Lord of The Rings

Tales from Inside the Fellowship

Gandalf- "Now, let's see... Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight. The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter."

Merry- "What d'you suppose that means?"

Gandalf- "Oh, umm. It's quite simple. If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open. Annon Edhellen edro hi ammen!"

Frodo- "Gandalf, nothing's happening."

Gandalf- "Frodo I know that!"

Aragorn- "Tell us how to get through your front door now, master dwarf."

Gandalf- "Oh, it's useless."

Frodo- " Actually it's more like a riddle. Speak friend, and enter. What's the elvish word for friend, Gandalf?"

Gandalf- "Oh, shoot. Pineapple!…. Orange! ……Plum! ……Mellon!"

Gandalf guesses and gets the password and everyone enters the mines. It is very dark, so Gandalf lights his staff.

Gimli- "Soon, master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone! This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A MINE!"

Legolas- " I call it a piece of crap. It even looks like crap, see? There are corpses and nasty gray matter all over the walls."

Boromir- "This is no mine. It's a tomb."

Legolas- "That's what I just said."

Gimli- "No! Nooo! NOOOO!"

Legolas- "Yes! Yess! YESSS!"

Boromir-"We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here! Now get out of here! Get out!!"

Aragorn- "Sorry, but the Gap of Rohan is a piece of crap as well. So we should stay because we're going to have to anyway."

Frodo- "Why?"

Aragorn- "Because that big sea monster outside is going to grab you any second now."

Frodo- "What!?"

Aragorn- "Oh don't worry though. We're all going to save you, but the monster will ironically smash the entrance to the mines, leaving us trapped inside."

Frodo and the rest of the fellowship stare at Aragorn. The events he described play out perfectly, and the company is trapped inside. They must face the long dark of Moria. Also, Frodo is wet and looks very hot.

Frodo and Gandalf sit and discuss Gollum for a while, and Gandalf suddenly remembers which way to lead the company. Everyone is crabby and hungry. They walk through Dwarrowdelf

Sam- "Well there's an eye opener, and no mistake."

Pippin- "These pillars are really, really tall."

Gimli- "NOOOOOOOoooooo!"

Boromir- "Oh jeez I think that's his cousin's tomb."

Legolas- "Nice observation, Gondor boy."

Gimli- "Balin!! Why?!"

Legolas- "Well, once the goblins found out that Gimli son of Gloin did not live here, they just chose the next ugliest dwarf to pick off."

Gandalf- "Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then. It is as I feared."

Merry- "Then why didn't you say something before?"

Pippin- "If you feared this, it would've of been nice of you to share it with the rest of us."

Legolas- (whispers) "We must move on. We cannot linger."

Aragorn- "You're telling me."

Pippin knocks over a dwarf carcass, and it tumbles down into a well making loads of noise along the way. Gandalf gets a look on his face that makes everyone in the company want to pee their pants.

Gandalf- "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity."

Boromir- "And your breath. Seriously, hobbit, you need a Tic Tac or something."

The sounds of orcs and goblins fill the tomb. Frodo's sword glows blue, everyone raises their weapons, and a small puff of stench rises from Sam's pants.

Frodo- "Gandalf!! Orcs!!!"

Boromir- "They have a cave troll too! Yes! I've always wanted to get the crap beat out of me by one of those!"

Aragorn- "Get back! Stay close to Gandalf."

Frodo- (whispers) "What's he going to do, scare them with his staff?"

Gandalf- "Hhmm?"

Frodo- "Nothing. I said, "protect me, Gandalf." Look out!"

The battle rages and pretty much every orc and goblin is killed. The cave troll separates Frodo from the company and jabs him with a very big spear. Frodo looks highly constipated before falling to the ground. Legolas eventually notices and shoots the troll with a butt load of arrows until one finally gets through the thick skin.

Aragorn- "Frodo!!"

Gandalf- "I'm so concerned."

Frodo- "Oh I'm alright. I'm not hurt."

Aragorn- "You should be dead. That spear would have skewered a wild boar."

Frodo- "It didn't skewer me. Haha."

Sam- "That's no laughn' matter now, Mister Frodo. I thought you were dead."

Merry- "Gandalf needs a Kleenex."

Gandalf- "I do not. It's just that the dust of rotting dwarf carcasses irritates my baggy eyes."

Gimli- "We need to keep moving. I don't want to stay here any longer."

Legolas- "Oh well look who's whining now. 'My name is Gimli. Moria is the best place ever! When we get to Moria there will be lots of food and prancing about. No worries!'"

Gimli- "Gwurff…"

Gandalf- "Oh, right. I guess we could go to the bridge of Khazad-dum."

Aragorn- "Alright, fine."

Boromir- "Whatever."

Legolas- "Let's go."

The company runs and is confronted by thousands of orcs. After hearing a loud booming noise, the enemy flees, and the company is left standing, staring at the archway where the noise was heard.

Boromir- "What is this new devilry?"

Gandalf- "It's a Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. This is beyond any of you so we will now waste time and stand here waiting for our doom."

Frodo- "Gandalf?"

Gandalf- "RUN!"

Everyone runs and Boromir almost falls into the fiery chasm. Gandalf lags behind and tells Aragorn to lead everybody on. Gandalf is then second to jump the gap on the bridge, putting himself before both Aragorn and the ring-bearer.

Gimli- "Nobody tosses a dwarf!"

Gimli jumps and misses. Legolas barely catches him by the beard.

Gimli- "NOT THE BEARD!!!!!"

Legolas- "Would you rather me let you fall? Or would you prefer it if I grab your enormous nose instead?"

Aragorn and Frodo make it across after dramatic scene of suspense and triumphant music. The fellowship run across yet another bridge with the Balrog tailing behind them, but Gandalf stops in the middle.

Gandalf- "You cannot pass!"

Frodo- "Gandalf!"

Gandalf- "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, a wielder of the flame of Arnor, and member of the Powerpuff Girl Fan Club! Go back to the shadow!!"

Boromir- "Is he going to try and take that thing on? That Balrog has to be ten times his size."

Aragorn- "And mental capacity."

Gandalf- "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Gandalf sticks his staff in the ground. As the Balrog advances towards him, the bridge crumbles and it tumbles into the chasm. Gandalf sighs just before the Balrog's fire whip grabs his ankle. The leader of the company dangles on the edge of the broken bridge and tells everyone to fly and that they are fools before falling and joining the Balrog in total darkness.

Legolas- "This is Gimli's fault, you know."