KANKUROU'S GROWTH SPURTS
Chapter Three: Grasshoppers
Hmm...not alotta reviews on the last one. Oh well. I SHALL CONTINUE, THAT I SHALL!! I promise things will heat up, No pairings, no yaoi, no nuthin. Just comedy, you sickos. Snicker. Btw, y'all can't read without leaving a review, otehrwise I will not continue. I await at least six reviews on this chappie before I post the other. Beware. I may never continue, thus leaving you all in suspense! I love you all!
Oh yeah...Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but if I did, Sasuke wouldn't be a jerk, Gaara would have a normal childhood, and Kazekage would be DEAD, I TELL YOU, DEAD! And Yashamaru, for that matter.
Reminders: I don't hate Kankurou; I happen to be very fond of him (not like that, I just think he's more social then the otehr two) and I am aware that Gaara will be very OOC.
Temari glanced over he shoulder at the table. Gaara and Naruto were snickering to themselves, bent over their food, while Kankurou ate his own food. From the back, he looked a lot thinner then she remembered, which was saying something, since Kankurou had always been fat. Really fat.
"What's so funny?" Kankurou asked, frowning at the two younger ninjas.
"Nothing!" Gaara said at once, stuffing his face with rice.
"Yep, nothing whatsoever." Naruto mimicked the action. Kankurou raised a painted eyebrow.
"Out of curiosity, why do you keep putting that paint on?" Temari asked, sitting down as well.
"Because I need it."
"Since when?" Temari raised an eyebrow.
"Since I decided I did."
"You look fine without it, you don't have to keep putting it on."
Pause.
"Say what?" Kankurou's head shot up.
"Yeah, yesterday, you were so out of it, you forgot your paint," Naruto said, grinning hugely. "You also forgot to fasten your hood."
"Say WHAT, now?!" Kankurou's jaw dropped. "You saw my face?!"
"Yep," all three said.
"And your hair," Naruto added.
Poor, abused Kankurou's expression went from "oh my god, no!" to "OH MY GOD PLEASE KILL ME!" in a matter of negative two point five seconds.
"But, on the bright side, you lost a lot of weight!" Temari said brightly, pouring herself some juice.
"Sure." Kankurou repeatedly banged his head on the table.
"You want to go for a jog?" Temari asked, her eyes following him as he continued banging his head.
"Fine. Sounds great." Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Poor Kankurou had no idea what he was agreeing to. Thud. Thud.
"OK! Let's go!" Temari grabbed his arm and dragged him away.
Gaara and Naruto looked at each other. "Well, at least they're healthy," Naruto said, shrugging.
"You mean physically, right? Because no one in my family is mentally healthy."
In the streets
"I feel so violated..." Kankurou moaned, jogging slowly behind Temari.
"Come on, it's not that bad."
"It's my FACE! And my HAIR!"
"So?"
Kankurou starred at her.
"IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU?!"
"Do you really want me to answer that question?"
...
"No."
Later, at the apartment
The three boys (Gaara, Naruto and Kankurou) and Temari sat around the living room, watching TV. Mostly, there were reports of an unnatural fungus/bacteria, which had spread through a certain apartment complex on the other side of town.
"Hey, that looks like my house!" Naruto cried, scooting up so he could see better. "Hello, house!"
Reporter: This just in: Health Inspectors have asked that no one come within a mile's radius of said apartment building for another two weeks. The reason said to be the fact that several assistant agents have left the house bearing several unnatural diseases such as pink and purple boils, and loss of liking for Ramen.
Naruto tsk'ed. "Poor inspectors. They have no idea what they're missing."
"So, you're going to be here for another two weeks?" Temari asked.
"Jeez, why don't you just move in?" Kankurou muttered.
"Really?!" Naruto cried, stars in his eyes.
"No—I didn't—Oh, crap," Kankurou ended lamely as Naruto bounced around, doing what they could only hope was a dance of joy. It was really disturbing, actually.
Later, In Gaara's room
"This is getting boring," Gaara said after a few minutes of discussing their plans for Kankurou's weight in the future. "All we'd be doing is repeating ourselves. They're not completely stupid. They'll figure it out sooner or later."
"I know, but I'm running out of ideas," Naruto said defensively, still a little miffed that Kankurou and Temari had refused that he live with them.
"Ok, fine. Shut up." Gaara crossed his arms, thinking. Naruto watched him, an eyebrow raised, confused. After about five minutes, Gaara said, with a smirk, "Starting tomorrow, he gets taller."
Naruto starred at him, then grinned. He put his hands together and bowed. "You have learned well, grasshopper."
Gaara raised an eyebrow. "What did you just call me?"
The next day
"TEMARI!"
Temari banged her head on the table repeatedly. "Why me...? Why me...?"
"TEMARI!"
"You better go," Naruto said from the sofa where he and Gaara were eating their breakfasts. "He sounds like he's dying."
"TEMARI!"
"I swear, I had nothing to do with said dying," Gaara said as Temari gave them both death-glares.
"TEMARI!"
"I'm coming," she groaned, dragging herself down the hall.
"TEM—"
"I'M COMING!" they heard her roar. Behind the roar, they heard the distinct sound of an overly large fan destroying several innocent household items on the way down the hall.
Gaara turned the TV volume on mute, and they both strained their ears to listen to what was going on down the hall.
"...I seriously don't get it!" they heard Kankurou plead. They could almost feel Temari's glare of utmost hatred. "It doesn't make any sense!"
"Why are you always so late in everything?!" they heard Temari snap. "You were late being born, you were always late to school, you were late mastering Justus; the only thing you're NOT late to is a meal!"
"Would you like me to be late dying, then?" Kankurou asked, his voice dripping sarcasms. "Then everything would be in order."
"Heaven forbid I disrupt your life's cycle!"
"Hey, Gaara!" Kankurou called. "Sorry, but you'll have to wait a bit longer before you murder me in unusual ways."
Gaara and Naruto exchanged looks. "I swear, once they hit a certain age, they get psychic," Gaara said, looking thoroughly annoyed. They turned when both older ninjas stomped into the room. The two younger ninja's eyes immediately flicked to Kankurou's ankles and wrists, where several extra inches of skin were showing. They, now experts at not showing amusement (actually, Gaara was always an expert; he had to teach Naruto, using several painful maneuvers which usually included band aids) turned their faces into masks. Naruto said, quite curiously, "What's up?"
"Baka here's going through puberty again," Temari snapped.
"No, I'm not!" Kankurou snapped. "Just because I got taller doesn't mean I'm going through puberty again!"
"Actually, Temari," Gaara said suddenly, "Yashamaru said that boys go through about ten years of puberty, or something like that."
"They do?" Temari and Naruto said together.
"Yeah, I heard that, too." Kankurou nodded. "Dad told me a couple years ago."
"How is it I didn't know?" Temari asked icily.
"Um, 'cuz you're a girl," Kankurou said through a laugh. "You must have gotten the 'other' talk."
There was an uncomfortable silence which several crickets thought their duty to destroy.
"Right. But that still doesn't explain how you could grow five inches over night," Temari said, by way of breaking the silence. "It doesn't make sense."
"Sure it does," Naruto said, grinning.
Temari raised her eyebrow. "It does?" Kankurou asked, after a few minutes.
"Well, yeah, I mean, you haven't been doing any growing for a while, so I guess it was just building up over time, and then just started rushing out all at once," Naruto said, a helpful diagram appearing behind him.
The Sand-nins exchanged looks; what worried them was that Naruto obviously believed every word he said.
"Naruto," Temari said, in a slight worried tone, "what were your grades in Ninja Biology during school?"
"34 percent." Naruto put a hand behind his head and grinned. "But I think I turned out ok."
"Oh—Oh, yeah, of course," the three Sand-nins said together, nodding.
(A/N: Muhahahaha another chappie finished! Oh, yes, I received a flamer about the prolog, so I thought I'd clarify something about the Health Inspectors. They really weren't bugs; they were humans with gas-masks on, and Naruto, in his childishness, thought they were. Just thought I'd clear that up for anyone who thought I was being dumb. I thought Kankurou could lose a little weight, since everyone says he was fat, I think it'll be a confidence booster for him; maybe he'll even get rid of the face make up!)