Chapter 5: Liebe
The following morning Hermione was awakened at eight-thirty by a groaning on the left side of the bed. She rolled over blearily to see that Severus was trying to get up, although he was finding this difficult because of his bandaged wounds. "If you need help-" "I don't, thank you," he grumbled, sitting up painfully. "Suit yourself," she yawned, lying back down.
Her eyes were closed for about a minute before she heard him fumbling across the room, and the distinctive thud of him falling to the floor. She leapt lightly to her feet and crossed the room, staring down at him, "Problem?" He glared at her from his spot on the floor, "Maybe."
She bent over and helped him to his feet as painlessly as possible, then said, "You'll need to change those bandages you know. And murtlap. You'll need that as well." "Yes, thank you for pointing that out Miss Granger," he snapped. "Fine then," she said tartly, "you do it yourself. Have fun. I'm going back to bed." "I will," he retorted, stumbling into the bathroom, now slightly off kilter because of her lack of support.
She heard him rummaging through the bathroom for a minute, and through the crack in the door saw him trying to put the bandages on himself. Naturally, he couldn't do it. The best he could manage was to get them halfway around before the pain stopped him. "Bloody hell," she said aloud, opening the door, "just shut up and let me do it." He opened his mouth for a sarcastic reply but she put a finger firmly over his lips, "Now Professor, if you say something, chances are you'll be regretting it in five minutes once you've realized that you cannot put bandages on without my help. So do me a favor and shelve your bloody pride and let me get this out of the way so that you won't die of a blasted infection!"
His mouth clicked shut with a snap of his teeth, but he was still glaring at her as she wrapped new bandages around his waist. "Can't you stop glaring for one minute?" she said, glaring back at him once she was finished. "No," he growled. "Well I'm sorry, Severus, for trying to help you. I'll keep it in mind that I shan't do it ever again." She turned on her heel and left the bathroom in a huff, then sat down on her bed with her arms crossed, facing away from him.
Severus sat there on the toilet seat lid for another minute, thinking, and finally he spoke, "Hermione...I'm not used to it." Her head moved only slightly, indicating that she was listening. "And there's not much I can do about it," he added softly, "that's just how it's always been. I just don't like you touching me." She stiffened, "Yes, God knows, what a horrible thing, for the Mudblood to touch the Pureblood..." "It's not like that!" he snapped, and she almost jumped, but kept still. "I'm not the Pureblood bastard that Malfoy is," he muttered, "I learned the difference years ago."
"So you just don't want me touching you because you don't like me," she corrected nastily. "That's not it either Hermione!" he said angrily, "It's...I won't explain it." "Well I think you better," she said, standing up and striding to the doorway; she leaned against the frame, "if we're going to be married for the next two years then you might want to tell me flat-out what it is that I do that bothers you so I can stop. Then maybe I'll join the fun and tell you exactly what I think about you."
Severus was silent for a minute, looking down at the floor of the bathroom, thinking deeply, until finally he spoke, "I'm not comfortable around you. At all. You make me very uncomfortable." She sniffed in a hurt manner, "Well you're no better. I try to be nice to you and half the time you treat me like a pestering little child. You give more respect to Adrian, whom you barely know, whereas I've been working for your respect for years and you treat me like shit." He almost winced at that one; it stung a little bit.
"Come now sir, certainly you have a nice little sarcastic reply to that?" she said sardonically. He stood, and for a minute she thought that he might slap her or hit her or curse her or...something. But instead he walked through the door and did not look at her. She thought he was leaving until suddenly he spun around and leaned close to her; she was pressed against the frame, backing away from him in fear, until he said dangerously, "The truth is, Hermione, is that I'm the one that should be afraid."
He went into the bedroom and grabbed a spare black shirt, then left, breathing still a little shallow from his wounds. Hermione stood there for a minute, thinking about this, then ran out into the hallway, "Hey wait a minute! Come back here! Don't just walk away from me!" she shouted, striding after him. He turned, "I'd rather not discuss this anymore Miss Granger, and I doubt it's healthy for you to badger me further." "I don't care," she said firmly, "I want to know what the hell you meant by that!"
He glanced back at her as he continued to the library, "Nothing. Go away." She ran ahead of him and blocked his entrance to the library, "I'm not letting you in until you explain your words." He tried to shove her aside but she only shoved back, and it hurt for him to put too much pressure on his side. He stopped, and wearily, said, "Hermione, I really have no time for this sort of childish behavior." "That's good, as I have no time for yours," she replied tartly.
His eyes narrowed on her, "You want to know what I meant? You really want to know? Be forewarned; once I start, that's it, there's no stopping, and you will not interrupt me." "Fine, go ahead," she said, crossing her arms and refusing to budge. He glared down at her, then finally spoke.
"Have it your way then. You want to know what I meant by being afraid. Well here's the truth, since you want it so badly. I'm mortified that I might be falling in love with a woman who's going to divorce me in two years, and whom I shouldn't love anyway considering you're twenty-one years my junior. And I really don't have the will to put someone else through that sort of misery; being my wife is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman, and I'd just as soon not ruin your life as I have my own. So I'd just as soon you leave me alone and keep a distance for the next two years so I can be left in peace. Hopefully I'll be able to suppress any feelings I have after a while. Don't open your mouth, Hermione, I told you I would not be interrupted. Now I want you to leave me alone for the rest of the day. I will be here in the library. Don't come in, don't knock, don't ask anything, just leave me alone. I won't go to bed till late tonight, and when I do, I expect that you will already be asleep or else. Now please go away."
She tried to open her mouth again but a nasty glare shut it, and she allowed herself to be pushed aside, and a minute later the door gently clicked shut. Hermione felt her insides squirming; she really hadn't been expecting that, not at all. They had been married for a month or so now, and she had just been gradually getting closer to him ever since. He had never really given a hint or anything, although she had noticed that his attitude had lightened up considerably over the past few weeks. He was much more docile than before, when they were just teacher and student.
Had they always been teacher and student? Yes of course. Nothing funny had ever happened. He'd never given any sign of anything prior to the marriage. But occasionally he would look at her with a different expression in his eyes that she found unreadable; she never could figure that out until now. But with it there, before her eyes, she saw it clearly. She had been a fool to pretend otherwise.
Hermione walked down the hall slowly to Adrian's room, but did not knock. Instead she sat down, leaning against the wall, and thought hard for several minutes. She wasn't sure what to do about this; she had never been in such a strange situation before. Did she like him? Well yes, that was an easy question. He was smart, he was witty, and he was courageous; but likewise he could be an overbearing ass whenever he felt like it. 'Be honest with yourself Hermione, do you like him as more than a friend?'
She thought on this for another minute, and silently began to list the things she liked about him.
Funny. Intelligent. Quick-witted. Confident. Courageous. Good-looking.
'Good-looking?!' she thought silently, 'When did that slip in there? Yes, the greasy hair and the hooked nose certainly are big attractions,' she thought sarcastically. 'Don't lie to yourself Hermione, you know perfectly well that he's not the hideous bat everyone makes him out to be. Besides, you've heard him in the shower; you know he washes his hair, it couldn't possible be greasy...and he can't really help his nose. Besides, it's not that big.' 'But the yellow teeth...?' said another part of her brain. 'Now that really is his fault,' the other half replied, and she almost laughed out loud.
After several more minutes of internal debate, Hermione realized that perhaps she wasn't in love with him like he was with her, but she still liked him. A lot. Perhaps a crush. But not in love. No, that was too soon. She'd have to tell him that.
Adrian awoke an hour later to find that Hermione was seated outside his room, thinking deeply, and he yawned, "Where's Severus?" "Oh," she said slowly, "he's busy today in the library. We can't go in there. We'll study in here today, all right?" "All right," he said, yawning even deeper.
The day was mainly comprised of studying, as Hermione was desperate for Adrian to pass the Placement Exam, and by the end of the day they were beginning Standard Book of Spells Grade 2. Hopefully he'd pass. With any luck, at least; Adrian's thirst for knowledge was certainly propelling him.
That night Hermione put Adrian to bed, then went to her own bedroom and got into her pajamas; she put out the lights and lay down. She would wait for Severus to return, and would not allow him to silence her this time. She waited patiently, until one o'clock, when finally she heard the door creak open; she kept still, pretending to sleep, her breathing even, and he fell for it.
He entered silently and sat down on his edge of the bed slowly, then pulled off his shoes and slipped beneath the covers. He rolled over and faced away from her, expecting nothing but her even breathing, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He froze when he felt a hot kiss upon his cheek, "Severus...I'm not in love with you, but I still like you as more than a friend. That's not so bad, is it?"
He rolled over to look at her, and she smiled at him reassuringly, "I really don't know if this is what I want, Hermione," he said softly, eyes clouded with thought, "I'd rather you not get involved with me." "Well too bad," she whispered, "because now you've got me whether you want me or not; we're married. We're going to be married for at least two years. You'll just have to deal with me."
He turned away from her, "I'm tired. Leave me alone." Hermione stiffened, "You know, you can't keep ignoring me every time there's a problem you don't feel like dealing with. You did this before too, when I asked about the Mirror; I let that go, but you can't run away from this one. I'm here, and I'm not going away." "I never said I was ignoring you, Hermione," he muttered, still facing away from her, "I'm just tired. Now please let me sleep."
Hermione lay back down, frustrated, and rolled over, facing away from him. She didn't know what else to do. Letting out a sigh, she closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind, which she found impossible, and did not fall asleep until hours later.
The following morning Hermione was awakened at eight-thirty by a groaning on the left side of the bed. She rolled over blearily to see that Severus was trying to get up, although he was finding this difficult because of his bandaged wounds. "If you need help-" "I don't, thank you," he grumbled, sitting up painfully. "Suit yourself," she yawned, lying back down.
Her eyes were closed for about a minute before she heard him fumbling across the room, and the distinctive thud of him falling to the floor. She leapt lightly to her feet and crossed the room, staring down at him, "Problem?" He glared at her from his spot on the floor, "Maybe."
She bent over and helped him to his feet as painlessly as possible, then said, "You'll need to change those bandages you know. And murtlap. You'll need that as well." "Yes, thank you for pointing that out Miss Granger," he snapped. "Fine then," she said tartly, "you do it yourself. Have fun. I'm going back to bed." "I will," he retorted, stumbling into the bathroom, now slightly off kilter because of her lack of support.
She heard him rummaging through the bathroom for a minute, and through the crack in the door saw him trying to put the bandages on himself. Naturally, he couldn't do it. The best he could manage was to get them halfway around before the pain stopped him. "Bloody hell," she said aloud, opening the door, "just shut up and let me do it." He opened his mouth for a sarcastic reply but she put a finger firmly over his lips, "Now Professor, if you say something, chances are you'll be regretting it in five minutes once you've realized that you cannot put bandages on without my help. So do me a favor and shelve your bloody pride and let me get this out of the way so that you won't die of a blasted infection!"
His mouth clicked shut with a snap of his teeth, but he was still glaring at her as she wrapped new bandages around his waist. "Can't you stop glaring for one minute?" she said, glaring back at him once she was finished. "No," he growled. "Well I'm sorry, Severus, for trying to help you. I'll keep it in mind that I shan't do it ever again." She turned on her heel and left the bathroom in a huff, then sat down on her bed with her arms crossed, facing away from him.
Severus sat there on the toilet seat lid for another minute, thinking, and finally he spoke, "Hermione...I'm not used to it." Her head moved only slightly, indicating that she was listening. "And there's not much I can do about it," he added softly, "that's just how it's always been. I just don't like you touching me." She stiffened, "Yes, God knows, what a horrible thing, for the Mudblood to touch the Pureblood..." "It's not like that!" he snapped, and she almost jumped, but kept still. "I'm not the Pureblood bastard that Malfoy is," he muttered, "I learned the difference years ago."
"So you just don't want me touching you because you don't like me," she corrected nastily. "That's not it either Hermione!" he said angrily, "It's...I won't explain it." "Well I think you better," she said, standing up and striding to the doorway; she leaned against the frame, "if we're going to be married for the next two years then you might want to tell me flat-out what it is that I do that bothers you so I can stop. Then maybe I'll join the fun and tell you exactly what I think about you."
Severus was silent for a minute, looking down at the floor of the bathroom, thinking deeply, until finally he spoke, "I'm not comfortable around you. At all. You make me very uncomfortable." She sniffed in a hurt manner, "Well you're no better. I try to be nice to you and half the time you treat me like a pestering little child. You give more respect to Adrian, whom you barely know, whereas I've been working for your respect for years and you treat me like shit." He almost winced at that one; it stung a little bit.
"Come now sir, certainly you have a nice little sarcastic reply to that?" she said sardonically. He stood, and for a minute she thought that he might slap her or hit her or curse her or...something. But instead he walked through the door and did not look at her. She thought he was leaving until suddenly he spun around and leaned close to her; she was pressed against the frame, backing away from him in fear, until he said dangerously, "The truth is, Hermione, is that I'm the one that should be afraid."
He went into the bedroom and grabbed a spare black shirt, then left, breathing still a little shallow from his wounds. Hermione stood there for a minute, thinking about this, then ran out into the hallway, "Hey wait a minute! Come back here! Don't just walk away from me!" she shouted, striding after him. He turned, "I'd rather not discuss this anymore Miss Granger, and I doubt it's healthy for you to badger me further." "I don't care," she said firmly, "I want to know what the hell you meant by that!"
He glanced back at her as he continued to the library, "Nothing. Go away." She ran ahead of him and blocked his entrance to the library, "I'm not letting you in until you explain your words." He tried to shove her aside but she only shoved back, and it hurt for him to put too much pressure on his side. He stopped, and wearily, said, "Hermione, I really have no time for this sort of childish behavior." "That's good, as I have no time for yours," she replied tartly.
His eyes narrowed on her, "You want to know what I meant? You really want to know? Be forewarned; once I start, that's it, there's no stopping, and you will not interrupt me." "Fine, go ahead," she said, crossing her arms and refusing to budge. He glared down at her, then finally spoke.
"Have it your way then. You want to know what I meant by being afraid. Well here's the truth, since you want it so badly. I'm mortified that I might be falling in love with a woman who's going to divorce me in two years, and whom I shouldn't love anyway considering you're twenty-one years my junior. And I really don't have the will to put someone else through that sort of misery; being my wife is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman, and I'd just as soon not ruin your life as I have my own. So I'd just as soon you leave me alone and keep a distance for the next two years so I can be left in peace. Hopefully I'll be able to suppress any feelings I have after a while. Don't open your mouth, Hermione, I told you I would not be interrupted. Now I want you to leave me alone for the rest of the day. I will be here in the library. Don't come in, don't knock, don't ask anything, just leave me alone. I won't go to bed till late tonight, and when I do, I expect that you will already be asleep or else. Now please go away."
She tried to open her mouth again but a nasty glare shut it, and she allowed herself to be pushed aside, and a minute later the door gently clicked shut. Hermione felt her insides squirming; she really hadn't been expecting that, not at all. They had been married for a month or so now, and she had just been gradually getting closer to him ever since. He had never really given a hint or anything, although she had noticed that his attitude had lightened up considerably over the past few weeks. He was much more docile than before, when they were just teacher and student.
Had they always been teacher and student? Yes of course. Nothing funny had ever happened. He'd never given any sign of anything prior to the marriage. But occasionally he would look at her with a different expression in his eyes that she found unreadable; she never could figure that out until now. But with it there, before her eyes, she saw it clearly. She had been a fool to pretend otherwise.
Hermione walked down the hall slowly to Adrian's room, but did not knock. Instead she sat down, leaning against the wall, and thought hard for several minutes. She wasn't sure what to do about this; she had never been in such a strange situation before. Did she like him? Well yes, that was an easy question. He was smart, he was witty, and he was courageous; but likewise he could be an overbearing ass whenever he felt like it. 'Be honest with yourself Hermione, do you like him as more than a friend?'
She thought on this for another minute, and silently began to list the things she liked about him.
Funny. Intelligent. Quick-witted. Confident. Courageous. Good-looking.
'Good-looking?!' she thought silently, 'When did that slip in there? Yes, the greasy hair and the hooked nose certainly are big attractions,' she thought sarcastically. 'Don't lie to yourself Hermione, you know perfectly well that he's not the hideous bat everyone makes him out to be. Besides, you've heard him in the shower; you know he washes his hair, it couldn't possible be greasy...and he can't really help his nose. Besides, it's not that big.' 'But the yellow teeth...?' said another part of her brain. 'Now that really is his fault,' the other half replied, and she almost laughed out loud.
After several more minutes of internal debate, Hermione realized that perhaps she wasn't in love with him like he was with her, but she still liked him. A lot. Perhaps a crush. But not in love. No, that was too soon. She'd have to tell him that.
Adrian awoke an hour later to find that Hermione was seated outside his room, thinking deeply, and he yawned, "Where's Severus?" "Oh," she said slowly, "he's busy today in the library. We can't go in there. We'll study in here today, all right?" "All right," he said, yawning even deeper.
The day was mainly comprised of studying, as Hermione was desperate for Adrian to pass the Placement Exam, and by the end of the day they were beginning Standard Book of Spells Grade 2. Hopefully he'd pass. With any luck, at least; Adrian's thirst for knowledge was certainly propelling him.
That night Hermione put Adrian to bed, then went to her own bedroom and got into her pajamas; she put out the lights and lay down. She would wait for Severus to return, and would not allow him to silence her this time. She waited patiently, until one o'clock, when finally she heard the door creak open; she kept still, pretending to sleep, her breathing even, and he fell for it.
He entered silently and sat down on his edge of the bed slowly, then pulled off his shoes and slipped beneath the covers. He rolled over and faced away from her, expecting nothing but her even breathing, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He froze when he felt a hot kiss upon his cheek, "Severus...I'm not in love with you, but I still like you as more than a friend. That's not so bad, is it?"
He rolled over to look at her, and she smiled at him reassuringly, "I really don't know if this is what I want, Hermione," he said softly, eyes clouded with thought, "I'd rather you not get involved with me." "Well too bad," she whispered, "because now you've got me whether you want me or not; we're married. We're going to be married for at least two years. You'll just have to deal with me."
He turned away from her, "I'm tired. Leave me alone." Hermione stiffened, "You know, you can't keep ignoring me every time there's a problem you don't feel like dealing with. You did this before too, when I asked about the Mirror; I let that go, but you can't run away from this one. I'm here, and I'm not going away." "I never said I was ignoring you, Hermione," he muttered, still facing away from her, "I'm just tired. Now please let me sleep."
Hermione lay back down, frustrated, and rolled over, facing away from him. She didn't know what else to do. Letting out a sigh, she closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind, which she found impossible, and did not fall asleep until hours later.