recently repatched wall)
Snorb: Damn it! (gets Hurricane Kicked)
(Outer space. An alien version of the Simpsons theme plays)
Kang: Look at them, Kodos! The fool has mastered the use of the dreaded Hurricane Kick!
Kodos: The Earthlings will soon be destroyed by this deadly device- and with noone left to kill, Goku will kill himself!
Kang: Then WE will take over the world!
Kang and Kodos: (both laugh. Suddenly, electrical buzzing is heard, and the two are transformed!)
James: What happened to us?
Harry: Quiet, you.
(Urth.)
Goku: Grr.
Serge: (draws Spectra Swallow and Mastermune, and just for the hell of it, Kid's Rainbow Dagger.)
Matt: OHH MY GOD SERGE HAS THREE HANDS
Serge: ?!
Matt: Never mind.
Serge: (poses) Dash&Slash! (dashes and slashes Matt)
Matt: (Hurricane Kicks Serge)
Serge: (goes flying through the Snorb and Tox-shaped holes)
Jigglypuff: Jig...alEE puff... Zz.. Zz...
Kirby: Damn, lets go! I want my turn!
(all of the kicked helluva-far judges reappear, courtesy of Tox.)
[Fight Unlucky Thirteen- Jigglypuff vs. Kirby: Pinkness]
Snorb: Yawn. This is really getting annoying.
Matt: Ah, let them fight. I mean, how much damage can two little pink things...
Jigglypuff: Jig puff jiggly. [Zeeky boogy doog.] (Nuclear explosion)
Kirby: Free snags it. (Earth blows up)
Matt: (face blackened, hair sticking up on spikes) ...do?
Tox: ...This was a mistake.
Jigglypuff: Jig..alee...PUFF...
Kirby: woooshh! (sucks Jigglypuff in, swallows, spits Jigglypuff out) Gig?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! (attempts Rollout, fails)
Snorb: Heh, Jigglypuff failed because she sucks.
Kirby: (Pounds) Poof!
Jigglypuff: Jiggalee... PUFF! (starts singing, all fall asleep but Kirby and jig) Jiggly. [Damn it, not again...]
Kirby: ...You forget! I am immune to your powers, as I am also you!
Jigglypuff: Jig? [?????]
Kirby: Eeyaah! (does Final Cutter) Umph!
Jigglypuff: (gets sliced in half) xX Xx
Kirby: I wiiiin!
(suddenly, both halves of Jigglypuff form into two separate Jigglypuffs! Clearly, something odd is going down!)
Goku: (awakening) Umm... what the stage direction said.
Tox: Who even READS them anymore?
Serge: (shrug)
Tox: That was a rhetorical question.
Snorb: Oh! Serge! Time to insert your EVIL HERO POWERS (tm). (Holds up PSX controller)
Serge: ?
Snorb: This device lets you act as the persona of the person playing as you, which means you get to talk!
Serge: =( (draws Spectra Swallow)
Matt: (throws controller away) However, we'll save that for part 10.
Serge:
Jigglypuff 1: (cuts self in half, reforms into Jigglypuff 1 and 3)
Kirby: Uh...oh...
Jigglypuffs: (all singing, even Kirby is put to sleep!)
Snorb: What the... how the hell does that work?!
Matt: I'll get back to you on th- (looks as the Jigglypuffs continue asexual reproduction) Neat.
Snorb: (looks as the Jigglypuff army advances across the arena) Wow.
Goku: (watches them all surround Kirby) Coolies.
Serge: (the Jigglypuffs all attack Kirby as one) (utter realization kicks in) OH MY DEAR SWEET GOD
Goku: Hmmm. What are the odds of Kirby winning this fight?
Tox: 649 to 1.
Goku: Excellent!
Matt: Against.
Goku: Doh. (bits and pieces of Kirby splatter on the screen, only to be squeegeed off by some unknown hand.)
Snorb: I really could have gone without THAT, too, but...
Jigglypuffs: (all reform into one Jigglypuff) Jig jiggly!
Tox: I guess all of her army won.
Goku: Her, and what army?
Audience: BOO HISS GET OUTTA HERE (throws crap at judges)
Matt: (pulls out Pheonix Cannon, vaporizes another large chunk of grandstand) ANYONE ELSE WANT TO BE A FUCKING HERO?! DOOOOO YA?!!!!!?!?!?
...
Goku: How DO you do that, Matt?
Matt: PRACTICE!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
Serge: PRACTICE;';';';';';';';';';';';';';'
Goku: PRACTICE###############
Matt: (sweatdrops) Ah, close enough.
Snorb: Can we get on with it already!?
Vegeta: All right! Smores time.
Matt: Some more what?
Vegeta: Smores.
Judges: Some more what!?
Vegeta: (shakes head)
[Fight Fourteen: Jigglypuff vs. Vegeta- Jig the Mountain]
Jigglypuff: (pulls out microphone) Jig... aLEE puff.
Vegeta: Nice try. BIG BANG ATTACKIEOOOoooOOO!!! (fires energy wave)
Jigglypuff: Puff! [Pfffffftttt.] (deflates, ducks blast)
Vegeta: Argh... Trunks? Help? ...oh. DOA. Riiiiight.
Jigglypuff: PUUFFFF! [] (inflates)
Mike: Stick a fork in her, she's DONE!
Vegeta: Duh, you da boss. (takes out pin) Poink. (poinks Jigglypuff)
Jigglypuff: (rolls over Vegeta)
Vegeta: Ouch. That hurt a bit.
Matt: Keep going, Jigglypuff!
Tox: You only have to do that 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 more times!
Goku: And all Vegeta has to do is touch you and KABOOOM! No more Jiggly'foo.
Serge: :D
(shadow falls on arena)
Snorb: Uh-oh...
Matt: Holy shit! That's not supposed to happen!
Tox: Jigglypuff's STILL inflating!
Jigglypuff: (now as tall as a small mountain) HAAAA HAAA HAAA HAAAA [...ha.]
Vegeta: (turns to judges) Hey! She's out of the ring! I win!
Matt: Oh, nonononononononono, Vegeta. You don't understand.
Goku: She's not out of the ring until SHE'S ALL THE FUCKING WAY out of the ring!
Mike: Besides, if YOU wanna tell her, be my guest.
Vegeta: Hey! (Jigglypuff becomes even larger still) You're out of... the... rin...g.
Bigglypuff: (stomps part of the crowd, including the now massively decayed and foul-smelling remains of Urawa Ryo, and waddles out of the ring)
Snorb: Houston... we have a problem.
Houston: We do?! Aw, damn it! (pulls a gun and shoots himself)
(SWAT helicopter, a few seconds later)
Pilot: Okay, we'll find that Pokecritter... let's just follow the trail of destruction.
Snorb: Umm... (points towards giant mutant Clefairy)
Pilot: Oh. ...Well, there it is.
Bigglypuff: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [Wheefun.] (stomps a building or two)
Mike: Okay, let's go, people!
(Serge, Snorb, and Matt whip out Super-Kill-O-Zap-Phaser-Photon-Nuke-Mako-Cannon-Blasters, while Tox pulls out a triple barreled Mako Cannon)
Serge, Snorb, Matt, and Tox: Click (set guns to full auto) clock (flick off safety catches) motherfucking CLACK (flick on Extreme Danger catches)
Mike: FIIIIIIIIAAAaAYYYYYYRRRRRR
(the entire city of iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii is obliterated by the massive explosions emanating from the firearms)
FUNimation Censor #3: Oh, look at that! Luckily, you destroyed an abandoned section of the city!
Snorb: Then what are all those charred corpses?
Matt: This place was more packed than New York City in Soylent Green!
FUNimation Censor: Then, the people abandoned it when they saw the giant Purin!
...
The Lunatics with the Directed-Energy Weapons: CLICK CLICK PULL
FUNimation Censor: FRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE (turns into a cloud of green smoke)
Singers: Weeee gave them the money,
They acted real funny,
They pulled out some lasers,
And they totalled my boss!
(meanwhile, on the ground patrol...!)
Vegeta: Hmm... I have an idea... this will involve more parodying of an obscure anti-Vietnam War song Snorb heard two years ago, tho...
Tox: I don't care -what- happens! Just so long as somebody wins!
Your Humble Narrator: (throbbing bass line starts playing) And, so, Vegeta ran into Ralph's (nobody has better prices than Ralph's) and he bought twelve gallons of Aunt Jemima's Maple Syrup. (bass line gets louder) From there, he rushed over to a nearby phone booth. AND HE SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! (bass line gets louder and speeds up) And then, he dropped his pants, and put that maple syrup all over the inside of his legs! Soon, the booth began to fill up... with FLIES! (Aah, help meee! Help meeee!) And, once that booth was filled to capacity with flies, he said...
Vegeta: (bass line stops, musical cue plays) Bigglypuff!
Your Humble Narrator: And the booth! And the FLIES! AND EVERYTHING... LIFTED OFF OF THE GROUND,
Matt: AND INTO THE SKKYYYYYYYYYYY!
(Jigglypuff gets so big she is now mountain-shaped. The phone booth lands near her mouth)
Matt: WAIT!!!!
(music stops playing)
Matt: Couldn't have Vegeta just flown up there instead of that horrific display of idiocy we have just witnessed?
(silence)
Tox: (Punches Matt)
Matt: Ouch! (Lands on floor) Hey! I'm not finished! Since when does Jigglypuff posses the power to inflate to epic proportions? And why didn't he use it before now?
(silence)
Matt: And another thi- wa? What the hell!? (a dark cloud appears over Matt, a large hand is emerging, holding a bolder) I mean... uh... (quickly) What I ment to say was that all of the events that have taken place so far are completely normal and no one should ever question them. (innocent smile)
(cloud disappears)
Vegeta: (steps out onto Jigglypuff's lower lip) Okay... Listen- ahem LISTEN, YOU YU-GI-OH! SON OF A BITCH. YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ASS DOWN THERE FOR YOUR FUCKING BATTLE, OR I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU ARE BEATEN BRUTALLY, SHOT AT, AND DISCOMBOBULATED! GET THE ahem Get the picture?
Tox: But, Jigglypuff just laughed!
Bigglypuff: HA. HA. HA.
Child Voice: JANEMBA!
Matt: What?
(a giant baby-alien-like thing appears from out of the shadows)
Matt: The shadows? How'd we miss that?
Serge: (shrugs)
Janemba: JANEMBA [he's mine]
Vegeta: Awwww shit. This just isn't my day.
Janemba: (throws Vegeta to the ground and proceeds to sit on him)
Vegeta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee............................... (weakly) Aw, fuck. (dies)
Janemba: Janemba [my work here is done] (explodes)
Jigglypuff: (blinks several times)
Snorb: And this goes to show you-
Aaaaaaaa mountain is something
You don't want to -fuck- with,
You don't want to fuck with,
Don't fuck around! (Don't fuck around!)
Don't fuck with Jiggy,
Don't fuck with Truh-unnnks,
You read what just happened,
To the guy with the flies! (No shit now!)
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
Don't fuck around!
With Snnnnnooooo-uhhhhhooooooor-rrrrrrrrrbuh!
Mike: Beautiful, man, just beautiful.
Snorb: Thanks.
Matt: So, let's go home.
Goku: You win, Jig-girl!
Bigglypuff: (deflates to Jigglypuff-size) Jiggly! [Yay.]
Announcer (Serge's mom): Ok! Since I really didn't get to do much of anything in this chapter... here are the standings!
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WINNERS ELIMINATION
Vegeta
Cloud / Vegeta
Kirby Vegeta
Sailor Mars / Kirby /
Trunks TRUNKS
Jigglypuff / Trunks /
Clefairy Trunks /
Sailor Mercury / Sailor Mercury /
LOSERS ELIMINATION
Link
Cloud
Cloud / Dummy
Rei / Jig.
Jigglypuff / Jig.
Clef. / Jig.
Ami / Jig.
Kirby / JIGGLYPUFF
Vegeta /
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Marge: And that's that. Who will win the final round? Will it be the lone saiyan warrior, Trunks!? Or the pusillanimous pipsqueak, Jigglypuff!? Tune in next time same bat time, same bat channel, for the final chapter of... THE ANIME BATTLE ROYAL!!