The Secret of Dolores Umbridge
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, blahblahblah. This was written on June 23, 2004.
"STUPEFY!" yelled Harry Potter, unable to keep his anger in check any longer. The spell shot powerfully from his wand straight into Dolores Umbridge, who immediately dropped to the floor with a rather loud thud and a shocked expression on her face.
"Nice shot, Harry!" Harry's best friend, Ron Weasley praised.
"Ooh, Harry," Hermione Granger, Harry's other best friend, moaned, "You're going to get into a lot of trouble for this..."
"Aw, come off it, Hermione," Ron said, approaching the fallen body of Umbridge and giving it a swift kick. "No one'll care."
"Ron's right, but we should probably move her out of the corridor," Harry said, looking around warily.
Hermione sighed, as though this conversation was causing her great pain, and muttered "Mobilicorpus," levitating Umbridge with her wand. Following Harry, the three and Umbridge set off toward Dumbledore's old office. In her haste to catch the trio, and particularly Harry, in an illegal act, Umbridge had left the passageway to the Headmaster's office open.
Hermione set Umbridge's unconscious body in a chair and looked around with abhorrence. Umbridge's decoration of Dumbledore's old office, which she had now claimed as her own, mirrored herself – disgusting.
"So what're we gonna do with her now?" Ron asked Harry, his mouth full with a chocolate frog he had snatched from the desk.
"I don't know, really," admitted Harry sheepishly. "I kind of acted on a spur-of-the-moment – what're those, Hermione?" His attention switched from Ron to Hermione as she approached with a two vials of liquid.
"A potion to reverse the effects of your spell and a Veritaserum. I found them in that cabinet over there." Hermione replied, gesturing toward a small glass potions cabinet on the wall. She knelt down in front of Umbridge's drooping body. "I feel she has something hidden that would motivate her to destroy our school like this."
"Who cares? I say we get McGonagall up here and sack her now!" Ron said passionately, glaring loathingly at Umbridge.
"No!" Hermione responded, snapping her head to meet his gaze. "We need evidence! Do you want to get us expelled?"
"Stop bickering," ordered Harry exasperatedly. "Let's just see if Hermione's theory is correct, all right, Ron?" Ron muttered something incoherent but rather nasty-sounding under his breath.
Hermione tipped one of the vials into Umbridge's mouth, making sure the potion was swallowed. As soon as she was sure Umbridge had been revived, Hermione administered the Veritaserum.
Umbridge moaned loudly ("She sounds like a cow," Ron commented snidely), and shook her ugly head, opening her eyes slowly. She then succumbed to the trance the potion laid on her.
"Hermione, you should probably take the lead in this," Harry whispered. Hermione nodded and focused her attention on Umbridge.
"Is there a reason why you're prejudiced toward human hybrids?" she asked, surprising Ron and Harry.
"Yes," Umbridge replied monotonously.
Hermione's eyebrows shot up and she looked at Ron and Harry meaningfully.
"Er..." Ron began, but Hermione shushed him with a wave of her hand.
"Why?" she asked Umbridge. Umbridge again replied in an unfeeling voice.
"I am half-human myself."
Ron and Harry gaped, but Hermione just looked smug as Umbridge continued.
"My mother was exiled from her family. She made her way across Britain to the Americas, where she hid as a Muggle for many years. One day, as she was exploring a bit of woods, she came across a group of Clabberts. She was quite taken with them and decided that they were better company than the many Muggles she had encountered. As she stayed longer around these Clabberts, she became particularly fond of one, whom she named 'Culverton.' Culverton was a handsome Clabbert—"
"Clabberts can be handsome?" Ron interjected. Hermione shushed him, and they returned their attention to Umbridge, still speaking under the influence of the potion.
"...and returned my mother's affections. One night she became exceedingly drunk and rumor has it things...happened between she and the Clabbert Culverton." Hermione gasped and Ron snickered silently. Harry just gazed at Umbridge as if he had seen her ugly face for the first time.
"So, wha – you're half Clabbert?" he asked, bewildered.
"I am."
Harry compared the picture of a Clabbert in his mind to the figure of Umbridge, who was sitting right in front of him. The resemblance was remarkable. All Umbridge was missing were the horns, webbed digits, and pustule.
Umbridge's wide mouth started to tense.
"Oh! She's starting to come out of it. We'd better go," Hermione said to Harry and Ron, standing up.
"Hahahahaha – hahahahaha – half Clabbert...hahahahahahahaha!" Ron was laughing like mad, and Harry had to nearly drag him out of the room. They ran down the stairs and through the corridors, ducking into an empty classroom, where Ron immediately collapsed, still laughing, although breathless. Even Hermione was starting to giggle, albeit a bit nervously. As you can imagine, it was rather hard after that to keep a straight face when meeting Umbridge.