Hey! Here we are in the second chappie already! Hope ya brought your poo power!
RUN AWAY RUN FAR FAR AWAY
(Harry lands)
Harry: OH NO! I have run away from my home! I have exploded dear Aunty Moo! NOW what will I do?! (Harry does a little jig at his clever rhyming.)
Harry: I am SUCH a clever little boy
(Harry looks to his left and his right)
WoOf! (Suddenly a huge black visage of monsterous dog appears from behind a bush, lunges and begins to ride Harry's leg)
Harry: Tears trickling down his face AAAaaAAaAAaAaRGH! Stop that! G-go away! NO!! BAD DOGGIE, BAD!!!
(As the dog finishes his business, Harry's body is suddenly propelled hundreds of miles through the cold night air)
Harry: Wow! This must take me all the way to Hog's Bleed! I COULD fancy a good fly!
Harry: WHOA! My shrunken jubblies are getting a bit of a chill!!
(Harry attempts to shield the wind from his chilly jubblies and warms himself at the same time)
(Being the middle of the night the only spectators to witness this pitiful sight were the paranoid muggle crackheads and prostitutes of Great Britain, which actually boosted sales in both industries. Some junkies saw the little boy flying through the air groping himself and thought to get a good lay in, while others insisted they were given bad drugs and went to find some more.)
(Harry flies for some time. So much time, in fact, that when he gained ground he had managed to construct an item of apparel that resembled a gooey jock strap worn on the outside)
(Many passersby and students looked at his new creation enviously)
Harry: 'S amazin what one can do wit' a bit o' cloth an' jelly! Look! Shoves pelvis forward
(OoOoOooh! AaAaAaAah!)
Fudger: Harry Potter! You are alive!
(Harry drops his crotch warmer in shock and amazement as Fudger, the Minister of Magic, makes his way towards him)
ShlooopT!
(Before Harry knows it, Fudger had grabbed his crotch warmer off the ground and slipped it under his robes.)
Harry: But sir, I must SURELY get the copyrights to my new invention!
Fudger: Nonsense! I for one will make sure you are err... 'Rewarded' greatly for your contribution to society!
Harry: Come again?
(Harry looks over and notices Fudger is stretching out Harry's warmer and working it onto his own midriff)
Fudger: Not one scrote will ever go cold again!
Harry: Er... alrighty then!
(Harry is now shown to his posh hotel suit overlooking all of Hog's Bleed)
Fudger: Alright then Harry? Your friends are downstairs having heard of your murderous run from the law they knew to find you here!
Harry: My friends are HERE?! Harrys voice cracks in a most obnoxious fashion
(Harry grabs at throat having injured his sweet girly voice box, his eyes water and his legs tremble)
Harry: Whisper Tea... good kind man... I need... tea
Fudger: For you Harry, anything!
(Fudger magic's some levitating steaming tea right before Harrys runny pink eyes, Harry takes a sip and burns his lips on the hot liquid)
(Harry gulps the boiling hot tea)
Harry: Whhhhaaa??
Fudge: Huuuuuuuh?
(Ron and Hermione burst into Harry's room to find a tear stained Harry with what appears to be huge blisters covering his entire tongue)
Hermione: Great Moldy Lollipops Harry! I simply cannot leave you alone for two seconds wit' out SOMETHIN ending up in your mouth that shouldn't be there!
Hermione: YoburnsgetoffthetongueOleeo! VoicegetbackintheboxOROso!
Harry: Gee thanks!
(Harry looks up from the floor to notice both Ron and Hermione sporting fresh made jelly sack warmers, Hermione's being perfectly made, and Ron's predictably poor and shotty, having been hastily crocheted by his mother who used old cigarette butts and strawberry jam.)
(Ron immediately does his best MJ imitation as he jiggles his new crotchwarmer across the room)
Ron: Remind you of the old days with the Snail Shells, Harry?
(Harry winks. Suddenly a great screech is heard followed by a change in air pressure as the fattest cat in Magical Land rolls through the door and lands on Hermione's foot, causing every bone to be broken)
CraaaaaaacKLe, CrunCH
Hermione: AAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Harry immediately takes action by feeling sorry for Hermione)
(The obese cat passes out in the corner of the room tail held high in the air)
Ron: I'm WARNING you Hermione! If you cant keep that BLOODY fat awse away from Scabbers-
Hermione: 'Crisco' is a cat! NOT a BLOODY FAT AWSE!
Ron: Oh yeah? Have a look! –points-
(Both Hermione and Harry are horrified at the sight before them, with his rear facing the trio and tail held high in the air for some reason, apparently Crisco was having some digestive problems)
Harry: -Retch- Look! He trailed it all the way in!
(Hermione is mortified to see her favorite pair of strappy sandals now decorated in many shades of mucus-like red and brown)
(Ron claps Harry on the shoulder)
Ron: Feels wonderful to be with you again mate!
Harry: Also draping his arm across Rons shoulder Ready for another year of ADVENTURE BUDDY?!?
(The two boys engage in a chain of grunts, hand jives and facial expressions as they leave Hermione alone to deal with her cat and her cat's digestive problems)
SOME TIME LATER...
(Happy scene in a crowded bar with everyone grouped around a table, Ron's showing off a paper)
Harry: The playboy mansion?? You lucky summat!
Ron: Yeah I know, quite lucky Dad was able to actually win at the dog track this time instead of him blowing all our Christmas funds... and birthday money...oh, and well college tuition o'course.
(Harry looks at the detailed photo of all the Weasleys waving happily in a hot tub with many half clad women and some sizable men as well)
Hermione: -letting Crisco sprawl across her lap and onto the table wearing his kitty maxi pad for the leakage- you know some people used to worship cats!
Mr. Weasley: Harry my boy could I have a teensy weensy word with you? Err- alone?
Harry: rolls eyes Cant this wait? You know, I am kind of BUSY here eyes the Fabio look-alike in the picture
Mr. Weasley: I'm afraid it can't, you see we need to introduce 'Serious Lee Darkskidmark' the murderous convict who has escaped only to kidnap, torture, beat and boil you alive in his stew!!!
Harry: Oh. That. –Looks back at his Fabio picture- What's new?
HOGSBLEED EXPRESS
Ron: So let me get this straight...You were lying on the floor, and then your Aunt stepped inside your butt hole, so you blew her up? BRILLLYUNT!
(Harry blushes. The memory of that kind of penetration causes him to tense up.)
Hermione: Ron, it's not funny. Harry could have been expelled! Then we would be out of a job. Come on, everywhere else is full.
(They enter a compartment containing some squeaky dog toys and a man with a set of large mutton chops)
Harry: Who do you 'spose he is?
Hermione: Professor Snarl Face
Ron: YOU KNOW EVERYTHANG! Reeeeeeally now how can she know everythang??
Hermione: Its on his dog collar Ronald
Ron: oh...
(Sometime later after Ron and Harry tire of playing pirates and searching for 'buried treasure' in Crisco's litter box)
(Harry peers over at Professor Snarl Face)
Harry: Do you think he's asleep?
Ron: I spose so, I think he's dreaming though, look at the way he's moving his hands and feet like he's running! That's so cute!
(Harry gets their attention by waving his shirt in the air and letting his voice steadily rise with each word, face contorting as if each syllable is causing the most excruciating pain)
Harry: I've-got-something-to-TELL-YOU-GUYS!!!
(Harry attempts to shut compartment door, a loud snap is heard and Harry falls back to the floor sobbing and stroking his freakishly small and hairless arm)
(Hermione kicks him out of the way muttering something about the 'star of the show' and slides the door close with ease)
(Harry tells the pair all his deepest most darkest feelings)
Ron: So Serious Lee Darkskidmark has escaped and he's now after you? DUDE! That blows!
(Harry whimpers in agreement as he is lost in one of Crisco's fat rolls smelling heavily of cat puke and old infection)
Harry: Why? Why must they hurts us? Poor pooooor Harry...
BOOOOOOOM!
(Train stops)
Harry: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Hermione: WHHOOOOAAA!!
Ron: (In his best Cpt Kirk) I... I think we've stopped, yes... THERE'S... someone coming aboard the train... some THING!
(Harry does a sideways glace toward Ron with the hint of a smile playing on his dry, cracked and chipping little baby lips)
Harry: Hey mate! Did you just do a sweet William Shatner impersonation?!
Ron: That I did dude, that I did –nods-
Harry: That totally rocked!!
(Harry stands up, attempts to do an enthusiastic air guitar only to re- injure his wrists, forearms, shoulders, fingers and elbows)
Hermione: Who's coming aboard?? AYYYEEEEEEEE!!!
(The room suddenly goes black and a luminous creature suspended in midair floats into the compartment)
(Harrys vision goes black)
Some distant woman screams: NO NOT ON HARRY I BEG YOU! I'LL WEAR IT INSTEAD! AYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Yes now it is time to review! Ten Points to who ever can spot the Little Nicky reference in the first chapter and a bonus point for finding the Ace Ventura reference in this chapter!
RUN AWAY RUN FAR FAR AWAY
(Harry lands)
Harry: OH NO! I have run away from my home! I have exploded dear Aunty Moo! NOW what will I do?! (Harry does a little jig at his clever rhyming.)
Harry: I am SUCH a clever little boy
(Harry looks to his left and his right)
WoOf! (Suddenly a huge black visage of monsterous dog appears from behind a bush, lunges and begins to ride Harry's leg)
Harry: Tears trickling down his face AAAaaAAaAAaAaRGH! Stop that! G-go away! NO!! BAD DOGGIE, BAD!!!
(As the dog finishes his business, Harry's body is suddenly propelled hundreds of miles through the cold night air)
Harry: Wow! This must take me all the way to Hog's Bleed! I COULD fancy a good fly!
Harry: WHOA! My shrunken jubblies are getting a bit of a chill!!
(Harry attempts to shield the wind from his chilly jubblies and warms himself at the same time)
(Being the middle of the night the only spectators to witness this pitiful sight were the paranoid muggle crackheads and prostitutes of Great Britain, which actually boosted sales in both industries. Some junkies saw the little boy flying through the air groping himself and thought to get a good lay in, while others insisted they were given bad drugs and went to find some more.)
(Harry flies for some time. So much time, in fact, that when he gained ground he had managed to construct an item of apparel that resembled a gooey jock strap worn on the outside)
(Many passersby and students looked at his new creation enviously)
Harry: 'S amazin what one can do wit' a bit o' cloth an' jelly! Look! Shoves pelvis forward
(OoOoOooh! AaAaAaAah!)
Fudger: Harry Potter! You are alive!
(Harry drops his crotch warmer in shock and amazement as Fudger, the Minister of Magic, makes his way towards him)
ShlooopT!
(Before Harry knows it, Fudger had grabbed his crotch warmer off the ground and slipped it under his robes.)
Harry: But sir, I must SURELY get the copyrights to my new invention!
Fudger: Nonsense! I for one will make sure you are err... 'Rewarded' greatly for your contribution to society!
Harry: Come again?
(Harry looks over and notices Fudger is stretching out Harry's warmer and working it onto his own midriff)
Fudger: Not one scrote will ever go cold again!
Harry: Er... alrighty then!
(Harry is now shown to his posh hotel suit overlooking all of Hog's Bleed)
Fudger: Alright then Harry? Your friends are downstairs having heard of your murderous run from the law they knew to find you here!
Harry: My friends are HERE?! Harrys voice cracks in a most obnoxious fashion
(Harry grabs at throat having injured his sweet girly voice box, his eyes water and his legs tremble)
Harry: Whisper Tea... good kind man... I need... tea
Fudger: For you Harry, anything!
(Fudger magic's some levitating steaming tea right before Harrys runny pink eyes, Harry takes a sip and burns his lips on the hot liquid)
(Harry gulps the boiling hot tea)
Harry: Whhhhaaa??
Fudge: Huuuuuuuh?
(Ron and Hermione burst into Harry's room to find a tear stained Harry with what appears to be huge blisters covering his entire tongue)
Hermione: Great Moldy Lollipops Harry! I simply cannot leave you alone for two seconds wit' out SOMETHIN ending up in your mouth that shouldn't be there!
Hermione: YoburnsgetoffthetongueOleeo! VoicegetbackintheboxOROso!
Harry: Gee thanks!
(Harry looks up from the floor to notice both Ron and Hermione sporting fresh made jelly sack warmers, Hermione's being perfectly made, and Ron's predictably poor and shotty, having been hastily crocheted by his mother who used old cigarette butts and strawberry jam.)
(Ron immediately does his best MJ imitation as he jiggles his new crotchwarmer across the room)
Ron: Remind you of the old days with the Snail Shells, Harry?
(Harry winks. Suddenly a great screech is heard followed by a change in air pressure as the fattest cat in Magical Land rolls through the door and lands on Hermione's foot, causing every bone to be broken)
CraaaaaaacKLe, CrunCH
Hermione: AAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Harry immediately takes action by feeling sorry for Hermione)
(The obese cat passes out in the corner of the room tail held high in the air)
Ron: I'm WARNING you Hermione! If you cant keep that BLOODY fat awse away from Scabbers-
Hermione: 'Crisco' is a cat! NOT a BLOODY FAT AWSE!
Ron: Oh yeah? Have a look! –points-
(Both Hermione and Harry are horrified at the sight before them, with his rear facing the trio and tail held high in the air for some reason, apparently Crisco was having some digestive problems)
Harry: -Retch- Look! He trailed it all the way in!
(Hermione is mortified to see her favorite pair of strappy sandals now decorated in many shades of mucus-like red and brown)
(Ron claps Harry on the shoulder)
Ron: Feels wonderful to be with you again mate!
Harry: Also draping his arm across Rons shoulder Ready for another year of ADVENTURE BUDDY?!?
(The two boys engage in a chain of grunts, hand jives and facial expressions as they leave Hermione alone to deal with her cat and her cat's digestive problems)
SOME TIME LATER...
(Happy scene in a crowded bar with everyone grouped around a table, Ron's showing off a paper)
Harry: The playboy mansion?? You lucky summat!
Ron: Yeah I know, quite lucky Dad was able to actually win at the dog track this time instead of him blowing all our Christmas funds... and birthday money...oh, and well college tuition o'course.
(Harry looks at the detailed photo of all the Weasleys waving happily in a hot tub with many half clad women and some sizable men as well)
Hermione: -letting Crisco sprawl across her lap and onto the table wearing his kitty maxi pad for the leakage- you know some people used to worship cats!
Mr. Weasley: Harry my boy could I have a teensy weensy word with you? Err- alone?
Harry: rolls eyes Cant this wait? You know, I am kind of BUSY here eyes the Fabio look-alike in the picture
Mr. Weasley: I'm afraid it can't, you see we need to introduce 'Serious Lee Darkskidmark' the murderous convict who has escaped only to kidnap, torture, beat and boil you alive in his stew!!!
Harry: Oh. That. –Looks back at his Fabio picture- What's new?
HOGSBLEED EXPRESS
Ron: So let me get this straight...You were lying on the floor, and then your Aunt stepped inside your butt hole, so you blew her up? BRILLLYUNT!
(Harry blushes. The memory of that kind of penetration causes him to tense up.)
Hermione: Ron, it's not funny. Harry could have been expelled! Then we would be out of a job. Come on, everywhere else is full.
(They enter a compartment containing some squeaky dog toys and a man with a set of large mutton chops)
Harry: Who do you 'spose he is?
Hermione: Professor Snarl Face
Ron: YOU KNOW EVERYTHANG! Reeeeeeally now how can she know everythang??
Hermione: Its on his dog collar Ronald
Ron: oh...
(Sometime later after Ron and Harry tire of playing pirates and searching for 'buried treasure' in Crisco's litter box)
(Harry peers over at Professor Snarl Face)
Harry: Do you think he's asleep?
Ron: I spose so, I think he's dreaming though, look at the way he's moving his hands and feet like he's running! That's so cute!
(Harry gets their attention by waving his shirt in the air and letting his voice steadily rise with each word, face contorting as if each syllable is causing the most excruciating pain)
Harry: I've-got-something-to-TELL-YOU-GUYS!!!
(Harry attempts to shut compartment door, a loud snap is heard and Harry falls back to the floor sobbing and stroking his freakishly small and hairless arm)
(Hermione kicks him out of the way muttering something about the 'star of the show' and slides the door close with ease)
(Harry tells the pair all his deepest most darkest feelings)
Ron: So Serious Lee Darkskidmark has escaped and he's now after you? DUDE! That blows!
(Harry whimpers in agreement as he is lost in one of Crisco's fat rolls smelling heavily of cat puke and old infection)
Harry: Why? Why must they hurts us? Poor pooooor Harry...
BOOOOOOOM!
(Train stops)
Harry: AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Hermione: WHHOOOOAAA!!
Ron: (In his best Cpt Kirk) I... I think we've stopped, yes... THERE'S... someone coming aboard the train... some THING!
(Harry does a sideways glace toward Ron with the hint of a smile playing on his dry, cracked and chipping little baby lips)
Harry: Hey mate! Did you just do a sweet William Shatner impersonation?!
Ron: That I did dude, that I did –nods-
Harry: That totally rocked!!
(Harry stands up, attempts to do an enthusiastic air guitar only to re- injure his wrists, forearms, shoulders, fingers and elbows)
Hermione: Who's coming aboard?? AYYYEEEEEEEE!!!
(The room suddenly goes black and a luminous creature suspended in midair floats into the compartment)
(Harrys vision goes black)
Some distant woman screams: NO NOT ON HARRY I BEG YOU! I'LL WEAR IT INSTEAD! AYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Yes now it is time to review! Ten Points to who ever can spot the Little Nicky reference in the first chapter and a bonus point for finding the Ace Ventura reference in this chapter!