A/N Ah. no point to this really! i got no reviews for the first one... but i figure why the hell not. Enjoy.
Harry Potter and the Attack of the Fans II
(Open: three teenage girls are sitting in a living room. Two of them are talking, and the other is scowling while her nose is buried in 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.')
DEVA:
(Finishes book for the umpteenth time) God damn. This book really sucks.
CIERRA:
Then why do you keep on reading it over and over again?
DEVA:
What a stupid question...
CIERRA:
Right.
DEVA: So, (puts book down) we've captured Harry, I'm compensating for my pains while reading 'Order of the Phoenix' by locking him in a closet, and we're
on the run from the police. Any ideas?
AMANDA:
Yeah I have one.
CIERRA:
What is it?
AMANDA:
We can make margaritas.
DEVA:
Yes. Amanda, my little genius.
(You people make me sick.)
DEVA:
What the- (spins around in chair) Who the bloody nager was that?
(I'm the invisible, yet strikingly good-looking, narrator)
AMANDA:
(is confused)
DEVA:
How can you be invisible yet strikingly good looking?
(I just can, alright? Don't ask stupid questions.)
DEVA:
Someone's a little uptight......
(Uptight?)
DEVA:
Damn Straight. I couldn't drag a needle out of your ass with a tractor.
(What's that supposed to mean?)
HARRY:
(Muffled because he's in the closet.) Hello? Anyone there?
(Everyone turns and looks at the closet)
DEVA:
Ugh he's awake again. Amanda, go hit him with another rock.
(CIERRA Suddenly looks excited)
CIERRA:
Let's let him out!
DEVA:
WHAT!?
CIERRA:
I'm serious! We've had him in the closet for three days.
AMANDA:
...And we never gave him clothes.
DEVA:
(Ponders) Okay, okay... so we put him on a leash and give him a t-shirt.
CIERRA:
What is with you and hating Harry?
DEVA: Cierra, did you not read the 5th book? Harry's a stupid jerk off. I hope
Voldemort kills him and Hermione and Ron get their own books.
CIERRA:
That's cruel.
DEVA:
Yeah, well, he's a scrawny little bitch.
AMANDA:
Enough! Let's just let him out.
(They all walk to the door.) (DEVA opens it. HARRY is standing there in
nothing but a big pink ski jacket. He looks tired and hungry.)
AMANDA:
(Faints)
CIERRA:
oy.
DEVA:
(Glares at HARRY) okay so we have you held captive. Now we're gonna let
you eat and give you some clothes.
(HARRY cries with happiness)
DEVA:
Cierra, what do we have to eat?
CIERRA:
I think we have some lucky charms in the pantry.
DEVA: Alright, but pick out all the marshmallows first, cos I want to eat those.
(CIERRA leaves. And Deva, don't you think eating all those marshmallows
will make you fatter than you already are?)
DEVA:
Bite me.
HARRY: (Interrupting) I agreed to come with you guys now why are you torturing me?
DEVA:
Sorry we just thought it would be funnier...
(Funnier but crueler)
DEVA:
You have no sense of humor, Narrator.
(Bitch.)
DEVA:
Needle-Butt.
HARRY:
(Leans over to AMANDA, who has suddenly woken up) Who is she talking to?
AMANDA: It's the strikingly good looking narrator. But we don't know for sure, cos
we can't see him.
HARRY:
Right...
DEVA: Hey narrator, do you have a name? Besides humorless uncle fucker, I mean.
(No, I don't.)
(CIERRA returns)
CIERRA:
So can I name you?
(Well I suppose... you don't seem to be giving off any violent or homicidal
vibes)
(CIERRA smiles)
CIERRA:
Kay... so your new name is... Lemmerson.
(Lemmerson?)
DEVA:
Oh! Like the giant crayon Lili's brother won her in Boston?
(Who's Lili?)
CIERRA:
Yeah! And then we made that movie at her house in the loft...
(What loft?)
DEVA:
Will you shut up? We're reminiscing.
(So I'm named after a stuffed crayon.)
HARRY:
(Quietly) Um, Can I have some clothes now?
AMANDA:
Ooh! I'll help him get dressed...
HARRY:
(looks at AMANDA) Weellll... I suppose I could let you come help me...
DEVA:
WHAT!? (Turns to AMANDA) YOU SLUT! (Smacks AMANDA)
AMANDA:
Hey! What was that for!?
DEVA:
I was supposed to get Harry!
AMANDA:
But you don't even like Harry!
DEVA: (Still sobbing) But--he's–really–hot! (Stops. Fixes Eyeliner.) Nevermind, you can have him, Amanda. (Grabs Jacket from HARRY and runs out the door.)
HARRY:
HEY!
AMANDA:
Oh. My. God. (Hyperventilates)
CIERRA:
Wow... well we've learned something new today.
AMANDA:
Whats that?
CIERRA
That Deva's stupidity has a purpose.
AMANDA:
Amen.
CIERRA:
But, Uh, where is she going?
(Nobody knows....)
CIERRA:
I'm sure she knows....
( Nobody else knows! ...Well, actually, being the narrator and all, I know
the entire plot line...)
DEVA IN REAL LIFE:
(Sitting at computer) Hey! How can you know the plot line!? Even I don't know the plot line... and a note to Cierra... hurry up and think of an insult
before the narrator gives me an ulcer.
CIERRA: Oh... umm... okay I got one... Hey bub! If you were tangible I would kick you
little cat puke green ass...ha! That was a good one!
(Wait, cat puke green? Is that a color?)
CIERRA:
Yup, that's the color that the ORIGINAL Lemmerson was...
(Oh. Okay. Well anyways, as I was about to say, Deva went to go get the guy
she's really been admiring from a distance...)
ALL:
RON!