KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS
OK, FIRST CHAPPIE! I know the prolog was unnaturally boring and didn't reveal anything, but what can you do? Heh. No flames, please! I'm gonna say this again, just like with SHinobis or Babysitters, I DON'T hate Kankurou! Are we all clear on that? (looks around and makes sure everyone is nodding) Again, please R&R!
Chapter One: Criminal Masterminds
"Do you realize there is NOTHING to do around here?" Naruto asked, sprawled on the floor in front of the TV.
Temari looked over her shoulder from where she was ordering take-out. "SO, entertain yourself."
Naruto sighed heavily and continued watching TV. Gaara sat behind him on the sofa.
"Hey, Naruto," Gaara said softly. "I know a way we can entertain ourselves."
"How?" Naruto asked, sitting up.
"Well," Gaara said, sliding down to sit next to Naruto, "Kankurou has been on a diet lately, since some girl called him fat. Temari thinks his diet is dangerous. What if," Gaara had an evil gleam in his pale green eyes, speaking in a hushed tone so Temari couldn't hear, "Kankurou's clothes were to suddenly be really baggy on him?"
Naruto paused, thinking. Then he grinned. "I think we need to do some shopping."
The next day
"Hey, Temari," Kankurou said, coming out of his room for breakfast. "Don't these look a little baggy to you?" He pulled at the sides of his black jump suit to show his meaning.
Temari turned to look. "Kankurou, I told you that diet was dangerous!" she cried. "Come over here, let's weigh you!"
Gaara and Naruto looked at each other, grinning. Gaara looked back at the scale on which Kankurou was standing.
"Look, see, Temari, I weigh the same as before!"
"No, you don't, look!" Temari pointed down at the scale (it was one of those old kinds with the red line which shows your weight) "You lost 69 pounds!"
"Whoa!" Kankurou stared at the scale, as well. Unbeknownst to them, a small, insignificant blob of sand was underneath the dial, making it say 105 instead of Kankurou's real weight. "I don't know what happened, Temari!"
"Maybe it's unhealthy for you to weigh that much, Kankurou," Naruto said helpfully, over his cereal.
"Yeah." Kankurou jumped into his chair, and got out his spoon and fork. "Lay it on me, Temari!"
As Temari piled his plate with food, she frowned, looking at his face. "You know, I don't see any difference, really."
"Come on, Temari," Naruto cried, "can't you see the wasted look? The hallowed cheeks?"
"The blood-shot eyes?" Gaara added. It was true; Kankurou's eyes were blood shot (curtsey of a certain sand granule in his eye).
"I'll take that," Kankurou said, snatching up Naruto's rice, as it seemed he wasn't going to eat it. (Of course, seeing Kankurou eat food like a vacuum cleaner would put anyone out of their appetite.)
"Don't worry," Naruto muttered, turning a slight shade of green," I'm not hungry, anyway."
"Yeah, take mine, too," Gaara said, shoving his entire breakfast across the table to Kankurou, whose cheeks were currently being stuffed to the fullest extent.
"Kankurou, if you don't leave some room in your mouth, how are your teeth gonna move up and down?" Temari asked.
"Oh, yah," Kankurou said, through a mouth of rice.
"Yeah, I mean—EW, KANKUROU, THAT'S GROSS!"
TWHACK!
"What?" Kankurou looked at the pile of half-chewed rice on his plate. "You said I should make room for—"
"NOT LIKE THAT! THERE'S A LITTLE THING CALLED DIGESTION!"
"Whazzat?" Kankurou asked, his mouth already restuffed.
"Um, we'll just get something while we're out," Naruto said, still looking sort of sick, as he and Gaara stood up and headed for the door. (Of course, Temari's agitated looks had something to do with their running away.)
"Mmm! Mmm-m-mmm-mm mm!" Kankurou said, trying to talk through his rice.
"Fine, we'll get you some squid," Gaara said, looking as if he were going to throw up whatever he had eaten.
Naruto gave him a weird look as they closed the door and headed down the hall.
"Don't ask, ok, just don't!"
"Well, I'll tell you one thing; if your cheeks were hallow this morning, they sure aren't now," Temari said as Kankurou sat back, finally, after lunch, and patted his stomach.
"Yep. I'm gonna gain back that weight even if it kills me," Kankurou said, even though his mouth was thoroughly exhausted from moving up and down for two hours, chewing non-stop.
"Oh, don't worry," Gaara said from the sofa where he and Naruto had their lunches (they'd gotten ramen, which, surprisingly, Kankurou refused to eat. They owed it to the fact that Naruto's fungus/bacteria had festered from ramen noodles. Thank god.). "I heard pigs can eat up to eight times a day, and still not explode. Maybe that'll work for you."
"Yeah, I mean, you got the ears down," Naruto said, slurping up his noodles.
Kankurou scowled at them. He got out a piece of paper and a marker, and wrote, in rather large, messy letters, "I HATE YOU!" on the paper and showed it to them.
"Dear god, our lives are complete," Naruto said in a very serious voice, before going back to his ramen.
Later
"Do you think he knows?" Gaara asked, once they were in his room; Kankurou had somehow managed to go to bed, and Temari was washing dishes, a chore that had grown to take half the day with Kankurou's new "diet."
"Nope. Those suits are exactly identical to his. Besides, the only ones he has, I got at the 'Make Your Sumo Wrestler Happy' store." The two demon vessels exchanged looks.
"So, where're his clothes?"
"Oh, they're in your closet. No one goes in there, anyway."
"I go in there!"
"Yeah, well." Naruto grinned. "They don't!"
"How long is it gonna be before he gets fat again?" Gaara asked, going to his closet just to make sure.
"I'd say, tomorrow, we switch his suits with the ones we got from 'Bean Poles, Inc.'" Naruto grinned. "After all, who needs that extra weight?"
Gaara turned and looked at Naruto. "You have a dark gift."
"I know, but only on days ending with Y."
(A/N: Ok, well, another chapter done! They're all kind of short, but oh well. Next chapter: 'Bean Poles Inc.: Kankurou's Gym Experience!'