Chapter Seven: Perception, part two
I knew her longer than you, but I have very few memories of her. She was a ghost to me even before she died. I suppose there were happy times, though they seem to me like dreams. Dreams that vanish in the light of morning.
I was six when they diagnosed her with mental illness, but she must have been suffering for years. Of course, there were signs... there always are signs when you look back. At the time we never thought much of them. She had an active imagination and a strong sense of humour. It was easy to dismiss the hallucinations as flights of fancy.
I was with her when she had her first major episode. After that, I realized there was something very wrong with her. It took more to convince father, but he eventually succumbed and had her hospitalized. It was for her own safety and ours. She was convinced that we were all damned...
From that moment on, my youth was shaped by pessimism and distrust. How could my own mother condemn me like that? I was just a child. I told myself that she didn't want us. She didn't love us. How could she say such things if she did?
Over the years, as her illness grew worse, my contact with her diminished. I refused to visit her. I refused to even think of her. The woman lying in that hospital bed was not my mother. I was too young to understand... it was the illness that was making her say those things. I'm ashamed whenever I think of those days... the way father tried so hard to find a doctor who could treat her... and all I could do was sit and stew in my resentment.
She started seeing things on a daily basis. Her hallucinations grew so strong that she could no longer distinguish between reality and the nightmare that existed inside her mind. Her visions were always nihilistic in nature. She would ramble on desperately to anyone who would listen... about things she saw, things that she believed would happen... it sounded like hell and she lived it every day. It was painful to watch. So, I stopped going to see her altogether.
Father became desperate. When someone told us about a facility that specialized in treating illnesses like hers it was an answer to his prayers. Without a second thought, he requested a transfer to the Department of Energy which was just next door to the facility. We packed our bags and moved, just like that. I wasn't given a choice. I had to leave my friends behind. I had to leave everything familiar and comfortable. It was like I had done something wrong and was being punished.
The doctor who ran the facility was very impressive. I could see father being taken in by his promises, but I couldn't quite believe our luck had finally changed. Even when mother started showing signs of improvement, I was waiting for everything to fall apart. I was probably the only one who wasn't surprised when her hallucinations returned. Father, however, was devastated.
I was afraid of what the disappointment would do to him. He dared to hope... he placed all his beliefs in this doctor and his facility, but even a genius like Joachim Mizrahi couldn't save her... I was afraid he was going to give up... not just on mother, but on himself... and on me.
For a while, life was unbearable in our house. It was like two strangers living under the same roof. I couldn't stand it. I used to hang around the school yard for hours instead of going home. Or, I'd go down to the shopping centre and walk around until closing time. Anything to avoid the silence that waited for me at home.
Then one night, I returned to find the house clean and father in the kitchen preparing dinner. I remember standing in the doorway watching him, thinking that he had finally lost it. It never occurred to me that something good had happened. Nothing good ever happened. That night, we ate our first meal together in months and he told me about you.
He said he made a promise to take care of you. He said you would be coming to live with us like you were part of our family. I was too shocked to reply. In fact, I thought it was some twisted joke. Maybe, father had lost it, after all. He wasn't making any sense. Why would he agree to something like this? Like we needed another burden to complicate our lives. I found out the next day that he was very serious.
The first time I met you was awkward to say the least. You were so shy you couldn't even look at me. I don't think we spoke a single word to each other for weeks and then I wondered if you could even talk at all. Father said I needed to be patient. I needed to give you time to adjust. He said you were special. I thought that meant you had some sort of developmental problem. You were always staring off into space. And then I thought you might have been abused... because of the nightmares.
I didn't know what father was thinking by bringing you into our home. Honestly, I didn't understand what was to be gained by having you around. I was also jealous. Father seemed more optimistic suddenly and you would spend every afternoon together visiting mother at the facility. They were my family and they treated you better than their own child. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair when she started to improve. In just a few short months, you did her more good than I ever could in years. It was hard to face myself... knowing that I gave up hope. What right did I have to celebrate with everyone else now that things were finally looking up?
I decided that it didn't matter. I had already made up my mind to go away. I was going to leave everything behind and start over. I wanted my own life. Sometimes, I wonder if that was the real reason why I left. Was I heading for a new beginning or was I running away from something? I realize how selfish it was of me to leave. And if there was distance between myself and my parents, I helped to create it. In any case, I had abandoned my family. I simply gave up and turned my back on everyone.
I went east to attend school. It didn't even matter what I was studying. For two years, I was free. But it was an empty kind of freedom. I had my own life, but I couldn't enjoy it. What did it matter where I went when I carried my prison with me. Guilt and shame, they were like shackles. One foot chained to the other. No matter how far I went, or how hard I tried, I couldn't run away. Not really. Not ever.
My biggest regret was that I left you behind. I left you alone... to deal with the madness. A man's loyalty to his wife. A woman living with demons. The obsessed and the possessed. You didn't know any different... they were just mommy and daddy. How could you have thought any less of them? How could you have known that you were just another failed attempt to help her... to help mother get better. And why didn't I say something? Why did I just let him use you like that? I turned a blind eye to what was happening even though it made me sick... the lies... the deception... it was so perfect that everyone started to believe it, but I said nothing. I did nothing. I just went away.
Two years later, the Conflict broke out. Getting a message to Miltia City was impossible. I prayed that everyone was safe, but in my heart I knew the chances were slim. The area that suffered the heaviest damage was the block where father worked, where the facility stood. I couldn't reach anyone at home. After days of trying, I decided I had to return to the city.
Much of Miltia was blocked off, but I managed to get into the facility as a volunteer to help evacuate the wounded. It was mind numbing what the area had turned into. Entire sections of the city were completely leveled, buildings with windows blown out, walls and vehicles riddled with bullet holes. As we drove through the streets, I could hear guns and explosions in the distance, but I could see nothing through the clouds of smoke. I think at that point, I knew. I knew my family was dead. Only a miracle could have saved them.
The hospital was one of the first areas to be hit, but it was also one of the first areas to be secured. Inside, wounded soldiers and civilians were all crammed together with the patients in the facility. I couldn't tell them apart. Everyone was frantic, desperate, clinging onto anyone who could give them a sense of stability in the chaos. It struck me then, how similar their pleas were to the pleas of my mother. I felt hollow listening to the people around me. Gnosis. Gnosis, here... the demons... was this the hell from her tormented mind? It was an eerie coincidence.
I must have asked every nurse I saw if they knew what happened to my family, but naturally, no one had time to listen to me. So, I searched every room... until I found you. I was relieved and crushed. The nurse taking care of you told me how they found you curled up on the floor... you, alone, survived. If I didn't believe in miracles before...
But seeing you lying in that bed... in a state of catatonic shock... my guilt wouldn't let me rest easy. Part of me felt as if I had done that to you. I imagined the horrible things you had seen and the fear you must have felt. It should have been me. If I had been the son I was supposed to be... if I had gone to visit her faithfully every day, he never would have brought you home... you never would have had to witness the terrible things that you did.
I sat by your bed for days. The Conflict raged on outside our window. Plaster from the ceiling would rain down on us occasionally and the walls would vibrate from far off explosions, but I wouldn't abandon you again. I prayed for your recovery. I prayed for forgiveness. I sat with my thoughts, waiting for you to wake up. Thoughts about father and mother. About you. What did that make us, now that the tie connecting us was severed? Family. I had been struggling with the meaning of it for so long, but oddly enough, it was the answer, plain and simple. We might not have been related by blood, but we were now the only family each other had. I promised I would never take that away from you.
*****
Jin stared at his tea cup, lost in thought. Shion was absorbed in her own feelings about the things she had heard. Allen watched the two siblings nervously from the side. He had no idea Shion's childhood had been this rough. She always seemed so put-together and in control. Her stubborn independence was starting to make sense to him.
Jin stirred from his reverie. Eyes that were clouded with emotion a moment ago snapped into focus.
Gradually, you woke up, he said. You didn't remember anything. Nothing about the Gnosis attack. Nothing about what happened to our parents. They told me not to expect too much, that you might never have those memories back. They said it might be a good thing that you didn't remember... they weren't sure you could survive another shock like that. When you were well enough, we left Miltia. We took the next transport vessel along with a flood of evacuees and came here.
Shion's brows were drawn together in a frown.
Do you blame me? he asked. For keeping these things from you?
I don't know, she said softly.
I'm sorry. I never wanted to ruin your idea of him. He cared for you, Shion, in the end... like a real daughter. I'm sure he did.
Shion sighed and pushed herself to her feet.
Maybe he did, she said, unconvinced.
Where are you going? he asked when she headed for the hall.
To be alone.
She nodded from the doorway.
I just need to be alone...
She smiled before stepping into the hall. The smile left Jin cold.
She'll be all right, Allen said, his eyes still on the spot where Shion had been standing.
How can you be so sure? wondered Jin.
She doesn't give up easily.
Jin looked sideways at Allen, startled by the conviction in the other man's voice.
No, she doesn't, he agreed, nodding slowly.
We'll just have to wait... give her time...
Jin stared out the window. The afternoon light was fading. It was so peaceful, he thought, closing his eyes and listening to the silence. Allen's words echoed in his ears. She doesn't give up easily. He smiled reluctantly, hoping that Allen was right and time was all she needed. Yet, there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. There was something more that she wasn't telling them.
She doesn't trust me anymore, said Jin, turning dark eyes on Allen. And I don't blame her. What I did... keeping those things from her... I did it to protect her.
I'm sure she knows that.
You didn't see what she was like when she first came to live with us... how scared she was. I don't know what her life was like before my father brought her home, but it couldn't have been nice. It was months until she was comfortable enough to say more than two words at a time. It was hard for her to open up and now... I see it happening again. She's that same little girl my father brought home. That smile. She's trying to be brave, but I know she's terrified. I think she remembers even more than she's letting on. I think she remembers where she came from. It can't be a happy memory.
You have no ideas...?
Jin shook his head, his expression grim.
None. My father never told me anything.
Allen said, his forehead wrinkling.
agreed Jin.
Their eyes lifted to the ceiling as the sound of footsteps reached their ears. Both men wanted to know what she was doing, but neither moved or spoke. The last thing she wanted was to have them watch her every move. After a while, Jin pushed away from the table and stood, excusing himself to go prepare dinner.
The rest of the evening crawled by.
Shion didn't join them for dinner. Jin brought a tray of food up to her room, but she didn't touch anything on the plate. When he came to retrieve the tray, he found Shion looking through photographs. She hardly acknowledged his presence when he entered the room, but as he left she stopped him with a question.
Who was the boy?
His eyes went to the screen where images of their childhood flashed by at lightening speed. One image after another. She was looking for something. Or someone.
There was a boy, she said.
I don't know... he answered, honestly confused.
I remember a boy. You never mentioned him.
She turned, pinning him to the spot with a pointed look.
He was the one... who found me a home.
Jin stared at her, distraught. What did she mean by that? he wondered.
He rescued me...
He rescued me.... from the lab. Did you know that, Jin? Did you know that I grew up in a lab?
Jin took a deep breath, feeling his heart twist. His eyes fell shut as the meaning of her words penetrated. So, that was where she came from. He hadn't known. He hadn't the slightest clue. It was worse than he imagined. He opened his eyes and looked at the images flashing across the screen.
You're looking for him.
She nodded.
There's nothing from before... from Miltia...
I know. I have a feeling, though... he's been watching over me... I was hoping to catch a glimpse of him somewhere in the background.
You think he survived the Conflict?
She nodded.
He has the rest of the answers. I know he does. I need to find him.
Jin was uneasy about the idea, but seeing the determined look on Shion's face made him relent.
All right. We'll find him, then... together.
Shion stared at him for a long time before turning back around.
Thank you, Jin.
He nodded and left the room, feeling a sense of dread growing in the pit of his stomach. Miltia. Always Miltia. Everything started there. Everything returned there. Would they ever be free of that place?
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A/N:
Next chapter: back at Kukai.